Feeling like I don't want to exist anymore

[RuinedLife]

I know I've posted this in another thread, but I'm honestly feeling so shaky now and really in need of some support so thought I better start a new thread. I guess most of you think I'm attention seeking and clearly I am in a way, but only because I'm so desperate. And I just don't know who else to turn to right now. So please don't hate me too much.

 

But I wake up every morning in agony after vivid dreams of my ex bf, who I think about constantly. Knowing that the break up was my fault. And I honestly just want to die, I feel I deserve to die and I feel like its the only way to get rid of this despair for good. I know logically that doesn't make sense and with time and medication I should start to feel better, but right now, I honestly just don't want to exist anymore.

 

To my mind I've failed, I've been rejected (therefore I must be evil and my ex must really hate me for the things I said to him, must think I'm pathetic beyond belief, will never be able to forgive me). Also I brought this pain on myself as I caused this break up because of my insecurities and my self hatred is so intense it constantly under minds my self esteem. I invested so much in my relationship and became so co-dependent to the point where my life has no meaning without my ex by my side.

 

And I know all these things sound ridiculous, absurd and down right pathetic. But this is how I feel, its worse in the mornings but I feel this way most of the day. Honestly, its been over 4 months now and many days I only feel I'm getting worse as my comforting blanket "denial" slowly disintegrates and leaves me exposed to the agonizing torture of reality that my already wilting being is far too ill equipped and weak to cope with.

 

The only realistic future I see at this point is in a mental hospital, and that would be horrible I'm sure. I struggle on for my family as I know they love me to bits and I know how much it would hurt them if I wasn't here. But I honestly feel, that other than sparing my family that pain, there is no point to me existing anymore. As ridiculous as that sounds. If I could find away to block my ex and my overwhelming guilt and self hatred from my thoughts I would but nothing I try seems to work. I guess its just another illustration of how weak my spirit has become and I know only I have the power to change things, except that I don't feel I have that power anymore. So I just don't have the inner strength needed to cope and move forward. I don't want to leave this world. I just don't want to suffer this pain anymore. My consultant psychiatrist is visiting me on Monday, I will tell him all these feelings I've had, and hopefully get some anti-depressants. I realize that there is no magic pill that can suddenly cure all this heartache and self hatred but its something and maybe it will help stop me thinking in such a negative way about myself and my break up.

 

I'm sorry to be so dramatic and negative, I really am, but I know when you feel these things its best to talk about them and reach out to others. I hope it doesn't upset anyone too much. I'm pretty sure I'd never act on such thoughts as I love my family too much to hurt them like that. But I still feel the hopelessness and worthlessness that makes me feel my existence is now empty and meaningless. I know thats the depression talking. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

[kittycat95]

hey girl, you aren't alone, trust me. I am going through a lot of pain myself too. I ignore the pain and tell myself that he will come back, but this denial is really a bad thing to rely on, because it is just false hope. So as painful as it is, if you have accepted he is gone, or at least what you HAD is gone, then that is a good step.

 

Here is some things I have been trying to repeat to myself:

 

- I can't rely on him for my happiness. I have to accept this.

 

- I will feel better in time. I have to accept this.

 

- I have to let this pain go because love shouldnt hurt so much. I have to accept this.

 

- He is gone and no amount of longing will bring him back. I have to accept this.

 

- Calling him for the millionth time will do nothing. I have to accept this.

 

you get the point... I am in a lot of pain too I hope it gets better soon.

[Roxxstar]

RuinedLife... 1st off you have to stop thinking like that. There are some rules to getting over people, and the first is to not to punish yourself. Whether they leave you or die, unfortunately, we all experience loss in this life.

 

As corny as it sounds, you have to choose happiness. All that means is you tell yourself that eventually, you will be happy. You make a promise to yourself to be happy, no matter what.

 

One way I do that, is I think about what I would do for that person I love. What I would do right then, at that moment. And then I do it...for myself. Treat yourself as you would treat them if they we're with you.

[RuinedLife]

I'm so sorry that you both are suffering so much too

 

I keep trying to choose happiness but I can't make it stick and the despair comes back so intensely every morning

 

I just feel so completely worthless and empty inside, like a hollow shell, with self hatred drowning any positivity that tries to surface

 

I love everyone here on Love Shack though! I just want you all to know that!

 

And I am so grateful for all the support I've received. I really hope the pain gets better soon for all of us.

[RuinedLife]

I just watched this video and its given me some strength to keep trying.

 

 

I do realize how incredibly lucky I am in so many ways in my life and I love others around me and find so many things in this world inspiring and beautiful, I'm just really struggling to love myself right now.

 

I need to get help. I need to conquer this depression and find a way to love myself and be happy again...

[RuinedLife]

Self pity is the worst self destructive force

 

And this Stephen Fry radio clip always makes me feel ashamed. Of course the point of his words is to emphasize how destructive self pity and thus feelings of self hatred are and how it is important to fight against those feelings...

 

Its just a struggle when you hate yourself so much, I really need to stop all this self pity and start loving myself again and making the most of my life...

[TaraMaiden]

"Hatred never ceases through Hatred, but by Love alone is it conquered. This is the ancient and eternal Law."

 

The more you harbour negative emotions in your heart and mind, the more you create your own pain.

 

I'm not suggesting you're projecting Hate outwards to others.

But any form of hatred, even if it is turned inwards, in many manifestations, is self-destructive and inhibitive.

 

I love

, and occasionally if ever I feel weighed down by circumstances, I watch it.

 

It's about 10 minutes long, and you'll need your speakers turned up. But it concerns focussing Unconditional Love (Metta) outwards.

The more we project Love - without issues and agendas, merely in its purest form - the more it will come back to us abundantly.

[RuinedLife]

"Hatred never ceases through Hatred, but by Love alone is it conquered. This is the ancient and eternal Law."

 

The more you harbour negative emotions in your heart and mind, the more you create your own pain.

 

I'm not suggesting you're projecting Hate outwards to others.

But any form of hatred, even if it is turned inwards, in many manifestations, is self-destructive and inhibitive.

 

I love

, and occasionally if ever I feel weighed down by circumstances, I watch it.

 

It's about 10 minutes long, and you'll need your speakers turned up. But it concerns focussing Unconditional Love (Metta) outwards.

The more we project Love - without issues and agendas, merely in its purest form - the more it will come back to us abundantly.

 

I know everything you say is right.

 

I just keep waking up in a panic and I have such dark thoughts about how I can't go on and ways to end the pain. And I am just so incredibly angry at myself, I don't know how to forgive myself and make it stop. I just feel so unworthy of life. Like I don't deserve to live. I just feel completely stuck because I can't right the wrongs.

[Exit]

Mornings definitely are the worst, no doubt about it. I don't know what it is about our brain chemistry that lets us be so down in the morning. Usually by night time I am totally fine with things, or even if I'm sad about my ex, I'm "okay" with it, but every morning the panic repeats.

 

You will be okay, and so will I, some day. I've been here before, so as bad as it gets and as much as I just want to not exist anymore, I know some day I'll be over it. There's really nothing more to say, I wish I could help you right now, but I can't. You're just going to go through this process and eventually you'll be okay.

[nlpman]

hi, sounds to me you have too much to cope with by yourself.

 

options:

 

1. Self medicate with natural anti depressants such as 5htp st johns wort and omega 3 oils. Stick to the dose every day , they worked for me but took about 3 days to kick in.

 

2. Doctors visit for immediate prescription for anti depressants and maybe something to numb the pain while the pills take effect (about 1 week).

 

and then therapy, pick one, EFT works well and immediately for emotional issues, NLP and timeline therapy can remove negative emotions from memories in one visit to the therapist.

 

Do these things right now and you will be looking back at yourself one day whilst feeling happy wondering how you could have felt so sad, what would that feel like?

 

Get started right now!

[RuinedLife]

hi, sounds to me you have too much to cope with by yourself.

 

options:

 

1. Self medicate with natural anti depressants such as 5htp st johns wort and omega 3 oils. Stick to the dose every day , they worked for me but took about 3 days to kick in.

 

2. Doctors visit for immediate prescription for anti depressants and maybe something to numb the pain while the pills take effect (about 1 week).

 

and then therapy, pick one, EFT works well and immediately for emotional issues, NLP and timeline therapy can remove negative emotions from memories in one visit to the therapist.

 

Do these things right now and you will be looking back at yourself one day whilst feeling happy wondering how you could have felt so sad, what would that feel like?

 

Get started right now!

 

Thanks for the advice! I'm on anti-anxiety meds but may have to start anti-depressants too, my consultant psychiatrist is coming to see me on Monday.

 

In the mean time I'm giving EFT and NLP a try by watching self help youtube videos. And it does help a little I think. Thank you.

[RuinedLife]

Mornings definitely are the worst, no doubt about it. I don't know what it is about our brain chemistry that lets us be so down in the morning. Usually by night time I am totally fine with things, or even if I'm sad about my ex, I'm "okay" with it, but every morning the panic repeats.

 

You will be okay, and so will I, some day. I've been here before, so as bad as it gets and as much as I just want to not exist anymore, I know some day I'll be over it. There's really nothing more to say, I wish I could help you right now, but I can't. You're just going to go through this process and eventually you'll be okay.

 

So sorry to hear you feel so bad too

 

Although always helps a little to know I'm not alone feeling this way.

 

Hope we both start feeling better soon.

[RuinedLife]

I'm sorry I've been posting so much. I just feel so scared and alone right now.

 

I used to go to a depression chat room but I got banned and I dare not go back.

 

I really appreciate all the support everyone on here has give me. It means a lot. I wish I could repay you all in some way. I guess trying to offer support and advice to others and posting links to helpful youtube videos is the best I can do for now.

 

Many thanks to all on this board!!

[usabup]

I'm sorry I've been posting so much. I just feel so scared and alone right now.

 

I used to go to a depression chat room but I got banned and I dare not go back.

 

I really appreciate all the support everyone on here has give me. It means a lot. I wish I could repay you all in some way. I guess trying to offer support and advice to others and posting links to helpful youtube videos is the best I can do for now.

 

Many thanks to all on this board!!

 

Why did you get banned from the chat room?

[RuinedLife]

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up

 

Thats how bad I feel. I wish my ex cared. Why doesn't he care anymore? Am I really that pathetic (yes I know I am), I just don't have that inner strength that most people do. Its just gone on for so long and I brought it all on myself I know. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.

 

I don't want to get banned from here too, as I know I'm posting too much and no doubt people are frustrated with me that I'm still being negative after all the helpful advice I've been given. I've just been stuck in the deep depression for nearly 5 months now, with thoughts going on a loop in my head, making me feel as despairing as I did when the break up first happened.

 

And it seems with each passing day I realize more and more just how much I love my ex and just how dangerously co-dependent on him I've become. I guess I'm just venting again as I'm in a lot of physical pain today too and haven't been able to get out of bed.

 

I love you all! Please remember that.

[RuinedLife]

Why did you get banned from the chat room?

 

For being too negative I suppose. My obsessive thinking annoys many. I'm sure you can see why. Its a self perpetuating illness negativity. Because the more negative you are, the more you push people away, the more lonely you feel and thus the more negative you become... and the cycle continues until there is noone left but you and your negativity.

 

I know this all too well, and yet I keep returning to this viscous cycle of negative thoughts and emotions..

[Graceful]

Thanks for the advice! I'm on anti-anxiety meds but may have to start anti-depressants too, my consultant psychiatrist is coming to see me on Monday.

 

In the mean time I'm giving EFT and NLP a try by watching self help youtube videos. And it does help a little I think. Thank you.

 

Hi RL,

 

How you are feeling?

 

You're on the right track getting treatment and having a consult on Monday. Let this help light the way for you over the next day or so until you have the consult. Getting anti-depressants to help lift you out of your depression is going to be key as well.

 

Look, you have clinical depression. It's not something you can help at this point. You need help and you're getting it, but you seem to be a little resistant to the help you are getting. Now you are going to have to roll up your sleeves and get serious about attacking your inner demons and working on them.

 

The thing is this. We're feeding you pablum here, and while it's nice, you need something more powerful. You are past the "infancy" stage of your breakup, and you need to feel a sense of hope, no matter how small, and you're not seeing it yet. This is key. HOPE is key. If you don't have hope, then you will continue to feel the despair that you are feeling.

 

So when you look ahead, and when you start getting into your psych sessions, think in terms of hope for yourself, that there is hope for you (there is!) -- you are a very intelligent capable person, you really are. Your relationship with your ex didn't steal that from you, but it seems to have stolen your HOPE.

 

I have to say this. But you weren't living an honest relationship with your ex. You were hiding something from him, you were hiding lots of your feelings from him. So there must have been something about that relationship you didn't trust. Otherwise, you would have been honest with him and not held back. So what was it? Why did you hide your real self from him? I suspect you hid b/c you were afraid he wouldn't love you for YOU. You were afraid he'd run? You didn't like yourself very much in the first place?

 

If you didn't like yourself prior to the breakup, then this is what you have to work on. It has NOTHING to do with the breakup. This is why you are beating yourself up relentlessly. You now hate yourself for blowing your cover? Well, how can you be in an honest relationship if you feel you can't disclose who you really are? I don't mean to poke at you too much, but again, I believe the breakup was more a catalyst than a cause of your self doubts, your anxiety and even your depression. So really, really use your psyche consult, and use your self-knowledge in your therapy sessions to focus on yourself, because once you unravel your inner conflicts, that's going to help you forgive yourself, and see that what you did was not your fault.

 

Again, it's very difficult to see how much you are suffering. But you are a very intelligent person, and there's a little twinkle of humor I can see poking out from the sides, and that's what gives me the feeling that in due time, and with a lot of effort on your part, you're going to make it through this. Sending love your way. Take care.

[Axee]

RuinedLife,

 

For starters, Change your username

 

Your life is not ruined. Period.

 

It will get ruined ONLY if you ruin it.

 

Self Pity, will not take you anywhere.

 

Get an emotional backbone,Look around, there are so many people who have climbed up from where you are..get inspired by them.. rehashing same things over and over will only reopen your wounds.. Pull out the bandage.

Sorry if I sound harsh.. But this is the truth..

[Axee]

Another thought :

 

Do you "really" want to get better?

 

Or are you subconsciously holding on to things because the hurt and negative thoughts make you feel alive?

 

Ask yourself these difficult questions..

[RuinedLife]

 

Do you "really" want to get better?

 

What if the answer is no? Thats what really worries me as the answer may well be no and then I'll be stuck here forever.

 

 

Or are you subconsciously holding on to things because the hurt and negative thoughts make you feel alive?

 

I don't think thats the case, but its a possibility. At the moment though I don't want to live, but I don't want to die either. So I'm stuck. I feel like there is no way out because everything I've tried over the past 5 months... has failed.

 

I'm reaching out for therapy though and I'm on new meds so hopefully these things will help slowly build up my self confidence again. And give me that bit of strength to start slowly climbing up out of this hole I've fallen into.

[Axee]

If you dont want to get better, then no one can help you... cause ultimately its your life...

 

 

Everyone will help you but only till their limit...

 

If you are wilfully holding on to negativity...then trust me by posting here or taking any medicine, everything is a "temporary" solution..

 

find some good friends, read some nice books, watch some movies, laugh, play..take photographs, chat .. gossip, go shopping...get a massage...

Do things you DONT want to do..

 

If you continue like this, people will stop replying cause its YOU who is responsible for your life, and everyone likes a positive , optimistic thinker...not someone who deliberately wants to sabotage her life..

Common girl, you can do it !Go out and play

[TaraMaiden]

Another thought that struck me, along similar lines to the thoughts Axee's having is this:

 

Feeling sorry for yourself and broadcasting it all over the place, continuously, is a great way to get your Ego fed.

 

Now, I don't want to get slapped down for this (even though I might be.....meh, it's a risk I'm going to take....), but this "poor me, feel sorry for me, I feel so dreadful I can't go on" gets you loads of attention.

Loads of attention, for all the wrong reasons, but attention, never the less. And some attention in this frame is better than none at all....

And you keep complimenting us, which is a way of endearing yourself to us, so how could we be angry with you, when you're being so kind?

 

So nobody's going to report you or ignore you, because it seems like you're a really nice girl, and your despair is genuine.

 

First of all, this is not a conscious ego-boosting behaviour, on your part.

You're not acting this way deliberately to get attention, but it's a way to gain acknowledgement, because you're deeply upset, licking your wounds, feeling at your lowest because the man you were devoted to has gone from your life....But look. Isn't this great? Everyone is paying attention to you, so in a small and less significant way, we're paying the kind of attention to you, he was.

 

D'you see a behaviour pattern here?

If you start getting over things, your role here will change.

 

Please understand - I'm not suggesting in any way you're trying to trick us, or deceive us into talking to you.

What you feel is genuine despair.

But you are prolonging it, feeding it, and nourishing it, and in part, you're getting us to help you stay there....

 

Part of you relishes the pain, because you gain validation and relief from being there....

Do you see what I mean?

[RuinedLife]

Another thought that struck me, along similar lines to the thoughts Axee's having is this:

 

Feeling sorry for yourself and broadcasting it all over the place, continuously, is a great way to get your Ego fed.

 

Now, I don't want to get slapped down for this (even though I might be.....meh, it's a risk I'm going to take....), but this "poor me, feel sorry for me, I feel so dreadful I can't go on" gets you loads of attention.

Loads of attention, for all the wrong reasons, but attention, never the less. And some attention in this frame is better than none at all....

And you keep complimenting us, which is a way of endearing yourself to us, so how could we be angry with you, when you're being so kind?

 

So nobody's going to report you or ignore you, because it seems like you're a really nice girl, and your despair is genuine.

 

First of all, this is not a conscious ego-boosting behaviour, on your part.

You're not acting this way deliberately to get attention, but it's a way to gain acknowledgement, because you're deeply upset, licking your wounds, feeling at your lowest because the man you were devoted to has gone from your life....But look. Isn't this great? Everyone is paying attention to you, so in a small and less significant way, we're paying the kind of attention to you, he was.

 

D'you see a behaviour pattern here?

If you start getting over things, your role here will change.

 

Please understand - I'm not suggesting in any way you're trying to trick us, or deceive us into talking to you.

What you feel is genuine despair.

But you are prolonging it, feeding it, and nourishing it, and in part, you're getting us to help you stay there....

 

Part of you relishes the pain, because you gain validation and relief from being there....

Do you see what I mean?

 

Yes. Rings very true

[giuliano-3]

Feeling sorry for yourself and broadcasting it all over the place, continuously, is a great way to get your Ego fed.

 

Part of you relishes the pain, because you gain validation and relief from being there....

Do you see what I mean?

 

Yes, I do!!! It is sooooo hard to let go of the pain and depression. It can feel like losing a part of yourself, your identity. It then becomes even harder to forgive yourself for feeling so sorry for yourself.

 

One sure fire way this past year to get the girls to saw "awwww" for me was telling them the story of my ex. And gosh, they really cared. And gosh, they kept telling me what a nice guy I am. How I deserve better. How my ex didn't really deserve me. How karma would strike her down one day. It seemed to make me feel so good.

 

I was only feeding my ego. It can be good to do this for awhile after a bad breakup, but a certain amount of time passes and it becomes unhealthy. Hey, its not weird or uncommon to go through this - everyone needs their ego stroked now and again. Especially after a traumatic episode.

 

One piece of advice for you...if someone writes something which makes you angry read it again. And again. In my case the things written which made me the most angry were because they were also probably the most true. Or at least what I really needed to hear. Its hard to take a good hard look at yourself. It can be even harder to forgive yourself. You should do both. I know in time you will.

[PelicanPete]

Well, I'm not going to be so nice.

 

You're not going to get anywhere in life if you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself while a psychiatrist hand feeds you meds. Yeah life isn't fair, but that's what makes it worth living. Depression is a personal journey, and in the end that person needs to vanquish their own demons. No medication or anything or anyone else is going to make it better for you. You flood the forums basically looking for a shortcut, when there are no shortcuts. You're in the same spot you were 5 months ago because you refuse to work for it. The greatest things in life are never things that can just be given to you, but things you work towards.

 

Would you rather peoples sympathy, or peoples respect? I give great respect to those people who overcome their lifes challenges, and I give sympathy to those who are pushing through their suffering. What I read of your posts though gives me the impression you don't deserve any sympathy or respect. Each and every human being has unlimited potential that has been proven time and time again through out history, and when a person intentionally keeps themselves at rock bottom out of fear and cowardice, I find it pathetic.

 

There is an endless amount of beauty to each day on earth. Rather then relish in the moment and trying to focus towards what is now, you're ignoring that and instead focusing on the one negative that is essentially gone forever. Why, Because you're afraid of change? Life is change! You have much more to be afraid of if you choose to continue with this behavior. If you want to forfeit your happiness, self worth, and dreams - all for what? One person in this vastly populated planet that isn't even in your life anymore? By all means, continue.

 

Whenever I start to get sad about my life, I start to think of the hundreds if not thousands of people that would gladly trade places with me in a heart beat. Yeah my life isn't perfect and there have been a lot of rough points, but I'm not going to stamp my feet and cry over it. I'm not willing to bog myself down and let my life go to waste over the past, and I hope you decide the same. Prove that you aren't letting your life go to waste, and prove that you aren't a coward, by taking steps to moving forward.