ler1638 Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Okay...So I dated this guy in high school and I was a junior at the time and he was a senior...we dated for only four months but fell so completely in love. The chemistry we share with one another is indescribable. Anyway...of course since he was a year older he graduated and was on his way to college when he decided it was best that we break up because he would be three hours away from me at college and considering that he didnt have a car, he wouldnt always be able to come and visit me. So as hard as it was we broke up, but we kept talkin for the next few days after until we didnt talk for almost two weeks. And then out of the blue he texts me and says that he misses me (Im pretty sure he was drunk, but hay real emotions come out when your drunk right). Anyway I didnt know what to do because I was completely confused I thought he wanted this break up. Well, to keep it short the whole next year and a half we constantly ran into eachother (even exchanged our feelings we still had for eachother and hooked up) I was always left even more heartbroken and confused though because he would always randomly text or call me jus to see how I was doing so altough I tried to move on and dated other guys I never moved on from him. Then I graduated and wound up goin to the same college as him and of course we ran into eachother on campus and even at our apartment complex. He contacted me and told me he was sorry for the way he handled things before and he wished he could change things. Long story short, we decided to get back together and the passion we had for eachother was so intense and we rushed back into a relationship with eachother extremely fast. This time around we dated for 5 months but got even CLOSER because we basicall lived with eachother and slept by eachothers apartments every night and spent everyday together. Recently, he broke up with me again because he has alot of family problems (mom is an alcoholic and dad pretty much abandoned him) He said that with all the things going on in his life he didnt have the strength to keep me in his life and give me what I need and deserve. We didnt talk for a month and I was starting to feel better even though I missed him terribly, everyday was getting better. Just the other night, however, he texts me! He said that he just wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing. Well, that night we talked on the phone for hours and laughed and it was like nothing ever happened he even said he was coming up to visit soon (because now I am up here at college and he moved back home). Well, he didnt come up this weekend and actually texted me last night and apologized for not coming. Of course, we talked on the phone for hours again last night and I tried to explain to him that for as long as he kept checkin up on me and comin back into my life I couldnt move on and he said he would never talk to me again if thats what it took to move on but then we changed the subject and kept talkin and laughin and ended the conversation with talk to u tomorrow. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE I AM SO TORN, MY MIND TELLS ME THAT I DESERVE BETTER MOVE ON! BUT MY HEART BELONGS TO HIM AND I DONT WANT TO MOVE ON I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD WAIT FOR HIM AND WAIT IF THERE IS EVER A GOOD TIME FOR US TO BE TOGETHER. What do I DO? Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 How do I move on when he keeps coming back into my life? Simple : you just shun him out of your life. You have power. You can do this. He will never change his mind about you while you're waiting around for him. The one and only way to get him to second guess his decision (or rather indecision, lol) is to let him see what life is like without you. I know it's a very difficult decision for you to take and you probably won't be ready to go there until you feel on the brink of losing your mind. But once you reach that point, believe me, you will only wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Because the more time spent "waiting around" for a guy to change his mind about you, the slimmer and slimmer your chances get of that ever happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Hey Homebrew, thanks! I certainly don't take credit for coming up with that "secret" though, but I am dang proud that I finally got it and found the strenght to apply it to me! For months, if not years, I've known it in my guts that my guy wasn't really 100% in this relationship, and that the only way to salvage the relationship was to let it go - not necessarily break it up, but detach myself from the outcome and stop trying to convince him into it. The thing is, despite all of my efforts, I never managed to do that while I was in a relationship with him. Hence why I finally triggered the breakup - knowing I couldn't go on like this, it was causing me too much pain. Our relationship is dead now, and most probably won't ever be resurrected, but I have no regrets because it was doomed anyway. If ever it does resurrect in the end, then maybe it will have a chance of standing. This is what I want to get across to the OP and all other people in the same situation. Your ex broke up with you! The relationship is no more, stop clinging to it! The only ever chance you have of rekindling a relationship with the one you love so much is to let them go for now! It personally took me 3 months and a half to get that straight. And I'd been reading about it hundreds of time and I was like "I know that is true and sound advice, and it makes total sense that that is what would work, but there's just no way I can get myself to that place." Well, I did, and if I managed to do it, believe me, you can do it too. When you feel like you will lose your mind if you stay on that rollercoaster of keeping in contact with your ex, hoping and not having your hopes met... or/and when you realize that the more you cling to them, the lesser your chances of EVER being with them again... you will reach that point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ler1638 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 Thank you so much for that advice...it honestly helped me see things a little clearer. I really am a strong person and I have gotten through so many things that I really didnt believe I could get through. Especially, this relationship because I dated and lost him once before it seems like this time around shouldnt be that hard. Of course, the moment we broke up I did everything one should do move on (went out with friends, spent time with family, workout at the gym, ect..) and I was really starting to feel somewhat better, although the memories were still lingering I was no longer crying. For both times we broke up I never once called him or texted him or begged for him back I was and am still very strong when it comes to that but the moment that he contacts me to "check up on me" I crumble and I cant force myself to not talk to him and for the next couple of weeks im more vulnerable and miserable than ever. In our conversation on the phone the other I told him how I felt that the only way I could move on from him was if he stopped contacting me to see how Im doing. Of course, he said that he was sorry that he just worries about the people that he loves and that he never meant to make me feel like he was playing with my emotions he was just worried about me and wanted to check up and make sure I was doing okay but if I really wanted him to leave me alone he would never speak to me again. While this is really what I know needs to happen I cant stand the thought of losing him forever and my heart is constantly fighting my mind. After we discussed this all we just continued to have a normal conversation and laughed like nothing was ever wrong and he ended the conversation by saying he would "talk to me tomorrow" but knowing him like I do I didnt expect to hear from him again (at least for a while) and I still havent heard back, but I cant stand to sit here any longer wondering when is the next time hes going to contact me again. Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Thank you so much for that advice...it honestly helped me see things a little clearer. I'm so glad :] I really am a strong person and I have gotten through so many things that I really didnt believe I could get through. Especially, this relationship because I dated and lost him once before it seems like this time around shouldnt be that hard. Of course, the moment we broke up I did everything one should do move on (went out with friends, spent time with family, workout at the gym, ect..) and I was really starting to feel somewhat better, although the memories were still lingering I was no longer crying. For both times we broke up I never once called him or texted him or begged for him back I was and am still very strong when it comes to that but the moment that he contacts me to "check up on me" I crumble and I cant force myself to not talk to him and for the next couple of weeks im more vulnerable and miserable than ever. In our conversation on the phone the other I told him how I felt that the only way I could move on from him was if he stopped contacting me to see how Im doing. Of course, he said that he was sorry that he just worries about the people that he loves and that he never meant to make me feel like he was playing with my emotions he was just worried about me and wanted to check up and make sure I was doing okay but if I really wanted him to leave me alone he would never speak to me again. While this is really what I know needs to happen I cant stand the thought of losing him forever and my heart is constantly fighting my mind. After we discussed this all we just continued to have a normal conversation and laughed like nothing was ever wrong and he ended the conversation by saying he would "talk to me tomorrow" but knowing him like I do I didnt expect to hear from him again (at least for a while) and I still havent heard back, but I cant stand to sit here any longer wondering when is the next time hes going to contact me again. This is gonna sound mean, but I think it's selfish of your ex to be coming back to you like that, knowing this (being just friends) is not ultimately what you want. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, he doesn't want to do the relationship but he doens't want to lose you completely. Let him realize that losing you means losing you. Either be very firm to him that he needs to not be contacting you again, in order for you to be able to move on, and that he needs to be respectful of your decision to do what's in your own best interest; or, if he doesn't seem to get it, just stop replying to any contact he might make. Don't give in, even if he tries to manipulate you again into casual friendly contact. This is probably gonna be hard, but you've been acting and being very strong so far and you will probably ultimately bring yourself to do what's best for you. Best of everything to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ler1638 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 I never really saw it that way but not that I think about it (how he wants his cake and eat it by talking to me every now and then but not having the realtionship) it really does make logical sense and im so happy that you mentioned that:) One other thing that im really struggling with lately that im not sure how to cope with is the fact that I am here back at school for the summer and like I mentioned before we both go to the same college (well, now he no longer comes here instead he will be going back home to the local college in the fall, which is good for me so that I dont have to run into him on campus anymore) but just being in this city and being on campus and even my apartment all bring back memories and I dont know how to pass a certain store or restaurant or go to the library(where we would always go to study for hours together during finals) without wanting to cry. I mean I obviously cannot move and go to a whole new school because of it but I honestly dont know how to get the memories to go away or what I can do to not make them pop up. Once I get that down, moving on from him will be so much easier but I see him everywhere being up here (not literally, just in my head I imagine him being right next to me on campus or wherever). Any ideas as to what would help? Link to post Share on other sites
RuinedLife Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 That cake metaphor is so weird. I think a better one would be- 'He doesn't want to buy the cake, just nibble on it when its left unsupervised by the coffee shop staff and the sneeze guard is down' Link to post Share on other sites
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