Is my husband risking his job to be with the other woman?

[Zeze]

Someone answered in another question I asked that if my husband is making plans to hire and see his former mistress at work every day, she's not just sex. It made me think.

 

They've been on and off for almost 3 years, after months separated, I read work emails in which he's trying to hire her as his asst. She's not looking for a job and says no.

 

Is the other person who answered right? If he did NOT have feelings for her, he would cringe at the thought of seeing her every day? Or is it an exaggeration?

 

He doesn't know that I know yet. Please only answer what I asked. Thanks.

 

(- I've read emails that started their affair dating back to 2008, we HAD only been married for 3 yrs (6 yrs NOW). I'd had our second child 1 month before he started the affair with her. )

 

IN OTHER WORDS: does a man who has a mistress for only sex hire her to work with him?

 

And work FOR him?! Am I right to think he is jeopardizing his job, and our livelihood ( since his income is higher) by hiring her?!! Isn't this risky?

[Radagast]

IN OTHER WORDS: does a man who has a mistress for only sex hire her to work with him?

 

And work FOR him?! Am I right to think he is jeopardizing his job, and our livelihood ( since his income is higher) by hiring her?!! Isn't this risky?

 

It is possible that he is wanting her to work with / for him simply to facilitate easy access to her for sexual purposes, but it would seem unlikely that anyone would go to all of that trouble simply for sex (unless he had a sexual addiction or some overpowering drive that made the risk worthwhile).

 

I would guess that the risk would lie not so much in his employing her (provided she had the necessary skills, qualifications and attributes for the position) but in how he, and they, conducted themselves after that. If he was employing her to facilitated easy access for sexual purposes, such that they nipped off for sexual encounters during the work day, then that would indeed be risky.

[TigerCub]

Here's a question for you:

why is he still your husband?

 

and no, honestly, I don't think that he would want her around if it truly was over between them.

Why would he want her around - she would just be a reminder of how he hurt you, the mistakes he made, the shame he should feel.

 

So...I'm guessing he doesn't feel any of those things and he just wants her around because its not over and it would be perfect to just see her every day, do the little chats, and whatever else after hours.

 

I'm really sorry, I don't mean to be hurtful, but I think you know the answer to your question. If he was at all sorry for putting you through all this crap, he would never in his life make an effort to bring her more into his life.

He would have cut her off, rather than give her a job working under him...

(no pun intended)

[Zeze]

Thank you both. I haven't had a lot of luck with my questions on this forum and I don't know why bc there seem to be a lot of insightful people around! Maybe they're worried about hurting my feelings? Thank you both for your honesty, I think I really need a kick in the butt. I know it shouldn't matter whether he's in love or not, but the fact is that it does.

 

I guess I don't feel qualified to look at this situation clearly not only bc I'm IN it, but because I've never been in a sex only relationship and my husband and I were high school sweethearts. Do men who only want sex act the way he's acting toward her? He doesn't know that I know YET. I think I mentioned that they seem to be broken up for now and I'm trying to decide if this is worth saving.

 

Any thoughts about his behavior/intentions regarding her would be great. I need to know what I'm dealing with here. Thank you so much for taking the time.

[TigerCub]

Thank you both. I haven't had a lot of luck with my questions on this forum and I don't know why bc there seem to be a lot of insightful people around! Maybe they're worried about hurting my feelings? Thank you both for your honesty, I think I really need a kick in the butt. I know it shouldn't matter whether he's in love or not, but the fact is that it does.

 

I guess I don't feel qualified to look at this situation clearly not only bc I'm IN it, but because I've never been in a sex only relationship and my husband and I were high school sweethearts. Do men who only want sex act the way he's acting toward her? He doesn't know that I know YET. I think I mentioned that they seem to be broken up for now and I'm trying to decide if this is worth saving.

 

Any thoughts about his behavior/intentions regarding her would be great. I need to know what I'm dealing with here. Thank you so much for taking the time.

 

Honestly, I can' really speak for him...but...

you seem pretty accepting that he has a gf, so he really wouldn't need to bring have her at work (as the only means of seeing her).

If it was just sex, then I doubt that he would bring her in just for that.

My guess is that he actually has feelings for her - enough to want her around on a daily basis.

 

I'm only saying this because of the part in bold. I know that you're not happy with the infidelity (obviously) but you said it yourself that they have been on and off for 3 years and you're still married to him - whether you mean it to or not- it implies that you're accepting of the situation.

 

You speak of her like she really is a gf, she's an addition to your marriage that you're living with. That just says to me that he's not afraid of being with her - which would mean that he can be with her after work, he can be with her whenever he wants - so he wouldn't need to bring her to the work place if it was just for sex (especially since something so risky at the work place could ruin him - and I"m sure he's aware of that) - so I'm guessing he wants her there because he has feelings for her.

 

I'm not saying this to be hurtful and I am really sorry that you're going through all this.

 

But that's my opinion from what I understand of this story.

[Mimolicious]

Someone answered in another question I asked that if my husband is making plans to hire and see his former mistress at work every day, she's not just sex. It made me think.

 

They've been on and off for almost 3 years, after months separated, I read work emails in which he's trying to hire her as his asst. She's not looking for a job and says no.

 

Is the other person who answered right? If he did NOT have feelings for her, he would cringe at the thought of seeing her every day? Or is it an exaggeration?

 

He doesn't know that I know yet. Please only answer what I asked. Thanks.

 

(- I've read emails that started their affair dating back to 2008, we HAD only been married for 3 yrs (6 yrs NOW). I'd had our second child 1 month before he started the affair with her. )

 

IN OTHER WORDS: does a man who has a mistress for only sex hire her to work with him?

 

And work FOR him?! Am I right to think he is jeopardizing his job, and our livelihood ( since his income is higher) by hiring her?!! Isn't this risky?

 

 

Question is: Why are you still M to this charming gentleman?

[carhill]

does a man who has a mistress for only sex hire her to work with him? And work FOR him?!

 

Sure, if he can justify it presuming he needs to. If he's the boss he can pretty much do whatever he wants.

 

Am I right to think he is jeopardizing his job, and our livelihood ( since his income is higher) by hiring her?!! Isn't this risky?

 

People in lust do all kinds of risky things. Even more so when it's long-term, like this appears to be.

 

Since it sounds like you all lead a pretty comfortable life, presuming you want to blow this up, I'd spend some money and get professional help to gather evidence and blow him up. Present him with clear evidence, especially that of fraternization away from work, and divorce documents at the same time. I know you didn't ask for that kind of advice, but you will. With men in positions of power, who are used to getting what they want, shock and awe is IMO the best method.

[Afishwithabike]

Someone answered in another question I asked that if my husband is making plans to hire and see his former mistress at work every day, she's not just sex. It made me think.

 

They've been on and off for almost 3 years, after months separated, I read work emails in which he's trying to hire her as his asst. She's not looking for a job and says no.

 

Is the other person who answered right? If he did NOT have feelings for her, he would cringe at the thought of seeing her every day? Or is it an exaggeration?

 

He doesn't know that I know yet. Please only answer what I asked. Thanks.

 

(- I've read emails that started their affair dating back to 2008, we HAD only been married for 3 yrs (6 yrs NOW). I'd had our second child 1 month before he started the affair with her. )

 

IN OTHER WORDS: does a man who has a mistress for only sex hire her to work with him?

 

And work FOR him?! Am I right to think he is jeopardizing his job, and our livelihood ( since his income is higher) by hiring her?!! Isn't this risky?

 

I don't understand why you are married to a man who cheats on you multiple times over the course of three years. I have to say it even though I'm sure you don't want to hear it. You seem shockingly agreeable to the situation. I don't understand why you've kept this a secret for so long!

 

The fact he wants her, the Other Woman, nearby indicates to me that their relationship is far more than sex. If it's just sex he wanted he could have a number of one-night stands with random women or he would just see her occasionally for sex. But that's not what he's proposing to do. He seems fixated on this one woman. He gets more than sex with her. There's probably some emotional intimacy, feelings, connection and who knows ..maybe even love. If they work at the same place, they can have lunch together. They can chit chat at work. They can have lunch time sex. They can go on business trips together. They can do a lot of things together if they work together. These are not things you do with someone you just want sex with.

 

You can't think he wants her just for sex. He's making it clear she means more to him than just that.

 

Not only is he jeopardizing his job by hiring her, but he's been risking your health all these years. Do you know if they used condoms every single time they had sex? He could have passed some sexually transmitted disease to you and still could. He's risking your life by sleeping with someone else. You have no idea if she's got STDs. He could also get her pregnant. OW get pregnant from their affair partners all the time. What will you do then?

Edited June 13, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[Afishwithabike]

Thank you both. I haven't had a lot of luck with my questions on this forum and I don't know why bc there seem to be a lot of insightful people around! Maybe they're worried about hurting my feelings? Thank you both for your honesty, I think I really need a kick in the butt. I know it shouldn't matter whether he's in love or not, but the fact is that it does.

 

I guess I don't feel qualified to look at this situation clearly not only bc I'm IN it, but because I've never been in a sex only relationship and my husband and I were high school sweethearts. Do men who only want sex act the way he's acting toward her? He doesn't know that I know YET. I think I mentioned that they seem to be broken up for now and I'm trying to decide if this is worth saving.

 

Any thoughts about his behavior/intentions regarding her would be great. I need to know what I'm dealing with here. Thank you so much for taking the time.

 

You don't know that this is a sex only relationship.

 

I think it's easier for you to deal with the affair by thinking it's just sex.

 

The marriage can be saved only if BOTH partners want to save it. Your intentions alone won't do it. So far there's no indication he wants to give up this woman. He would have to come clean, admit the affair, avoid all contact with this woman, go to marital counseling for you to even have a shot at saving this marriage. What he's doing is having is cake and eating it too. He has you and the family and he has the Other Woman. You need to expose the affair to others - family and friends. You also should gather the evidence you have of the affair in a safe place away from your home. Consult an attorney and decide what you want to do next.