Dating men with kids is so different!

[dangerstranger]

I don't normally date men with children, but I decided ruling them out was limiting. I am multi-dating right now, just going out socially, playing the field.

 

It's so different, I don't know what to make of it.

 

I am talking to 3 guys right now, all with children. Trying to set up dates around kids games/recitals/coaching is proving to be difficult. One is a full time dad and we have slotted something in for next Sunday in between him watching his son's baseball game in the morning and coaching his other son's game in the afternoon.

 

I'm just not used to dating this way. A part of me feels like accepting the roll as a gf is accepting I'll never be a priority. It's great to see they are dedicated dads, I wouldn't want to date a man that was a bad father.

 

I know it sounds selfish to want to be someone's priority. I've never had a relationship where I've felt I was number 1. My exH was amazing at first, but he turned into a severe workaholic. I attended functions alone, celebrations alone... He was always working/away. I vowed I would date someone different the next time around.

 

In the 30-40 age range, a heck of a lot of single men have kids- but dating seems so much harder trying to schedule meetings with people!

 

Anyone have any positive experiences with this?

[Fondue]

It's the same exact thing with single moms. The man will never be the priority.

 

It is just what it is. Kids are that important. Either you have to learn to accept it, or move on and find a man that doesn't have children.

 

Best of luck to you .

[dangerstranger]

It's the same exact thing with single moms. The man will never be the priority.

 

It is just what it is. Kids are that important. Either you have to learn to accept it, or move on and find a man that doesn't have children.

 

Best of luck to you .

 

I don't think I can accept it.

Back to the drawing board I guess.

[Eeyore79]

A part of me feels like accepting the roll as a gf is accepting I'll never be a priority.

 

This is exactly why I don't date men with children. It isn't selfish to want someone who has the same to offer in a relationship as you do. I have no children and make my partner my priority, so I feel it's reasonable to expect him to do the same. Obviously if he has children it isn't reasonable to expect him to put me first, so I simply accept that men with children can't offer what I want in a relationship, and I choose to date other men.

[dangerstranger]

This is exactly why I don't date men with children. It isn't selfish to want someone who has the same to offer in a relationship as you do. I have no children and make my partner my priority, so I feel it's reasonable to expect him to do the same. Obviously if he has children it isn't reasonable to expect him to put me first, so I simply accept that men with children can't offer what I want in a relationship, and I choose to date other men.

 

Men without kids in my age group is hard to find! That is why I tried to expand my options.

 

I just want to be in a relationship where I am a priority, taking a back seat to my exH's job really damaged my sense of self worth.

 

Something else that is foreign to me is that the person you are dating always has ties and constant contact with the ex!! I think that would grate on me as well. The one guy I've gone out with and think I want to go out with again sees his ex 3 times a week at his girls baseball games.

 

That stuff is foreign to me, and I think maybe you have to be strong (not to mention patient) to handle this kind of thing.

[Eeyore79]

Something else that is foreign to me is that the person you are dating always has ties and constant contact with the ex!!.

Another reason why I don't date men with kids. Actually I don't date any man who maintains contact with his ex; previous relationships have to be over and contact has to be cut before I will consider starting a new relationship with someone. This sounds harsh but I find it saves a lot of drama and hassle in the long run.

 

Men without kids in my age group is hard to find! That is why I tried to expand my options.

What age group are you? Could you date younger men with no children, or older men with grown-up children?

[dangerstranger]

Another reason why I don't date men with kids. Actually I don't date any man who maintains contact with his ex; previous relationships have to be over and contact has to be cut before I will consider starting a new relationship with someone. This sounds harsh but I find it saves a lot of drama and hassle in the long run.

 

 

What age group are you? Could you date younger men with no children, or older men with grown-up children?

 

Mid-thirties. I am not attracted to older guys at all!

 

I find that the guys in my age group that don't have children, have their own baggage! I see a dating profile of a guy in his 30's that lists his longest relationship as "under 2 years"... I don't even bother with those ones!

[Eeyore79]

I'm early thirties and exclusively date men in their twenties. I don't date men with children, so twenties is a better age group for me to be fishing in. There's no shortage of men in their twenties who are happy to date a slightly older woman as long as she has no baggage (i.e. kids). I also meet quite a few men in their early thirties who don't have kids; they tend to be educated professionals who spent their time building a career instead of having a family.

 

I realize that some men who don't have children may have other baggage. However nobody is perfect, and I'd rather deal with the other baggage than deal with kids! I wouldn't have a problem with a man who hadn't had a relationship longer than two years; there could be numerous good reasons for that, and inexperience is a fairly easy thing to handle. As long as the guy isn't a player who's unwilling to settle down then I'd be happy to give him a chance.

[alexlakeman]

If you don't have kids at your age.. they are thinking the same thing, "what's up with this chic and no kids?".

 

Look at it this way, at least they CARE about their children and are involved.. I hear it too many times from women, that their kids' father is mia...

 

reminder to myself... this is why I only date single moms

[dangerstranger]

I guess you're right E. I just haven't had any luck at all finding a good fit.

 

The last few childless men I dated turned out to be CP's.

 

I don't think I'm capable of dealing with "ex's" and "children". It's hard to relate to when you don't have similar experience.

 

I think I am going to go back to searching for men without children. You're right, it's the kind of baggage that I am not ready to handle.

[Eeyore79]

That is a problem when you're dating childless men in their thirties; all those who want commitment usually have it already, and the remainder tend to be commitment phobes. I don't have difficulties finding men with no kids, but their tendency to be commitment phobic is what drove me to date younger men in their twenties. My friend is engaged to a guy who's seven years younger; I haven't ventured quite that far, but have noticed that the age gaps in my relationships get larger as I get older! I think what counts is being at the same life stage, not necessarily being the same age.

[dangerstranger]

If you don't have kids at your age.. they are thinking the same thing, "what's up with this chic and no kids?".

 

Look at it this way, at least they CARE about their children and are involved.. I hear it too many times from women, that their kids' father is mia...

 

reminder to myself... this is why I only date single moms

 

I haven't had that scrutiny from anyone. I've been married before, it didn't work out, I didn't have a child because my marriage wasn't stable and it wasn't a good platform for me to bring a child into the world. I can demonstrate that I've been in a 9 year relationship. I think it's different than me being leery of men in my age bracket that are childless and never had a relationship make the 2 year mark.

 

Not having kids has proven to be an asset in attracting men.

 

 

 

That is a problem when you're dating childless men in their thirties; all those who want commitment usually have it already, and the remainder tend to be commitment phobes. I don't have difficulties finding men with no kids, but their tendency to be commitment phobic is what drove me to date younger men in their twenties. My friend is engaged to a guy who's seven years younger; I haven't ventured quite that far, but have noticed that the age gaps in my relationships get larger as I get older! I think what counts is being at the same life stage, not necessarily being the same age.

 

I've dated 7-8 years younger. I look young, people usually assume I am under 30.

 

I just wanted to try something different, because obviously I am still single:o:o Some of the younger guys are a bit immature.

 

Dating sucks.

[soserious1]

Relationships with men who have kids can work if the following conditions are met

 

You will understand & accept that you will come after

 

1. his kids.. in everything

2. his job--it's how he supports his kids

3. the running of his home-his kids live there

4. his charitable interests & hobbies

5 .you

 

now if you have a strong life of your own, an active career, friends, extended family etc and he can accept that he & his kids will also come after

 

1. your career

2. your extended family

3.your friends

4. your hobbies and interests

 

and that any supports you offer to his kids or household are gifts, not things to be demanded or expected ie: you're going to give up your social

life and sacrifice fiscally to assist him in child rearing.

 

You can have a very nice warm, dating situation, what I see too often is that step-parents are expected to disproportionately give up their money and time but get reminded at every turn that they aren't the kids parent when issues arise.

[USCGAviator]

Not all men with kids are difficult to date. I have 3 that don't live with me and my ex lives far enough that I can only see them once a month:( I also get them for couple weeks during summer and winter.

 

I'm sure I'm not the only single father with a flexible dating schedule. They're out there, so don't hate em all.

[dangerstranger]

Relationships with men who have kids can work if the following conditions are met

 

You will understand & accept that you will come after

 

1. his kids.. in everything

2. his job--it's how he supports his kids

3. the running of his home-his kids live there

4. his charitable interests & hobbies

5 .you

 

now if you have a strong life of your own, an active career, friends, extended family etc and he can accept that he & his kids will also come after

 

1. your career

2. your extended family

3.your friends

4. your hobbies and interests

 

and that any supports you offer to his kids or household are gifts, not things to be demanded or expected ie: you're going to give up your social

life and sacrifice fiscally to assist him in child rearing.

 

You can have a very nice warm, dating situation, what I see too often is that step-parents are expected to disproportionately give up their money and time but get reminded at every turn that they aren't the kids parent when issues arise.

 

Probably not an ideal situation for me to get myself into.

Thanks for giving me some clarity, it helped a lot.

[USCGAviator]

I think that mutli-dating fathers is getting a bit overwhelming for you. Your trying to juggle 3 men's schedules with your own. your chalking it up that fathers are difficult to date, when it may actually be your dating practices.

 

Perhaps you should start eliminating and get down to 1 man. I think you'll find that's its not all that bad. Just a thought.

[dangerstranger]

I think that mutli-dating fathers is getting a bit overwhelming for you. Your trying to juggle 3 men's schedules with your own. your chalking it up that fathers are difficult to date, when it may actually be your dating practices.

 

Perhaps you should start eliminating and get down to 1 man. I think you'll find that's its not all that bad. Just a thought.

 

All of these guys have crazy schedules with their kids.

That's okay! But it's not an ideal situation for me.

 

In my age range, guys have kids in the 7-12 age group. They have stuff going on every night. As I've said before, that's okay- they should be there for their kids.

 

Something that really pissed me off this morning is that one of these guys sent me a mistaken text that was meant for his ex-wife. It's so much drama that I am not accustomed to.

[alexlakeman]

Sounds like you just shouldn't date then, lol...

[dangerstranger]

Sounds like you just shouldn't date then, lol...

 

Oh yeah," lol"- you're so helpful. Why bother being snide, just don't post.

[OliveOyl]

It really depends on the situation. Some fathers only see their kids every other weekend. That would leave sufficient time for dating.

 

And just because someone has kids doesn't mean they are necessarily going to make you feel like a distant 2nd/3rd/4th, whatever.

 

But yes, before I got married and had kids, I hoped to find someone without kids too. I think late 20s/early-mid 30s there should be plenty of men who just haven't gotten around to settling down yet.

[Eeyore79]

Not having kids has proven to be an asset in attracting men.

I have always found the same. I don't think anyone specifically desires a partner who has kids, they just happen to fall in love with someone who has them. People with no kids generally prefer other people with no kids.

 

I've dated 7-8 years younger. I look young, people usually assume I am under 30.

If you can date younger, then do it. You'll have much more chance of finding a man without kids, and in my experience the sex is hotter

 

I just wanted to try something different, because obviously I am still single

You tried something different by dating men with kids, and it didn't work for you, which is fair enough. Don't waste your time repeating something if it doesn't work for you.

 

Some of the younger guys are a bit immature.

There are immature men in all age groups. Some of the most immature men are older men who have never been able to commit to a woman. I've met a great deal of mature men in their twenties; you just have to be choosy when deciding who to date.

[NoReallyThatHappened]

I'm dating a single dad and it's never been an issue. I've never felt second or like I wasn't important. Maybe it's because I grew up in a divorced household I realize there's plenty of love to go around? I have no problems with my BF putting his child first because the child SHOULD be first.

[Lil1]

OP I'm also going through the same debate. I am seeing a single dad who has 2 young children (we are both 29). He maintains contact with his ex, they see eachother often and are on good terms. He told me once that he loves her sister as if she were his own sister so he even keeps contact with his ex's family which I'm not too thrilled about but I guess I can understand.

 

I decided to give it a try for the same reasons as you (didnt want to limit myself) and also because our friends hooked us up. I have met his children and his parents and they all like me very much. However the more I think about it the more it seems to me that this relationship isn't really right for me. I don't want to be last on his list of priorities, and I don't want to deal with baby mama drama (I haven't met her yet). I haven't really invested myself emotionally and therefore have not fallen for him- I don't even get the butterfly feelings you're supposed to have in the beginning of a relationship. I do like him very much and I think he's super gorgeous but for now I'm just taking one ay at a time, letting him take the lead. I am very cautious about it all and I know if I continue to feel this way about him I will need to cut him loose and stop wasting eachother's time

 

My advice for you is to stick to the younger guys! less baggage and more fun! Good luck!

[Star Gazer]

Not having kids has proven to be an asset in attracting men.

 

That's been my experience as well.

[dangerstranger]

Thanks for everyone taking the time to post about your experiences!

 

I am multi-dating right now because I have never done it before. I always stick to one person, and I just want to try something new.

 

It's nice to know there are guys out there that remain dedicated to their children, I find that admirable. Growing up I experienced some of my friends of divorced parents lose fathers in the process.

 

As I've said before, the kids should always come first, I'm just not accustomed to fitting in with that scenario. I just want to experience a relationship where I can be someone's priority for once. Trying to get to know someone that has his kids 2 days a week, and coaches them in hockey and baseball 4 nights a week is going to be hard to get to know.

 

My friends with kids tell me I am being selfish wanting to be a priority- my friends without kids tell me after what I went through in my marriage (the neglect) that it's time to think about myself for a change.

 

I started talking to a 38 year old guy whose kids are older and living full time with the mother. His schedule seems to be a little more open- and he seems to be more flexible. I don't know, maybe it's about finding the right situation.