Its My Life, Or Am I Being Selfish

[BLOKEY]

Im 40 yrs old, been with my wife since we were 17. 3 great kids, comfortable lifestyle, money not really a problem. Ive never been unfaithful . Have always been a believer in fidelity. Sex life OK but what do you expect after 23 yrs!, and we do generally care / love (what really is love) each other, buts its not that that Im worried about.

 

Problem I have is that Im totally bored with my life / wife. We have nothing in common except our curent life / kids. Its very comfortable but I ask myself that if I died tomorrow and had a moment to review my life, would I be happy. the answer is yes, Ive lived my life to the full, but most of this living, has been without my wife. Now I fear that if I reviewed my life at 60, all the kids would have grown up and left home, and our life would be boring and wasted. I dont really argue much with my wife, but what really made me think was when she took me away to Amsterdam recently for my 40th Birthday. It was alright, but boring. We wanted to do different things all the time.we just have totally separate interests . i like fast cars, motorbikes, loud music, getting drunk, playing the guitar, having a laugh, doing anything but not watching the television evening after evening. and I really work hard so that I can achieve, and afford to do these things. My wife likes the opposite. She has no hobbies and is content to sit in front of the television watching endless rubbish night after night.

 

We' sort of discussed it but nothing changes. In fact we do communicate really well about most things, but I suppose we're both abit selfish and want to do what we want to do. We've tried compromise but the one of us ends up getting bored and we're back to square one.

 

What I really want is to spend the rest of my life with someone with similar values / interests as me. One of my problems is that Ive met someone who is like that. We've known each other for ages and there has always been something there between us. She is a single parent. We have talked and we both have very strong feelings for each other, fellings that I have never ever felt before. The relationship has not progressed any further from that, Yet. We live along way away from each other. Now I totally believe that this person might not be the one for me, but I really want to find out. I dont want to cheat on my wife so am considering separation. I accept that any new relationship might not work and understand that the grass is not always greener, but I just really want to find out for myself. I must stress this not about sex or arguments or anything like that. Its about me wanting the most out of my life and sharing the things that I like with someone else.

 

Now am I being stupid. Am I being selfish, probably. I bet the loads of people who would love my life. I could continue with the situation as it is, as i suspect thousands of other people do. but why should I. i feel really guilty about the effect of leaving would have on my family but who is most important, them or me? If i moved out I might be making a massive mistake, I would hurt the people closest to me, Im willing to face the consequencesbut in the end its my life, . I have to live it and in the end it will die. At that point I want to know that I lived it to the full.

 

its hard to describe the full problem in writing without writing a book but I hope you get the general picture. These thoughts are my own and my wife might have a diffrent side to the situation, ( wish she'd tell me!)

 

Advice, comments gratefully taken on board.

[zarathustra]

I sense you're in the dreaded Mid-Life Crisis (MLC). You're in your 40s, and have been with the same woman for more than 20 years. Your chafing at the marital bit ; you're ready to move on. It happens.

 

Marital fatigue is a problem. It's not deadly; it's not glamorous. But you wake up every morning and ask yourself: Do I really, really care anymore about this person who lives with me and who ostensibly shares my life? Often, the answer is a resounding "no." These marriages, when they end, end with a whimper--not the Hollywood bang.

 

What's a bored, alienated and estranged spouse to do? If your kids are well into their teenage years, just leave. Get out of Dodge. Look for that rainbow on the other side. Will you find it? Probably not. But at least you'll no longer be going through the motions of pretending to be a loving spouse.

 

Get ready to live again.

[moimeme]

You can try rekindling your own relationship through counselling or you can exit. What I see here is someone wanting to hedge his bets - get separated, try out the new chick, if it doesn't work out you have the wife in reserve. Not really a decent or fair way to go about things. Get off the fence.

[reggio]

It's apparent that you are going through a mid life crisis. It's just another cycle in your life that you need to deal with.

 

Looking for excuses at your current lifestyle, is not the answer.

 

We all re evaluate our lives from time to time and we can't help but look at ourselves and compare our lives to others. The big question is always "What if?"

 

It sounds like you have maintained a good relationship all these years and it would be a shame to end it because of your mixed emotions.

 

If you and your wife have an open line of communication, you should discuss this with her.

 

You don't necessarily have to have common interests at this stage of your marriage. You have already made it this far, don't give up now.

 

The one thing that we all have in common, is our selfishness. We should not forget to love the ones that love us. With common interest in love you will be able to overcome your mixed emotions.

 

My advice is, love your wife, love your children, love yourself and nothing else.

 

Believe in love, it's the strength we need.

 

Peace

 

P.S. Do yourself a favor, tell your wife that you love her and that nothing else matters.