Dating men with kids is so different!

[Ouroboros]

I know it sounds selfish to want to be someone's priority. I've never had a relationship where I've felt I was number 1. My exH was amazing at first, but he turned into a severe workaholic. I attended functions alone, celebrations alone... He was always working/away. I vowed I would date someone different the next time around.

Functions and celebrations are so boring. "Call me when you need sex until then I have my own life" would be my take on this.

[Intricategirl]

And just because someone has kids doesn't mean they are necessarily going to make you feel like a distant 2nd/3rd/4th, whatever.

 

and...

 

I'm dating a single dad and it's never been an issue. I've never felt second or like I wasn't important. Maybe it's because I grew up in a divorced household I realize there's plenty of love to go around?

 

I agree with these statements. I find the whole thing of people not dating people who have children to be somewhat silly. My son is my priority. So is my daughter. So WAS my ex-husband. None of these really takes time away from the others. It's not like my son becomes my priority to the detriment of my daughter, or vice versa. And when I'm dating, I make sure and get a sitter some nights and set aside "grown up time". The kids enjoy the break away from mom, and I enjoy getting time to date. And once the man I'm dating has reached a stage where we think it's appropriate to introduce him to the kids, he's in that circle of doing events together. He is welcome to come to things we normally have going on, but we also make sure to make it to some (age appropriate) events that he enjoys. For example, I dated a guy that LOVED going to the zoo. It was his favorite place, and he'd go there whether there were kids or not. But it happened to work out perfectly.

 

Granted, a person has to work their way into that circle. And it takes time. And during that time, there will be some give and take on the scheduling. I may not be able to make it to a concert he wants to go to because of a school event, but I'll see if he wants to make plans for later in the week. I realize that it also means that I'm going to have to make a big effort to set aside time for him, or it will never progress far enough to see how he does with my kids and include him in our plans.

 

Ideally, for me, I date men with children because it's easier for me. There's that understanding. And I'm not necessarily trying to talk you into continuing if its not for you. But I wouldn't say that the complaint that you'll never be his priority is accurate. I think it's more accurate that it occurs in the early stages, and even then, it shouldn't have to.

[dangerstranger]

I agree with these statements. I find the whole thing of people not dating people who have children to be somewhat silly. My son is my priority. So is my daughter. So WAS my ex-husband. None of these really takes time away from the others. It's not like my son becomes my priority to the detriment of my daughter, or vice versa. And when I'm dating, I make sure and get a sitter some nights and set aside "grown up time". The kids enjoy the break away from mom, and I enjoy getting time to date. And once the man I'm dating has reached a stage where we think it's appropriate to introduce him to the kids, he's in that circle of doing events together. He is welcome to come to things we normally have going on, but we also make sure to make it to some (age appropriate) events that he enjoys. For example, I dated a guy that LOVED going to the zoo. It was his favorite place, and he'd go there whether there were kids or not. But it happened to work out perfectly.

 

Granted, a person has to work their way into that circle. And it takes time. And during that time, there will be some give and take on the scheduling. I may not be able to make it to a concert he wants to go to because of a school event, but I'll see if he wants to make plans for later in the week. I realize that it also means that I'm going to have to make a big effort to set aside time for him, or it will never progress far enough to see how he does with my kids and include him in our plans.

 

Ideally, for me, I date men with children because it's easier for me. There's that understanding. And I'm not necessarily trying to talk you into continuing if its not for you. But I wouldn't say that the complaint that you'll never be his priority is accurate. I think it's more accurate that it occurs in the early stages, and even then, it shouldn't have to.

 

I guess it may seem silly to you because you have kids, and you know how the process works. You have to understand that the process of dating someone with kids is foreign to someone like me that hasn't done it before. I am used to dating people with a lot more freedom to go out and do things.

 

Being as busy as I am, dating someone that also has a busy work schedule and has to get his time in with his kids has proven to be a bit difficult in arranging meetings.

 

I don't think it's silly to at least take into consideration that spending time with someone that has children is more difficult than arranging time with someone that is single.

 

When you venture into the arena of dating someone with kids, you are also dealing with an ex that is going to be around no matter what- also new territory for me. That's something I'd have to learn to be okay with and accept as well. That's also new territory for me.

[Ouroboros]

Considering they have a job, a kid or more, and then have that kid or kids signed up to every activity under the sun some of which they are apart of, I would be under the impression they won't have time to date.

[Intricategirl]

Silly was not a proper choice of word, and I apologize. I'm not sure what the correct word would be to express what I mean, and you're absolutely correct. If you're not used to having to schedule things, it's new territory. Exes... not as much. With any sort of dating history, there's an ex, and they may still be friendly or not. Same with ex-spouses. But the scheduling also has some perks. You know when you're going to see them next, because you've scheduled it in advance. You've got a decent idea what time they're going to call, because they usually wait until the kids have gone to bed so they have freedom to talk. Yes, you give up some of the "hey, there's an awesome band playing tonight, wanna check them out" but in return, you get solid plans.

 

That's all I meant.

[dangerstranger]

Silly was not a proper choice of word, and I apologize. I'm not sure what the correct word would be to express what I mean, and you're absolutely correct. If you're not used to having to schedule things, it's new territory. Exes... not as much. With any sort of dating history, there's an ex, and they may still be friendly or not. Same with ex-spouses. But the scheduling also has some perks. You know when you're going to see them next, because you've scheduled it in advance. You've got a decent idea what time they're going to call, because they usually wait until the kids have gone to bed so they have freedom to talk. Yes, you give up some of the "hey, there's an awesome band playing tonight, wanna check them out" but in return, you get solid plans.

 

That's all I meant.

 

I understand that, I thought I might have offended you questioning dating someone that has children when you have children. I don't mean this to be an anti-single mom or dad thread. I was just trying to illustrate that it is really foreign to us newbies I don't want to offend anyone with children, it actually helps to get a perspective, so I thank you for yours. It helps.

 

I'm 38, so it's a reality that I am going to meet men with children.

 

I will probably have to work on my patience:p

[Intricategirl]

Nah. Not offended at all. My perspective as a single parent is that I would prefer to date guys who have kids who see them regularly. Someone that has interaction with them on a regular basis. 'Cause he's more likely to understand my situation.

[thatone]

 

I know it sounds selfish to want to be someone's priority. I've never had a relationship where I've felt I was number 1.

 

 

i don't think it's selfish at all. that's why i don't date women with children.

[thatone]

I find the whole thing of people not dating people who have children to be somewhat silly.

 

why?

 

I may not be able to make it to a concert he wants to go to because of a school event

 

that's why.

[Eeyore79]

I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that something doesn't work for you, or doesn't suit your lifestyle and needs. I don't date men with kids because having children around doesn't suit my lifestyle. I also don't date unemployed men, unintelligent men, men who I'm not sexually attracted to, or men who I don't have anything in common with. We all discriminate in dating, and different people have different criteria - which is good, otherwise we'd all be fighting over the same people!

 

It's not just that accommodating kids into my lifestyle is alien to me - I'd be prepared to make the effort to accommodate them if they were my kids, but I'm not willing to make that effort for someone else's kids. If I wanted kids around I would have had my own! Right now my life is not focused on children, and I don't want it to be, so I'm not compatible with someone whose life is focused on children. It's better for everyone involved if I just stick to men with compatible lifestyles, and I don't think I should be judged for that decision.

[thatone]

you're both right, there's nothing wrong with those opinions. men see women with children the same way.

[dangerstranger]

Well I scratched one guy from the list. We were going through our schedules trying to set up another date, and we couldn't fit anything in for a couple of weeks.

 

It's hard.

[dangerstranger]

So foreign to me...

 

I had a second date with a guy tonight. He has 2 kids, 2 years out leaving the marriage.

 

We meet at 6:30- he pulls up, I am sitting on the patio, and I see him pull up. He gets off his motorcycle, then I see him checking his phone, making a call. I see from his body language he is fighting with the person on the phone. He comes to the patio and admits he had a fight with his ex, they had a kid crisis. He got 3 calls during his ride to meet me, and had to call back because he feared his kids were in crisis.

 

I just want to shoot myself in the head.

 

He texts me after the date that he can't wait to see me again, but I just don't think I can deal with the ex-factor.

[oaks]

He texts me after the date that he can't wait to see me again, but I just don't think I can deal with the ex-factor.

 

Ugh. Doesn't sound good, but don't blame the kids. I'm sure some fathers have a more benign relationship with their kids' mothers.

[Eeyore79]

He texts me after the date that he can't wait to see me again, but I just don't think I can deal with the ex-factor.

I think the fact that the ex is still around bothers me more than the kids do. If another boyfriend had that amount of contact with his ex, regular phone calls, spending time together etc, then I'd find it inappropriate and would ask him to cut contact with her. But if she's the mother of his kids he can't cut contact, and I'm supposed to be ok with him talking to his ex and seeing her all the time; I'm even expected to be friends with her! It's just unacceptable to me.

 

In general I have a rule that I don't date men who still maintain contact with their exes, and men with kids violate that rule big time, especially because I can't ask him to reduce contact with her if it makes me uncomfortable. This is before you even consider all of the other lifestyle constraints that kids impose.

 

DS, why are you still dating men with kids when it clearly isn't a situation that you find ideal? There are plenty of men out there who don't have kids.

[phineas]

I think the fact that the ex is still around bothers me more than the kids do. If another boyfriend had that amount of contact with his ex, regular phone calls, spending time together etc, then I'd find it inappropriate and would ask him to cut contact with her. But if she's the mother of his kids he can't cut contact, and I'm supposed to be ok with him talking to his ex and seeing her all the time; I'm even expected to be friends with her! It's just unacceptable to me.

 

In general I have a rule that I don't date men who still maintain contact with their exes, and men with kids violate that rule big time, especially because I can't ask him to reduce contact with her if it makes me uncomfortable. This is before you even consider all of the other lifestyle constraints that kids impose.

 

DS, why are you still dating men with kids when it clearly isn't a situation that you find ideal? There are plenty of men out there who don't have kids.

 

What if the ex looked like a wild snorlax standing 5'4" & weighing in at 155lbs with unflexed arms bigger than most mens arms flexed?

 

Would you still worry about him seeing her so often?

[dangerstranger]

I think the fact that the ex is still around bothers me more than the kids do. If another boyfriend had that amount of contact with his ex, regular phone calls, spending time together etc, then I'd find it inappropriate and would ask him to cut contact with her. But if she's the mother of his kids he can't cut contact, and I'm supposed to be ok with him talking to his ex and seeing her all the time; I'm even expected to be friends with her! It's just unacceptable to me.

 

In general I have a rule that I don't date men who still maintain contact with their exes, and men with kids violate that rule big time, especially because I can't ask him to reduce contact with her if it makes me uncomfortable. This is before you even consider all of the other lifestyle constraints that kids impose.

 

DS, why are you still dating men with kids when it clearly isn't a situation that you find ideal? There are plenty of men out there who don't have kids.

 

I guess I had hoped I'd meet someone in a more stable situation. As I said, I found slim pickings of men in my age group that don't have children.

 

What if the ex looked like a wild snorlax standing 5'4" & weighing in at 155lbs with unflexed arms bigger than most mens arms flexed?

 

Would you still worry about him seeing her so often?

 

It's not that I worry from the jealousy perspective- it's just weird to date people that have so much contact with their ex's. The one guy from last night- we were having dinner and he's getting constant texts updating him on his daughter's baseball game. Then he gets 2 calls from her.

 

It's just weird- foreign and weird.

[phineas]

It's not that I worry from the jealousy perspective- it's just weird to date people that have so much contact with their ex's. The one guy from last night- we were having dinner and he's getting constant texts updating him on his daughter's baseball game. Then he gets 2 calls from her.

 

It's just weird- foreign and weird.

 

That's gotta be damn annoying. I put a stop to that crap fairly quickly with my ex.

 

LOL! Noticed your user ID.

[Eeyore79]

What if the ex looked like a wild snorlax standing 5'4" & weighing in at 155lbs with unflexed arms bigger than most mens arms flexed?

 

Would you still worry about him seeing her so often?

 

I'd be slightly grossed out that he had sex with her and then had sex with me. At the very least it would make me question his judgement, and my own - he's obviously no great catch if that's the sort of woman he gets involved with. If that's the standard of woman he dates, what the hell am I doing with him?!

 

All that aside - yes, regardless of what she looked like, I still wouldn't want him to maintain contact with her. Exes need to be left firmly in the past before I'm willing to start a new relationship with someone.

[dangerstranger]

Well obviously I am dateless today!!

 

I did happen to meet someone without kids on POF, but he's listed his longest relationship as under 2 years! I just think that's such a red flag.

 

The contact with the ex thing really bothers me. He's getting texts from his ex-wife updating him on the baseball game- and then he's relaying the updates to me... I can actually explain it as being the third wheel on my date!

 

I have since ended things with this guy- it was too much. I think the fact that he still has such a tumultuous relationship with his ex would bother the crap out of me.

 

I have been out a couple times with someone else- he has kids as well, but they are older. He is mid-thirties, pretty sucessful, but his son lives at home with him. We've been out for lunch and dinner- but again, it's hard to arrange times to meet.

[phineas]

I'd be slightly grossed out that he had sex with her and then had sex with me. At the very least it would make me question his judgement, and my own - he's obviously no great catch if that's the sort of woman he gets involved with. If that's the standard of woman he dates, what the hell am I doing with him?!

 

All that aside - yes, regardless of what she looked like, I still wouldn't want him to maintain contact with her. Exes need to be left firmly in the past before I'm willing to start a new relationship with someone.

 

Well, she didn't look that way when we met.

She "filled out" after divorce. LOL!

 

But ok, don't date single dad's. It doesn't offend me. I don't date single mom's that arn't getting child support.

[dangerstranger]

Well, she didn't look that way when we met.

She "filled out" after divorce. LOL!

 

But ok, don't date single dad's. It doesn't offend me. I don't date single mom's that arn't getting child support.

 

I think I might stop dating single dads.

[thatone]

Well obviously I am dateless today!!

 

I did happen to meet someone without kids on POF, but he's listed his longest relationship as under 2 years! I just think that's such a red flag.

 

 

if you're eliminating men with kids and men with only short term relationships, you're gonna find the barrel fairly empty.

 

there are generally two different types of men who have any semblance of contact with women. those who want marriage and children (and got it at some point, hence the ex and the kids) and those who don't (who won't have a lot of long term relationships, because they cut those women off when the women started hinting about marriage and children).

[Banker Chick]

I was divorced when I was 35 and went through something similar. My daughter was 13 at the time and I didn't mind if they were a Dad, but I did prefer they have older children. That was so hard to find! I dated some guys that were never married, no children but found they weren't relationship material and couldn't relate to me having a child. I will say thought that having an only child that was a little older and not involved in every single activity under the sun, I did have quite a bit of free time.

 

I'm now 42 and my bf is 40 and he's never been married and no kids. I like that he has no ex baggage and no kids (now that my daughter is 19) but it's true that he was a little "relationship challenged". He too didn't have a bunch of substantial relationships prior to me but I kind of liked not having to compete with some ex that he might feel was "the one that got away". There was a learning curve for sure but I've found I still prefer this set up.

 

And now that we've found out we're expecting that sort of seals the deal

[Eeyore79]

there are generally two different types of men who have any semblance of contact with women. those who want marriage and children (and got it at some point, hence the ex and the kids) and those who don't (who won't have a lot of long term relationships, because they cut those women off when the women started hinting about marriage and children).

 

Not all men who haven't had LTRs are against marriage and children. Some are shy, while others were focused on their careers, or had to care for a relative, or had to deal with illness, etc - there are a lot of men with little relationship experience who would make great partners.

 

Also some men who previously had short relationships may have reached a point in life where they want something that lasts, and they can sometimes be good partners too (although in my experience most of these non-committal men never really change their ways and still aren't too interested in commitment, whatever they claim).

 

There are also men who had an LTR which ended before kids came along - they may be interested in marriage and commitment but simply haven't met the right person yet (although there are fewer of these men in their thirties and above, you generally have to look for such men in their late twenties).

 

In my experience, the richest pickings are among the men who want commitment but for whatever reason haven't had much relationship experience. These men tend to be very loyal and faithful when they finally find a relationship partner, because they've wanted a relationship for some time and when at last they find one they hold onto it for dear life. So I don't think inexperience is necessarily a red flag!