revealing dating & sexual history

[yes]

So it seems the consensus is: don't tell your partner about your past, there's no need to. While I agree that all that matters is that both people are STDs-free, the question of the past is bound to come up. And I wonder if answering "Oh, let's not talk about our pasts, all that matters is the present" is going to make the other person feel like something's being hidden.

 

Given that I'm a gal, if a guy told me not to worry abt his past, I'd be perfectly cool and happy with it - although I'd wanna know if he has been married before. But I suspect that for a guy, the above answer would seem unsatisfactory. I suspect that even if he's smart enough not to ask for details, he'd wanna know how many partners the girl has had, if she was committed to them, if there was protection, etc - just some kind of territorial instinct.

 

What dya think?

-yes

[Vivid_29]

I don't talk about past sexual experiences, unless I am asked about it and even then, I only reveal a little bit.

 

There hasn't been a woman that I've dated that didn't ask me about my past. Why do you all pry so much?

 

Regarding how many sexual partners a woman has had -- it doesn't matter if it's 500 or none; I really don't care.

 

~V

[moimeme]

Why hide anything about your past? To me, people who want to hide stuff do so because they're ashamed of it. In theory, you love and accept each other and therefore will not find anything the other has done to be horrific.

 

I understand that some people are insecure and can't deal with one's having had others prior, however absent that situation, it seems to me that talking about one's life and being accepted despite one's past mistakes only can enhance a couple's relationship.

[Arabess]

To me....this is like a cop asking how many beers I've had. I have well rehearsed answers.

[SoleMate]

Or, "Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?"

 

"No, officer, as a matter of fact I DON'T! But you look awfully cute in that nice snug uniform."

 

-----BACK TO TOPIC----->

I think some general questions are fair game, for either asking or answering. Like, "How many in the past five years, did you use protection, are there any men/women out there who think they have a special claim on you?" I do ask a lot of questions in general - I like to know people's histories, not just sexual/romantic. I don't mind talking about my past - there is really nothing I am ashamed of, although I do consider it all very private and only to be revealed to a few people on a selective basis.

[shamen]

Sexual history is completely unimportant, except for the STD question of course.

 

This is personal! Does your partner really need to know this answer, or do you? What if you or s/he receives an answer that they don't like? This can ruin a relationship.

[moimeme]

What if you or s/he receives an answer that they don't like? This can ruin a relationship.

 

Just as well, isn't it? If a person isn't sufficiently accepting of you to accept your past, is that person a good deal?

[shamen]

I don't feel that there is a need to be completely open about everything you've ever done. I didn't ask my ex about this and I didn't tell. We talked about a lot of much more important things in our time together (3 1/2 years).

 

Why is this an important issue? I don't think that it is.

[pav186]

I guess its different for everyone but I don't do well when I find info about a girls past out. If she asks about mine and really wants to know ill tell her, after all its not THAT extensive. But as for asking about a girls, im better of not knowing...

[CurlyIam]

But we are the sum of our expereinces, in bed or elsewhere. Soit's not the "wanting to know" stupid feminin curiosity, it's simply happens to be very important.

 

It tells a lot about how you see sex, ("get'em, use'em and through 'em away after you're done" being to me the worst case scenario), how many persons did you let close to you. Sex can create an incredible bond, it's normal to want to know. To me it's a question of intimacy, not about being nosy.

[echocrush]

"I've been with more people than I wish I had, I've made love to people who only screwed me,

It's taken years to put my past behind me, And I don't want to go digging up the corpses now

I've been around the block more than once, and I'm not proud ouf it...

I won't lie about my past, that's an open book... You can read it if you want,

But I'm sure as hell not going to sit here and read it to you.

I need someone with a lot of time to get to know me,

A lot of patience to put up with me, and

enough maturity to understand why I did it,

not just focus on what I did, or just focus on who I did it with"

 

That's usually pretty much what I tell someone when the subject comes up, and I'll answer questions, have I ever cheated, have I been tested, ever had a disease... I really don't feel right lying to someone, but I can't go digging in my past too much either or the guilt and pain comes up and I am looking over my shoulder again.

 

So I don't really keep it from them, I just tell them I can't talk about it. I do have a habit of telling them the worst stuff first... just so I can see if they are going to be able to handle the rest. The longer we are together the more comfortable I am and the more I can talk to them, not just about sex, but about everything... I have a lot of things in my past, and Guys don't always react well when they hear the words molested, mental institutions, multiple suicide attempts, and town slut from their new love... you know??? I am so much more than my past... and I want them to see me not what I've done.

[moimeme]

Guys don't always react well when they hear the words molested, mental institutions, multiple suicide attempts, and town slut from their new love... you know???

 

You have a great sense of humour

 

I want them to see me not what I've done

 

Makes sense. I may choke the next person who says 'leopards don't change their spots' to me. Some people have to go through a lot of junk to sort themselves out. Actually, I have greater admiration for people who endure and grow despite their problems than I do for those (like myself) who have had it fairly easy. Sure, I've had problems and hassles and they've done a number on me, but situations like yours are real trouble - but you're still standing! Kudos to you on that

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by moimeme

Guys don't always react well when they hear the words molested, mental institutions, multiple suicide attempts, and town slut from their new love... you know???

 

You have a great sense of humour

 

I want them to see me not what I've done

 

Makes sense. I may choke the next person who says 'leopards don't change their spots' to me. Some people have to go through a lot of junk to sort themselves out. Actually, I have greater admiration for people who endure and grow despite their problems than I do for those (like myself) who have had it fairly easy. Sure, I've had problems and hassles and they've done a number on me, but situations like yours are real trouble - but you're still standing! Kudos to you on that

 

You're talking about people labelling your past experience. You'd have to share that first.

 

So it is important, so you are telling.

 

If they don't see the true you, their problem, you're better off alone. You do need to know that they do not desirve you, and one way to that is getting to know that person by sharing. Which brings us to the original problem.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by Arabess

To me....this is like a cop asking how many beers I've had. I have well rehearsed answers.

 

I wish I had been that wise at the start of my relationship. I told too much, thinking I was sharing and being honest. My bf had a lot of trouble with it. Thankfully, he's cool with it now.

 

And as for me, well hey, I've probably asked more questions about my guy's past than anyone else on the planet! It's my obsessive speciality...and, well, I hate it.

 

Tell what you need to tell, or feel you'd like to share. Check first to see whether your SO is going to be comfortable knowing though. And don't ask too much if you can help it.

[pinkroses]

It's only human nature to be curious about who someone you are involved with, cared about in the past, or who cared for them. I think past marriages and children, of course, should be discussed with new partners. Other significant relationships will naturally pop up in conversation and I think you should be honest with someone about who they were, maybe how long you dated, etc. But that doesn't mean you should go into detail either about your sexual history, unless there is something that the new person needs to know for the sake of your new relationship. One of my exes never stopped telling me sexual stuff about past partners and it ruined my confidence and turned me off to him, to where I didn't want to be sexual with him anymore. I think you need to categorize things on a need to know, might be beneficial to know, and don't need to know basis.