The Engagement that never seems to come

[WhisperinnWinds]

I realize this may not be the best place for this thread, but after a cursory look at the posts, it looked to be about the best option. My partner and I have been going out for nearly 3 years - he's in his late 20s and I'm pushing my mid-20s. Both of us are college educated and have jobs, although mine is not yet full-time. We've been living together for about 4 months.

 

I realize there's a very split group on here of people who are rather anti-marriage and who auto-respond to any concern about engagement with, "Why do you have to be married?" "Can you truly love him if you're only in it for the marriage?"

 

I'm not religious, but I would like to have a family someday - and I don't want to have one outside of marriage. Although there are other legal avenues to secure rights, marriage ensures that I am his next-of-kin and that, if there's an emergency, I won't be shut out of inheriting his property/planning his funeral/helping in medical emergencies. Obviously, upon retirement, there's also getting benefits from his job, health insurance, etc.

 

I watched a relative fight to be able to do something for the funeral of her boyfriend of 25 years. Another friend's husband died after 30 years together and she inherited nothing - thankfully, her adult kids gave her the house.

 

Then there's the emotional aspect - agreeing and going through a marriage shows me that the person is so confident in the relationship as to risk divorce - possibly a nasty and costly separation down the road. It shows me that they're interested in me and proud enough of me to display me and our marriage to our family and friends.

 

To me, that says more than living together for life. It shows that he is concerned enough about our well-being, and about mine, to ensure that I get the benefits and privileges afforded to him by his job (he's got EXCELLENT benefits at his job - the perks of working for a university).

 

We started discussing marriage after a year together. When we moved in together, we agreed that no more than a year would pass before we would do something - i.e., get engaged. He's really throwing me for a loop because he'll discuss children, for example - the other day, he mentioned that he could see himself having a child "in the next 2 or 2 1/2 years" because he doesn't want to be "too old" when we have kids.

 

We share a computer - to my chagrin, I have not seen anything related to weddings or marriage in our search history (unless it's something from me). He works with computers and gets most of his information from them, so I suspect that would be his first line of research when it comes to an engagement. Moreover, he's rather absent-minded at times...so I doubt he'd have the mind to delete any history that might tip me off.

 

I'm not a child who's crying because all of her friends are getting engaged and in a much shorter time than we are, wah. I have practical and legitimate reasons for wanting to marry him. I know him well enough to know I've found what I want, we get on well, we share many of the same values, we can actually live together, and we love each other.

 

He has been more affectionate and more outspoken about his love lately - not to mention more helpful around the house. Still, the fact that he rarely brings it up leaves me wondering if he's even seriously thinking about it at this point, or if it's just a temporary stop in his thoughts. When I ask him, he seems to indicate that it's an infrequent thought - although he emphasizes during those discussions that he does want to marry me and he believes I'm the person for him.

 

I realize the next band of criticisms will come from people who blast, "You're still young, it's fine." While that's true...it often seems to be used to legitimize staying for 3, 4, 5, or 7 years in a relationship where a married life and children seems increasingly unlikely. Just because you're young doesn't mean you should waste your time, either. Of course, it also doesn't mean that after a year you should expect a ring and a happily-ever-after pronto. There's a fine line and healthy balance there somewhere.

 

It can take years of dating - or years of dry spells - before you find a person with whom you wish to and can settle down. If he's not willing to marry, or if he puts off the discussion...or if you never get an answer after years together, at some point you have to decide if it's time to move on. While I love my boyfriend, and certainly I'd like to have a family with him, I am not going to stay with him for 5 years waiting for an engagement. We're older and settled. We weren't teenagers when we started dating.

 

I'm not the type of person who's going to tell him, "At four years, I'm breaking up with you." I have set a rough deadline in my head - at which point I'm just going to leave. I don't feel the need to try and force or pressure him into marrying me. I rarely bring it up (maybe once a month). Or sometimes we get into the discussion because we're talking about somebody else's wedding.

 

But no person is worth spending all of my time, waiting and waiting. If a person doesn't know by 3 years, I think the likelihood that it's going to happen will plummet (I've read/seen studies that back that up, too). It would be different if we were younger, not financially settled, etc., but we are.

 

My feeling is that dating isn't meant to be a permanent pitstop, although nowadays people often use it that way. Now that I am so certain of my feelings for him, I find myself getting impatient and eager. He has already said that he would be 'embarrassed' if I were to propose to him - otherwise I probably would at this point. I am tired of all of this momentum, these changes in behavior, this excitement and zeal between us to spend the rest of our lives together - and then nothing.

 

It's like someone's repeatedly saying to me, "You wanna watch this porn video?" When I give an emphatic, "Yes!" they giggle and say, "Okay, maybe some other time!"

 

Now that we're about 1/3rd of the way through the time limit we both suggested and agreed upon, I have opened the discussion floor a few times and asked him how the process is going. The answer is almost always, "I intend to marry you and I won't make you wait forever." He always insisted that he could 'never' see it taking him that long to make a decision in the past, and that he was certain he'd know 'very quickly' when it was time once we moved in together.

 

On the surface, people now say he seems much more interested in marriage than I do.

 

Anyway, after a long diatribe: did any of you notice a change in your boyfriend's behavior before he proposed - what did he do? Did he try to cover it up from you (How)? Were you in a position where it felt like he was stalling for time - or not even planning on proposing?

 

I'm sure part of my anxiety is that I already moved in (spare me the 'why buy the cow...' lines. Who hasn't heard that one a million times?), so I automatically worry that was his method of prolonging getting engaged or married. It often seems that on these sites and others I go to, the people who are waiting for years are often the ones who moved in. And here I thought I would make myself more certain of wanting to marry him (I did) - instead maybe I've shot myself in the foot.

[Kivu]

Next time you open the floor, give him a date ("I think we should get married March 14th because it's Steak and Blowjob day!"). Tell him that you've looked at venues ("We could have the reception in my parents' backyard, they say it's free"). Ask him if that's okay ("If that's fine with you I'll put it in motion"). Sometimes the guy is perfectly happy about getting married but doesn't have the drive to do one of those huge proposals. If you are waiting for a huge romantic proposal you may be disappointed. Better to just schedule the wedding

[WhisperinnWinds]

A month or so ago, I started making more comments on weddings I've been to. "This community center actually looks like a palace. The wedding I went to for x and x was really nice there. I think it'd be a great place for a wedding reception."

 

These comments are not rejected as they very likely would have been in the past, but that's usually as far as the discussion goes. He looks around uncomfortably for a few seconds, then he usually changes the subject. Sometimes he surprises me by bringing up something else wedding-related.

 

I suspect maybe some of his hesitance may be because of our differing views on the wedding day itself - I want to elope. He wants the traditional whole nine yards. You wouldn't think this is the case, but it is. I'm willing to flex...but I'm not thrilled about having an actual wedding.

 

 

He's not the romantic type to begin with - so I suspect there will be disappointment. While I wouldn't TELL him that he's not romantic (I'm...pretty sure he already knows), maybe that's what's stalling him too. Maybe he feels pressured to do something huge in that regard. But how the heck do you approach that? "Hey, are you worried about giving me a big stupid crappy proposal?"

[Mauschen]

I think you seem very intelligent and mature, and you know what you want.

 

If you weren't already living with your boyfriend, I would have suggested you keep it that way until at least a ring is on your finger and a date is set. I've noticed that with my friends, their boyfriends are more likely to propose if something will change for them (i.e. their girlfriend will then live with them after engagement or marriage).

 

Your boyfriend might have everything he desires right now and may not be in much of a hurry to marry. But the fact that he has been more affectionate and more helpful around the house are great signs.

[WhisperinnWinds]

I can't disagree with you. I felt, prior to moving in, I was balancing two sides: the urge to move in and be more certain before I got engaged or married, and the urge to not just 'make it easy' for him. In the end the former won out. I think it has convinced me that this is good for me - but, on the downside, yes, I'm sure he's all fine with the establishment as it is. He was adamant beforehand, however, that he wouldn't propose to a woman if he didn't live with her first. I guess he won out.

 

If ever I'm in the same situation, (which hopefully is a 'no,' as ideally he'll be proposing relatively soon or start showing more indications he's about to) I'll never live with someone before an engagement or marriage again. Not that I think that men are evil get-you-to-live-with-them-without-legal-commitment type monsters, but I think it's easy for anyone to fall into complacency and then just not do anything to change it.

 

Our lease is up next February (about 3 1/2 years into our relationship). The house discussion still leaves me nervous because I know that a purchase like that will likely mean a wedding/engagement are pushed further off.

 

He talks about the house and us living there together frequently, and wanting to be certain that I like it - but I have decided I'm definitely not moving into another place with him without an engagement. Part of me even thinks about refusing to go with him to look - if I know I won't move in without an engagement, what's the point?

 

When I ask about the affection or help -i.e., "You're really helping out with the dishes/laundry/etc. tonight. I'm not mad at you, you know." I present it as a joke - after all, he does seem to help out more when he thinks I'm angry. Heh heh. His answer is often just, "You do almost everything around the house - I can do some stuff on my own around here."

 

Is 3 1/2 years a reasonable deadline? He knows my desires, including timeline, about marriage. It shouldn't come as a shock to him.

 

Could the interest in buying a house be an indication that he's more serious about proposing? When it comes up, he'll often say, "I want to make sure it's at least 3 bedrooms, in case we have more than one kid."

 

I guess maybe we'll be the couple that does everything backwards compared to most. Move in together, get a house, fend off his desire to have a child until after marriage, etc. I guess we're not very traditional folk...

[Mauschen]

I think there are a lot of untraditional folk around. I think you should also go look at homes with him - he is trying to include you in his future plans, so go with it. And I know you don't want to hear this, but a 3 1/2 year wait is not so bad when you're in your 20s. You'll still have plenty of time to have children.

 

I think many men like to feel like they have everything in place before getting married - hence the house hunting. I also don't think many of them think a lot about all the time that must go into planning a wedding. My husband and his brother both made this comment to me, "you mean we have to wait a year before the ceremony?" Seems logical to us women, but not to all men.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Haha. "What do you mean we can't do it right now?" I've only seen someone pull off a wedding in under a year once - they were engaged for about 5 1/2 months before they married. But, the wedding and reception were in a park. The reception was under a pavilion. I don't even think they got most of that stuff organized until about a month before the wedding!

 

I still get the "it's not that long of a wait" deal, but if it's not gonna happen, I'd rather it "not happen" in my mid 20s than when I'm 28 or 29 and in more of a rush to have kids and find the right person. I guess all of these are promising signs, nevertheless. I s'pose I will go for a look, although I am more adamant about not moving in before the engagement.

 

I was amused with his thoughts about having a kid in 2 or 2 1/2 years - he didn't make it clear if that's when he wanted the kid -here- or wanted the pregnancy to start. I would -assume- based on past discussions that we've had that he would like to be married within the next 1 to 2 years, given the kid time-frame.

 

Really, in terms of the checklist of things men need to do prior to getting engaged, the house is probably the last on the list. While he had great jobs prior, in January he accepted this position at the university - which was a significant raise over his last job and a professional career, to boot. After that - although it was subtle - I did start to notice personality changes and a change in his approach to our relationship.

 

I don't think that I'm being impatient - after nearly 3 years, I do believe I deserve a concrete time-frame, rather than a time-frame that's incomplete or continually shifting from "2 to 3 years" to "3 to 4" to "someday" or "when it's right." It's maddening! Arggh!

 

Oh well. I guess the solution is to wait and see a little while longer. Mostly I wanted reassurance of either "so not happening" or "so could happen" based on what I'm seeing in our relationship. Who knows what it all means.

 

Thank you for all of your help, by the way - I kept meaning to say that. Then I'd post and say, "Drat. Next time, for sure." Oops. :/

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[Mauschen]

From what you describe, your boyfriend includes you in discussions of his future, which is a good sign. And you are not wrong fro wanting things to move along more quickly. But it looks like things are moving along for you, maybe just a bit slower than you'd like. Responsible, mature, kind men are hard to come by, so if I were you, I'd wait around for the one you've got to propose. Just let him know that you'd like to be married before having kids, and maybe that'll adjust his thinking about timing.

[Eeyore79]

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to want a long term relationship to end in marriage. Of course there are legal benefits to marriage, and making a commitment is a public declaration that you're serious about the relationship, etc... but I think there's one very important aspect of marriage that people often neglect to consider:

 

Marriage changes how you think about your relationship.

Prior to marriage you're aware that the relationship is impermanent; you think of it as a "trial period" (even if you live together), you're both still individuals, and you'll walk away if something doesn't work. In contrast, when you're married you think of the relationship as permanent and you think of yourselves as a legally committed couple, so you're more likely to be considerate and try to make things work rather than walking away at the slightest provocation. I think this change in mindset is one of the greatest benefits of marriage, not to mention it's good to have the stability of knowing that someone has promised to be there for you, and you for them.

 

I completely understand why you're eager for commitment; you've been together long enough for him to make up his mind whether he wants to stay with you or not, and you don't want to take the risk of waiting years for a proposal and being dumped when you're pushing 30 and are pressed for time in terms of finding and marrying a new partner. If he isn't ready for marriage after three years and having lived together, it becomes questionable whether he'll ever be ready. What you don't want to do is wait around for years while he continues not being ready and your opportunity to meet someone who does want to marry you slowly slips away. But what to do?

 

If you hadn't moved in with him, I'd suggest that you shouldn't. People think that living together helps them to judge compatibility, but I don't think you can learn anything from living together that you couldn't learn from dating. Sure, you learn what the person eats for dinner and how often they use the bathroom, but all that stuff isn't important in assessing whether you want someone to be your life partner. Once you live together it's easy to become complacent and assume you're sort of committed, and therefore you end up not making a proper commitment. Now you're living together he has less incentive to propose, since marriage won't offer him anything that he doesn't already have.

 

All I can suggest is that you emphasize to him that living together is a trial arrangement which has to either end or become permanent at some point. Don't buy a house with him, as this will just make him even more complacent and less likely to propose - clearly tell him that you're not prepared to buy property with a man you're not committed to. Stop talking about marriage; the more you mention it the more he'll resist. When your lease ends, if he still hasn't proposed I suggest that you move into a place of your own and let him think about things for a while. Tell him he had his trial period and now he needs to make a decision - continue dating but don't move back in with him. And if things don't work out and you end up with someone else, don't move in with him until he makes a commitment!

[WhisperinnWinds]

I will probably never move in with somebody again until there's a commitment - I have, to some extent, learned my lesson. I do think I learned more by moving in with him than I did when we were just dating. It was nice not to be surprised after a marriage to find that (much to my chagrin) he expects me to do all of the housework or something. But, there was also an obvious opportunity cost there - he's the type of guy to get complacent. Not the type of guy whose thoughts will be fueled and fired toward engagement.

 

I have seen some men go full-steam ahead to engagement after moving in together, but yes, it seems rare.

 

I told him last night that I will not move into another place with him - I could tell that it hurt him, judging by his momentary silence, but he accepted it. Our lease is up in early February, at which point I think it's time to set sail for a place of my own. I also told him that while it was nice he was discussing a house so much, to me it just signaled, "If he buys a house, it means a proposal and wedding are pushed further off."

 

When I told him that, he did hesitate and said, "You're right...maybe I would put off buying a house, then."

 

Once again I got the lines about how he's "sure" he wants to be with me, he's "sure" this is a permanent thing - but he's not ready yet to propose. He says he doesn't want to "rush" things, but admits that he has felt quite certain for several months now.

 

He has the financial means to propose. There's a rather large part of me right now questioning, "You know it's right and you believe it's good - but you're not ready to propose?" I don't want to get married tomorrow (if nothing else I'd like a longer engagement) - but getting a 'someday' or acting uneasy about the timeline we set up makes me more nervous.

 

He brought up our timeline agreement, but I told him that his behavior makes it seem as though that timeline will eventually get thrown out the window. He's notorious for saying he'll do something, and then doing it late or letting it persist for months when it could've been completed in a few days.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if, if I were to let him, the year would get dragged out to two years or longer. It'll surely be the same with any property he buys. Or getting the lien taken off of his car now that he's paid it off (more than a year ago). It's just how he is - and, realizing that, I feel a great deal more stupid already.

 

Right now I am balancing dealing with the guilt I feel for even planning an exit strategy - besides this issue, I am pretty happy with our relationship. At the same time, others use the "you're still young" excuse until they suddenly aren't anymore, and they're without their partner and on a deadline for having biological children. We're old enough that by 3 years, he should firmly decide and start putting things into action. I will leave just shy of 3 1/2 years if it doesn't change.

 

After this conversation with him, I am feeling less optimistic. On the one hand, the "Ok, I'll postpone getting a house" thing sounds promising. However, being 'certain' but 'not ready' and acting disappointed that I wouldn't move in with him elsewhere suggests to me that it's a crock of crap.

 

To me, being 'certain' but 'not ready' strikes me as 'not certain' if the financial means are there. He may be certain enough that he likes and loves me, but not certain enough to make a marriage anything more than a daydream.

 

On the one hand I am getting signs of further commitment, but so far they are all the signs of further commitment that aren't part of the engagement or marriage category. Judging by his reactions - and obviously I will have to ask more about that - he honestly believed I would move in with him into a house without even an engagement.

 

You're right in that there's a mindset change with a marriage. What we're doing doesn't have permanence to it. When I brought up engagement last night, he retorted with, "We've only been living together for a few months."

 

I will put my best into this over the next several months, but I am now entertaining some more doubts given what he said.

[Eeyore79]

I told him last night that I will not move into another place with him - I could tell that it hurt him, judging by his momentary silence, but he accepted it.

He thought he could continue to have his cake and eat it, and is upset to find that he can't. The message would perhaps have come across more strongly if you'd stuck to your principles and not moved in with him in the first place; it's a little late for that in this relationship, but it's something to consider for the future.

 

At the same time, others use the "you're still young" excuse until they suddenly aren't anymore, and they're without their partner and on a deadline for having biological children.

This has always been my fear; I think I'm sometimes a little trigger-happy and a little too quick to end a relationship if it doesn't seem to be progressing. It's hard to draw the fine line between being impatient and being a doormat.

 

To me, being 'certain' but 'not ready' strikes me as 'not certain' if the financial means are there.

Why would he not be ready? He's approaching 30, has a stable job and a house, and has been with you for a few years. What's missing? What would make him ready? Have you asked him why he's not ready? I'm inclined to think the same as you: if the financial means are there and he has a stable lifestyle then "not ready" is the same as "not certain".

 

What we're doing doesn't have permanence to it. When I brought up engagement last night, he retorted with, "We've only been living together for a few months."

He obviously doesn't see living together as any sort of commitment. He thinks of it as "try before you buy" and is keeping his options open to walk away. I wouldn't be happy living with someone who isn't committed to me. Before you moved in together, did you talk about what it means to you and where the relationship is headed? It seems that he saw living together as a trial run with the option of an easy get-out, while you saw it as a commitment and the first step towards marriage...

[WhisperinnWinds]

We discussed everything several times before we moved in together - we both agreed that the deadline was one year of living together. We both agreed (at least he did verbally!) that at that time, it was definitely time to either get engaged or I would move out and move on with my life - but that ideally that decision would be reached much sooner. Possibly as soon as a few months of living together. We both agreed on that several times.

 

His "it's only been a few months" line was really a bit of a sucker-punch. His words and actions suggest he's just really not that interested in the whole thing. The 'few months' line really struck me as, 'I am going to coast on this for as long as I can, and THEN I *guess* I'll marry you...if I have to...'

 

Are men ever eager to marry their girlfriends? It never quite seems to be the case, in the experiences I've had. There's something incredibly depressing about feeling inclined to force a partner to marry you.

 

After a year, it was "somewhere between 2 and 3 years." Now 3 years is right around the corner and it's "not ready."

 

To be honest with you, after hearing what he had to say - I guess I just either didn't have the energy to pursue the line of questioning anymore (for fear of what ELSE might come up), or I was just too fixated on his answer to think beyond it. I do need to ask what will help him be ready.

 

You're right - really, he's got all of his ducks in a row. An excellent job people in our area would probably kill for (unemployment is HIGH here), a place of his own, he's self-sufficient, some of his friends have paired off, married and had children.

 

We still spend time on our own and out with our friends, so it's not like I've stuck him with the old ball and chain. The man likes spending time with kids, even makes comments about our future family unprompted. He'll gladly talk about his future with me - but marriage enters uncomfortable territory.

 

Unless it's an issue with me - maybe all of that crap about me being so great and amazing is just covering all of the little things he hates about me so much that he doesn't want to marry - I really can't think of what's keeping him stalled. Fear in general?

 

I am growing resentful about the issue. Regardless of what the underlying issue is, it makes me feel like I'm defective and that's the underlying reason why he won't commit. There's that very immature, angry part that wants to give him my deadline and what I'll do thereafter. But a sense of integrity and posts around here have more than taught me it's better to walk away with my dignity intact than to get a divorce in 10 years after a husband blasts that I "pressured" him into it.

 

I am the first serious, close-distance relationship he's ever had - the last time he had a girlfriend around our area, he was 16. He went on to have two, year-long, long-distance relationships until his mid-20s, when we met. I've only got one ex in my dating queue. Maybe he's concerned that he hasn't had enough serious experience, so he's going to dawdle for as long as he can until something else hits the horizon.

 

I guess it's incredibly stupid to sit here and speculate.

[Eeyore79]

We discussed everything several times before we moved in together - we both agreed that the deadline was one year of living together.

I guess it was easy to say that before you moved in together, but not so easy to follow through. I very much doubt whether it has anything to do with you specifically; it's probably more about his fear of commitment, and it sounds like he's going to avoid marriage for as long as possible. Maybe he has commitment phobia or low self esteem, or some other issue which makes it difficult for him to commit?

 

Are men ever eager to marry their girlfriends?

I've known several men who were keen to get married. One moved to be with his LDR gf and proposed almost as soon as they moved in together. Another proposed to his gf on their one year anniversary. I even know someone who proposed on his gf's doorstep because he was so excited about having bought the ring that he couldn't wait! But other men avoid commitment despite the fact that they have no intention of ending their relationships - I know a guy in a four year relationship who admits that he wants to stay with his gf and would be totally lost if he found himself single again, but despite this he hasn't proposed.

 

Your bf doesn't seem to have an issue with talking about the future and making a commitment like buying a house together - he just seems to have a problem with marriage. Were his parents divorced, or does he have any other reason to fear marriage? Maybe you need to have a talk with him about why marriage scares him so much?

[WhisperinnWinds]

Strangely enough, we both come from households where the parents have each been married for more than 30 years - no divorces. None of our grandparents divorced. He's seen excellent models for marriages - his maternal grandparents especially. His parents seem to be happily married (much more than mine - I should be the one doubting in that case). His sister has been married for a few years, and that seems to bother him.

 

Every then and again, he'll make comments about her marriage and complain about how he's getting 'old' (he'll be turning 28 very soon) - he's said in the past that it's 'pathetic' that his little sister married before him.

 

He has been the type to gawk at other women (he totally has not mastered the 'glance, look away, glance again' routine) and, until recently, would frequently make comments about it until I told him that I didn't want to hear about every pretty woman he sees.

 

I get that they all look - Hell I'd find it weird if he didn't watch or look at porn or look at other women. He's living and breathing, so he'll be doing it for the rest of his life. At times it feels like he's a single man at a buffet of pretty women. Maybe to him, marriage means the death of all of his opportunities. He is effectively shutting the door on them.

 

I've brought up that theory before, and he's admitted it's a little bothersome - but emphasizes that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. Could be more than a little 'bothersome,' perhaps.

 

I wouldn't be entirely surprised if this turned out to be one of those classic situations, where a woman breaks up with a man. A few months later, he's dating someone else. A year later, they're engaged. Six months after that, married. And all the while the first woman sits there, scratching her head and asking: "We were together for years. What was wrong with me?" At the end of the day, nothing was wrong with her - he just wasn't ready. But the moment he is ready and there's a halfway decent woman there, he commits.

 

The signals in this relationship are very mixed. On the one hand he is sending out all of the signals that he would like to commit and have a future with someone. Even that he's bothered that, at his age, he's not married or close to it. And yet...'not ready.' I am feeling more and more nervous that 'not ready' really translates to 'but I could be for a different woman.'

 

Hammering out these discussions seems to be a long-winded battle of dragging teeth. I am glad to hear that some men actually bother or look forward to being married to their girlfriends, though. I've certainly learned my lesson.

[Mauschen]

I think you have a very good grasp of your situation.

 

I think the conversation you had with your boyfriend is a good one - he knows what your expectations are. Now I would give him a few months to think about what you've discussed without the mention of marriage from you. If he doesn't do anything about it come February, then you'll have your answer.

[tfkizzle]

Anyway, after a long diatribe: did any of you notice a change in your boyfriend's behavior before he proposed - what did he do? Did he try to cover it up from you (How)? Were you in a position where it felt like he was stalling for time - or not even planning on proposing?

 

I'm sure part of my anxiety is that I already moved in (spare me the 'why buy the cow...' lines. Who hasn't heard that one a million times?), so I automatically worry that was his method of prolonging getting engaged or married. It often seems that on these sites and others I go to, the people who are waiting for years are often the ones who moved in. And here I thought I would make myself more certain of wanting to marry him (I did) - instead maybe I've shot myself in the foot.

I didn't read your whole thread, only the OP. The OP sounds a lot like my fiance and me. I was 100% convinced that he was blabbing about wanting to get married while in actuality stalling. Turns out I am the jackass, because he was making all kinds of moves that I was completely in the dark about (despite living together). If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

 

My advice to you is to wait it out for the year that you and he had discussed. You're only 4 months into your supposed "deadline", so there's really no point in bringing it up or pressuring him right now. He knows how you feel (in theory), and he knows how you feel, and is also aware of your timeline. Just see what happens; you have another 8 months before you have approached the agreement you two had.

[Woman In Blue]

I'm not religious, but I would like to have a family someday - and I don't want to have one outside of marriage. Although there are other legal avenues to secure rights, marriage ensures that I am his next-of-kin and that, if there's an emergency, I won't be shut out of inheriting his property/planning his funeral/helping in medical emergencies. Obviously, upon retirement, there's also getting benefits from his job, health insurance, etc.

Please don't feel you have to justify the fact that you still respect the institute of marriage. I would personally never do what people are doing today - having 2 and 3 babies out of wedlock with different fathers. How utterly embarrassing for everyone concerned. It's nice to a see someone in their 20's who actually still has some family vaules. NEVER feel you have to defend that.

 

Your guy may feel like most young guys seem to feel nowadays - you're good enough to bear his children, do his laundry, clean his house AND pay half the household bills by working fulltime - but NOT worth marrying. Ain't that sweet?

 

I wouldn't do anything financially with him until you know where it's going. Otherwise, you're going to be stuck knee-deep financially and legally with him.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Oh - I should add that I'm not blending my finances with his. I'm not going to buy a house with him - I have discussed that it would be coming out of his own pocket, because my name won't be involved in any of it. As it is currently, I pay some of our expenses but everything is in his name.

 

I've always thought that if you feel strongly enough about a man to make a commitment with a child for the next 19 years (including pregnancy), you first need to feel strongly enough about him to make the partnership to raise the child. I'm not utterly traditional, but at least at the moment any mistakes I make only affect me.

 

I'm building more of my own life independently of him. I'm not fully satisfied with my job so I've started to look elsewhere. I'm surprised there are actually jobs I'm interested in now. I've been losing weight for the last several weeks - I've lost nearly 20 pounds.

 

I am tempted to move out before this year-long period...but I will probably stick for the next 8 months. After that, I am certainly out.

 

No matter what I want to be in a position in my life in 8 months where either way I'll be satisfied with the outcome. Thank you for all of your input. It is very difficult to grin and bear it when I feel so certain.

[in_absentia]

You both agreed that you'd be engaged by the time you'd been living together for 1 year. It has only been four months. Wait until 1 year has passed, and then discuss it with him. Until then, drop it! He knows you want to be engaged within the year, and most men want it to be a surprise and want to feel they have done it themselves rather than being whipped into it. I strongly suggest you stop mentioning it, and give him the rest of the year. It sounds like everything is going smoothly so far, don't rock the boat trying to push things faster than you had already agreed.

 

And you don't have to justify why you want to get married on here, you want to be married to the guy you love, that's enough reason in itself