learned76 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 The past couple of days have been difficult. I seem to bounce back and forth between anger and sadness. I also am experiencing a profound sense of isolation at nights. Today, for instance, I was working at a customer location for the first time since before the breakup. Even though the location I was at had little to no cell service, I definitely miss seeing txt's and voicemails from the woman whom used to be my girlfriend. Instead, I get nothing all day long. She had doubts that I cared recently, but I honestly loved seeing her notes throughout the days. I miss that affection so much. I have to fly out to another customer for a few days this week, and I hate flying. She was always there for me to make me feel calmer. I never told her this, but every time I fly, I pray before takeoffs and landings. I always put her in my prayers too because no matter what happens, I always wanted to keep her safe and protected. I was thankful for my girlfriend every day. I didn't show her it as often as either of us would have liked, but it was there...as strong as my heartbeat is right now in mourning. I deleted her as a friend on Facebook so that I wouldn't constantly obsesses about any changes to her Facebook page. Facebook is really hard to deal with when everyone's lives are so interconnected these days. It tortures me to see her face as I miss it so much. I miss talking to her. I miss cuddling up with her. Granted, I put WAY too much of my self-worth into both her and work when I was with her over the past 6 months or so...but I really thought that it would get better. I really wish she could have seen what I saw. She told me that she felt trapped the last five months of our relationship. She felt like she was doing all the giving and that I didn't even care about her the last two months of our relationship. I get what she means to a point, but I was still there for her. I still talked to her constantly. I still supported her every day. I still helped her anytime she asked. Why couldn't this have been enough to carry us through the rough patch? She also told me that she was looking at the greener pastures, etc. She thinks her current guy is interesting and more her style. They have more in common and she sees something in him that excites her. This, of course, really pissed me off...and rightfully so I might add. He'd been slowly creeping in for many months now. I just couldn't believe that her feelings for him as a possible significant other began a week or so before we broke up, and then she starting testing the waters with him mere days after she dumped me. I just can't fathom how terrible I must have made her feel that she didn't have any lingering feelings for me at all and could move on so easily. I also can't believe that she'd ever be capable of causing me such intense, unrelenting pain. Not her...not the person I loved so much! How could she? right? We all feel this way on these boards... The big thing above all else that I failed on is making her feel special on her Birthday. Two years in a row I did this I might add. I don't understand it myself of course, as I had NEVER done this to previous girlfriends and I will NEVER do this to future girlfriends. Why did I do this to her??? I really wanted to marry her at some point and was in the relationship to the end (granted, I was expecting the end to be old age...but I miscalculated ;-) I loved making her feel special. I loved to make her happy more than anything. I procrastinated and put it off until just before her birthday, and then I got slammed with some expenses the completely tapped me out. I get frazzled and just hope that the silly stuff I did her her a couple days before hre birthday would be okay. Why the hell do I keep waiting until the last second to do something nice for her??? What the hell is wrong with me? I try to rationalize it based on some deep-seeded feeling of rejection after the first birthday she had, before we started dating each other. She really wanted an iPod and I saw how excited she was about it, so I got her one and an iTunes card. Shortly after her birthday, she told me that she didn't want anything serious and went out on a date with some random guy. I was crushed by this. Therefore, I always had a bad taste in my mouth about that time, etc. Obviously, we got past it in every other way and were together for two years, and blah blah blah. It's total crap. I loved her very much and I should have taken care of this stuff months before her birthday to make sure it was truly special for her. She meant everything to me and I didn't treat her like it all the time. I truly regret that and wish she knew how much she meant to me each and every day...even without the actions. It was always there. Anyway - This is my internal battle and I still believe that had I been even half the man to her that I truly am, I would still be in a relationship and she never would have had doubts. However, I lost myself half a year ago and didn't put any effort into me. How could I have put more effort into her as well? It's not fair to either of us, and ultimately, it cost me the relationship...The one thing I would have traded my life for if I had the choice. Dramatic, sure, but it feels real to me. She was a woman worth suffering for because she made it so worthwhile. An amazing woman and a curse at the same time. I don't feel lucky to have lost her, so I can't honestly say I'm better off. I do feel that I am in some ways because she was able to toss me aside and get into something else with another guy immediately. So the feelings I had for her were, in my mind, not even close to mutual. If they were, she'd be just as torn up about things as I am. However, she had been thinking of ending things for months. I really just got hit with the notion a couple weeks ago, so there is a big difference in perspective too. I hate being fair sometimes. Anyway - I stand today not far from where I began this terribly painful journey. I know what I need to do to move on. I've taken many steps forward in that regard. I haven't spoken to her in a week (although she hasn't tried contacting me either - it's hard to not contact her, but I do understand the value in it). I did the Facebook removal as a friend thing. I removed everything memorable that I could from sight. I know the techinques to get my life straight. I cannot, however, seem to get her out of my head and ultimately my heart. All the logic and reasoning in the world is not helping me get over her. She did wrong to me too, I know this and feel it right now, and I still love her so damn much it burns. It's almost been three weeks since the split... Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 I was having the same issues questioning myself and what i did wrong for 3 weeks.... I will tell you what to do... get this book on this thread and buy a journal and start reading... I promise you it will help you (I keep breaking NC only because I have to get my ex off the f-ing lease but after Fri its on forever) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282572/ Link to post Share on other sites
brokendreamz Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Learned. I could have written most of that. Three weeks is not a long time my friend. You're on a bad roller coaster ride at the moment and although it will get easier I'm afraid you will have to get through this period of intense head ****. I was in a similar place to you in the early days. Kept blaming myself for not being the man I know I am. She was everythig to me and I took her for granted. 5 months out and I'm seeing things in a different light. It takes two to tango and I've definitely taken her off thenpedistal. Our house should finally be sold in a couplle of weeks and I fully intend to go NC forever. Good luck in your journey. And remember, it IS a journey. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Going through the various stages of grief multiple times is completely normal. Sometimes you see the light at the end of the tunnel, only to go through the "shattering" phase again where you realize what has happened. But this is normal and happens to everyone. Although you may feel like you are going in circles, you still are actually moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
joy79 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Dear all, I feel the same too. I was so sad a few days ago crying over little things that triggered off sad memories. Then yesterday I felt better and I thought I got over the heartbreak. The engagement was called off and we broke up 6 weeks ago and I got to get my family to help me call the various parties to cancel the wedding preparations. When I talked to a friend yesterday i was able to talk about it without tears. Now my mood is down again. I feel frustrated. Any ways to speed up the recovery process? Currently in NC. I got to pick myself up and work well. Link to post Share on other sites
giuliano-3 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Learned, It sounds to me like she took you for granted. You had no problem breaking the bank to give her all the creature comforts she desired. At the end of the day you were left holding the bag and wondering if she really loved you. You have joined the club. You are going to go through some really suck-#$@ times if you keep wondering about her intentions. The fact of the matter is she left you for another dude quickly. Girls who say they "need space" are funny. The ones who take the space and work on themselves, spend time with friends and family to figure things out - those girls are cool and deserve every last ounce of our respect. But those who take the space (and this is guys included btw) and hook up with another right off the bat - well they were just lying about needing space. They needed to get away from us and didn't have the heart/balls/respect to tell us "hey, we had some great times but I'm moving on - later." Instead they leave us wondering. And hoping. This is cruel, and they don't deserve our time/energy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author learned76 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 Thanks for the replies folks. It all helps. I'll check out the books too to see if they offer up something I don't know yet. I do know that when I get the chance someday of being in another relationship with a woman, I am not going to let the relationship interfere with my life, but enhance it...as it should be. I'm also going to really focus my attention on my lady's needs and how they work with my own. I imagine that I would ask her seemingly trivial questions about herself, making her never doubt that I really am interested in knowing her and understanding her. Lesson learned there...big time! While I'm nowhere near ready to date again honestly, I do miss having someone to spend time with. I never liked dating all that much and hope that I won't have to go through too many before I find someone I click with again. I'm at the age now (35) where I get hit on by divorced "cougars" a lot. They are fun gals and I wish that made me feel good, but it doesn't right now. Maybe someday it will, but I want to find someone to share my life with and have a family with someday soon. I thought I had it but I was wrong. I put way too much pressure on myself I think, but that was my ultimate goal. I'm getting tired of starting all over again. You know? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Going through the various stages of grief multiple times is completely normal. Sometimes you see the light at the end of the tunnel, only to go through the "shattering" phase again where you realize what has happened. But this is normal and happens to everyone. Although you may feel like you are going in circles, you still are actually moving forward. I like to think of it as peeling the onion. Each layer may bring tears, but you'll get to the centre in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
lovesickmonkey Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I seem to bounce back and forth between anger and sadness. I also am experiencing a profound sense of isolation at nights. Yes, it's going to take a little time. Before I knew it, 5 weeks had gone by and the wound sometimes hurts like it was just made. It's irksome to think that she's sleeping soundly thinking of anything but me while her voice is running on a tape loop inside my brain 24 hours a day. I don't know about you but this is the worst psychological disaster of my life. It has utterly devastated me. And five weeks along and I'm only now beginning to enjoy three or four hour periods of tranquility, punctuated by anger, or sadness, or both. Even as a baby, I never cried every day for a whole month. But no matter where I turn, the answer is the same: move on. Say goodbye to her and move yourself along. And who wants to move on and leave those memories behind? Who wants to move on without second guessing what we did wrong for her birthday? Or wondering what more we could have done? Or constantly trying to calculate the day she decided it was over and how many days went by before she informed you. Brother, this is rough going. But leaving her behind is truly the only answer, for our health and for our future. Go easy on yourself and work on letting it go. Just know that everything you wrote shows that we've all been there. I won't sleep well tonight either but slowly, it's getting better. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 While I'm nowhere near ready to date again honestly, I do miss having someone to spend time with. I never liked dating all that much and hope that I won't have to go through too many before I find someone I click with again. I'm at the age now (35) where I get hit on by divorced "cougars" a lot. They are fun gals and I wish that made me feel good, but it doesn't right now. Maybe someday it will, but I want to find someone to share my life with and have a family with someday soon. I thought I had it but I was wrong. I put way too much pressure on myself I think, but that was my ultimate goal. I'm getting tired of starting all over again. You know? Ah, yeah, I know what you mean! I'm 37 and have been putting pressure on myself like you have for decades. I spent years agonising over why I couldn't get a woman, and why the ones I did fancy just wanted to be friends. Looking back, *I* had turned them down. I'd missed the signals, the hints, the cues (once one took me back to her place after a night out and stripped down to her underwear, sat in front of me & I fell asleep on the floor). I had reasons, such as phimosis, but also because I had low self-confidence and in retrospect ridiculous expectations from a woman. Perhaps an idealised version of my mother in my head, who knows? Anyway, point is, there is much more to life. Getting to know yourself, developing your social life, career, family, mind, body and soul. And hobbies, and interests. Things to do with the rest of the day in other words. You meet someone who finally lives up to your expectations, and for a few months infatuation keeps you going, but after a while you need to have other sh*t to do. It's that other sh*t that's going to make the difference. If your passion and energy is thrown into finding a girl, once you have one, what you gonna do? You can't spend 24/7 with her - you're likely to get pissed off doing that. You can't go back to your previous hobby of looking for a girl, because it tends to annoy them (go figure), so you need other passions, hobbies, interests, sports, projects, be that figure skating or car mechanics, golf or bird-watching. You need man-time. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Yes, it's going to take a little time. Before I knew it, 5 weeks had gone by and the wound sometimes hurts like it was just made. It's irksome to think that she's sleeping soundly thinking of anything but me while her voice is running on a tape loop inside my brain 24 hours a day. I don't know about you but this is the worst psychological disaster of my life. It has utterly devastated me. And five weeks along and I'm only now beginning to enjoy three or four hour periods of tranquility, punctuated by anger, or sadness, or both. Even as a baby, I never cried every day for a whole month. But no matter where I turn, the answer is the same: move on. Say goodbye to her and move yourself along. And who wants to move on and leave those memories behind? Who wants to move on without second guessing what we did wrong for her birthday? Or wondering what more we could have done? Or constantly trying to calculate the day she decided it was over and how many days went by before she informed you. Brother, this is rough going. But leaving her behind is truly the only answer, for our health and for our future. Go easy on yourself and work on letting it go. Just know that everything you wrote shows that we've all been there. I won't sleep well tonight either but slowly, it's getting better. You'll get there. We're all ears here, so if you have things you want to say, let it out. Even the most banal, nonsensical stuff. Like an interactive journal, say. Don't try work out when she decided it was over; figure out when you decided it wasn't working for you. You'll be surprised how far back that was. Link to post Share on other sites
SoCal_Guy Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Learned, Girls who say they "need space" are funny. The ones who take the space and work on themselves, spend time with friends and family to figure things out - those girls are cool and deserve every last ounce of our respect. But those who take the space (and this is guys included btw) and hook up with another right off the bat - well they were just lying about needing space. They needed to get away from us and didn't have the heart/balls/respect to tell us "hey, we had some great times but I'm moving on - later." Instead they leave us wondering. And hoping. This is cruel, and they don't deserve our time/energy. This is so freaking true!! I am beginning to believe this is exactly what happened to me. But how are we supposed to know unless we are in their business 24/7? I guess it's just something that has to happen to you for whatever reason. I'm trying to learn from it and move on, but part of me just wants to know why someone who supposedly cares about me could do this. Some questions may never be answered. I do love the way you put this, though. I'm saving it. Link to post Share on other sites
lovesickmonkey Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Don't try work out when she decided it was over; figure out when you decided it wasn't working for you. You'll be surprised how far back that was. Man, you are right. Why didn't I leave? Why did I stay intent on making it work when it was clearly broken? These are things I have to confront. Link to post Share on other sites
giuliano-3 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I do love the way you put this, though. I'm saving it. Thanks, I owe this newfound perspective to the females who p'd me off on LS saying things like "she never really loved you" etc. Man, it made me mad. Then I realized that maybe I was reacting with anger because there was some truth to it. I had to at least entertain the possibility that was the case. And now my heart tells me "dude, maybe you never really loved her either." Maybe we were both in love with the idea of being in love. We had great times which nothing can take away, shared so many different ideas/thoughts and I progressed as a person because of us being together. But I've learned more about myself and what I need in a relationship since the breakup than I've learned my entire life. I've been to hell and back, literally, the past year. It has nothing to do with her or her actions. Its all on me. I'm the one who ignored friends/her mother/my gut telling me that her leaving had nothing to do with me. It was simply time, and her doing me the way she did is a reflection on her. Now when I think about her (rarely) I smile. Both for the good times we had, and for the fact that I dodged a major bullet. And for you all still lost in the forest this probably sounds crazy - give it time, though. Link to post Share on other sites
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betterdeal Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Man, you are right. Why didn't I leave? Why did I stay intent on making it work when it was clearly broken? These are things I have to confront. It's understandable trying to fix something that's broking. But what started the breaking process? I'm not saying staying or leaving is the best option; that comes after realising what was going wrong. What's done is done. It cannot be changed and it was the best you could do at the time. What you can leverage from the past is knowledge. You can learn, consider things that didn't pan out as well as you hoped, and consider different ways to deal with similar situations in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
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