A Lazy Spouse. How Do You Handle It?

[Ira]

My husband is lazy around the home. Plain & simple lazy! When we were dating and I asked him what he thought his biggest fault was he said "being lazy off the clock". So I was warned what I was getting into.

 

The degree of his laziness grows as the years go by. After 15+ years of it I am ready to scream! Well truthfully I have screamed, many times. And begged and pleaded and made honey do lists and made chore charts for the both of us and the things I have tried go on and on.

 

I am ready to wave the white truce flag.

 

I can not be the only person with a lazy home partner. So my question is, how do you handle it?

Not how to change him. But how to stop being pissed off about it all the time?

I get quite upset that he sits and watches TV and can see me busting my ass doing the work that needs done.

 

If I ask for his help he will do it BUT there is always a huge ( and I do mean HUGE ) fight about it. No longer worth the fighting in my opinion.

 

So how do you all handle your own emotions, attitudes, expectations and such towards a lazy home partner?

 

He is a good hard worker on the job, but feels when he comes home he should do nothing around here.

 

Thankfully we don't have any children. I also work full time.

 

Please don't give advice, tips etc on how to change HIM. It's not going to happen!!!

 

I am asking for help to change ME and MY attitude so the fighting stops.

 

I have two girl friends who have spouses just lie mine and have asked them how they handle their emotions and they both said it does not bother them that much.

 

They are a "better" person then I am lol

[whichwayisup]

Stop doing so much around the house (cleaning) and hire a cleaning lady.

 

When something breaks down (appliance, or something else that needs to be fixed) call someone in to fix it, or ask a neighbour to help, or a family member.

 

Maybe your H needs to see others doing what HE SHOULD be doing and it'll bug him .. Seeing another guy, whether it be your father in law, your own father or brother, a male neighbour, or a male friend fixing stuff in HIS house, will get him off his lazy ass..

[Ira]

I have done all of those ideas. He really does not care. It does not bother him BUT I have to work extra hours then to pay for the people who did the work. he really has NO shame about our son in law or other family member or friend doing HIS work while he sleeps or does what ever.

So now I just do it all myself. Well I do the parts I can do, the rest I still have to hire help for.

 

Let me tell you about one of my friends who has a lazy husband.

 

She works for the post office, she walks many miles a day. Plus she is a supervisor so once she gets back from her walking route she has to do the paper work end. Putting in at least a 60 hr work week. When she goes home, she cooks dinner for the kids and rest of family, then mows the grass takes out the trash, does laundry, cleaning and so on. In winter she has to get up at 4 AM to shovel their drive way so she can get to work.

Her husband works a normal 9 to 5 type job and sleeps or goes hunting or fishing or watches TV while she does all this.

I asked her HOW she does all this and not stay mad at him 24/7. She tells me being mad wont change him, she tried it for several years, so she just accepted it.

THAT is the place I am trying to get to. Just accepting it. Being mad all the time at him is not healthy for ME.

My question is HOW do I get to that place?

I live in a constant pissed off frame of mind and I know that is not healthy in any way!

 

I know he is wrong to be like this but it is what it is, so all I can change is myself. HOW????

Edited June 12, 2011 by Ira

[pie2]

Wow! I feel your pain!!!

 

Maybe, in order to change your perspective about your husband, a daily reminder of his positive traits might be helpful. Each day, maybe you could make a little log of something you really appreciate about him. For example, he's faithful, he's funny, he saves money, etc. Focusing on those traits might help you remember that life could be a lot worse if he didn't have those characteristics.

[carhill]

Hire the help you need and hand him the bill.

[mickleb]

The only thing I can say is remember that you allowed him to be like this. We all make our choices in life and you chose him. He's behaving like a pig but you still only want to know how you can tolerate him better. Your choice.

 

x

[Ouroboros]

Be even lazier.

[Eve]

Can't believe this has gone unresolved for so long!

 

The limitations of no advice to change him and blah blah within your post does not leave room for any other suggestions. Hence, I think you are just stuck doing all the cleaning and have to get on with it.. happily.

 

My Hubby was lazy but basically knows there are consequences to that with me. So he doesn't bother trying that **** anymore. He actually enjoys it now. Got that resolved within the first year of marriage.

 

Never raised my voice to him even once within that process.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Ira]

I guess I am just in a different place of mind set. Realizing I can't MAKE him change, but not wanting to be upset all the time. I know I can only change myself.

 

Pie - TY. that is a good idea.

 

I said I knew it when I married him BUT it is much worse now after 15 yrs then it was when we were married.

 

He won't pay the bill for help I hire. Again I can't MAKE him do anything he does not want to do.

 

I don't understand how people MAKE other adults do things.

Make his life miserable? OK if I do that I am the one who pays for it.

 

So in my mind it is best to try to change my own attitude.

 

Oh well, I guess I just see things differently then others do. TY you all any ways. I do appreciate the responses.

[carhill]

At this point I'll insert the life lesson I learned from marriage, that the person who cares the least has the most control and power. In an adversarial or toxic dynamic, it uniformly sucks to be the person who cares the most. If there were synergistic cooperation, this thread wouldn't exist.

 

Example: H is too 'lazy' to maintain the yard (typical 'man' job). Hire a gardener, submit bill to H and advise him you will be paying it out of the joint checking account. He may be annoyed. That's the time when you care less. The job needed to be done and he isn't doing it so you got it taken care of. EOS. If he's not annoyed, rather indifferent, OK, then it becomes a monthly bill. If the pattern becomes pronounced, it indicates an elemental incompatibility surrounding marital responsibility and, if irreconcilable, that. As our MC once opined, at some point one has to make a decision.

 

Myself, I don't 'get' adults to do anything. I ask, rarely, and it's completely voluntary, as is their existence in my life. Just ask my exW. She'll tell you all about it. You can't change him. You can change you.

[Ira]

car - I fully agree I can't change him, as I have stated several times.

 

Our $ situation is not set up for me to use his $ to pay for such services, so it is my $ that does and as I said before then I have to work longer hours to pay for such services myself. So one way or the other I still have the extra work to do myself

 

I have "accepted" it, now working on a change of attitude of myself about it, so I am not always PO.

[carhill]

Use your $ and short pay him. Unless he makes no contributions to your household income, there are always ways of doing this.

 

'I'm sorry hon, I can't get/do this xxxx because I had to spend the money to pay xxx for doing xxx that you weren't getting around to'. Do this proactively rather than passive-aggressively. Tell him exactly what the consequences are for this increased burden upon yourself. Then execute. He may be annoyed. Get used to that. His feelings are outside of your control.

 

If he makes no financial contributions, is not disabled and is lazy, erase him. No spouse should have to live with that kind of unilateral Hoover attitude.

 

Anger is a potent motivator to *action*. Directed in a healthy way, it can improve your life. Up to you where you choose for it to take you.

[Ira]

I guess I am left to "solve" this one on my own. He does work as I said but still the $ is not set up so I can in any way make paid chores and such effect him.

 

I guess my situation and myself is just the odd ball out from the norm, so the norm solutions won't work here.

 

Thanks to all who posted, it is appreciated.

[Stung]

I guess I am left to "solve" this one on my own. He does work as I said but still the $ is not set up so I can in any way make paid chores and such effect him.

 

I guess my situation and myself is just the odd ball out from the norm, so the norm solutions won't work here.

 

Thanks to all who posted, it is appreciated.

 

I question why you allow the financial set up to remain this way, if this is the case. I would not. Period.

[Tayla]

Since your objective is to "guess" about 99% of how to surmise matters then I guess you are rollng over and accepting your fate as is. THen again, this is just a "guess".

 

Realisiically I think you know what is the right thing to do yet getting yourself to go into action mode is entirely different. So your choices are simple at this point, roll over and accept your fate or as you have been diligently fighting internally on, stand up and start changing your habits and hold him accountable. Yes , as adults we can stop "mothering" our spouses by doing their laundry, cooking the meals and making the bed. Treat yourself as an Equal and stop the cycle, its never to late to be pro active. The challenge is to follow thru on whatever goals you have for your relationship as this is clearly a hinderance to your well being....

You in essence stepped into the care taker role and its time to fire yourself and be an adult who does for yourself and lets the same hold true for the spouse.

[mickleb]

Since your objective is to "guess" about 99% of how to surmise matters then I guess you are rollng over and accepting your fate as is. THen again, this is just a "guess".

 

Realisiically I think you know what is the right thing to do yet getting yourself to go into action mode is entirely different. So your choices are simple at this point, roll over and accept your fate or as you have been diligently fighting internally on, stand up and start changing your habits and hold him accountable. Yes , as adults we can stop "mothering" our spouses by doing their laundry, cooking the meals and making the bed. Treat yourself as an Equal and stop the cycle, its never to late to be pro active. The challenge is to follow thru on whatever goals you have for your relationship as this is clearly a hinderance to your well being....

You in essence stepped into the care taker role and its time to fire yourself and be an adult who does for yourself and lets the same hold true for the spouse.

 

Yes. Like I said above, remember that you are CHOOSING to put up with this behaviour. You don't have to and have never had to.

 

You can't change him but you can change how you respond to him, and it is never too late, as Tayla says. There is a door you can walk out of, as often as you wish. You can divorce him, or you can just go and spend time with people who make you happier than he does. You could just keep one room clean and put a lock on the door. Turn it into a bedsit, if you want and just share the bathroom.

 

You are getting something out of allowing him to behave like this. Whatever it is must be worth it but none of us here have any clue as to what that could be, so we're all suggesting you don't.

 

Decide how much you like him and spend time with him, accordingly. Like you would any other person on the planet.

 

x

[tfkizzle]

I hear "But I just want/need/deserve one day off to do nothing" all the time re: men whose spouses/live-in gfs get annoyed at them for sitting on their butts doing nothing while they (the spouses/gfs) use their weekends cleaning up and running errands.

 

It's ironic that those men don't seem to make the connection that maybe their partner wants a day off from life's drudgery as well.

 

After 15 years, you're right, he's probably not going to change. If you're not willing or able to hire help then the only thing I can think for you to do is decide that life is too short be miserable and either dump the hubby or dump the attitude. There isn't any "how-to" on deciding that you're just going to be happy, though of course there are probably dozens of books pretending to hold the secret formula.

 

Good luck.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Why do you stay with him? He does not respect you. If someone loves you and respects you, they make sure that you are not constantly frustrated about their behaviour. We are adults, we all have to do things which we don't like.

 

I find a guy who refuses to do anything practical in the house a big turn-off.

 

The fact that you get angry is because you have every reason to be angry; most of the practical stuff in the relationship comes on your shoulders. Anno 2011 this is not a normal thing.

[OhMittens]

If you want him to start doing things then you need to slack some. When you make dinner, make it for yourself... he is more than capible of getting off his butt and doing it himself. Same with his laundry and everything else. It's not your job to take care of him, he's an adult and he can take care of himself.

 

When he complains you can then start talking about working as a team around the house. If he doesn't agree then you just take care of yourself.

 

I say this as a guy who does what needs to be done without complaining. If I was with someone who acted the way your husband does you better believe they would get the same treatment. I am not a doormat to be walked upon.

[amberdawn723]

I honestly have the SAME exact kind of husband. And I'm to the point of considering divorce......I just can't take it anymore. I am stressed out to my wits end. We have a 4 year old and a 3 month old. If I stopped doing something around the house or with the kids, then it would never get done. Even the very very VERY few times he has ever watched the kids while i had to go take a test at college or something, he doesn't do anything. He just holds the baby and plays video games and lets the 4 year old do whatever she wants. It's ridiculous. And I'm sick of it.