How can our ex's disconnect so easily?

[RuinedLife]

How can someone who claimed to love you with all their heart, someone with whom you shared so many happy joyful experiences, who you supported through rough times, just coldly cut you off and move on so easily?

 

I know some dumpers struggle to move on in the same way dumpees do, but most move on so rapidly and easily it seems as if they are immune to the debilitating effects of heartbreak depression that some of us suffer from.

 

I suppose they are just naturally more independent people by nature, have less empathy for others or "had been moving their boxes" (growing more distant from you over time without you realising).

 

May some just have a really bad memory and can't remember all the good times as vividly and so can forget and disconnect more readily.

 

My memories of my ex are so vivid so intense they completely overwhelm me still, even after nearly 5 months have gone by. Its like I'm reliving the relationship in my head constantly. Its keeping me stuck and I just want all these obsessive thoughts to end, but its been so long now, it just seems like they'll never go away and I'll have to learn to live with these thoughts dominating my every waking moment forever.

[Mack05]

Ruinedlife,

 

I was doing what you are doing now. I couldn't understand how my ex could fall out of love with me so easily. Yes, I made mistakes but did I deserve to be dumped on the phone and then be threatened with the police if I didn't stop contacting her!?Hell no, all I wanted was to say goodbye and maybe have her give me some answers. Turned out she was too much of a coward for that and she seemed determined to hurt me as much as she could, because I had hurt her previously. I spent sleepless night, after sleeples night wondering why did my affectionate, loving girl that I adored leave me the way she did. I kept going over everything, were my crimes that bad?Going over the good times, the bad times. I was suffering from depression when I was with her, so can you imagine what it was like then losing the source of my happiness (that was my thought process at the time). When she left me I latched on and latched on hard. The more I tried to keep her the more she ran away from me. I completely lost it in truth. I texted non stop, emailed her, called her and left emotional voicemails. I emailed her friends, all personal stuff about myself, trying to convince them I was a good guy going through a very hard time in his life. My god I used to cringe thinking about it!!. To say I made a total idiot of myself is the biggest understatement of the year. Indeed you would find it hard pressed to find someone on this site that more of an idiot then me after my ex left me.

 

After a month of no sleep and total obsessing where all I thought about was her, I knew I needed to make drastic changes to my life Going to therapy seeking professional help and admit I had problems was step 1. If you told me 12 months ago that I would have been in therapy, I would have laughed. I am not a bad looking guy, quite popular, amazing family, great job. Strong in mind and character and here I was 3 months ago about to start Therapy.

 

For the first few sessions my Therapist didn't say much. I just vented and vented about my ex, wondering how can anyone change the way she did and hurt me the way she did. In my spare time, I tried figuring out what was wrong with my ex because her behaviour wasn't natural. I felt I needed to find out what was wrong with her so it could help me get the closure that she would not give me (or so I thought). I was obsessing. Everyday was a battle not to break NC. Everynight tossing and turning, not eating. My job performance suffered. I was a Mess!

 

Then after about 3 sessions my Therapist said to me "not once have you spoken about yourself Mack". Not once in those early sessions, did I turn all 'this' inwards towards me. She explained we obsess about either people, because we don't want to have to deal with our emotions, our demons. So to avoid that we focus 100% on the other person which is so unhealthy. Feelings and emotions are like weeds. We ignore them and then they run wild. This can then lead to depression. The ONLY way to climb out of the hole you are in is to focus 100% ON YOU. I've been doing that for 3 months now. It's given me peace and serenity. I couldn't care less what is wrong with my ex or why she behaved the way she behaved, she is not my problem anymore. I wish her well but that's it.

 

I decided instead of wondering why, how and what if to instead forgive my ex. What she did at the end and the reasons for her doing it no longer matter (thats why you need to focus on). We will never get the answers we are looking for, so why dwell on it? There are some things in life that you are just never meant to be understood. The more you obsess the bigger and bigger the hole becomes to climb out of. Instead of obsessing, learn to forgive. As I have said forgiveness helps us move on. It free's us from the grip they have over us and gives the power back to us. Things you need to do to start focusing on yourself. Below are a few idea's...

 

1) Write a letter(s) that you never send your ex..

2) Forgive them

3) Write a diary and write down the first thing that pops into your head, don't edit it..

4) Gym, get out of bed early a do a workout. It sets you up brilliantly for the day..

5) Write down a list of short term and long term goals and tick them off as you achieve them..

6) Hang with friends as much as possible

7) Do things your ex hated

8) Pamper yourself. Treat yourself to something really nice

9) Clear all memories from your house and ways of contacting them. If I wanted to contact my ex I couldn't. I forget her number and email and she has blocked me from Facebook and MSN. This is a real soothing feeling..

10) Avoid places you went to that you both loved going to.

 

To climb out of this is a long slow process. The key here is to keep moving forward everday. it's ok to sometimes take a step back as long as in the main you are moving forward. If you find yourself obsessing about things, reel yourself back in. I find mediation is a great way of doing this, but of course everyone is different. This is a battle you can win ruinedlife but you have to want to win this. No one can pull you out of this hole you are in. You and you alone are the only one that can help you. You have 2 choices here. Obsess and not let go and dig a deeper and deeper hole for yourself or face your problems head on and focus on you and ONLY you. Start living your life again because guess what? We have only one shot at life. There are people all over the world going through things a millon times worse than a broken heart. Now is the time to look at yourself in the mirror and say enough is enough. You have nothing whatsoever to prove to your ex, this is a journey where you prove yourself to you....Believe in yourself Ruined because if you don't you won't have any kind of life..

Edited June 12, 2011 by Mack05

[Mack05]

adding here is my thread on why some ex's move on so fast. Hope it helps -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281186/

[betterdeal]

How can our ex's disconnect so easily?

 

Turn the question around: why can't you disconnect more easily?

[Kathyy28]

Ruinedlife,

 

I was doing what you are doing now. I couldn't understand how my ex could fall out of love with me so easily. Yes, I made mistakes but did I deserve to be dumped on the phone and then be threatened with the police if I didn't stop contacting her!?Hell no, all I wanted was to say goodbye and maybe have her give me some answers. Turned out she was too much of a coward for that and she seemed determined to hurt me as much as she could, because I had hurt her previously. I spent sleepless night, after sleeples night wondering why did my affectionate, loving girl that I adored leave me the way she did. I kept going over everything, were my crimes that bad?Going over the good times, the bad times. I was suffering from depression when I was with her, so can you imagine what it was like then losing the source of my happiness (that was my thought process at the time). When she left me I latched on and latched on hard. The more I tried to keep her the more she ran away from me. I completely lost it in truth. I texted non stop, emailed her, called her and left emotional voicemails. I emailed her friends, all personal stuff about myself, trying to convince them I was a good guy going through a very hard time in his life. My god I used to cringe thinking about it!!. To say I made a total idiot of myself is the biggest understatement of the year. Indeed you would find it hard pressed to find someone on this site that more of an idiot then me after my ex left me.

 

After a month of no sleep and total obsessing where all I thought about was her, I knew I needed to make drastic changes to my life Going to therapy seeking professional help and admit I had problems was step 1. If you told me 12 months ago that I would have been in therapy, I would have laughed. I am not a bad looking guy, quite popular, amazing family, great job. Strong in mind and character and here I was 3 months ago about to start Therapy.

 

For the first few sessions my Therapist didn't say much. I just vented and vented about my ex, wondering how can anyone change the way she did and hurt me the way she did. In my spare time, I tried figuring out what was wrong with my ex because her behaviour wasn't natural. I felt I needed to find out what was wrong with her so it could help me get the closure that she would not give me (or so I thought). I was obsessing. Everyday was a battle not to break NC. Everynight tossing and turning, not eating. My job performance suffered. I was a Mess!

 

Then after about 3 sessions my Therapist said to me "not once have you spoken about yourself Mack". Not once in those early sessions, did I turn all 'this' inwards towards me. She explained we obsess about either people, because we don't want to have to deal with our emotions, our demons. So to avoid that we focus 100% on the other person which is so unhealthy. Feelings and emotions are like weeds. We ignore them and then they run wild. This can then lead to depression. The ONLY way to climb out of the hole you are in is to focus 100% ON YOU. I've been doing that for 3 months now. It's given me peace and serenity. I couldn't care less what is wrong with my ex or why she behaved the way she behaved, she is not my problem anymore. I wish her well but that's it.

 

I decided instead of wondering why, how and what if to instead forgive my ex. What she did at the end and the reasons for her doing it no longer matter (thats why you need to focus on). We will never get the answers we are looking for, so why dwell on it? There are some things in life that you are just never meant to be understood. The more you obsess the bigger and bigger the hole becomes to climb out of. Instead of obsessing, learn to forgive. As I have said forgiveness helps us move on. It free's us from the grip they have over us and gives the power back to us. Things you need to do to start focusing on yourself. Below are a few idea's...

 

1) Write a letter(s) that you never send your ex..

2) Forgive them

3) Write a diary and write down the first thing that pops into your head, don't edit it..

4) Gym, get out of bed early a do a workout. It sets you up brilliantly for the day..

5) Write down a list of short term and long term goals and tick them off as you achieve them..

6) Hang with friends as much as possible

7) Do things your ex hated

8) Pamper yourself. Treat yourself to something really nice

9) Clear all memories from your house and ways of contacting them. If I wanted to contact my ex I couldn't. I forget her number and email and she has blocked me from Facebook and MSN. This is a real soothing feeling..

10) Avoid places you went to that you both loved going to.

 

To climb out of this is a long slow process. The key here is to keep moving forward everday. it's ok to sometimes take a step back as long as in the main you are moving forward. If you find yourself obsessing about things, reel yourself back in. I find mediation is a great way of doing this, but of course everyone is different. This is a battle you can win ruinedlife but you have to want to win this. No one can pull you out of this hole you are in. You and you alone are the only one that can help you. You have 2 choices here. Obsess and not let go and dig a deeper and deeper hole for yourself or face your problems head on and focus on you and ONLY you. Start living your life again because guess what? We have only one shot at life. There are people all over the world going through things a millon times worse than a broken heart. Now is the time to look at yourself in the mirror and say enough is enough. You have nothing whatsoever to prove to your ex, this is a journey where you prove yourself to you....Believe in yourself Ruined because if you don't you won't have any kind of life..

 

Mack reading this has seriously helped me out. My ex broke up with me last month and it's been the worse experience have had had to deal with. In my case it's hard to avoid some of the places we used to go just because he does live one street away and a lot of the places are local. The part that you said "Do things that your ex hated". My ex just started to reconnect with this internet girl that he's been on and off for a very long time as well and that's probably has been the biggest betrayal of all, especially since he was the one who took her out of his life by choice and told me that although if things weren't to ever work out between us that he would not go back to her. And just yesterday I came to find out that they are back on speaking terms cause he added her back on fb and they kept on writing on each others walls. I will write a letter and not send it out cause I am in so much pain and I have so much anger inside of me right now that I need to vent it out. I would like to thank you for the advice.

[Eeyore79]

How can someone who claimed to love you with all their heart, someone with whom you shared so many happy joyful experiences, who you supported through rough times, just coldly cut you off and move on so easily?

They probably didn't really love you. People often say things they don't mean because they feel it's expected of them, or because they feel they have to, or simply because they don't want to hurt you by not saying it. Just because someone claims to love you, that doesn't mean they love you, or that they love you as much as you love them.

 

I said it to my ex, but I didn't really love him - he said it to me and I felt obliged to reply with the same. He was a nice friend, we got along ok, but I was never in love with him. When I dumped him I never looked back. I cut contact because I didn't want him being clingy with me and making me feel bad about dumping him, and I didn't want to give him false hope that we might get back together. I also cut contact out of respect for our future partners who undoubtedly wouldn't like either of us hanging out with an ex. He was a nice guy, but it simply wasn't practical for us to remain friends.

[Mack05]

They probably didn't really love you. People often say things they don't mean because they feel it's expected of them, or because they feel they have to, or simply because they don't want to hurt you by not saying it. Just because someone claims to love you, that doesn't mean they love you, or that they love you as much as you love them.

 

I said it to my ex, but I didn't really love him - he said it to me and I felt obliged to reply with the same. He was a nice friend, we got along ok, but I was never in love with him. When I dumped him I never looked back. I cut contact because I didn't want him being clingy with me and making me feel bad about dumping him, and I didn't want to give him false hope that we might get back together. I also cut contact out of respect for our future partners who undoubtedly wouldn't like either of us hanging out with an ex. He was a nice guy, but it simply wasn't practical for us to remain friends.

 

I think Eeyore has made a great point here. Looking back I have no doubt me ex never loved me. She has her faults, but that doesn't mean my ex is a bad hearted person. She's not. Like everyone we all want to meet someone, have a special connection with them and fall in love. Real genuine Love and intimacy is not easy to find. Looking back, I was suffering from depression, I was insecure and had little self esteem/confidence, yet at times I was critical of her and her past decisions. How can someone love me, when I didn't love me?Not only that I dragged her down. That's the most important lesson I have taken from the past 3 months. If I don't love me, then how can I expect anybody else too? Just because we were rejected by someone, doesn't mean that we are unlovable. It just means it wasn't meant to be. The key thing after a break up is get your self esteem and self confidence back. Once you do that, then you start to attract the right kind of people..Great Post Eeyore. I was like my ex come on and posted it..

[Sassygirl2]

What you wrote is awesome. I will come back and re-read that post for many days to come. It will help so many - thank you.

[betterdeal]

It's called "no contact".

[Fedor]

I think that some people choose to cut all ties as a coping mechanism to protect themselves. They are probably hurting too but don't want to be seen as such!

Totally agree with this.

[marqueemoon4]

a lot of times its because they have someone else lined up already. or because they're just selfish, callous people.

[WTRanger]

Why are you focusing your energy on why your ex "insert blanket breakup statement here", when you could be using that energy on yourself?

 

Who gives a rat-ass at this point why your ex does anything? Will knowing the answer somehow make you feel better? No! In fact, it'll make you feel worse.

 

I have to agree with Betterdeal here, turn the question around. Why are you still obsessing over this? Why haven't you disconnected? Why do you refuse to move on? Your obessions is your own coping mechanism. You refuse to let go and because of that, you are driving yourself slowly insane.

 

Unlike the questions with your ex, you can actually answer the ones about you. You can solve them and start the healing process. Wondering why your ex now all of a sudden takes 2 sugars with his coffee instead of one is just an absolute waste of your mental energy.

[WTRanger]

Let me add this little tidbit in here as well. The only reason it "seems" as if the ex is disconnected or moving on so easily, is that because they have accepted it's over. They have started the healing process. They have grieved the break up, accepted it, and started to heal their life. Trust me, your ex has hurt through this process. It's never that easy. But he has accepted things at a far faster rate than you have, thus appears to have moved on so fast.

 

They aren't wallowing in their own self pity all day and night. They aren't trying to answer impossible and pointless questions about random past events or trying to guess the future by throwing chicken bones on the floor and trying to read them and find out if you two will get back together. They aren't hanging onto every world that may have been said in the course of the relationship, then taking those words under a microscope hoping to find some deeper hidden meaning in them.

 

They also haven't tied their entire life's worth and happiness to one person. Well, they have, but that person is them. It's not another person. They live for themselves, and don't need a certain person in their life to make it all of a sudden have worth. Their life had worth before, during, and after the relationship.

 

OP, you are a young woman with so much of her life in front of you. You have to start to accept that this is over between you two. If you keep trying to figure every little detail about this relationship out, you'll go from a beautiful girl to the crazy cat lady in no time. Please, start to heal and move on. Stop doing this to yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell the person looking back at you that you won't allow them to treat you so badly anymore. You won't bring up old memories, and if they do come up, you won't dwell in them. You'll let the memory come into your mind, process it, and let it pass out of your mind. No more clinging to memories.

Edited June 12, 2011 by WTRanger

[Badenov]

This is the best thread I've read so far. Mack, I've just recently discovered everything you're saying for myself, and I back it up 100%. Just some of my own thoughts . . .

 

learn to forgive. As I have said forgiveness helps us move on. It free's us from the grip they have over us and gives the power back to us...

 

I once heard: "Forgiveness is when you no longer feel the need to get even"

 

If you find yourself obsessing about things, reel yourself back in. I find mediation is a great way of doing this, but of course everyone is different.

 

My therapist says the same thing, but I don't know much about it. Any websites you can recommend?

 

You have nothing whatsoever to prove to your ex, this is a journey where you prove yourself to you....Believe in yourself Ruined because if you don't you won't have any kind of life..

 

I couldn't agree more. It's hard to do, but you have to become the person YOU want to be, then you won't care what HE thinks of you.

[foreverascone]

I feel for you. A person who loved me and cared for me so much all of a sudden stops caring and now dislikes me. Given that love onto a new person so quickly.

 

It's very odd and I don't understand it to be honest.

 

I feel like I'm getting over it now and it has been about 2 months. Best advice I can give is:

 

No contact at all. (Very hard but its better after a week)

 

Go exercise at a gym or some physical activity.

 

Take anti depressants or go see a doctor if your depression continues.

Cognitive therapy will help lots.

 

I read a book called the power of now and has really helped me think straight, give it a look.

 

I hope you get better

[Royal Guy]

a lot of times its because they have someone else lined up already.

 

That unfortuntely sounds like my story.

 

 

Mack05 and WTRanger you both are absolutely correct.

Edited June 12, 2011 by Royal Guy

[ItsRainingAgain]

Turn the question around: why can't you disconnect more easily?

 

 

I know for me it is because there was NO closure. (I need answers)

Like Mack said (and I should just know my bf and people that do this to other people that they "love" " they are "COWARDS"!!!!!

[Sugarkane]

I agree with Ruined. I know my ex already had someone lined up before we even brokeup. Its even worse when you get dumped in a completely callous way. When everything seemed fine and nothings wrong. Then they just dump you out of the blue. And its a complete mind****. Then you're left wondering WTF?

[Sugarkane]

I never cheated or treated my ex bad, yet he still dumped me in a really cruel way with no answers.

[NicoleM]

Two thumbs up for Mack. I totally,totally agree with what you said:bunny: That was my ex no question about that one. He was a total coward and he moved on very,very quickly and had no decency to break-up with me:mad: Total Coward!!

[RuinedLife]

Well I kind of initiated my break up because my insecurities caused me ask for reassurance in an unattractive kind of way. I really wish my ex had come to talk to me about things face to face though. I hate how coldly things have ended. Its very hard for me to accept, even after over 5 months have gone by.

[thelovingkind]

Well I kind of initiated my break up because my insecurities caused me ask for reassurance in an unattractive kind of way. I really wish my ex had come to talk to me about things face to face though. I hate how coldly things have ended. Its very hard for me to accept, even after over 5 months have gone by.

 

Been there too, don't worry. I wouldn't be surprised if this is how many, many break-ups started. My worst one was when I was lying in bed after a special evening with my first boyfriend and he seemed totally uninterested in sex. I said "I'm horny..." and he sighed and replied, "I'm not..." and after a minute I forced myself to ask: "Are you still attracted to me?" and then the break-up conversation began. It was the night of my 21st birthday, and I was supposed to be going out the next night to celebrate.

 

At the end of the day, though, wishing things went differently at this stage is like wanting to re-arrange deck chairs on the Titanic :/