His mom said no. Should I still go?

[AudiHax]

Okay so I told my parents about wanting to go and visit my LDR and they were perfectly fine with it (Read my last thread if you want to know that story...)

 

Anyway, I was delighted and was ready to book my flight. But my boyfriend still lives at home so he needed to ask his mom if it would be okay for me to stay at the house for 2 weeks. She really liked me and I thought there would be no problem, but she told him no, because she feels it would interfere with his studies...(he's taking summer college classes but has month of August off). She said he should be studying throughout August and my visit would only interfere with all of that...

 

I have no problem with my boyfriend continuing to study while I'm there. All I wanted was to see him in person again...otherwise it's going to be another year before we can probably see each other at all...

 

Should I still book my flight? (seats are filling up fast). I feel that if I "show up", then his mom is bound to allow me to stay. She's not a bad person and I can't see her leaving me on the streets. I don't have the money to spend 2 weeks in a hotel or anything, but I really really don't want his mother's response to be the cause of me and my boyfriend not seeing each other...My boyfriend would love for me to come and he feels his mom is being unreasonable and he doesn't know what else to do. He's just afraid that if I come, she won't take me in...

 

Should I go with my heart and go and see him anyway, or should I let his mother stop me and continue to feel miserable from not seeing him in so long?

Edited June 13, 2011 by AudiHax

[Restless_Journeyman]

Should I go with my heart and go and see him anyway, or should I let his mother stop me and continue to feel miserable from not seeing him in so long?

 

If you feel he is worth taking that sort of chance on then go, none of us can tell you what he or this trip are worth to you.

[pincher76]

How old are you? How old is he? If you're both adults, than I would say it's up to HIM to deal with his mother. It is her house, and both of you need to respect that if she doesn't want you staying there. But if the only reason is because she wants to control what her adult son does - he needs to deal with that himself. I wouldn't go where I am am not wanted. If you plan any sort of future together, you don't want to piss off the MIL. Also - you need a guy who can handle his mother! If this is how she is now.. how is she going to be down the road? Put it on his plate to figure out. As hard as it may be to do so.

[AudiHax]

How old are you? How old is he? If you're both adults, than I would say it's up to HIM to deal with his mother. It is her house, and both of you need to respect that if she doesn't want you staying there. But if the only reason is because she wants to control what her adult son does - he needs to deal with that himself. I wouldn't go where I am am not wanted. If you plan any sort of future together, you don't want to piss off the MIL. Also - you need a guy who can handle his mother! If this is how she is now.. how is she going to be down the road? Put it on his plate to figure out. As hard as it may be to do so.

 

It's not up to him. No matter how old he is, he still lives under his parents roof and they pay for his college funds. He can't change their minds to suit himself. He tried hard to convince her that my visit would not interfere with his studying, but she refuses to believe it. She would like to have me stay. She's just afraid her son's studies will suffer...

 

I don't care what she thinks though. I want to go there to see my boyfriend, not his mother. Why should I continue to feel miserable just because she says I can't stay in her house? I'll sleep in his car if I have to...I think I'm going to go...

[Citizen Erased]

I think it would be unbelievably rude if you were to show up to a house that you were refused a visit into. Her prior good opinion of you will go down the drain.

 

Unless you can afford a hotel, or he has a friend you could stay with, I would suggest you put off the trip for another time.

[LittleTiger]

It's not up to him. No matter how old he is, he still lives under his parents roof and they pay for his college funds. He can't change their minds to suit himself. He tried hard to convince her that my visit would not interfere with his studying, but she refuses to believe it. She would like to have me stay. She's just afraid her son's studies will suffer...

 

I don't care what she thinks though. I want to go there to see my boyfriend, not his mother. Why should I continue to feel miserable just because she says I can't stay in her house? I'll sleep in his car if I have to...I think I'm going to go...

 

You won't like me saying this but I think that's rather a selfish attitude. Unless she's a control freak, which is not how you have portrayed her, your bf's mother has his best interests at heart.

 

She is concerned about her son, his studies and his future and, unfortunately for you, in her mind, you don't figure much in any of that. From what you said in your previous thread, he doesn't figure much in your parents' minds either.

 

In your early 20s you may well be adults but, as you're very well aware, you're both still dependent on your parents. Until you're making your own money, you don't have control of your own lives, and you therefore need to respect the wishes and advice of the people who take care of you. That's the price you pay for further education I'm afraid.

 

Even if you could afford a hotel, do you really think you won't be disturbing his studies? You very definitely will if you go and set up camp in his car!!!

 

Perhaps you should leave the decision to your bf. It's his life, his family and his career. He's the one who will have to face the consequences after you return home - if he decides he wants you to go.

[Art_Critic]

I think it would be unbelievably rude if you were to show up to a house that you were refused a visit into. Her prior good opinion of you will go down the drain.

 

Unless you can afford a hotel, or he has a friend you could stay with, I would suggest you put off the trip for another time.

 

Excellent advice...

 

and I know you don't care what she thinks.. But.. She is his mother and he lives under her roof and most likely pays for his school and food and clothes.. and as such she makes the rules.

 

If you show up then get ready to be told to leave.

If I was his mother and you showed up at my door you certainly would not be staying the night there or seeing my son and you would be asked to leave... and don't come back...

 

You sound like you have a little bit of a problem with parental authority ??

[Art_Critic]

She's just afraid her son's studies will suffer...

 

I don't care what she thinks though.

 

Would you be willing to pay for his college ?

[Pianiste]

Or you could try and see if she's ok with a shorter visit, ie. one week.

 

I definitely wouldn't go there if they are against you visiting, especially if he's living under their roof.

[wild_urge]

Would you be willing to pay for his college ?

 

What do YOU suggest that she does ? It's not like you decide whether to love somebody or not! It not like you can just decide to stop loving that person ! She's not going to see him for another year if she doesn't go, I don't see how you don't get it. What if someone told you that for the stupidest reason you can't see the person you love ?

You know, my boyfriends mom did the same thing, she acted friendly and everything and then all of a sudden she said I can't visit during the winter, cause it's dangerous to fly! What the hell, do you have any idea what it is to work and go to school? I worked like crazy to save up the money and she says no. Yeah sure! Anyways, he talked to her and she finally understood she is being unreasonable so i visited, but I can sense that she is no more as friendly. It's a thing that mothers have for their sons, no matter what you do, you'll never be good enough for him. Yeah she pays for he studies, but does she realise that he is happy with that girl? Does she realise that he's not just going to be moody for the next few days and then forgive her. He should try to talk to her and make her see that that is not the right way react. She should give advices and be there for him, but she cannot tell him what to do. At his age, she must realise that he makes decisions for himself, it's not that his young, if she is controlling now, it's not something that will end just because he's 30 or 40. A parent does not OWN their child, I don't see why anyone is supportive of that mother. My parents may disagree with me, they might tell me that what I am about to do is wrong, but they never force me in such extreme ways. One thing you should know as a parent is that once you make something inaccessible for a kid it wants it even more. I'm really mad right now . . . that is extremely unfair!

[AudiHax]

What do YOU suggest that she does ? It's not like you decide whether to love somebody or not! It not like you can just decide to stop loving that person ! She's not going to see him for another year if she doesn't go, I don't see how you don't get it. What if someone told you that for the stupidest reason you can't see the person you love ?

You know, my boyfriends mom did the same thing, she acted friendly and everything and then all of a sudden she said I can't visit during the winter, cause it's dangerous to fly! What the hell, do you have any idea what it is to work and go to school? I worked like crazy to save up the money and she says no. Yeah sure! Anyways, he talked to her and she finally understood she is being unreasonable so i visited, but I can sense that she is no more as friendly. It's a thing that mothers have for their sons, no matter what you do, you'll never be good enough for him. Yeah she pays for he studies, but does she realise that he is happy with that girl? Does she realise that he's not just going to be moody for the next few days and then forgive her. He should try to talk to her and make her see that that is not the right way react. She should give advices and be there for him, but she cannot tell him what to do. At his age, she must realise that he makes decisions for himself, it's not that his young, if she is controlling now, it's not something that will end just because he's 30 or 40. A parent does not OWN their child, I don't see why anyone is supportive of that mother. My parents may disagree with me, they might tell me that what I am about to do is wrong, but they never force me in such extreme ways. One thing you should know as a parent is that once you make something inaccessible for a kid it wants it even more. I'm really mad right now . . . that is extremely unfair!

 

Thank you. You're the only one that understands me. Unlike these other people on here who obviously has it so easy, with no problems when to see their SO, I unfortunately have a few obstacles in my way at the moment. It doesn't mean that I should let these obstacles stop me from being with the person I love. I haven't seen my boyfriend in almost a year and if I don't see him this summer, I won't get another opportunity to until at least next summer. I can't let his mother stop me from coming to visit the guy I love. I know in my own heart that my visit isn't going to ruin his studies, no matter what his mom thinks. And I will sleep in the car if it's the last resort, because a small little thing like 'sleeping arrangements' isn't going to stop me from seeing the guy I love.

[Art_Critic]

What do YOU suggest that she does ?

 

Certainly not show up at his Mothers house as she was told not to show up.. how is that even in question..

what is wrong with you people that you would do such a thing, what an absolutely horrible position to put his mother in.. and if she is right about their future.. HER FUTURE MOTHER INLAW.

 

She needs to not go.. period..

[Art_Critic]

A parent does not OWN their child,

 

Actually.. they do... till they are 18.. at that point they have a choice to stay and abide by the parents rules and wishes or leave..

That isn't to say that the child doesn't have a voice or that they shouldn't be heard though.. but the laws and courts are very clear on to who is responsible for the child.

 

They heard her BF's voice and he got overruled..

What is so hard to understand about that ?

[blugirl]

Hm, I would go as well but I wouldn't have the guts to show up at their house if I was told not to.... so I have a respect for you AudiHax and wish you good luck, hope it all goes well for ya A single obstacle won't come in your way, isn't it ^^

What I would do, I would find some cheap hostel at least or ask my SO to ask his friends if I can stay with one of them.

[LittleTiger]

Thank you. You're the only one that understands me. Unlike these other people on here who obviously has it so easy, with no problems when to see their SO, I unfortunately have a few obstacles in my way at the moment. It doesn't mean that I should let these obstacles stop me from being with the person I love. I haven't seen my boyfriend in almost a year and if I don't see him this summer, I won't get another opportunity to until at least next summer. I can't let his mother stop me from coming to visit the guy I love. I know in my own heart that my visit isn't going to ruin his studies, no matter what his mom thinks. And I will sleep in the car if it's the last resort, because a small little thing like 'sleeping arrangements' isn't going to stop me from seeing the guy I love.

 

Oh, have no fear, we understand you - and if you think it's easy living 12,000 miles from the man you love and only being able to see him a few times a year for the foreseeable future, then think again! I can assure you we have far more obstacles in our way than you kids do - and considerably less time on our side to sort them.

 

What would I do in your situation? I'd put my boyfriend first instead of whinging on about how life is so unfair and you're going to do whatever the hell you like regardless of how if affects anybody else. You clearly have no respect for other people's opinions and you certainly have no respect for your bf's mother or her feelings. If you turn up at her house, after she asked you not to, don't expect a warm reception from her ever again - especially if his studies do suffer - how can you possibly know that they won't? Are you clairvoyant?

 

At your age, if being together with the man I loved was impossible, I'd get on with my life and make plans for a better future - hopefully one that included him.

 

If you don't get to see him for another year, the separation won't kill you - and if you really can't live without each other, give up your studies, move in together and get a $10/hr job in your local supermarket - I'm sure love will take care of the rest!

[LuckyCharm]

I agree with everyone else advices you not to go, his mother said no and you need to respect her wishes. it's not like she said no to the relationship, after all you said she likes you and if you want her to continue to like you then you need to respect the fact that your bf still lives under her roof.

 

But if your not willing to listen and decide to go anyways at least stay at a hotel but do not under any circumstances show up at his mothers house and expect her to just let you stay cause you came anyways, I don't know what culture you come from but in a lot of other cultures that is just plain disrespectful.

[ProjekctionMan]

OP, do you really want to make a scene?

 

I would just not book the flight. If you don't have the money to afford a hotel for 2 weeks, then you certainly don't have the money to spend on a return flight after his mother kicks you out of her house!

 

Some parents are funny like that. And if it matters so much to you, like others have said, try to get an apartment together.

[wild_urge]

I can't believe this! Are you people serious ? She said she hasn't seen him in a year and it will be another year before she has the chance to see him again. Little Tiger, you see your SO more than once a year, no matter how far he is, right ?

I mean seriously, think about it this way. What if he's the guy for her and they have a future and they do get married and live happily for the rest 40 years ? What about, that? Should she let his mom stand in their way ? I don't see how they are going to sustain a relationship if they don't see each other for two years, to me it's better that she goes there and whatever's going to happen happens, than never going there. But that's my opinion of course.

People on this forum seems to find that only their problems are significant enough, you see, they really miss their SO's, they can’t wait to see them, they always come here to share if something is in their way of seeing their loved ones, but when it's happening to someone else, then it's not a big deal, you can wait another year.

This makes me so sad, this forum is for support and NO ONE gave you any support at all. All they care about is his mom, but do they know her? No. Do they know that she is not just doing this because she has her own plan of her son will be and will be doing in the future ? No. Again, children are not owned by their parents, you can put gas in a car and consequently steer the wheel, but you cannot tell another person how to live their life, this person has feelings and thoughts of his own.

[AudiHax]

Certainly not show up at his Mothers house as she was told not to show up.. how is that even in question..

what is wrong with you people that you would do such a thing, what an absolutely horrible position to put his mother in.. and if she is right about their future.. HER FUTURE MOTHER INLAW.

 

She needs to not go.. period..

 

How can she have a chance of becoming my mother in law if I can't even have the chance to spend some time with my boyfriend? It's been a year and will be another year if I don't see him this summer. What chance does she have of becoming my mother in law when my boyfriend probably won't even still be my boyfriend come this time next year. You can't expect two people to remain in a decent relationship if they haven't seen each other in two years..

[LuckyCharm]

How can she have a chance of becoming my mother in law if I can't even have the chance to spend some time with my boyfriend? It's been a year and will be another year if I don't see him this summer. What chance does she have of becoming my mother in law when my boyfriend probably won't even still be my boyfriend come this time next year. You can't expect two people to remain in a decent relationship if they haven't seen each other in two years..

 

I'm sure if it's really meant to be then it will work out even if that means you will only see him next year.

 

But like I suggested before and you didn't answer me, why not stay at a hotel?

[GorillaTheater]

As I understand it, both of you are in your twenties. Yet you want to have a relationship in which this guy's mom is effectively the gate-keeper.

 

I'm thinking that I'd decline a relationship like that.

[AudiHax]

Oh, have no fear, we understand you - and if you think it's easy living 12,000 miles from the man you love and only being able to see him a few times a year for the foreseeable future, then think again! I can assure you we have far more obstacles in our way than you kids do - and considerably less time on our side to sort them.

 

What would I do in your situation? I'd put my boyfriend first instead of whinging on about how life is so unfair and you're going to do whatever the hell you like regardless of how if affects anybody else. You clearly have no respect for other people's opinions and you certainly have no respect for your bf's mother or her feelings. If you turn up at her house, after she asked you not to, don't expect a warm reception from her ever again - especially if his studies do suffer - how can you possibly know that they won't? Are you clairvoyant?

 

At your age, if being together with the man I loved was impossible, I'd get on with my life and make plans for a better future - hopefully one that included him.

 

If you don't get to see him for another year, the separation won't kill you - and if you really can't live without each other, give up your studies, move in together and get a $10/hr job in your local supermarket - I'm sure love will take care of the rest!

 

If you were trying to be sarcastic, you failed. One, you don't know anything about our feelings for each other, nor do you know anything about the respect that I have for other people. I have a lot of respect for people. But I just won't let other people's feelings and opinions get in the way of my own happiness. If my visit is what me and my boyfriend want, then why should I care at all about his mother's feelings? She's married and in love herself. Now it's my turn and I'm not going to let anybody ruin my chances of having a good future with the guy I fell in love with, no matter who that person may be.

 

I made the mistake of hiding my true feelings from my parents for a long time, in fear that they will be upset and unhappy about my choices. But I faced them and now I realize that this is my life, and neither my parents nor his parents will have an opinion in whether we should see each other or not.

[AudiHax]

I'm sure if it's really meant to be then it will work out even if that means you will only see him next year.

 

But like I suggested before and you didn't answer me, why not stay at a hotel?

 

Because I don't want to spend my money on a hotel? I would rather sleep in his car. I'm not picky and I'm not one for needing a lot of comfort. If sleeping rough in a car for 2 weeks means that I get to physically be with my boyfriend, then that's what I'll do. I've already waited a year to see him. How do you expect somebody with so many feelings for someone to wait another whole year? This year has already been hard on me and I'm slowly losing my mind. I need to see him, if only for a couple of weeks. I'm sure you and mostly everybody on here sees their boyfriend at least once a year...

[LuckyCharm]

Because I don't want to spend my money on a hotel? I would rather sleep in his car. I'm not picky and I'm not one for needing a lot of comfort. If sleeping rough in a car for 2 weeks means that I get to physically be with my boyfriend, then that's what I'll do.

 

If I understand right then you do have the money but you just don't want to and you'd rather sleep in your bf's car? Is that HIS car that HE bought with his own money?

 

I've already waited a year to see him. How do you expect somebody with so many feelings for someone to wait another whole year? This year has already been hard on me and I'm slowly losing my mind. I need to see his him, if only for a couple of weeks. I'm sure you and mostly everybody on here sees their boyfriend at least once a year...

 

Have you tried in this case to talk to his mother again asking maybe if you come visit for a shorter time then would that be o.k?

No one said this is easy on you and I'm sure it's very hard but the part that I highlighted that you said your slowly losing your mind, I agree with you and I'm not saying this to be mean but to help you see this from an outsiders point of view cause you don't look like your thinking straightly.

If you go everything might turn out great but you need to think of the damage this might cause:

 

* you show up at his house and his mom is angry you came when she said no.

 

* what about putting your bf in an unpleasant situation of sleeping in his car.

 

* This also is very likely to cause tension in your bf and his mother's relationship that your bf might even consider breaking up.

 

Have you considered all of this?

Please don't take me the wrong way, I think it's great you have a bf and want to make things work but we can also mess up a lot of great relationships when it's not the right timing. Remember, his mother likes you all she's asking is that you don't visit now, I know it's hard but it needs to be respected.

[LittleTiger]

If you were trying to be sarcastic, you failed. One, you don't know anything about our feelings for each other, nor do you know anything about the respect that I have for other people. I have a lot of respect for people. But I just won't let other people's feelings and opinions get in the way of my own happiness. If my visit is what me and my boyfriend want, then why should I care at all about his mother's feelings? She's married and in love herself. Now it's my turn and I'm not going to let anybody ruin my chances of having a good future with the guy I fell in love with, no matter who that person may be.

 

I made the mistake of hiding my true feelings from my parents for a long time, in fear that they will be upset and unhappy about my choices. But I faced them and now I realize that this is my life, and neither my parents nor his parents will have an opinion in whether we should see each other or not.

 

Of course I know something about your feelings for each other. Do you really think you're the only two people who've ever been in love? Most of us on the LDR forum are very well aware of how difficult it is to be separated from the person you love for large chunks of time. It sucks and I, personally, wouldn't wish it on anyone. I feel very sorry for you actually - your situation is a very sad one.

 

However, you are coming across like a three year old child who is stamping her feet and screaming because 'mummy' (or in this case somebody else's mummy) won't let you play with your favourite toy. If you want to act like an adult and experience adult relationships then you need to start thinking like an adult, which means taking other people's opinions and feelings into consideration.

 

In mature, loving, adult friendships and relationships there are many times when you will have to put other people's feelings before your own. That's just life.

 

Why should you care about your bf's mother's opinion? I can't see the future of course but here's what is likely to happen if you do go:

 

How do you think your bf and his mother (and father if he's around) will feel if you turn up on the doorstep, after being asked not to, and have nowhere to stay? How uncomfortable a situation do you think that would be?

 

Imagine they won't let you in the house and you have to sleep in your bf's car (what does he think about this idea by the way?). Do you really think that won't have any effect on what happens to the family inside? Your future MIL will probably be feeling angry, shocked, stressed, guilty, pressurised, concerned for your comfort and safety etc. That's a nice thing to do to someone - especially the mother of someone you apparently love. Your bf will also be feeling stressed, miserable, guilty and worried about you.

 

If you're lucky, his mother will let you into the house, despite her feelings, because you will have coerced her into doing so and she feels she doesn't have a choice. She will then feel pressured into providing you with free board and lodgings for the duration of your stay - a warm cosy bed at night, a comfortable living room with entertainment in the evening, use of their toilet and washing facilities and probably also free food and drink - maybe even cooked and served for you!

 

She could very well resent every moment you are there. Not only will you be getting in the way of her son's studies but you're also an unwanted guest in her house. She will likely form an opinion that you are unbelievably selfish, self-centred, disrespectful, thoughtless and immature. She will probably be very angry with your bf too but, if she's a kind and thoughtful person, you won't know anything about her feelings until you get home and your bf tells you how upset she really was.

 

Obviously I could be completely wrong about all this and his mother could be a real sweetheart (pushover) who doesn't mind people using her and disrespecting her wishes and she may welcome you with open arms - but I think that's very unlikely. If I'm right though, what do you think that will do to your chances of seeing your bf more often or of you being accepted into his family further down the line?

 

If you have to go, then go, but do it properly. That means paying for your own accommodation (because you can obviously afford it) and let your bf come to you when he has time to spare away from his studies. His mother still won't be happy but at least then the decision is up to your bf whether he comes to see you or not. Doing anything else IS very disrespectful to both your bf and his mother.