Feeling like I don't want to exist anymore

[Karala]

RL,

you got banned from a depression chatroom for being too negative. You kick ass, lol. Those people are not serious. You're the sh*t

 

I'm joking about that, right. It's really not like I applaud you for being negative, but your persistency and consistency are really tough stuff, even though for now they're being used to keep you down.

 

I have nothing more to say, except that I love Stephen Fry!

This video has me LMFAO (yes, I said LMFAO) even when I feel like killing myself.

[RuinedLife]

Well, I'm not going to be so nice.

 

You're not going to get anywhere in life if you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself while a psychiatrist hand feeds you meds. Yeah life isn't fair, but that's what makes it worth living. Depression is a personal journey, and in the end that person needs to vanquish their own demons. No medication or anything or anyone else is going to make it better for you. You flood the forums basically looking for a shortcut, when there are no shortcuts. You're in the same spot you were 5 months ago because you refuse to work for it. The greatest things in life are never things that can just be given to you, but things you work towards.

 

Would you rather peoples sympathy, or peoples respect? I give great respect to those people who overcome their lifes challenges, and I give sympathy to those who are pushing through their suffering. What I read of your posts though gives me the impression you don't deserve any sympathy or respect. Each and every human being has unlimited potential that has been proven time and time again through out history, and when a person intentionally keeps themselves at rock bottom out of fear and cowardice, I find it pathetic.

 

There is an endless amount of beauty to each day on earth. Rather then relish in the moment and trying to focus towards what is now, you're ignoring that and instead focusing on the one negative that is essentially gone forever. Why, Because you're afraid of change? Life is change! You have much more to be afraid of if you choose to continue with this behavior. If you want to forfeit your happiness, self worth, and dreams - all for what? One person in this vastly populated planet that isn't even in your life anymore? By all means, continue.

 

Whenever I start to get sad about my life, I start to think of the hundreds if not thousands of people that would gladly trade places with me in a heart beat. Yeah my life isn't perfect and there have been a lot of rough points, but I'm not going to stamp my feet and cry over it. I'm not willing to bog myself down and let my life go to waste over the past, and I hope you decide the same. Prove that you aren't letting your life go to waste, and prove that you aren't a coward, by taking steps to moving forward.

 

You're right about me. I don't deserve sympathy or respect its true. I won't deny it. I feel I deserve to die. I can't pretend I don't feel this way. I've tried, believe me I have (I know you don't believe me) And I've reached out for help and I'm getting it. To be completely honest with you I really hope they do take me away to some mental hospital and numb me senseless with pills, or better yet come up to me with a hammer and knock some sense into me! Because I think maybe I need that kind of harsh tough love wake up call!

 

I just want relief from the pain. I guess just numbness isn't enough though you're right, no pill is going to help me. I can go for walks with my mother, I can watch TV, I can play video games with my brother, I can bake a cake for my Dad's birthday, I can write poetry and funny fan fictions, I can listen to upbeat and inspiring songs, I can try to help others through their break ups and offer support and advice, I can do volenteer work at the local charity shop on Thursday afternoons, I can paint all kinds of fantastic things from my imagination, I can read 20+ self help books cover to cover, I can read other science fiction and scientific non fiction books, I can try to re-emurse myself in my science theory and scientific writing, I can go bowling with my brother, I can go to cinema and watch new films, I can hang out with my brother and his friends, I can try self hypnosis to promote positive thinking and improve my motivation, I can try EFT and NLP, I can dance around my bedroom to upbeat music with this horrible empty feeling inside of me...

 

But none of these things alter the fact that I am broken inside.

 

I really hope cognative behavioural therapy helps me.. I really do. I'm deseperate for some relief from this pain. I know you think its all my own doing, and you're right because I did bring all this on myself and you're right that only I can get out of it. But there comes a point when the pain just becomes so unbearable that you can't imagine it ever getting better. You may know logically it is likely to, but when you're this depressed you don't feel it will.

 

I suffer from major depression, anxiety and obsessive thinking and all these things are truly incidious. And I'm not making excuses. I know I'm responsible for putting myself in this pit of despair and I know I'm responsible for pulling myself out again. But my brain is mis-wired. Neurotransmitters are lacking. Or something. I don't know whats wrong with me. The answers no doubt lie deep within my brain. And if I had access to an MRI machine then I would study my neurological quirks in detail. So I could fully understand this self destructive path I've taken.

 

I just can't control my emotions. Which is a flaw in my character I'm sure, a MAJOR flaw.. But I just feel so guilty for so many things, I hate myself in so many ways, and every time I try to be a better person, to reach out to others, to get out in the real world and help others, I always seem to fail.

 

I tried so very hard to help myself, but there comes a point where the pain just becomes too much and can't be cured with exercise, diets, social activities, creative projects, family support.

 

Sorry I'm wittering again. I just want you all to know that I'm incredibly grateful for all your support, even the tough love because you are right and I needed to hear that. I need to wake up to reality. And I need to realize how truly pathetic I've become, because if I don't I will never be able to accept my downfall and climb back up the rope. But Darwin's survival of the fittest said it all, strong, confident determined people will prosper in this world and weak, self pitying types will soon perish. That is just the way of things.

 

The fittest among us will fight the hardest to survive and they are most likely to prosper, whereas the weakest among us would die out if nature were to have its way. Because of doctors and psychiatrists and anti-depressants etc weak types like me are able to survive and are given another chance. And I am under no illusions, I owe my life to the people around me, to my parents who cared for me when I was seriously ill, and now people on this forum as the kind words and support I receive gives me the strength to keep going.

 

I am not even really meant to be here, I nearly died when I was 17 I was so ill, it was doctors and modern medicine that saved my life. And I would not be here if it wasn't for their help.

 

I know I am incredibly lucky. Lucky to have a loving family, lucky to have food and shelter, lucky to have all the luxuries in this world that I could ever dream of, when people around the world are being killed in wars, tortured in the most horrific ways, dying of starvation, disease and and losing their home and family to natural disasters.

 

And yet with all my creature comforts I still wallow in my depression and despair and self pity. Why? Because I am not meant to be here. Simple as that. And yet I am here still and I can't leave. I am stuck. So I ask for help. And I'm getting help. And I'm following the advice I'm given as best I can, its difficult with my illness, but still I'm trying. I use the relaxation techniques of meditation, stillness and slow deep breathing to help calm my mind, but dark thoughts persist. I've had a great life, but when everything starts spiraling out of control and you can't turn it around alone, you reach out. So I'm reaching. Maybe I don't deserve help but reaching out for help is still better than giving up. I don't want to give up. Its not fair on those around me who love and care for me so deeply. Its not fair on my future self who may one day prosper if I make it through these dark times.

 

So I keep living, day by day, and I reach out. Because sometimes you have to admit your failings, admit you can't cope alone and ask for that support to move forward, ask for that support to stop you from slipping further down. I don't want to drown in my negative thoughts anymore. And I'm too weak to swim far. So I reach out to others, a nearby lifeboat, to save me. If I stop reaching, that would be giving up and I don't want to give up... ever. Because my family needs me here.

[kittycat95]

Hang in there love. I actually see that people are trying to maybe give you some tough love, but I also am a sensitive person sometimes, so I don't want you to get too turned off and feel like you have no support at all.

 

I find that laughter is sometimes the best medicine -

- give it a chance

[RuinedLife]

RL,

you got banned from a depression chatroom for being too negative. You kick ass, lol. Those people are not serious. You're the sh*t

 

I'm joking about that, right. It's really not like I applaud you for being negative, but your persistency and consistency are really tough stuff, even though for now they're being used to keep you down.

 

I have nothing more to say, except that I love Stephen Fry!

This video has me LMFAO (yes, I said LMFAO) even when I feel like killing myself.

 

Thanks! Yes I don't give up my negativity without a fight! And as weird as it sounds, that actually makes me feel more positive about myself. I just feel a sense of empowerment when I defend my clearly socially unacceptable coping strategies. But there you go. Wrap your head around that twisted logic, if you dare!

 

Also I LOVE Stephen Fry and have been watching a lot of youtube videos where he talks about depression. Just talking about these things and reaching out to people is so important. Hiding these thoughts away because of the social stigma they bring is never helpful. People who feel that depressed need help and thats ok, because sometimes its braver to admit you're struggling and reach out for help then it is to struggle on letting your dark thoughts overwhelm to the point of no return.

[SunKnight]

Wow, it looks like I found the right forum for how I feel too!! ha Ha

 

I have been depressed most of my life for different reasons, primarily, it became my de-fault response to the hardships that we all face. I understand the self-hatred that comes with being unable to be happy, and that creates the negative feedback loop.

"I am depressed because I am depressed", consumed with remorse, guilt, regret. It becomes a LEARNED behavior, and the brain chemistry becomes altered to be addicted to the suffering.

 

It is darkness we have to combat and REFUSE to succumb to, and many are with you on the journey, fellow sufferers.

 

My advice to Ruined Life is to not let being a depressive become your identity, you must let something else in, anything. Find the small girl inside that is ready to smile once and ONE THING. A cute dog or cat may do the trick, going to the play ground and watching the children play. Get into the children's world. Watch one explore their world, and remember, you deserve to be out exploring too, defeating your depression. I bet you are an amazing person inside waiting to soar.

[PelicanPete]

You're putting limitations on yourself, Ruined. You know you are the only one that can make things better, but your attitude and actions speak otherwise.

You're telling me that your broken and can't be fixed. An individual alone makes their own limitations. That alone tells me you aren't even trying.

 

I don't really care how your brain is wired. Your brain is different from mine, different from everyone else that has ever lived. That doesn't mean you can never be happy. Our neurons make millions of connections everyday, and the frequent tasks become more connected through repetition and practice. Our body is constantly trying to adapt to our surroundings, so if you believe and act like your broken, you're going to start to feel like your broken. All this is, is just a bad habit that your letting consume your life. You're just using this as an excuse to justify your behavior.

 

You can become just as strong as anyone else. I don't see depression and anxiety as any excuse not to be, in fact it promotes it. Suffering is how you become strong, for we all start off as weaklings. Improving your emotional strength is exactly the same as improving your physical strength. I'm not going to go through my emotional struggles because I don't want any sympathy or pity, so ill use a physical example. Growing up I was a skinny kid. I was underweight and could barely even bench press the 40 lb bar at 16. I was 6'1 130 pounds, and I knew I was a weakling. I wanted to avoid physical fitness because I was intimidated by it. Everyone was so much stronger then I was it was almost embarrassing, But I didn't want to be weak anymore. I knew I would never be happy if I didn't take this step. So I suffered through my first year of weighted exercise, cardio, and stretching. It was difficult at first, and some days I was so sore I could barely move. Every year I became stronger, and changed my exercises so I always suffered through them so I grew.

I'm now 20 years old, and have gained 35 pounds since I was 16. I amazed my friend when I benched 230 the other day. I use to struggle with 1 pullup, I now do 10 with good form in the morning with 50lbs strapped to my waist. Regular pushups are no longer a challenge for me, so I taught myself how to handstand and do pushups from there. I work out 6 days a week now for a total of about 3 hours a day, all because back when I was 16 I wanted to be stronger, and I accomplished that. I'm not going to set a limit on myself though, because by doing that I will never grow. My goal is still the same as it was 4 years ago - to be stronger.

 

If you didn't belong here, you never would've been born in the first place, and everyone wouldnt be trying so hard to keep you happy. From what you've told me about your life it sounds like the only thing that doesn't belong is your depression. You have a purpose and you're alive for a reason.

 

You can say whatever the hell you want, "I'm broken" "I don't belong here" "Life is too hard" "The reason I'm like this is _____", but deep inside you all know it's bs. If its survival of the fittest as you said, you should start becoming the fittest and not curling up in the fetal position in your own personal hell. Stop hiding, stop waiting for someone to come to your rescue. You have to want to be strong or you'll get eaten alive. Start clawing at the walls and trying to find a way out, because as far as we're aware this is the only chance at life we get.

[momTookydrota]

where buy Levaquin mastercard order Valtrex overnight cheap how to get Zanaflex mastercard without Pravachol cheap overnight fedex ordering Reglan over the counter ordering Fansidar over the counter Celebrex online next day Declomycin mastercard pharmacy store purchase Lovegra overnight delivery overnight Frumil without a rx Desogen without a prescription online with overnight delivery where can i buy Thorazine without a rx Artane from canada buy discount Tequin online Free shipping Trandate order Danocrine overnight cheap Buy Mellaril with saturday delivery Order Cafergot online cod purchase Valtrex without prescription cheapest Revia available online

[Karala]

You're right about me. I don't deserve sympathy or respect its true. I won't deny it. I feel I deserve to die. I can't pretend I don't feel this way. I've tried, believe me I have (I know you don't believe me) And I've reached out for help and I'm getting it. To be completely honest with you I really hope they do take me away to some mental hospital and numb me senseless with pills, or better yet come up to me with a hammer and knock some sense into me! Because I think maybe I need that kind of harsh tough love wake up call!

 

I just want relief from the pain. I guess just numbness isn't enough though you're right, no pill is going to help me. I can go for walks with my mother, I can watch TV, I can play video games with my brother, I can bake a cake for my Dad's birthday, I can write poetry and funny fan fictions, I can listen to upbeat and inspiring songs, I can try to help others through their break ups and offer support and advice, I can do volenteer work at the local charity shop on Thursday afternoons, I can paint all kinds of fantastic things from my imagination, I can read 20+ self help books cover to cover, I can read other science fiction and scientific non fiction books, I can try to re-emurse myself in my science theory and scientific writing, I can go bowling with my brother, I can go to cinema and watch new films, I can hang out with my brother and his friends, I can try self hypnosis to promote positive thinking and improve my motivation, I can try EFT and NLP, I can dance around my bedroom to upbeat music with this horrible empty feeling inside of me...

 

But none of these things alter the fact that I am broken inside.

 

I really hope cognative behavioural therapy helps me.. I really do. I'm deseperate for some relief from this pain. I know you think its all my own doing, and you're right because I did bring all this on myself and you're right that only I can get out of it. But there comes a point when the pain just becomes so unbearable that you can't imagine it ever getting better. You may know logically it is likely to, but when you're this depressed you don't feel it will.

 

I suffer from major depression, anxiety and obsessive thinking and all these things are truly incidious. And I'm not making excuses. I know I'm responsible for putting myself in this pit of despair and I know I'm responsible for pulling myself out again. But my brain is mis-wired. Neurotransmitters are lacking. Or something. I don't know whats wrong with me. The answers no doubt lie deep within my brain. And if I had access to an MRI machine then I would study my neurological quirks in detail. So I could fully understand this self destructive path I've taken.

 

I just can't control my emotions. Which is a flaw in my character I'm sure, a MAJOR flaw.. But I just feel so guilty for so many things, I hate myself in so many ways, and every time I try to be a better person, to reach out to others, to get out in the real world and help others, I always seem to fail.

 

I tried so very hard to help myself, but there comes a point where the pain just becomes too much and can't be cured with exercise, diets, social activities, creative projects, family support.

 

Sorry I'm wittering again. I just want you all to know that I'm incredibly grateful for all your support, even the tough love because you are right and I needed to hear that. I need to wake up to reality. And I need to realize how truly pathetic I've become, because if I don't I will never be able to accept my downfall and climb back up the rope. But Darwin's survival of the fittest said it all, strong, confident determined people will prosper in this world and weak, self pitying types will soon perish. That is just the way of things.

 

The fittest among us will fight the hardest to survive and they are most likely to prosper, whereas the weakest among us would die out if nature were to have its way. Because of doctors and psychiatrists and anti-depressants etc weak types like me are able to survive and are given another chance. And I am under no illusions, I owe my life to the people around me, to my parents who cared for me when I was seriously ill, and now people on this forum as the kind words and support I receive gives me the strength to keep going.

 

I am not even really meant to be here, I nearly died when I was 17 I was so ill, it was doctors and modern medicine that saved my life. And I would not be here if it wasn't for their help.

 

I know I am incredibly lucky. Lucky to have a loving family, lucky to have food and shelter, lucky to have all the luxuries in this world that I could ever dream of, when people around the world are being killed in wars, tortured in the most horrific ways, dying of starvation, disease and and losing their home and family to natural disasters.

 

And yet with all my creature comforts I still wallow in my depression and despair and self pity. Why? Because I am not meant to be here. Simple as that. And yet I am here still and I can't leave. I am stuck. So I ask for help. And I'm getting help. And I'm following the advice I'm given as best I can, its difficult with my illness, but still I'm trying. I use the relaxation techniques of meditation, stillness and slow deep breathing to help calm my mind, but dark thoughts persist. I've had a great life, but when everything starts spiraling out of control and you can't turn it around alone, you reach out. So I'm reaching. Maybe I don't deserve help but reaching out for help is still better than giving up. I don't want to give up. Its not fair on those around me who love and care for me so deeply. Its not fair on my future self who may one day prosper if I make it through these dark times.

 

So I keep living, day by day, and I reach out. Because sometimes you have to admit your failings, admit you can't cope alone and ask for that support to move forward, ask for that support to stop you from slipping further down. I don't want to drown in my negative thoughts anymore. And I'm too weak to swim far. So I reach out to others, a nearby lifeboat, to save me. If I stop reaching, that would be giving up and I don't want to give up... ever. Because my family needs me here.

 

RL, you do kick ass.

[The Great Gazoo]

- I will feel better in time. I have to accept this.

 

- I have to let this pain go because love shouldnt hurt so much. I have to accept this.

 

 

 

So absolutely very this.

[RuinedLife]

I know I have to accept my breakup, but saying I accept it and am going to move on and actually accepting it and moving on are 2 very different things.

 

I could lie to myself and all of you and tell myself I've accepted the break up, its over in my mind and there is no going back. Problem is, I don't believe this. I just don't, I don't know what else to tell you. One day, given time and some closure (yes I have to see my ex again, yes I have to get all my stuff back from his house) maybe I will. But that day hasn't come yet and you can't force acceptance. Believe me I've tried.

[Axee]

How old are you Ruined Life?

 

This is the last time I am replying to you.

 

Keep up this negativity and all sympathisizers please go ahead and support her for validating her "empowerment"

 

No wonder you got kicked out from depression forum..

 

Good Luck

[Axee]

Pelican Pete,

 

Nice post BTW.. RL , hope u read it carefully...

[RuinedLife]

This is going to sound strange, but I think I need to go NC on LS for awhile as I'm clearly upsetting some people here and that was never my intention.

 

I don't want to cause anymore suffering.

 

I feel like I'm a vessel for the dark side of the force... and I don't want to inflict anymore of that darkness and negativity on any of the kind caring people here. Because you're all been incredibly supportive to me and you deserve a pleasant peaceful atmosphere of happiness and positivity on this forum. And positivity at the moment is something I'm struggling to provide. Not only that but my constantly racing negative thoughts overwhelm me too much to truly move forward at this point.

 

And I don't blame you for getting so frustrated with me. Not in the least. Because I can completely understand your frustration, as I'm feverishly frustrated with myself.

 

But I can see I'm starting to darken this forum, so I think its best I leave, at least until I get my emotions in check.

 

I just want to thank everyone here again for all the support you've given me! I will reflect on it all and tell my psychiatrists all these things, all these issues I have.

 

And I just want anyone else who is currently struggling with break up despair, and feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness to know that...

 

You WILL make it through your break up! You will learn much about yourself through the recovery process and in time you will feel happy again and you will become a stronger person at the end of it all!

 

I know you will. And I hope I will too. I won't give up. As much pain as I'm in, as hopeless and worthless as I feel. I won't give up. I will get help and I will get better. I am determined.

 

I just have to learn to better shield myself from the negative views others have of me, so they don't cripple me so and send me into a negative despairing spiral, and I'm not at that point yet. Once I've built up my self esteem maybe I'll return, but for now I think its best I leave. However, I still feel I need some extra support through these dark times, so I will go to suicide, depression and self harm forums where hopefully more people will be able to relate and help me through this darkness.

 

I need to understand why I'm in the pit and how to get out and that is going to take a lot of self reflection and motivation on my part. And I don't have that motivation yet. But I am determined to get help and find that motivation to recover from this.

 

Farewell for now, I love you all.

 

PS: If any one that stumbles upon this post is also experiencing dark suicidal feelings... Please read this first... As it has helped me see the light many times when I've been at my lowest ebb. Never give up! There are people out there who care! Just reach out for help, and never give up hope! You can get better and be happy again!

[giuliano-3]

Well, speaking for myself I have no problems with anything you've said. I've probably p'd off a lot of people here also. Best of luck with everything, I hope you find the help you're looking for and need.

[lovesickmonkey]

I just feel so scared and alone right now.

 

 

I feel fear too. I have fear. I have no courage. The fear is of moving forward. We're afraid to move forward because we know they will not come with us. We stay behind, keeping them alive in our memories as someone who still loves us. I'm afraid to forget her. My mornings are dreadful too because it's another day of fear to go on without her. I'm still afraid but I know the only choice is to say goodbye, just like she did all those weeks ago.

[PelicanPete]

You're not stepping on anyones toes, you're just running because some people see through your attention grabbing charade, and are saying things that make actually make sense.

 

You seem to be overly cheery and possess a sense of optimism which people that are actually deeply depressed and close to suicide seem to lack. An actual depressed person never really spreads joy and love since they have none to give in the first place.

 

You're only wasting your breath if you don't practice what you preach.

[reimeivn]

Just keep thinking hey its gone, all that ever hurt you, or all that you ever hurt him, has gone. I tell myself that everyday and I feel safe, now that he cannot hurt me anymore. I am safe living my life.

 

Hug hug hug.

 

It belongs to the past anyways, what did you do today, for the present? for the friends you have or the plan you have for yourself in the future?