So now the wife wants me (sexually) but I don't want her at all that way

[MrDietDew]

For the past oh I don't know 6 years, minus the month it took us to conceive a child, my wife turned me down oh probably 90%+ of my advances. She never wore the outfits I bought or she bought her self to spice things up. She is 29 now.

 

Low and behold, after I (I am 31) have been rejected more times than Larry King has been married, she is now always in the mood. But now I'm an 'a-hole' because I turn her down. I am a very high sex drive person, always have been, but I have ZERO desire for her anymore. She's not too much bigger than she was when we got marries, sz8 to sz16 but carries it well I guess. I have friends who are worried about her being this size this young but that's besides the point. I don't even thing if she lost weight it would make any difference.

 

Anyway, weight aside, I guess my body / mind just got used to nothing from her, and truthfully SHE can't arouse me at all. I am fine if we never have sex again, she just beat me down for too many years.

 

Anyone else deal with this and come out of the lack of desire? Or am I just stuck married to a woman who now wants me and I don't want her?

[cherrylips]

I don't know from your post when you two decided to have a kid, but I will throw out that its not a wise decision to have a kid as a fix to a bad relationship. To bring a child in that environment is unfair. I don't mean to assume, but if I don't say it someone else likely will.

 

Outside of sex, do you get along with your wife? Was it more of a friend relationship to begin with, or was there sexual desire between you that fizzled out? Really, the biggest hurdle you would have to deal with would be some major scars from being continuously rejected. If you have zero desire to sexually be with you wife anymore, save yourself some pain and get out of the relationship. You could probably live ok in a friendly marriage, but what would be the point? Inevitably you would just end up cheating on her (or vise versa), if you haven't already.

 

I believe that sex is the linchpin of happy marriage. If you are at a point that you don't have that desire for her, and are turning against her when she comes onto you, you may as well say f*** it.

 

Or try talking to her and figure it out. Your choice.

[giotto]

I've lost much of my desire for my wife after been constantly rejected for many years, for various reasons (you can read my threads). I think it's just normal. I don't believe it's got anything to do with finding your wife attractive, it's just you've probably fallen out of love with her. It's a defense mechanism. How can you contemplate having sex with somebody who's hurt you so much? There is a limit to everything.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Right now you have to decide if you want to continue this marriage or not - and if so, if you're going to bother to work on it. Your wife has hurt you very deeply...and now apparently she's decided she's fixed and you're the wounded one.

 

Sit down with your wife and truthfully explain your stance. Try to avoid inflammatory or accusing language. It might suffice to say, "I am having a difficult time feeling aroused or turned on in our relationship. We've had a lot of sexual difficulties in our marriage, and I think that those have played a role. I would like to start working on this problem if you would, too."

 

If you can fix this and go on to have a happy relationship, forgetting the suffering you endured early on...more power to you. But one way or the other, this situation needs to end. See a marriage counselor, a sex therapist, something to get the ball rolling. Assure your wife - and get her assurances - that the both of you will work to your maximum capacity to follow the therapist's directions on the road to getting over this hurdle.

 

You may uncover some of your wife's reasoning in therapy - maybe there was trauma when she was younger. Maybe she was - besides when you started conceiving - terrified of having a child. Maybe she was depressed, feeling unattractive after the baby's birth, any number of reasons could have fed into it.

 

I hope for the best for you.

[Millard]

Huh, your story sounds a lot like a friend of mine.. :\ (Is your name Byron? Lmao)

 

Anyway, I agree mostly with what Giotto says.. After a while, it's just a defense mechanism.. Why, after so long of trying, would you just up & be like, "Okay!" once someone asks if you want sex? Just doesn't make sense. It's stupid, and you have something heavy to consider if you just want to end the marriage or not.. Living with someone you're not attracted to anymore is a bitch

[StoneCold]

For the past oh I don't know 6 years, minus the month it took us to conceive a child, my wife turned me down oh probably 90%+ of my advances. She never wore the outfits I bought or she bought her self to spice things up. She is 29 now.

 

Low and behold, after I (I am 31) have been rejected more times than Larry King has been married, she is now always in the mood. But now I'm an 'a-hole' because I turn her down. I am a very high sex drive person, always have been, but I have ZERO desire for her anymore. She's not too much bigger than she was when we got marries, sz8 to sz16 but carries it well I guess. I have friends who are worried about her being this size this young but that's besides the point. I don't even thing if she lost weight it would make any difference.

 

Anyway, weight aside, I guess my body / mind just got used to nothing from her, and truthfully SHE can't arouse me at all. I am fine if we never have sex again, she just beat me down for too many years.

 

Anyone else deal with this and come out of the lack of desire? Or am I just stuck married to a woman who now wants me and I don't want her?

 

 

Buddy I know exactly how you feel....

 

Same situation here... pretty much in a sexless marriage...now the idea of having sex with my wife is so foreign and wierd to me it feels more right for me to have sex with a stranger.

 

I dont want to say in every case but dude its not looking good for you...you're a high sex drive person married to someone that rejected you so many times that you no longer want to have sex with her....so no sex?

 

How long do you think you can carry on like that? its only a matter of time before you either: cheat, leave or cheat and then leave....and its going to take damn near a miracle to fix this back o some semblance of normalcy...

 

In as much as I am in a similar situation I honestly dont know what to tell you other than your days with her are likely numbered...

 

good luck to you

Edited June 14, 2011 by StoneCold

[WhisperinnWinds]

I've actually read a lot about these things - uh...extracurricular reading The advice I've seen generally seems to be, "Push yourself to have sex at first, even if you don't feel like it." Even if you're angry at her. Even if you don't know why it happened.

 

The reason being, I guess, that you have to retrain your brain to see her in an erotic way again - after being mostly abstinent for so long, you developed more of a friendly-companion type of relationship.

 

The next time she tries to initiate, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to go with the flow. Still, you should suggest seeing a therapist.

[Mr.Harris]

Basically you're describing your wife to be an inconsiderate, obese, sex-denying bitch.

 

(Obviously you are trying to tread lightly concerning her massive weight gain but it's obvious it bothers you. I'm sure you don't want to get harangued by all the fatties saying "Oh you must love her for herself". Size 8 to 16 is a massive weight gain and that's why the friends are concerned she's put on so much weight. You shouldn't pretend otherwise. Lard is not sexually attractive unless you have a fetish for it.)

 

No I don't blame you at all for having zero desire for her.

 

Get her three dildos: large for her ass to make it hurt; very large for her vagina so it won't fall out; and extra super large for her big fat mouth, to keep it nice and shut.

 

Sure there isn't another man she's been seeing?

[quankanne]

She's not too much bigger than she was when we got married, sz8 to sz16 bless your heart, that's a really sweet thing to say about a plus-size woman :love:

 

back to the situation at hand: I'm stumped. And I'm in the same boat! But Giotto's words ("It's a defense mechanism. How can you contemplate having sex with somebody who's hurt you so much? There is a limit to everything") ring true. How do you unwrap your mind around the fact that for the longest time this person considered having sex with you as something awful, even though (s)he swore (s)he loved you and that you were his/her best friend? And now wants to toss you a bone by offering to *u** you to prove his/her love? I don't think so!

 

it may be pride talking, but honestly, how can you knowingly set yourself up for disappointment by having sex with them when you realize it doesn't *really* change things? It seems to me that other issues need to be fully addressed before it's time to go back to the bedroom.

 

I may be at an advantage here, because I can utter the magic phrase ("I'm ovulating") to avoid the situation ... you men can't

Edited June 15, 2011 by quankanne

[StoneCold]

I've actually read a lot about these things - uh...extracurricular reading The advice I've seen generally seems to be, "Push yourself to have sex at first, even if you don't feel like it." Even if you're angry at her. Even if you don't know why it happened.

 

The reason being, I guess, that you have to retrain your brain to see her in an erotic way again - after being mostly abstinent for so long, you developed more of a friendly-companion type of relationship.

 

The next time she tries to initiate, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to go with the flow. Still, you should suggest seeing a therapist.

 

hmmm

 

i'm not so sure pushing yourself to have sex with someone in that circumstances will be effective in "retraining" your brain. You ever been sexually refused like this before? Its very damaging and the level of resent that sets in can be like a cancer because it spreads. It isnt even about the sex anymore.....sex is where it starts but it will spread to other things and the resentment deteriorates wherever it goes like acid.

Edited June 15, 2011 by StoneCold

[quankanne]

yep. There's only so much rejection a person can take ... and at some point you realize that you don't have to take it any more, even if it means denying yourself something you once wanted very much. Like sex with with someone you love ...

[giotto]

yep. There's only so much rejection a person can take ... and at some point you realize that you don't have to take it any more, even if it means denying yourself something you once wanted very much. Like sex with with someone you love ...

 

We are still having sex. I'd rather not have it, but since we kind of made up (long story), I can't find the strength to tell her that, actually, I'd rather avoid her. Yes, I don't want to hurt her, because I'm a nice chap! I won't do to her what she did to me. Having said that, we have sex every couple of weeks, so it's not such a big deal. It was in the past, but I don't care anymore. If up to me, I would sleep in the spare room now. This is what rejection does to you.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Yes, I have been in the same situation before (although I'm a straight woman - so it's from the other perspective). I understand it's very damaging and it has long-reaching effects. My relationship has only been going for a few years- so I can't say the dry spell lasted for years - but certainly for months (anywhere from 2 to 4) at a time. I also got distressed with initiating and getting rejected again and again, in more and more aggravated ways. When we did have sex, it was like he was pacifying me.

 

I certainly had the opportunity to refuse when he finally 'saw the light,' so to speak. In our case, we were able to talk through all of the issues that caused the problem. Certainly by that point I had lost desire for him - no one wants to be rejected like that. In my case, I did have to push myself to have sex with him. For me anyway, it really helped to start focusing on those thoughts and feelings again. No, it doesn't work for everyone. But, with our problem behind us, it helped me to really put the problem behind us too.

 

Regardless, you need to figure out what happened to cause that dry spell so you can prevent it from happening again in the future. You certainly need to be in therapy so the both of you can start to move on from this chapter, if you intend to save the marriage. But if there's any hope of saving the marriage, effort will have to come from somewhere. Right now it's in a downward spiral. You may not be able to get back into that sexual side of things until you figure out exactly why everything happened. But when you get your answer, you can either let the downward spiral continue to consume you or try to work at it.

 

Sex will give you the blast of hormones you might need to start reinvigorating some of the passion you once felt for your wife. I am very sorry that you are enduring this, however - it's not easy, it's not fun, and certainly it can take a long time to solve.

[Lauriebell82]

It seems like you really resent your wife for rejecting you so many years, so maybe in some unconcious way you are trying to get back at her? I don't think it has to do with her attractiveness, it has to do with you. Have you guys tried counseling? That could really benefit you both to move forward.

 

Did you ever ask your wife WHY she has rejected you for so many years? Have you two ever really had an open and honest conversation about it?

[Kelemvor]

I'd be very careful that she's not having that biological clock ticking to produce a kid. Injecting a child into this seemingly unhappy marriage would be a bad idea. I don't really have any words of advice, my friend. I'm in a similar situation in that my wife does not turn me on at all even though she's attractive. She just does nothing for me. It's a sad state to be in, wondering if you want to continue marriage with someone who you're not sexually satisfied or attracted to, or bit the bullet and go your separate ways. I don't think sex should determine the success or failure of a marriage, but it's certainly an important component.

[jmsclayton]

Hi Mr Dietdew

 

sharing and see responses below

 

Men tend to start slowing down sexually in their 30s and women in their 30s start having sexual desire a lot. The key is to figure out how to compromise a lot. From her wanting and trying to get pregnant has taken it toll some on the early part of the marriage and can affect a woman sex life-she probably needed space but not that much. But didn't know how to work with the space after trying to have a child.

 

 

Low and behold, after I (I am 31) have been rejected more times than Larry King has been married, she is now always in the mood.

 

Judith: See above

 

But now I'm an 'a-hole' because I turn her down. I am a very high sex drive person, always have been, but I have ZERO desire for her anymore. She's not too much bigger than she was when we got marries, sz8 to sz16 but carries it well I guess. I have friends who are worried about her being this size this young but that's besides the point.

 

Judith: Women don't always understand that their attractiveness is important to a male and her body. They don't understand that your visual is affected by her body -looking at hers. Have you discussed with her about why it is important that her body is good looking. SOmetimes women have body image issues and it is hard for them to see them selves sexually in order to desire sex. She may be upset at her appearance due to the pregnancy. It is hard for women to want sex when they are upset about their body image . She may have been to focused on what her body -is

 

I don't even thing if she lost weight it would make any difference.

 

Anyway, weight aside, I guess my body / mind just got used to nothing from her, and truthfully SHE can't arouse me at all.

 

Judith: She doesn't understand why you can't be aroused anymore by her body and yes your body and mind will turn off even emotionally connected to it because of how you feel the relationship is going and what has contributed to it not working. The key is to find out how you can resolve what it is that your struggling with and seek to help her to understand how your body works in sex and why it is important that you both work on your body image issues and hers and the marital ones.

 

 

 

I am fine if we never have sex again, she just beat me down for too many years.

 

Judith: You need to let her know that her words or whatever it is that contributed to it -effect her biological relational connection to her. Women come at sex relationally first then sex and you sex then relationally -we don't always see that at first. She doesn't realize that your body sexually connects to your internal wiring and affects you directly biologically etc.

 

Anyone else deal with this and come out of the lack of desire? Or am I just stuck married to a woman who now wants me and I don't want her?

 

Judith: It takes time and can be done. The key is to find what is contributing the lack of . There are touch exercises that can help you to start again.

 

Feel free to email me offlist if you want.

 

Judith

[Holding-On]

OP if your wife truly understands how painful it is to be turned down, does she have the insight to understand how it felt for you? Has she shown understanding and empathy?

If you knew for 100% that she DID understand, empathize and from now on she would almost ask and/or say yeswould you be able to break down your barriers and have a sex life again?