trust issues

[kimberelly]

so basically i'll admit first of all that i'm not proud of reading emails/text messages between my boyfriend and another woman whom he used to be in love with. they've known each other most of their lives and as of about a year ago they saw each other and had an intimate encounter (which he does not admit to, although from an email that i read they did). to some degree i wish i never knew any of this, he is the one that told me about their relationship and his crush on her and how they talk on a regular basis which made me curious, and on the other my intuition is usually right and i do not engage in this type of behavior with other guys i've dated. the first time i read his email it was between him and another ex about a photo of her on her knees in front of a dude and he commented and she responded by saying how she bets he would like to see her on her knees. i was shocked and i told him that i knew about it and he sent an email to apologize to her about his "inappropriate behavior". anyway, last night i had a bad dream about XXXXXX, the woman whom he confessed his love to about a year ago that according to him, did not feel the same way about him (she lives in another state also). the text i found was about her having a sex dream about him. basically she says "i had a dream about you last night" and he asks what it was about and she says she'll tell him later. then a few texts later she says "tongue, groping..." and a couple of other adjectives i don't remember. he says "gulp" in response. and then a day later send her a text about this song he use to play for her with an ending he wrote when she moved out of the state about how he'll miss her. after he played it someone approached him and he told her how much he meant to her (this is what the text said). so anyway, i prodded him regarding the situation and he admits that she had a dream about him but that she didn't tell him what it was about. i told him that i knew he was lying and he asked if i read his texts which i admitted to doing. he left and left some of my belongings in the hallway which i took as a hint to take with me. i packed my stuff into my car and drove home. i tried to call him a couple of times today and he ignored my calls. he did post on fb about a boat ride he went on today which really agitated me even though it probably shouldn't. i'll admit that i am feeling very sad and also upset with myself for violating his privacy. although i guess i wouldn't feel an urge if i didn't keep running into these things. i know it's not his fault that she had a dream about him it just makes me wonder why she thinks it ok to tell him that when she knows how he felt about her and upset that he lied. what should i do?

Edited June 14, 2011 by kimberelly

[PegNosePete]

I am a little confused by your story. Maybe I'm not reading it properly (try using paragraphs!) but I can't see how long you've been with this guy and when some of these events took place? Was this "intimate encounter" with his ex while he was with you, or before?

[OofWhack]

Not sure how long you guys have been together but it sounds to me like you busted up his little secret "affair" (emotional, at least) and he's pissed off. I, too had some gut feelings and had to pursue them and became this person I truly wasn't, constantly looking behind my bf's back and reading his texts/emails, etc. I, too wished I didn't find what I did, but I did. We seem to be working it out although sometimes I still want to kick him. Your guy seems a little over the top in his communications with this girl and if that is the kind of relationship he wants with her, you either have to ignore and accept or get out. HE finds out you've been spying on his "infidelities" and he throws you out? GO... now....

[kimberelly]

I am a little confused by your story. Maybe I'm not reading it properly (try using paragraphs!) but I can't see how long you've been with this guy and when some of these events took place? Was this "intimate encounter" with his ex while he was with you, or before?

 

Sorry about the paragraphs...

I've been with him for 11 months. The incident with the first ex took place a few months ago and the incident with the sex dream woman took place yesterday. The intimate encounter with the sex dream woman was shortly before our relationship.

[PegNosePete]

Well he certainly has boundary issues. He should not be sending these inappropriate texts and he should not be accepting this kind of inappropriate messages from others. The fact that he was upset that you "invaded his privacy" proves that he KNEW what he was doing was WRONG. He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

If you were the one doing what he did, and then you got upset that he read your messages, then I very much doubt he would be so accepting.

 

I would ditch this guy and move on.

[Only Gal]

Well he certainly has boundary issues. He should not be sending these inappropriate texts and he should not be accepting this kind of inappropriate messages from others. The fact that he was upset that you "invaded his privacy" proves that he KNEW what he was doing was WRONG. He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

If you were the one doing what he did, and then you got upset that he read your messages, then I very much doubt he would be so accepting.

 

I would ditch this guy and move on.

 

i strongly agree!

forget about him. find one who can protect your feelings.

[kimberelly]

He ended up avoiding any contact with me for two days. On the second day I went to visit some family and was coming close to his house on my way back and sent him a text asking if we could talk and if he minded if I stopped by. He replied by saying that he was angry and was not sure if this was going to work out so it probably wasn't a good idea.

 

I went home and went to class that night, he was at work until late. I sent him another text and asked when did he want to talk about this? He called me after and asked what I wanted to talk about. He was very angry and started saying how he doesn't feel like he can trust me, and how I overreact to things (like talking about fond stories of him and women of his past). I asked him if he thought it was inappropriate for me to ask him not to bring up stories about his ex girlfriends because it hurt my feelings to which he said was a ridiculous idea. Then I asked him what he wanted and he said that obviously what he wanted didn't matter because he just wanted to have a pleasant relationship with me and that was not happening. He did not offer any apologies or words of kindness, I told him I was sorry for what I did and I did not think that reading his text messages was appropriate but that I hoped he could understand my concern considering what I found and what I had found in the past. Then he started yelling at me and saying that I did not trust him that I should go and that he did not trust me.

 

After he started yelling (which btw we've had conversations about how it is rude, bullying and unnecessary) I just felt helpless. I tried to reach out to him, give him space to clear his head, and he was making me feel like that was all my fault, and that he could just ignore me and be angry until I came back begging for forgiveness. I said, you know what, I really do wish the best for you but maybe this is not going to work. There have been many things that we don't seem able to compromise on and apparently we have communication issues because it seems impossible to resolve conflict peacefully with him. I spoke to him calmy, respectfully and did not use exaggerations to get my point across. I only tried to explain my feelings and asked how he would feel if it were me and if he could understand.

 

After I told him I didn't think this was going to work he exclaimed "Fine!" and hung up quickly and then within seconds was on facebook changing his relationship status to single, which was very irritating to me. I sent him a text and was like are you sure this is what you want? And he replied with 3 texts of negativity and aggression towards me about how he's been good to me and all I do is accuse, disrespect and humiliate him, and that he was sick of being lectured about being frustrated (which amounts to him being angry that I asked him not to yell at me on more than one occasion). He said that all I do is "kick the ****" and "take advantage" of him which are large exaggerations. Yes I have been frustrated about certain things and have approached him with concerns but it just felt so dramatic and overblown. Then I just said that I wish the best for him and that one day I hope we can remember what we respect about each other and be friends. He replied back about how that was insulting because I'm not acting like a friend and that I used him and threw him away.

 

I don't really understand the whole using him thing, I don't rely on him financially and I'm a independent person...this has never been mentioned before until the break up so I'm not sure where he's coming from with that. He told me not to talk to him anymore. Anyway, I am really hurt.

 

The sex dream woman sent me an email and apologized to me saying she understand why I would be upset and suspicious and that she should have considered my feelings, but that they were never more than friends who flirted from time to time. She said that if things worked out between them that she would not do anything to make me feel that way again. I told her thanks and left it on a positive note, leaving out any other comments that would be hurtful to my ex.

 

I'm mostly just really hurt as to how he handled this conflict. He was so cold and angry at the same time, and made me feel like it was all my fault and that I'm an emotionally abusive girlfriend. It was kind of like he was waiting for me to break up with him, and that he really wanted to break up with me but somehow seemed to enjoy being angry more. So aggravated, and sad.

[Woman In Blue]

The guy obviously isn't trustworthy.

 

But do yourself a favor and STOP reaching out to him. He'd told you multiple times that he was done and you kept texting or contacting him to ask him if he was sure. Stop doing that - it's degrading.

 

Chalk it up to a lesson learned. Hopefully next time you'll find someone who doesn't have to constantly be acting like a neanderthal.

[PegNosePete]

I'm sorry to say that this guy is quite obviously a complete arsehole. You are definitely better off without him. He does not respect you, your feelings or your relationship in the slightest. He tries to justify his completely inappropriate behaviour by blaming it on YOU. He is a classic BULLY right out of the text book so please just don't talk to him ever again.