Divorce Survival - How do I get thru this painful stage?

[ValeriaM]

My last post was about me going thru the process of divorce. Where I'm at now is I think the most painful part - realizing it's really over.

 

Filing for divorce wasn't hard - it's the gut wrenching pain of ending this that is making me lose sleep and not be able to eat. I have to go thru the 60 day waiting period before I can appear in court.

 

My husband wasted no time contacting old relationships (women) and doing other things to intentionally hurt me. I've tried to keep things civil and I'd never do anything mean to him just to hurt him. He's shown no emotion during all of this and although claims to still love me and miss me he then tells me what a horrible person I've been.

 

I was faithful, honest, kind, caring and good to him. I never did anything to him - he lied to me, was verbally and mentally abusive and intent on always trying to make me jealous. I couldn't take being treated like this.

 

All I wanted was to be loved and treated well - he had to insult me to feel power and control over me. He was the type that would knock me down then laugh at me and call my crazy for thinking he meant anything by it. I know it was mental and verbal abuse but then he'd profess his undying love for me.

 

Mind games & manipulation - yet I loved him. I have to leave him but I am just feeling so insecure and devistated by this. He broke my self esteem down and I'm just trying to climb my way back up.

 

I'm just hurting so much from this and feel like a failure. He's made me feel like I'm crazy or leaving him and I "lost out" because he is just so great. What's hard to watch is how quickly he's called up the women who were previously in his life and how quickly they've come running back to him. (He says they've called him up but I know better).

 

He's told everyone he knows (family, neighbors, friends) that I am this lunatic who couldn't appreciate all he's done for me and how I have issues and problems.

 

I was a very independent, intelligent and successful single mother before I met him - now I feel like a fool.

 

HELP - I know I'm doing the right thing by getting out of this abusive situation but it is so hard. He's made me feel worthless.

 

Any kind words of advice out there?

[moimeme]

I'm just hurting so much from this and feel like a failure.

 

None of this is your fault. Exiting a bad marriage is success, not failure!

 

He's made me feel like I'm crazy or leaving him and I "lost out" because he is just so great.

 

Well, what do you expect someone who's not great at all to say? He's in total denial, of course. You know the truth - that he isn't that terrific a guy.

 

What's hard to watch is how quickly he's called up the women who were previously in his life and how quickly they've come running back to him. (He says they've called him up but I know better).

 

You should feel sympathy for them because you know what's in store for them.

 

He's told everyone he knows (family, neighbors, friends) that I am this lunatic who couldn't appreciate all he's done for me and how I have issues and problems.

 

Again, typical. Don't be wounded by this. Chalk it up to his own issues and problems.

 

I was a very independent, intelligent and successful single mother before I met him - now I feel like a fool.

 

Nobody's a fool for trying to love someone. Sometimes we just pick the entirely wrong people to love. Anybody can do it.

 

HELP - I know I'm doing the right thing by getting out of this abusive situation but it is so hard. He's made me feel worthless.

 

Try calling your local abuse help line and ask for a referral to a counsellor.

Good luck to you. You will overcome this.

[ValeriaM]

Thanks so much for your response. You helped me.

 

I guess time will heal my wounds - I'm proof that even intelligent women can be brainwashed by abusive men. No wonder so many women find it hard to leave their abusers.

 

Men are good at wearing down a woman's self esteem then putting a chokehold on them!

 

 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[reggio]

Hang in there, you will do just fine.

 

As long as you are truthful and honest with yourself, you have nothing to fear. In time you will get over this. Stay focused and positive for your own best interests.

 

What ever you do, don't let him get the best of you. Keep it together, it's not about who wins or who loses, it's about what is the right thing to do.

 

Abuse should not be tolerated and love for another should not be used to defend yourself. Just forgive his ignorance and move on with your life.

 

Good luck and God bless you.

 

Peace

[reggio]

Don't be bitter now.

 

You shouldn't generalize all men the same. There are a lot of good ones still out there.

 

Peace

[Fedup&givingup]

I think Moi summed it up quite nicely.

[Almuric]

I echo and enforce moi's post. So true.

 

It is time for you to refresh yourself and move on. Get a trainer, take up yoga or Tai Chi or cake decorating or welding (what the heck, right?) - what ever you would enjoy. Get your mind free of any guilt or other junk built up over time and the pain you went through. Its a great way to make some new freinds too.

 

Launch a website warning womankind about this jerk - whateverhisnameis.com - learn from the experience.

 

There are men like him but there are also guys who respect women and devote themselves to the right one. Some women are quite adept at mental castration, remember. It takes all kinds to make up a world.

 

You are beautiful. Believe it!

 

With God, all things are possible. Prayer is a truly remarkable thing. It always helps me feel less alone.

 

Strength to you.

[ValeriaM]

Almuric you should get paid for writing those kind words of encouragement. Bless you!!!!!!

 

You said just what I needed to hear. Thank you!