Why is it so hard to walk away?

[SoCal_Guy]

Some of you may have seen my story on the Second Chances and Breaking Up forums. Here is a link to the most recent one (it's long):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275744/

 

I woke up today feeling really bummed out, which I know will happen throughout this healing process. It was probably most related to the fact that we spoke in person the other day (the last post on the above thread details this).

 

For those who don't feel like reading through my story, I'll give you the abridged version in three sentences.

 

My ex, who is 10 years younger, recently gave up on a second chance because she was not over her last relationship (which caused our first breakup) and what that guy did to her (repeated emotional cheating until caught. We have wonderful chemistry and not any huge relationship issues outside of her being not 100 percent ok with the age difference. Our second chance lasted about a month and ended gradually in mid-April and I have been pretty heartbroken since.

 

My question is …*why is it so hard to walk away? My feelings for her haven't changed throughout the two months since our last breakup. Some of you who read into the details of what has happened in the last few weeks may wonder what on earth is wrong with me. I am trying to move on with my life and get used to her not being in it, but I miss her - not just companionship - very much and I still find myself caring about her despite the way she has treated me. I am in therapy and know what needs to be done. I'm just struggling actually following through, because I can't figure out how to give up on that sliver of hope I hold out for us.

[Duckduckgoose]

As long as you hold out hope for this chick, no amount of therapy is going to work. Hope is both the best and worst thing in this life.

 

Hope is what keeps cancer patients and other terminal people trying the new treatments and not just rolling over and dying. Which is a good thing.

 

It also keeps people in horrible situations MUCH longer than they should be, thinking they will become better... which is a bad thing.

 

The facts are in front of you. She left. She told you why. She's not over her ex, and she's uncomfortable with your age difference. You have your reasons right in front of you. That's a lot more than some people get.

 

There are women out there that won't dick you around, but you won't find them while you're busy carrying a torch for her, not using your therapy time to work on yourself like you should be, and pining.

 

You are gonna have to get you to the best you that you can be (did I use "you" enough? ).

 

And also, apparently you are going to have to become selfish for someone to be attracted to you. Sounds bad, so I will elaborate a bit. It seems that when a man is obviously looking for a woman to call his own, women are repulsed by him... he comes off as needy and clingy. But when a man has his own interests he gets pretty mysterious to women and they are like "Hmm he's mysterious gotta find out what's going on there"... so you gotta be selfish enough to seem mysterious but not self-absorbed. Its a fine line but its better than clingy and needy.

 

All that mess was for when you're ready to date again... right now therapy and working on yourself seems the best thing... hard as it may be. One day at a time.

[giuliano-3]

Duckduck is on fire!!!

 

Be selfish to a point, great advice. Right now maybe my ex is thinking something about me, maybe not. Either way I really don't care. Maybe she's beating herself up, maybe she's saying "phew, I really dodged a bullet." Really could go either way, and I really don't care.

 

So, why is it so hard to walk away? Because if it was easy everyone would do it. My friends who are in 4 year long relationships with people they really don't like. They're miserable, yet they don't walk away. Why? Because its hard. You have to reinvent yourself. You have to let go of the hurt/pain/agony of the breakup (and subsequent makeup/breakup in your case). Some people are content to be with someone they know is wrong for them simply because its easier than walking away.

 

As for the sliver of hope...well I know something about that. Who's to say you have to 100% give up all hope of ever seeing them again or being with them again? You don't. You just have to not care about that happening or not happening. She isn't your salvation and you are not hers!!! Possibilities are endless in this life, just ask yourself where you want to be in a year. Still thinking about the ex, holding onto hope that maybe if things were different you could be with her forever and ever and ever? Or getting on with it, doing for you, making yourself more interesting/charming/independent?

 

Get lost in something. It could be trivial (as in my case with reading A Song Of Fire And Ice - all 5,000 pages of it) or it could be something significant like helping others in need. Feeding the homeless, volunteering at a seniors center, going to a 3rd world country and building houses. The possibilities are endless...this life is about more than you and your ex.

[reimeivn]

Its hard because you are just a human and she did not abuse you.

 

Its hard because everybody else looks like they do fine when it happens to them. Really, they either do something else at the moment you see them, or they hide it. And so people expect you to be tough and hide it.

 

But you dont have to. Just feel the emotions. Believe that they belongs to the past, not your life anymore. And just try to do things to catch up with your life. Take it easy. It takes a lot of time, but it will go away.

[Sugarkane]

You should take Duckduckgoose's advice. Speaking as a woman, women do really find a bit of mystery very attractive.

Just my 2 cents.