seeing my ex for the first time since january , we broke up in march , 87ds NC (LDR)

[WiselyNaive]

so today was 87 days strict NC...and today i saw my ex for the first time since the breakup..as soon as i saw him i looked in a different direction did my best to act as if it was nothing...I was walking with my mother he waved to her n she waved back as a reflex before she noticed who it was and kicked herself later because she too isnt fond of him...its funny cause i also saw his mother the day b4 and she came to greet me...& although i really didnt want to say a word to her because of the nature of the relationship and breakup i put on a smile and gave her a hug....i really have alot of unanswered questions about our relationship...and never really got closure since i was told true closure is from within...but i still would like to know alot of things...

 

The reason why im only now seeing these people after 3 months is because i was overseas and within days of being back home ive seen them and it scares me that i will be seeing alot more of him because of how small the town is....since ive returned home he has been on my mind 10x more than usual seeing places we used to hang out seeing his friends and just knowing at any moment he could appear and now tonight about 100x more since i actually saw him...i wonder if its the same for him...if seeing me made his stomach flip and his chest burn like it did me...i always had that feeling he felt as bad about the breakup as i did ..and we both stayed in pride..and there are times i feel he planned ,calculated and manipulated me into a relationship and left when he got bored and couldnt care less... i still dont know since i went straight to NC...

 

Im writing this because i'm urged to break NC and send an email... request a serious talk to settle my mind about unanswered questions.., and to allow me to move on and have no hostility towards him and not be scared to look around every corner this summer and see him...hating this guy is worst for me than him because just trying to avoid him is consuming me...and the guy i like wont be given a fair shot because of all this built up anger and mystery of our "relationship"..although i hate him and find it so hard to forgive him for what he did to me ..i know forgiving him and loving again will be the only way ill really get over this...part of me isnt sure what i even feel towards my ex..i have alot of dreams about him in which we are either fighting or doing quite the opposite...i wont admit to any1 if i still have feelings for him..not even myself simply because having feelings for him after how he treated me is simply illogical..but the heart is just that..

 

...this forum preaches alot of NC im asking for an honest opinion not just repeat what uve seen "keep nc keep nc" n even if u think i should can i get some indepth reasoning please?..i understand contacting him can hurt me just as much as it can help me if not more...ive been thinking about contacting him alot in the past weeks...but restrained after today im even more convinced that something needs to happen simply because i know something will eventually and id like to be in control somewhat....after seeking advice from my mother she told me to keep my silence and that he will try to talk to me eventually and before we can be platonic we need to have a serious talk and thats that....im being told to hold back because HE will contact first and that seeing me will push him to contact me just as its pushing me..but i feel like im being fed false hope..filling my head with "oh he will contact you because he saw you"...what if he doesnt? in reality this time last year i was going through almost the same thing with my first ex & within few days of returning home and seeing him my ex DID contact me..but new ex..new situation ..and alot more pain in and stubborness in 1 relationship...

 

 

any thoughts?

[PelicanPete]

Honestly, NC is only good if you have the answers to the majority of your questions and you want to move on. If you go NC and there is all this unresolved crap about the relationship is still bothering you, it's going to make it a lot harder. You'll never grow from the experience if you're too busy trying to forget and sweep things under the carpet because you are confused with what happened.

 

87 days is a long time, and showing that you have kept count is definitely a sign that you're still holding onto something that your still unsure about. If you need to clarify something with him in order to help you move on, breaking NC is actually a good idea. The only stupid questions are the ones you don't ask. When you have all the answers you need, there is nothing left to hold onto which lets you move on.

 

I guess a good way to determine if breaking NC is a good idea is if you were seriously considering emailing him and asking him these questions before you ran into him. If this has been bothering you for awhile and you need to get some things off your chest and clarify the gray areas, breaking NC is a good idea. If this is a spur of the moment thing because you ran into him and you're just in the mood for breaking NC, give yourself a few days to organize your thoughts before contacting him.

[reimeivn]

I agree with PelicanPete. But I have to say, if you got hurt to much when you were with him, and if he just plainly a bad person, like my ex, you should try to accept that hes not the one you should be with. You realize that, he shows you that, or just he doesnt want to be with you anymore. Thats enough.

 

Sometimes it takes a long time for the other party to tell the truths, and sometimes, it will just make sense one day. So you should try keeping a distance from him. And move on.

[bikinibeach]

i tried this and wished i didn't. our break up really hurt me and when i let him back into my life for one hour to answer some questions, he took that opportunity to hurt me again. big mistake.

[wilsonx]

I actually knew that my ex had grass is greener syndrome but I wanted to hear it from her own mouth. To this day she has not given me a straight answer why she broke up with me because it always changes but I know the reason in my heart and it's not my fault, its hers. I can live with that

[PelicanPete]

It's better to make a mistake doing something, rather then regret not doing something.

[brokendreamz]

I had lots of chats with the ex about the reasons she left and you know what? I still have more questions! I had to go strict nc as whenever I left her after she answered one set of questions, another load would pop up.

 

Hard as it is, when it's over, it's over.

 

If you really feel like you have anything to gain then why not send an email. This way you won't have to see them and you can get all the questions out with out the stress of the face to face. Do be prepared for no answer or to hear things you really didn't want to though!

 

Come back and tell us what you decide - good luck

[calndn]

Im only slightly behind you in my breakup/getting over...im 7/8 months now but only really 3 months nc although I saw and spoke to my ex about 6 weeks ago in my hometown (where he moved to for me last year) so I guess 6 weeks nc. I wanted to get in touch with him after I saw him 6 weeks ago, I dont know why I just had the urge to. Then I remembered all the horrid things he did (I call it emotional abuse he really did headf*** me!) and I stopped myself. He even said to me at the pub I saw him in 'come over tomorrow night if you arent doing anything' so I was even more tempted but I didnt and im proud of that proud that I didnt get in touch. Back In Jan 3 months after the break up we met up started chatting again and I can tell you I WISH WISH WISH i never did it, all it did was mess with my head because we didnt get back together and thats all I wanted, I thought chatting to him and seeing him every so often would help me...but NO it doesnt...the only thing that helps is strict nc...no contact nothing. Like you though he lives in same hometown I actually havent seen him for 6 weeks but Im constantly looking out subconciously and looking out for his car etc cant help myself and it drives me crazy but I think eventually that will go away too I hope. But whatever you do dont get in touch it will do you no good and only give him satisfaction in a way. Knowing you are there. Hold your head up high walk tall and show him what hes missing....and im sure he will be in touch with you, but if he doesnt get in touch...you know you can do better and hes not the one for you. I know thats probably the last thing you want to hear but sometimes the most obvious things actually are the truth...time does heal all wounds....etc!

 

xxx

[WiselyNaive]

@Pelicanpete Thankyou so much for your response, id like to say tho i havent been obsessing over the amount of time..i often lose count but i had a 4 hour airplane ride home on friday and my mind was really on him and i ended up counting the exact amount of weeks since we broke up...typed it into google n got the amount of days lol..i havent actually been counting each day...the reason i think i went so long nc without breaking it is because i strongly believe we both thought the other one would until it eventually was to late...but im agreeing with you...i'll give it some time to organize my thoughts as you say and also who knows within that time maybe he'll reach out so i can save myself the anguish

 

@reimeivn you right but the goal isnt to try and get him back...one thing holding me back though is i began to think that i havent been keeping tabs so suppose he has a new gf and all that and in reality i think that might actually hurt me and the fact alone that he still has power to hurt me may be a sign to wait a lil longer to break NC...

 

@bikinibeach @wilsonx yikes....how did he hurt you? and im guessing the moral of ur posts is..breaking nc is a bad idea huh? even after 3 months

 

@brokendreamz how did u wait before u had these chats? seems like u had a few...i went nc like 3 days after..last contact initiated by him ended with em saying dont ever message me again

 

@calndn it really isnt what i wanted to hear but i really do understand where your coming from..ive decided to sit down and write an email make sure it isnt too long ..not an email with questions just exactly what id say about me and him meeting to talk or whatever and not send it just leave it somewhere....then go back n read it later on in my progress

[Rory12345]

WiselyNaive,

 

As other people have said, don't email him! You may think it will answer some questions but for me all it did was cause more questions. What would happen if he didn't reply? Imagine how you would feel.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[PelicanPete]

If within a few days you still have this urge to contact him, draft what you would say in an email and get it all out of your head and onto paper. Don't write anything too vulnerable like you miss him, love him, etc. Just get all of the issues down on paper. When it's to your satisfaction, leave it for 24 hours. After a day if you reread it all and you still have this urge to send it to him, go ahead. If it passes all these trials, it is obviously something big that is preventing you from moving on and needs to be said.

 

This may not sound like the best idea to many, but it's a lot harder to grow from the experience if you have all of these unresolved feelings blocking the way. Sweeping things under the carpet and trying to forget isn't dealing with your problems, so how do you expect to learn from them? It's pretty hard to abolish irrational feelings in a rational way.

 

If he doesn't respond to you, he isn't even worth your time. Even receiving no answer is an answer in itself, and you will be able to draw conclusions from that response.