Need Advise - Ex problems

[supermom]

I am so angry and need advise....

 

My Ex-Husband and I were friends, but I am more friends with his wife and my husband now and ex are friends, it just makes things easier.

 

His wife and I have been going out to the bar once in awhile as we are both working moms and wives (her and my ex have 2 kids, me and my now husband have one, ex and I never had kids). My ex husband has a big control issue. When we were married he didn't like for me to hang out w/ friends, didn't want me wearing certain clothes, etc... Since the divorce we have talked and he apologized for being so controlling. I just told him I forgave him, but because I like his wife and we are friends, I told him just correct it with her.

 

Well Its like a huge deal for her to go out. My husband and I don't put curfews on each other because we don't abuse it. We look at it as we are adults and we trust each other. I refuse now to let a man tell me what to do because of my ex, and I feel I landed the jackpot w/ my current husband and he is also a good father to our daughter.

 

The first time we went out, she had a curfew of 1200 midnight. Well that means we'd have to leave around 1100 because of drive time and going slow, sobering up, etc. Well she ended up getting home at 2am. My husband didn't care when I got home, but my ex was pissed at her (and me) because he knows I have more freedom now and she didn't "obey him". crock of sh*t

 

The second time he gave her an "extension" of leaving at midnight. ohhh big deal but i thought it was better. she got home 30 mins later, all was perfect.

 

We went out last night. She told me she has to tell him i "just showed up" because he doesn't want us to go out together. Now, all this time I thought we were friends. His wife calls me and invites me to go out. She says she doesn't care what he says about it, that she wants us to be friends.

 

Now, my husband thinks that maybe my ex is jealous because he knows the freedom I have and is afraid it'll rub off on her. (whatever)

 

I would never do anything to hurt their marriage. I am fond of their kids and his wife and I have become real good friends.

 

On the other hand, I am not in highschool and I don't want to sneak around to be friends. Also it's almost like he's dragging me into this controlling issue. He's controlling our friendship. When I call for her though, he's all nice, asking about my daughter and chatting with me on the phone. My husband was sitting next to me so it was okay.

 

Should I just back off alltogether? She doesn't want me confronting him about the issue. I just remember how his controlling ended up making me dislike him and eventually lead to our divorce.

 

It also sucks because I have to bit my tounge whenever she tells me about he having to argue to go out, etc...I have lingering anger when I hear this crap because that was my life for 3 years and my first marriage (married at 19)

 

comments/suggestions are welcomed

[Arabess]

I don't think you should absorb her problems. She is an adult and needs to make her own decisions. YOU got rid of the clingy SOB and so can she.

[luvcrazy02]

Tell your ex to go screw himself. If she doesn't want you confronting him, then tell her to. And if she won't, you have to options...hang out anyway and don't care what he thinks, or stop being friends. It's up to you and no one else can make that decision for you.

[supermom]

I need to correct something - I noticed it posted in the infidelity forum, which shouldnt be. They should make a forum called "dumb ass men"

[supermom]

she won't divorce him which is not what i would want anyway. i just feel sorry for her because i know the life

[Fedup&givingup]

This sounds like a mess to me. Being that good of friends with your ex's wife is a strange concept to me, altogether. I think you are putting yourself in a sticky situation right there, and you should expect to be intertwined with him as a result of this. You knew he wasn't going to change, so why bother dealing with him in this way, via his new wife?

 

I think it's great for a situation when there are children involved, and all parties can be civil to one another. It's taking things to a whole different level when you are going out and hanging out with your ex's significant other/spouse while they are currently very involved with each other.

 

Utlimately, don't expect much to change in this situation. I see that you are STILL dealing with your ex and his control issues, which is what brought you to divorce him in the first place. This is completely your decision.

[supermom]

I see what you are saying. The hanging out part though is completely innocent, nothing to do with the ex. We all went to highschool together and we were friends before i even married him. We (his wife and me) feel there is nothing wrong with it if we truely like each other.

 

I look at her as my friend and my ex as HER husband. At first there were no issues but now all the sudden?

 

Also my ex has told me several times he know he has a prob and want to change. Infact, the first time me and his wife went out, he called me and ASKED me to take her out to show her he can change.

 

Then it backfired on him (and me?) because he didn't show her he could change, just that he has a control issue.

 

I know this situation, us all being friends, is weird. My ex and I never had kids and parted as friends so we all thought this was okay. His wife and I have a separate friendship and it just sucks that her husband is this way.

 

I think I may just back off. I like her alot so if she calls me I may hang out, but calling her, I don't know, he's so two faced when I'm on the phone which just makes the situation more messed up.

[Fedup&givingup]

Ok, ok, ok...I didn't know that you were already aquainted with each other. That does put a different spin on things, but not completely.

 

There is a marriage that is being involved in this. I'm GLAD to hear you say that you are completely detached from your husband, etc.

 

I sincerely do think for the time being that just hanging out with your friend (your ex's wife) might be OK, while they work out their own issues. You do NOT want to be put in the middle of that, as you already got out from being involved in it yourself.

 

You're on the right track, and I wish you luck

[supermom]

thanks for your reply!

 

I am completely detached from my ex. although i do care if he lives or dies, i don't want to get involved. there have been times he's tried to tell me stuff and i just say "it's non of my business".

 

the bottom line , all i want out of this is to keep my friend and not have issues w/ my ex. i have told him before..."i don't really think of you as my ex , but as her husband". i am soooo past all of this. he is immature, and my husband is mature, and i've known my now hubby for 10 years, which is longer than any of my friends anyway.

 

i know it looks like i'm getting involved, but that's the LAST thing i want to do. I already know no matter what you say, this dude will not change.

 

i'm more mad that i was backstabbed by my so called friend, and i guess you really can't be friends w/ exs. (An ex is an ex for a reason is my philosophy).

 

and i am a very forgiving person anyway. i mean, look at my situation, hanging out w/ ex's wife, but the reason i do is because we genuinely like each other, nothing else. i don't care if they cheated when we were married, (no proof, some signs, but not worth worrying about now) sooo in the past and i upgraded anyway, so i am a happy woman, it's just, same sh*t, different day i guess. i'm done talking to him. i'll be nice and cordial, but i will not let him choose my friends. i just think she did me a favor.

 

well maybe its just that this situation is really wierd as i do not know anyone else in a simular one.

 

i also think as long as MY husband approves than its okay. we don't put "rules" on each other but still voice and discuss opinions when needed. its a pretty awesome marriage.

 

thanks for your advises. i think i know what to do...back off and let her come to me (or call me herself)

 

i've also told her to not tell me stuff because of the situation with me being the ex wife, i do not have any unbiased opinions to help her anyway.

 

thanks!

[bluechocolate]

Are you talking about partners here or parents? What is this curfew business? I find it extremely bizarre that anyone should tell their partner what time they have to be home. You lived it so you would know better than I.

 

You were friends before you divorced and she married your ex - so I take it she knew what you were going through and yet she went ahead and married him. What is that about? Did she think she could change him? Or that he would treat her differently then he did you?

 

If she doesn't want you to confront her husband about this then you should honour her wishes. You can be there for her but I don't think you should take that to the point where you're speaking on her behalf to her husband.

 

I think you should back off a bit as you said, either that or make plans to go out but bring along another friend whose parent/partner doesn't impose a curfew. That way when your friend has to go home you can stay out and when she divorces him you can all have a big party and stay out all night.

[supermom]

super idea! i know they wont divorce. she wasnt that much in the picture when me and my ex were married to see, but she sure does now! i don't really wish that they do either.

 

i won't speak to him about this prob. even if i did, i wouldn't speak for her, just for myself as to why he has such a problem. i think what it is is that i do have freedom and he doesn't like that. i think he's afraid i'll show her a good time (haha). i would never try to do anything to hurt their marriage. i just think she should have fun. she's a hard working mom and wife and she (like all) deserves it.

 

my husand and i both agree about the curfew business. i was done with that when i moved out of my parents house until i married the first jerk. i tell you, i am sooooo thankful my husband now is so cool.

 

my ex is just stupid and ignorant, that's all.

 

thanks