Learn to forgive or just forget?

[constantlywondering]

I am having a lot of troubles in my marriage, as well as I cant seem to forgive.

 

Backtrack one month, we both went out for drinks with my coworkers (i had to force him to come out.) I got a bit upset over the fact his iphone was out 4-5 times in the night, eventhough I asked him not to take it out. I would have understood if it was for some emergency purposes or if work called him. It had nothing to do with it, he just wanted to play on the apps.

We fought a little bit that night, he shook me up because he said that I am a bitch and he cant seem to do anything right by me and all I do is complain. Then he started to shake me around in the car. That was my last straw so I started yelling at him at the top of my lungs and I swore and I feel ashamed but I started to shake him up as well. (mind you he is huge, but i can be tough sometimes.)

He ripped my sweater, and told me to get out of the car, I did, and he just drove off. I was so sick of him always walking away from all responsibilities and then coming home 3-4 hrs later. Since we only have one car, I called my best friend and told her the situation plus I had an intuition he was at the STRIP CLUB, just a gut feeling. So we both went to check it out AND LOW AND BEHOLD THERE WAS MY HUSBAND SITTING WITH 2 STRIPPERS. (now this strip club is grunge, they are whores basically, and I did it make it clear to him before he cannot go there.)

 

fastforward the name calling, he told me he went THERE OUT OF FRUSTRATION WITH ME AND TO HURT ME. I left him for 3 days, he came back and said sorry but then a HUGE WHAMMY he said he doesnt like me anymore and doesnt care about me, but yet he loves me.

 

This all actually happened at the end of april, so its been a mth and a half. I cant seem to forgive him. To make matters worse, I have lost 2 pregnancies have been in the hospital both times in the past 6 mths.

 

The reason why I am posting this, is because I dont know what to do. I dislike him with all my heart somedays.

Also I posted another question awhile ago about him not doing any work in the house so I ACTUALLY STOPPED doing housework and my house is a pig sty because my husband has not done anything. All he wants to do is eat, work, and sleep oh and of course watch TV. Our sex life is diminishing, because I am not the one initiating it.

 

I dont know what to do anymore. Somedays I just HATE HIM, yet I am with him because I do love him because he is my husband and I cant seem to forgive him for going to a strip club out of frustration and for him to accuse me of complaining and the fact that he doesnt like me.

 

All I think is why should I do anything for you, when you have hurt me constantly you are never there for me, and you dont do anything to change.

 

Am I wrong?

[TigerCub]

I'm sorry that you're hurting, and I'm sorry if the following advice seems rather quick and may not be helpful to you.

 

Maybe I'm a quick giver upper when it comes to relationships sometimes, but from everything you said, why stay?

 

this guy shook you and ripped your sweater

 

he left you on the street and drove off

 

he goes to strippers to get back at you when he's upset - who's to say that he wont sleep with someone else and use that same excuse (if he hasn't already)?

 

He doesn't help you around the house

 

You don't really have intimacy or any kind of good sex life (from what you're implying)

 

He doesn't respect you

 

He's childish

 

and most importantly:

He actually said that he doesn't like you!! What more do you need?

You're asking if you can forgive him, he's not asking you for his forgiveness. Sure he said he's sorry, but it sounds like an empty apology.

 

I understand that you love him, but if you leave him, chances are you'll find someone else and find love once again - and hopefully next time, the guy will actually be worthy of it.

[WhisperinnWinds]

He's verbally and emotionally abusive. Somebody already outlined all of the things that he did. It speaks volumes about his emotional maturity that he went to a strip club just to hurt you, then told you he didn't care about you. All of his behaviors say that he doesn't care about you - he treats you like an object.

 

Have you confronted him directly about the housework and your explicit needs from him (i.e., 'I want you to sweep or vacuum two times a week')? If not, the house thing may go unnoticed - men are incredibly dense sometimes about that sort of thing. Mine doesn't seem to notice, either.

 

But all of his behaviors are what's most disconcerting. At best he needs counseling to get a grip on his behavior. Later on, when he does some more healing, maybe you both need marriage counseling. But my instinctive feeling is for you to get out of the relationship. He's shaking you around. What if that one day escalates into punching, hitting, something else? I'm not the 'slippery slope' type of person, but he's already added a physical element (shaking) to your arguments. It wouldn't be shocking if the physical progresses.

[vsmini]

I hope you're not staying with this A**hole and excusing his deplorable behavior because you think that is what love is. Because it's not. Whatever you two have going on is not love. Not on his end. Why are you with a guy that does this?

[Mauschen]

Sounds like my ex-Husband....he only got MUCH worse after having children. Cut your losses and get out while you have no ties to him (children). Having children with someone like your husband is NOT fun. My ex verbally and physically abuses our 2 children and there is little I am able to do about it since it does not meet the state threshold for child abuse (he doesn't leave marks on them). I know my point of view might be skewed, but there are plenty of men that won't ignore you, physically abuse you, or leave you stranded on the street unconcerned with your well-being while he visits whores.

[constantlywondering]

I should just clarify, sorry if I gave the wrong idea. He left me in the parking lot of our apartment building. So he did not just leave me on the streets.

 

As to why I am staying with him, I dont know. I think its because when we first met I thought of him as my knight in shining armor, because I didnt know anything about love. I didnt believe in it, and then he came along and tore down my walls he was so sweet and charming. All that is gone now.

 

Also I feel it is my fault, I have stopped caring about my appearance, because I feel there is no point, I dont get appreciated by him. I have a bad temper so maybe that also just drove him away.

I have told him that I would like to have certain things done in the house, but he doesnt listen.

[Fool for Love]

Sorry for your misery. I am in a similar situation with a partner who doesn't help around the house and treats me with disrespect. Like you, I also question my behavior: What did I do to make him dislike me? Is this how normal relationships work? Am I an idiot for staying with him?

 

There is a humorous comic strip in which a man in too-tight pants stands in front of a mirror and says, "These pants have shrunk." In the next panel, his wife, also wearing pants that are too small, says, "I need to lose weight."

 

That's how we women can be. We blame ourselves first. You and I have low self-esteem. If you want to stay married to this jerk, you need to let him know you value yourself. However, I don't know how to do that myself--that's why I asked for help on another thread. So I'm not much help. But I wanted you to know you are not alone.