His mom said no. Should I still go?

[AudiHax]

However, you are coming across like a three year old child who is stamping her feet and screaming because 'mummy' (or in this case somebody else's mummy) won't let you play with your favourite toy. If you want to act like an adult and experience adult relationships then you need to start thinking like an adult, which means taking other people's opinions and feelings into consideration.

 

In mature, loving, adult friendships and relationships there are many times when you will have to put other people's feelings before your own. That's just life.

 

An adult is exactly what I'm acting like. I'm in love with a guy for the past 6 years and am dying to see him. Why should I feel miserable and miss out on my only opportunity to see my boyfriend because his mother says so? I'm not going to live my life feeling miserable because I let someones mother tell me what I can and can't do.

 

 

How do you think your bf and his mother (and father if he's around) will feel if you turn up on the doorstep, after being asked not to, and have nowhere to stay? How uncomfortable a situation do you think that would be?

My boyfriend would be extremely happy to see me actually. It's been a year. He would welcome me with open arms, no matter what his mother thought. He loves me and wouldn't turn me away for nobody, least of all his mom.

 

If you're lucky, his mother will let you into the house, despite her feelings, because you will have coerced her into doing so and she feels she doesn't have a choice. She will then feel pressured into providing you with free board and lodgings for the duration of your stay - a warm cosy bed at night, a comfortable living room with entertainment in the evening, use of their toilet and washing facilities and probably also free food and drink - maybe even cooked and served for you!

Wrong, wrong and wrong. Every other time I have stayed in their house I gave his mother money for my stay. Enough to cover water, electricity and food bills that I used. And this visit would be no different. I'm well capable of paying for my stay and have no intentions of going in empty handed expecting to be given free everything.

 

She will likely form an opinion that you are unbelievably selfish, self-centred, disrespectful, thoughtless and immature.

Seems more like this is the opinion YOU have formed of me. Edited June 15, 2011 by AudiHax

[LuckyCharm]

I'm just wondering why you made this thread? You ASKED if you should still go and when everyone (but one) pointed out why you shouldn't go it doesn't look as if your considering what you have been advised. you are so dead set on going you don't seem to consider anyone's feelings in the matter.

 

What don't you understand when his mother asks you not to come?

 

LittleTiger is right, you are acting like a child who doesn't get what she wants, you think his mother is selfish by not letting you stay there but the fact is every other visit she welcomed you with open arms but now is not the right time to visit. so if you really can't resist your self, then go to a hotel, do not go to his house, don't sleep in his car (I doubt they would like you sleeping in the car out side their house!) or be any where near his home and let him come to you when he has a break from his studies. but you need to learn boundaries and respect because so far for a woman who has welcomed you in her home with open arms you sure seem to have no respect for her when this one time she says no, if you can't handle that then maybe you shouldn't be in a LDR and consider moving closer to him.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

when do you plan to see him? you said August is his time off...is there a chance you can move your visit on August so his mom would probably allow you to visit?

[LittleTiger]

An adult is exactly what I'm acting like. I'm in love with a guy for the past 6 years and am dying to see him. Why should I feel miserable and miss out on my only opportunity to see my boyfriend because his mother says so? I'm not going to live my life feeling miserable because I let someones mother tell me what I can and can't do.

 

That paragraph alone makes you sound like a lovesick, spoiled teenager who's used to getting her own way. If you could stop throwing a tantrum just for a minute and THINK about what you're intending to do, you might see things a little more clearly.

 

My boyfriend would be extremely happy to see me actually. It's been a year. He would welcome me with open arms, no matter what his mother thought. He loves me and wouldn't turn me away for nobody, least of all his mom.

 

Your bf 'would' be extremely happy? You mean he would be if you had told him? Have you actually discussed this little scenario with him? Have you told him you're coming anyway, despite what his mother said and that you're planning on sleeping in his car? Has he actually agreed with you that you should go regardless of what his mother thinks? I get the impression that you haven't even shared your 'plans' with him yet.

 

Wrong, wrong and wrong. Every other time I have stayed in their house I gave his mother money for my stay. Enough to cover water, electricity and food bills that I used. And this visit would be no different. I'm well capable of paying for my stay and have no intentions of going in empty handed expecting to be given free everything.

 

Well it's good that you're intending to pay your own way. However, that doesn't change how your bf and his mother will be affected if you go, or the fact that you will be imposing on her hospitality when, not only have you not been invited, but you have been clearly told not to go. You will not be welcome - doesn't that mean anything to you?

 

Imagine an acquaintance of yours, someone you quite liked but didn't know well, turned up on your doorstep, stuck their foot in your door and insisted on staying in your house (or even in your bedroom as you don't own a house) for two weeks, regardless of your opinion on the matter. Do you think you would feel any better about it if they paid you before they left? Would you ever invite them to your house again?

 

By turning up on their doorstep and sleeping in a car outside, you're effectively sticking your foot in the door of your bf's parents house. Why don't you just ask your bf to get a key made for you so you can come and go as you please?

 

Seems more like this is the opinion YOU have formed of me.

 

Absolutely right that's the opinion I have formed of you.

 

I'm guessing I'm a similar age to your bf's mother. If he was my son, that is very definitely the opinion I would form of you if you turned up when I had quite explicity said that you shouldn't.

 

If you can't see how wrong this is then you do, indeed, have some serious growing up to do.

[AudiHax]

That paragraph alone makes you sound like a lovesick, spoiled teenager who's used to getting her own way. If you could stop throwing a tantrum just for a minute and THINK about what you're intending to do, you might see things a little more clearly.

 

Wrong. I've thought about everything that I'm doing. I'm going with my heart. I could be dead tomorrow. I live for the moment and will go and see the person I love if I so well please. If that's something only a "teenager" would do, then I guess teenagers have more sense and feelings than middle aged adults. (you)

 

 

 

Your bf 'would' be extremely happy? You mean he would be if you had told him? Have you actually discussed this little scenario with him? Have you told him you're coming anyway, despite what his mother said and that you're planning on sleeping in his car? Has he actually agreed with you that you should go regardless of what his mother thinks? I get the impression that you haven't even shared your 'plans' with him yet.

Then your impression is wrong, again, because I have discussed every detail with my boyfriend. He has no problem with me coming, or sleeping in his car if I had to. In fact, he wants me to come so much that he said we could go camping for the two weeks that I'm there.

 

Well it's good that you're intending to pay your own way. However, that doesn't change how your bf and his mother will be affected if you go, or the fact that you will be imposing on her hospitality when, not only have you not been invited, but you have been clearly told not to go. You will not be welcome - doesn't that mean anything to you?

When did I say I would show up and beg his mother to let me stay? Nowhere did that even cross my mind. I am going to see my boyfriend and full aware of his mother's response to allowing me to stay in the house. That doesn't mean I can't go freely into the country and knock on the door. As long as I'm not inviting myself in or making her feel as though she has to, then I'm doing absolutely nothing wrong.

 

Imagine an acquaintance of yours, someone you quite liked but didn't know well, turned up on your doorstep, stuck their foot in your door and insisted on staying in your house (or even in your bedroom as you don't own a house) for two weeks, regardless of your opinion on the matter. Do you think you would feel any better about it if they paid you before they left? Would you ever invite them to your house again?

Irrelevant. *snooze*

 

By turning up on their doorstep and sleeping in a car outside, you're effectively sticking your foot in the door of your bf's parents house. Why don't you just ask your bf to get a key made for you so you can come and go as you please?

Are you trying your hand at sarcasm? You failed. Wrong again because my boyfriend's car is not outside of his house. In fact, it's not even on his mother's property.

 

 

 

Absolutely right that's the opinion I have formed of you.

Then you don't even want to know the opinion that I have formed of you...

 

I'm guessing I'm a similar age to your bf's mother. If he was my son, that is very definitely the opinion I would form of you if you turned up when I had quite explicity said that you shouldn't.

Well he's not your son, thank God for that.

 

If you can't see how wrong this is then you do, indeed, have some serious growing up to do.

Or maybe you have some feelings to acquire, because clearly you lack the ability to know what love does to a person and know what they're willing to do for it.

[LittleTiger]

Throughout this thread I have talked to you as though you're a teenager, because that is how you come across. If you want other's to treat you as an adult, the best way to do that is to start acting like one......which means 'thinking' sometimes has to come before 'feeling'. It isn't fun but it is a necessity.

 

You asked a question and raised a discussion on a public message board. I've given you my opinion. If you choose to ignore it, that's up to you.

 

One day you will realise that loving another person is not all about you and what you want.

 

To love another human being means doing what is best for them - regardless of how awful that might feel to you.

 

To act like a mature adult, means considering how your actions will affect other people. Unfortunately some people never learn that - for your sake I hope you're not one of them.

 

Assuming you're actually in your 20s (rather than a teenager), you do have a right to make your own decisions, provided they don't impact in a bad way on others. Which means, if your bf believes he can spare the time from his studies to go camping for two weeks, then do it. You don't need anyone's permission to do that. That is a massively different scenario to the one you have been talking about up to now!

 

What I really don't get is, if you two love each other so much that it's too much to bear being part (which I do understand, whatever you might believe), and you are both old enough to stand on your own two feet - why are you letting anything stand in the way of you being together?

 

Neither of you have property, jobs or established careers, or children to get in the way. If you want each other so badly - make it happen - life is short!

Edited June 16, 2011 by LittleTiger

[Yzori]

Firstly I want to say that I'd agree with all the things LittleTiger said. I also think the way the OP is presenting herself is egocentric, immature and selfish. If you really think that you're acting like an adult then god bless you.

 

I actually think you're not seeing that LittleTiger is having the best of interest with you, he/she is trying to help you to NOT ruin this relationship. What you're planning to do is must likely going to be your own grave in this relationship.

 

In a long-distance relationship it's not always about what YOU want, but the surroundings of you both are a huge influence on if it may work out or not. Don't you realise what the consequences are for the future? If you intend to stay with this guy then you should definitely respect his mothers wish.

 

I don't think you realise how awkward the tension will be if you you go his house. Your boyfriend will be surely put under a lot of pressure because of you. Resulting in that he can't focus on his studies at all. All because of you. He'll start to doubt this relationship because he doesn't sees a way how this might work out on the long-run.

 

You shoudn't go to see him, period. If you want to see him so badly then I am quite sure you two will be able to figure something out before next summer.

[Intergalactic]

i'm actually shocked at your attitude in this thread, and i'm not old - i'm 23, so probably around your age! i seriously don't understand how you can't see that if you go, regardless of what his mother has said, you will ruin your relationship with her (probably for good), and you will put everybody under a lot of stress.

 

and if you go camping for two weeks with your boyfriend, then YES, you WILL be distracting him from his studies. and if he then does badly in exams or whatever it is he has coming up, who will his mother resent? YOU. yes, the blame would be shared between you and your boyfriend, but she will only be able to see that if you had abided by her wishes, he might have done better.

 

honestly, i thought you sounded like an immature teenager in this thread... kind of like how i sounded when i was 15! indignant, selfish and oblivious to anybody else's wants, needs or desires other than your own.

 

my advice? he lives under his mother's roof, she provides his food, shelter, education and whatever else. if she says now is not a good time, do not go. you will regret it.

you need to look at what is a better time to go and work out if you can go then, or ask if maybe a shorter amount of time would be better if you can only go now. why is that you can't go at any other time? i'm a university student also, and i know that there are a number of holidays throughout the year that would probably be a more suitable time.

 

and before you say i don't understand how you feel - i do. when i was with my ex, we were long distance, in separate countries, for a long time and it was HARD. but i would NEVER have dreamed of going over there without his parents' consent when he lived with them. that is painfully rude, if anybody did that to me, i'd break up with them.

Edited June 16, 2011 by Intergalactic

[interfuse]

I wouldn't really call you selfish because I get what you're saying, but I highly recommend you not go there when his mom said no. If you might be selfish, then his mom might be as selfish well since she's not letting you go. I think that would be a very bad idea; she might just angry at you and his son and it'll just create drama-just my opinion.

 

Is there anyway you can visit him besides this summer? Fall, winter, or next spring? Why can't you visit him those times? Can you stay at his friend's house if his mom let you go visit him like that? Or stay at a hotel... I think these may be better options if his mom is okay with them.

 

Good luck.

[AudiHax]

i'm actually shocked at your attitude in this thread, and i'm not old - i'm 23, so probably around your age! i seriously don't understand how you can't see that if you go, regardless of what his mother has said, you will ruin your relationship with her (probably for good), and you will put everybody under a lot of stress.

 

and if you go camping for two weeks with your boyfriend, then YES, you WILL be distracting him from his studies. and if he then does badly in exams or whatever it is he has coming up, who will his mother resent? YOU. yes, the blame would be shared between you and your boyfriend, but she will only be able to see that if you had abided by her wishes, he might have done better.

 

honestly, i thought you sounded like an immature teenager in this thread... kind of like how i sounded when i was 15! indignant, selfish and oblivious to anybody else's wants, needs or desires other than your own.

 

my advice? he lives under his mother's roof, she provides his food, shelter, education and whatever else. if she says now is not a good time, do not go. you will regret it.

you need to look at what is a better time to go and work out if you can go then, or ask if maybe a shorter amount of time would be better if you can only go now. why is that you can't go at any other time? i'm a university student also, and i know that there are a number of holidays throughout the year that would probably be a more suitable time.

 

and before you say i don't understand how you feel - i do. when i was with my ex, we were long distance, in separate countries, for a long time and it was HARD. but i would NEVER have dreamed of going over there without his parents' consent when he lived with them. that is painfully rude, if anybody did that to me, i'd break up with them.

 

Luckily I'm not taking your advice then, otherwise I'd end up like you.

[AudiHax]

You asked a question and raised a discussion on a public message board. I've given you my opinion. If you choose to ignore it, that's up to you.

 

Yeah, you did give your opinion THE FIRST TIME. You didn't need to retaliate to everything I said after that, because that was then MY opinion.

 

One day you will realise that loving another person is not all about you and what you want.

The only two people that matter in my relationship is me and the person I am with. If I cared about what anyone else thought about us, then we wouldn't have gotten very far. The fact I listened to my own heart, is the reason we are still together, 6 years on.

 

To love another human being means doing what is best for them - regardless of how awful that might feel to you.

He wants to see me just as much as I want to go. So yes, it is best for him because he does not care what his mother thinks. That is HIS choice.

 

Which means, if your bf believes he can spare the time from his studies to go camping for two weeks, then do it. You don't need anyone's permission to do that. That is a massively different scenario to the one you have been talking about up to now!

It wouldn't be regular camping like you know it. It would just be using a tent to stay and sleep in. (rather than the car)

 

What I really don't get is, if you two love each other so much that it's too much to bear being part (which I do understand, whatever you might believe), and you are both old enough to stand on your own two feet - why are you letting anything stand in the way of you being together?

Because we are both attending college and I cannot afford the huge college costs in the US. Plus, the fact it's so difficult to get a US visa, it's not like I can just move there whenever I want.

[Els]

Could he not get a friend to let you bunk in? Then you could go, he could come visit you for a few hours a day and spend the rest studying. Doesn't sound too unrealistic. How about a backpackers'? Those typically cost much less than a hotel, and often offer discounts if you are staying for several weeks.

 

You should definitely not turn up at his mom's house uninvited, but it seems to me there are quite a few alternatives if you want to do it.

 

All this is assuming your bf doesn't actually need to study 12+ hours a day for his exams though. If he does, I agree that it would be best you not show up at all.

[LittleTiger]

If your bf doesn't care what his mother thinks either then it seems you two are made for each other - what a delightful couple!

 

Funny thing is - I think what you've said in this thread is all bravado. Why? Because, as an LS friend of mine pointed out to me this morning, you were very concerned about upsetting your own parents by going to visit your bf - you even posted a thread about it recently, where you asked for advice on how to broach the subject because you 'don't want to hurt them'. Good to know you do have a conscience after all.

 

So are you absolutely sure you really don't care what your bf's mother thinks? I suspect you care rather more than you're prepared to admit.

 

I hope you have a lovely time in the tent, wherever you decide to pitch it, though hopefully not in his mother's garden!

[LuckyCharm]

Luckily I'm not taking your advice then, otherwise I'd end up like you.

 

You need to stop being mean to people!! After all YOU made this thread ASKING for advice! don't go putting other people down because you don't like their answers!

 

 

I hope you have a lovely time in the tent, wherever you decide to pitch it, though hopefully not in his mother's garden!

 

LOL!!!

[Intergalactic]

Luckily I'm not taking your advice then, otherwise I'd end up like you.

 

lol... we split up years later due to completely unrelated circumstances and by that time, we had been living together for some time.

 

you need to chill out. you had your mind made up already, came here asking for advice and when everyone unanimously pointed out that it was a BAD IDEA, you started getting bitchy and sour because you wanted to do it. in reality, you came here to be validated in your decision, and when you weren't, you got pissy.

 

so go if that's what you're gonna do. have fun in your tent, but when you piss everyone off and are no longer welcome in the future, don't start crying about it.

[TearyEyedPride]

NOOOOOO. Definitely do not just show up. That would be so disrespectful. I'd try to ask her myself personally, and please my case. See if you guys can work it out. If she still says no... then I'd wait.

[Rosebud3]

Unlike these other people on here who obviously has it so easy, with no problems when to see their SO.

Really??? Are you kidding me? Everyone in a long-distance relationship has obstacles to get through.

[NonyaB]

If your parents would have said 'no you can't go to visit your bf' would you still be booking a flight?

 

I didn't read the whole previous thread but I did read one post where you stated that your parents opinion meant a lot to you, and you wanted to respect them and their opinion which is why you wanted to ask them before going.

 

No his mother is not YOUR mother, but her opinion should also be respected and since he lives with her and if you want to get along with her to avoid any problems (now and in the future) then her opinion should matter and be respected.

 

I can tell you are very committed into making this trip because you haven't seen him for a while and as you've mentioned if you don't go now you have a long time to wait until you see him again. So yes, I get it, you don't want to miss what seems like the only opportunity you have to be able to see him.

 

You are getting too defensive with people on here who are just responding to a question you asked, obviously we can't all agree with each other and there are going to be opinions and advice given that you may not like but you have to remember that you are the one that asked for these advice/opinions.

 

Don't just think about how much you want to go see him, but also think about what may happen after you leave.

 

At the end of the day you seem to have made up your mind about what you are going to do before even posting this thread, which is fine, if you want to go then no one can stop you but just as most of the other posters are saying, be prepared for the consequences.

 

I don't think there is anything else to say as you seem to have made your mind up so if you have or are going to be booking your flight anyways, I hope that when the time comes, you have a good time with your bf.