Adi Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 So im feeling loads better now, a year on at first i was in such a black hole but now i am getting fitter making friends and life is funny again. But this is what i think is strange this weekend i spent it with a girl way out of my league but i made her laugh, and she starts saying how dif i am i allways get that of women, so we have sex and drink watch films play cards laugh but i still just know i will never love her or feel has strong for her has my ex. At the moment 8 girls have told me they feel a strong connection too me and about 15 have alltoghether have asked me if i want too be with them in 12 months, some were idiots but i have counted 7 that are pretty and clever so not sure why i know i can not be with them? Plus im feeling like my old self lots now i keep thinking me and my ex could start all over is this normal to feel like you are over someone enough too think you would like to start over, my ex was a good girl tho Link to post Share on other sites
Reoreyh Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 How long has it been since you broke up? What has your contact with her been like? Is she available? It could be time, if you think enough time has lasses, to take the risk and go on a coffee date or something. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 It's normal for you, and lots of other people say they feel similar things. What's stopping you from starting afresh with one of these other women? What's different in the way you feel about, say, the girl you first described compared to how you felt when you started bonding with your ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adi Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 12 months we broke up, but its been about 4 months totall nc, not sure anything about her now she may be in love with someone else, i kinda like the idea that maybe on day we could feel them sparks again, but now if she tells me she loves someone else the dream is over. The thing is on lots of ocasions we felt like we was one person the connection was amazing for 3 years i just feel ok with new people, we ended cause of a mix of me not showing any love and affection and her getting probs with depression sad times. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 What do you feel right now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adi Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 Just ok like i did before i met her any girl i meet now just feels like my other exs, im just not feeling like im on clound 9 like i once did or am i exspecting too much Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny85 Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 The thing is, Adi, if you were completely over your ex, you wouldn't be romanticizing the notion of getting back together with her. You would embrace the present for what it is and accept it. If you are still in the phase of referring to the two of you being together as a "dream," how will you feel if she were to reject your proposal of getting back together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adi Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 Ya thats what i dont understand, i could never contact her and i dont think she would ever contact me but i do love her maybe i have just got used to life without her making the best i can. anyone her ever really felt real real love? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 I was wrapped up in a particular girl for years and years. Then one day I accepted it was not meant to be, and felt genuinely, deep-down sadness. No chest-beating or tears or hysterics, just a really deep feeling of sadness. I was talking to another guy about life and love - not her in specific - and he doesn't know her, and he asked how I was feeling at that moment, and that's when I felt it. Took me about 6 years to get over her. My advice? Find a buddy, or a therapist, who doesn't know you, her or your friends, and let it go with him as your witness. It feels really good. Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny85 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 I was wrapped up in a particular girl for years and years. Then one day I accepted it was not meant to be, and felt genuinely, deep-down sadness. No chest-beating or tears or hysterics, just a really deep feeling of sadness. I was talking to another guy about life and love - not her in specific - and he doesn't know her, and he asked how I was feeling at that moment, and that's when I felt it. Took me about 6 years to get over her. My advice? Find a buddy, or a therapist, who doesn't know you, her or your friends, and let it go with him as your witness. It feels really good. Were there other women within this 6 year period? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Yep, but my heart was never in it. Everyone during that time was compared to her or, rather, the idealised imaginary her in my head, and no-one can compete with a make-believe person. Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny85 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Yep, but my heart was never in it. Everyone during that time was compared to her or, rather, the idealised imaginary her in my head, and no-one can compete with a make-believe person. May I ask you, what are some of the steps that your counselor recommended for moving on? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Well, I've done a lot of reading and talking to different people over the past 18 months about various things, but not this in particular. I still find it hard to talk about it face to face with someone. It was a complicated and long story, but the letting go started just over a year ago. I've changed my mindset, my worldview, my beliefs and attitudes and that's been necessary to get to the stage where I could feel the sadness for the loss, to accept the loss. Everyone is different; we all have different ways of expressing our grief. This guy, this time, hasn't told me much at all. He's listened to me, been compassionate (felt the feelings I was feeling with me) and just given me some feedback on his impression of me. Therapy is a relationship between you and the therapist. You can assume certain things, because it's a therapeutic relationship, such as it will be confidential, and in a safe place, and they are likely to be sensitive and considerate to your feelings. I have found all three therapists I have used to be very non-judgmental and supportive in a kind way. For instance, describing being friends with someone I've had a bit of a thing for, but not made a pass at, because I felt she did not feel the same and wanted a shoulder to cry on, not a shag, the first one just said, "because you're respectful" when I faltered as to why I did that. It's nice to have someone on your side. It takes me time to feel comfortable with someone at that level of intimacy, and, I think, it does the therapist too. You're sharing something deeply personal, your inner self. Despite all my loud-mouthing in the past about some of my issues, it has just been words. Finding someone to share feelings with has been very helpful. I don't know. I don't tend to ask direct questions, such as "how do I get over this?" or, I think, my main issue is, "how do I express my feelings better?" Maybe I will, at some point. Thanks for the idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adi Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 I think the big problem with using thearpy is maybe you dont get stronger, 12 months ago i never had any friends my ex who i loved was out all the time having sex with people and i was having problems paying my morgage. My road too recovery or 80/90% recovery was i kept thinking if i can just get though this i can do anything the journey itself got my life moving, For me i think if i had got counciling i would think i needed for every bad time in my life. I really would not change that much about last year i have lots of positives now i dont worry about money or dents in my car, im happy to be on my own until i meet someone amazing, i just know im really really strong now Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adi Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 This is a form of counciling, but im just saying sometimes you need to face things head on Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 (edited) Indeed. And sometimes it helps to sound out to someone before facing these things head on. This forum is a way of sounding out. I have done a lot of these (what I consider) sensitive conversations in writing, and am learning to do them in person. That's something I want to be able to do, and a counsellor is a good way to get used to talking about what are, to me, very difficult things to talk about. It's also a good way to talk about unfinished business with someone who cares, but won't be deeply affected by it. Someone who isn't part of your social life. I did discuss these things with friends and family, but that often led to more complications. It's a bit like confession or confiding in a vicar, right now. In my teens and twenties I was explosive, emotive and would quick to anger. It was hell. I was the life and soul, I'd organise the drugs, the parties, be everyone's friend, protector, confidant, buddy. I was a raw being, with emotions close to the surface. Things happened, I fell. So I tried bottling things up, swallowing pride, letting things roll and all that jazz. I had swung from one extreme to another. I was emulating other people's behaviour, trying to be like them. But I am not them, I am me. I just lacked ways to assert my self with regard to the things that occur between fantastic and f*ck off. I didn't know when to back down, when to say, this clown is never going to back down, I will. I took what I said too literally and what I said was generally very simplistic or poorly worded. I became sarcastic and negative. I appeared aloof, distant, snobbish. I was afraid. So, therapy is a good tool for me right now. It's an hour of sanity and sanctity a week. And yoga is similar. It's a hour or two lost in a safe and sane place as well as great exercise. My limit for therapy this time is 3 months. This is what I had planned for this summer: lots of me work, and therapy is part of that. You're right that it's not a golden bullet, but it can be a match that lights a fire for you. Depends entirely on how you use it and who you choose to work with. Edited June 15, 2011 by betterdeal Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adi Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 Ya i get that, i think it prob would have been good for me early on instead of drinking and drugs, the one prob i get now is im too hard this is why im single dont need anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 What have you got to lose by giving it a go? I know the drink and drugs route led to a serious suicide attempt and three weeks in a mental health ward for me, so I tried some other routes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adi Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 I have this feeling that i should respect the bad times in my life, to enjoy the good when you break up with someone or someone dies you need to feel down and sad its just the way it is, i think counsiling works and is good for some people but i need to drink lots smoke feel down take drugs and party, then i get to where i am now, im controled work hard and back on my feet. But im wiser the downside to counsling is over analizing eveything that has happend once you pick at the thread it can go on forever Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 You think things will unravel? Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny85 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 You think things will unravel? Thanks, Betterdeal, for your post. I sincerely appreciate your input! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 (edited) You're welcome! I felt my thread would unravel at some point and was scared of that happening. Well, it did, and it was ups and downs and a lot of effort, but it's been worth it. Now that thread, my history, is less wrapped around me and more leading a trail behind me. It shows where I have been, not where I am going, and it doesn't restrict me like it used to. A good therapist will be interested in you now, and want to hear about your past only if it is pertinent to who you are now. If you start ruminating or regurgitating stale ideas, they will lose interest, just as you do. The guy I'm working with said at one point in our last session that he felt disconnected until he asked me how I felt at that time, and I told him, "sad", at which point, he felt reconnected and the sadness that was there. If you have a moderate amount of emotional intelligence, you'll feel that connection and disconnection too. I contrast that with my best friend. He was on the other side of the world, but I didn't even get a text message from him when I was in hospital after my suicide attempt. I needed a buddy, not someone to mother me, but someone I could say "this is tough" to and for them just to be there, to feel for me. So I am redefining that friendship. No emotional investment from him? Okay, I'll reign mine in too. He'll be an acquaintance, a fair-weather friend. Someone I have no bad feelings about but no particularly good ones either. It will all be dealt with at face value, and that's probably a good thing. Edited June 16, 2011 by betterdeal Link to post Share on other sites
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