Childish perhaps..but it made me feel better

[MissBee]

Exactly. You are perfectly expressing my frustration with the situation Rooke is putting herself in. She is miserable so she wants him to be miserable too. But at one time-- even after she found out he was married to her, lying to her & stringing her along-- she loved him & wanted to be with him. It is only now that things went sour that she wants to inform his job.

 

She needs to ask herself what it is about a liar & a cheat that she loved. I say this from experience. Why did I want to hook myself up to someone like that? [i am still answering this question]. And why would I waste another minute of my time in his life when I obviously need to fix my own? No thank you.

 

Before anyone accuses me of being a hypocrite. I could have done a lot of things to try to ruin xMM [i even had his wife on the phone with me & could have told her things that would make her so mad at him] but I didn't, because I loved him & I participated in what we did just as much as he did. It would be wrong to turn around & wish him unhappiness or work towards his unhappiness just because I was unhappy with how things turned out.

I don't agree with JC's nastiness but I agree with JC that this is self-destructive behavior born out of madness rather than love.

 

Also I'm not sure why Rooke insists she ended things with the MM when the way that I read that it ended was that she showed up at his work to talk to him & he ran away from her. How is that her ending things? I'm just really confused with this whole situation & I wish Rooke would wake up . . .

 

 

Amen!

 

It is crazy...and that is how dysfunctional scenarios often are...crazy and nonsensical. Actions, words, etc are all contradictions.

 

I think it takes a certain level of responsibility and self-awareness to be introspective versus lashing out and blaming everyone but yourself. It is harder to see your part in the ordeal, harder to admit you were foolish, naive, desperate, wrong, whatever it is, so it's easier to abscond yourself and be the victim of bad luck or some horrible person.

 

I did that for quite some time...my life was stressful, exhausting and I was hurting as I tried to mentally make my ex pay. I felt like it would be "too easy on him" for me to "let it go"....right...he didn't know or care about my turmoil He was out and about while I was worried about who he was now seeing, why didn't he keep his promises and the MADNESS went on and on and on. It's too much. Even talking about it is draining me.

 

Goodluck to Rooke. Hopefully she quickly pulls it together. I can't with this anymore though, sorry. I did it before and will NEVER allow my life to be wasted trying to hurt an ex or getting myself in weird predicaments then bemoaning the outcome endlessly. I am not perfect but if I can avoid a bulk of woes at my OWN hands...then that's what I am going to do.

[Gissie]

This is not good. You seem full of anger and by doing these things you will only hurt yourself more and more. Please search some help for yourself before its too late, this is some fatal attraction recap happening right here. Someone´s bunnies are about to be boiled soon.

[Emme]

This is not good. You seem full of anger and by doing these things you will only hurt yourself more and more. Please search some help for yourself before its too late, this is some fatal attraction recap happening right here. Someone´s bunnies are about to be boiled soon.

 

That's exactly what I was thinking. Rooke you haven't answered my question yet as to how you don't know where he resides. You seem to know his employer... you have somewhere to start. What are your plans to locate his wife. Seems you have a great deal to get off your chest.

[Rooke]

That's exactly what I was thinking. Rooke you haven't answered my question yet as to how you don't know where he resides. You seem to know his employer... you have somewhere to start. What are your plans to locate his wife. Seems you have a great deal to get off your chest.

 

Right..sorry, but I did say I wouldn't come back to the thread until a certain poster was removed.

Erm ok, starting with your question, obviously I know the area he resides in, although he told me he lived in Bristol but actually it turned out he lived in Bath, which is only about 20 minutes away, but he works in Bristol. I only know where he works because I saw his pass. I do not have his address, it's not like he said "here's my address please feel free to come and talk to my wife"

Whoever asked the question about me ending it, yes I was the one who ended it and I went to the school to ask him to help me leave financially, I felt he owed me that at least.

Also, preach, judge, criticise all you want about uprooting your life for a married man etc etc, this is all old news, like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted, I am well aware of the mistakes and bad decisions I made but picking it apart and analysing it repeatedly isn't going to transport me back in time and undo the mistake.

Oh, I'm not sure what my plans are to contact her and I do have alot to get off my chest, if I'd been able to get it off my chest to him I think I would feel differently.

Lastly, I would like to thank Owl for being the most understanding. Should I have done it? Perhaps not, but I did and only I can know what my feelings were and whether they were justified.

Should I just let go? Yes perhaps but that's not so easy to do when you're stuck somewhere that everything reminds me of him and I have no support system, yes it's on me that I moved, however he knew he was dragging me here on a false promise and should have helped me leave.

Could I have handled it better? Yes perhaps, but none of this makes any difference, it doesn't make me feel less angry or ease the pain.

Lastly, all the speculation about it has actually resulted in nothing, which I knew it wouldn't.

[Ellin]

I'm not one to tell other people what they should do, but it is my opinion that it is far better to put energy into figuring out how to move on and what lessons can be learned, instead of creating more drama with unpredictable results.

 

I perfectly underestand the feelings of wanting a revenge and wanting the person who's made us suffer be miserable too, and this is very common in single AP after A is over.

 

But I think it's best not to act on it.

 

And I'm confused in what way he is not capable of being a teacher?

[FieldFlower]

((((Rooke)))

 

JMHO, I don't think it's time to bring the bunnies inside just yet. I think what is happening, is that Rooke had somehow convinced herself that he had "lied" about his wifes pregnancy, as a reason to get out of the A, and refused to look at the possibility that this jerk off was actually doing the "right" thing for the first time in years, by ending the A because of his wifes pregnancy, not in spite of it. I think she convinced herself that he was evil on every level, and was incapable of doing anything that may be a reflection of love, or caring for anyone. Sadly, that wasn't the case, his wife was pregnant, and he ended the affair because of that, and that shows that this man does have a tiny, (&*%ing microscopic) bit of compassion for someone else in his life, and it wasn't Rooke. She's been rejected all over again, on a very powerful level. She's hurting, and we can point out till the cows come home how much of an ass this guy is, but you can't turn love on off that easily, and Rooke, you will get passed this. Life will be happy again, and he didn't ruin it. Never give someone that kind of power over you, your not a SLAVE to anyone.

 

I don't condemn, or agree with what you did, I will not judge someone that I don't know, when I've only been presented with a tiny image of the bigger picture. I would not have done it, for no reason other then I would totally want him to believe that I have completely forgot and moved on, that he doesn't even exist in my world any longer, not even in my thoughts...but that's just me.

 

Let it go Rooke, I know it sucks, but just let it go. You can't change or fix it, you can't make someone feel remorse, or take responsiblity for their actions. You only have control over you, and never forget that the greatest revenge, is just being successful. Let go, move forward, and never look back. He's not worth the salt in your tears.

 

Weekend is coming, spend it thinking about what you need to do to get out of there. Make a list, small **** first, big **** later. Part-time work, for extra cash, and keep you busy. Might even meet some new friends. One small thing, can make a huge difference in your life, get busy. Please, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, but take some time to read this thread objectively, I think there is a lot of valuable advice,that may in fact help you heal. Of course ignore the degrading ones, your not a cum receptical, and I'm appalled that anyone could use such a description and actually expect to be taken seriously, I'm imaging the kind of man that would throw that term around...and my thoughts turn to those men along the highway picking up trash, or the ones that are skilled at making big rocks into little ones.

 

Now off your ass, and on your feet, out of the shade and in the heat, and for all that is holy, do not confront the BS right now. You don't have to take it off the table, but please give yourself at least six months so that you are stronger, and better prepared for the situation in the event that you decide you have to do this. Your not ready for that, things are too fresh and raw, and it will most likely blow up in your face. Also, she is a new mother, it's one of the most precious things that can happen to a women, please give her at least enough respect to enjoy this time and bond with her baby, let this be a happy time for her. She deserves that, and she needs to come first, please don't make this a nightmare for her. Six months, really think long and hard about that.

[lovinmylife]

Oh dear. There's quite alot for me to read there because I'm on different time so I get these all at once.

First and foremost I have also reported the abusive posts from the KC person and do not dare tell me how I think or how I feel. For your information, you idiot, I was the one who ended it and no I am not jealous. So go and crawl back under your rock because as BB says you have no credibility.

Secondly, I didn't do this out of anger or hurt, if that had been the case then I would've sent in back in April, but I didn't take the decision lightly, I wrote it, tore it up, re wrote it and eventually I decided to send it and I'm not lying about my emotions, yes I did it for revenge because he ruined my life and I want to ruin his. Yes I chose to go along in the A but I didn't choose to relocate based on all the facts.

As the bible says, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.

Finally, let me say this. If he'd apologised to me, if he hadn't blamed me entirely for this situation then I would've happily walked away but he didn't even have the decency to do that, so berate or criticise as much as you want but I believe he deserved it.

Oh and he isn't going to lose his job, she may have a stern discussion with him, which quite frankly I think needs to be had, but he isn't going to lose his job, so all this talk of losing his livelihood is moot.

 

 

rooke, it sounds like you are getting mad at people for trying to help you understand the situation better. I couldn't help notice, though, that you tried to quote the bible to justify your actions. But if you are going to play that game, also know that the bible also talks against adultery and fornication (i know i know) and that your actions (participating in an affair) leads to consequences (hurt). Being involved in an affair is risky (i know, and one day i may talk about it), but if you are done with him, then just be done with him. No more worrying about if he is suffering or if he is getting his. Give him the ultimate payback and forget him. Don't give him the satisfaction.

ps. forgive me, but i haven't read every response on here so if i am missing something, then i apologize. take care.

[Rooke]

He didn't end it because he wanted to do the 'right' thing, he begged me to carry on. I ended it so that he would do the right thing, it was me who even had to take responsibility for that.

[herenow]

Just a thought.

 

If talking to his wife, it may help to take responsibility for your own actions. The more unreasonable you sound, the easier it will be for him to paint you out as a stalker.

 

Same with the letter. I'm not sure that will have much of an effect. Unfortunately it may show you in a worse light than it does him. It won't be too hard to defend himself against a letter that can't talk back. He can say anything he wants about you and you won't be there to prove anything different.

 

Such a sad situation. I really wonder why you continue to be part of it.

[MissBee]

rooke, it sounds like you are getting mad at people for trying to help you understand the situation better. I couldn't help notice, though, that you tried to quote the bible to justify your actions. But if you are going to play that game, also know that the bible also talks against adultery and fornication (i know i know) and that your actions (participating in an affair) leads to consequences (hurt). Being involved in an affair is risky (i know, and one day i may talk about it), but if you are done with him, then just be done with him. No more worrying about if he is suffering or if he is getting his. Give him the ultimate payback and forget him. Don't give him the satisfaction.

ps. forgive me, but i haven't read every response on here so if i am missing something, then i apologize. take care.

 

I actually was going to comment on that "Biblical" quote Rooke mentioned...to point out that (as people often do) it is misquoted as well as taken out of it's entire context....the actual verse and the verse after says:

 

 

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'

But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."

 

Therefore it is not proving Rooke's point at all but negating it totally, as if she were truly following it, it would be saying what many of us are also saying, to turn the other cheek and move it along essentially versus taking up revenge upon yourself.

[Emme]

Right..sorry, but I did say I wouldn't come back to the thread until a certain poster was removed.

Erm ok, starting with your question, obviously I know the area he resides in, although he told me he lived in Bristol but actually it turned out he lived in Bath, which is only about 20 minutes away, but he works in Bristol. I only know where he works because I saw his pass. I do not have his address, it's not like he said "here's my address please feel free to come and talk to my wife"

Whoever asked the question about me ending it, yes I was the one who ended it and I went to the school to ask him to help me leave financially, I felt he owed me that at least.

Also, preach, judge, criticise all you want about uprooting your life for a married man etc etc, this is all old news, like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted, I am well aware of the mistakes and bad decisions I made but picking it apart and analysing it repeatedly isn't going to transport me back in time and undo the mistake.

Oh, I'm not sure what my plans are to contact her and I do have alot to get off my chest, if I'd been able to get it off my chest to him I think I would feel differently.

Lastly, I would like to thank Owl for being the most understanding. Should I have done it? Perhaps not, but I did and only I can know what my feelings were and whether they were justified.

Should I just let go? Yes perhaps but that's not so easy to do when you're stuck somewhere that everything reminds me of him and I have no support system, yes it's on me that I moved, however he knew he was dragging me here on a false promise and should have helped me leave.

Could I have handled it better? Yes perhaps, but none of this makes any difference, it doesn't make me feel less angry or ease the pain.

Lastly, all the speculation about it has actually resulted in nothing, which I knew it wouldn't.

 

Since you can't contain your emotions ... You are someone who needs to get this off your chest. Why not go all the way? You know where the man works.. put on your boot straps and camp out. Follow him home one day from work. Get your speech ready for his wife and tell both of them what's on your mind. When you are finished doing that MOVE ON. If you can't move on, you are in need of some therapy to help you with these emotions your having. What do you say to that idea?

[whichwayisup]

Now off your ass, and on your feet, out of the shade and in the heat, and for all that is holy, do not confront the BS right now. You don't have to take it off the table, but please give yourself at least six months so that you are stronger, and better prepared for the situation in the event that you decide you have to do this. Your not ready for that, things are too fresh and raw, and it will most likely blow up in your face. Also, she is a new mother, it's one of the most precious things that can happen to a women, please give her at least enough respect to enjoy this time and bond with her baby, let this be a happy time for her. She deserves that, and she needs to come first, please don't make this a nightmare for her. Six months, really think long and hard about that.

 

^^^^THIS I agree with completely.

 

Could I have handled it better? Yes perhaps, but none of this makes any difference, it doesn't make me feel less angry or ease the pain.

 

You still have a choice, it's not too late on how you handle things. It's one thing to ruin HIS life, but another to go tell his wife right now. REALLY read the bolded part and let it sink in. Please.

[hoping2heal]

Rooke,

 

This is not to pick on you, but imagine something. Imagine someone writes a letter to your employer or elsewise and tells them that you got involved with a MM and had an affair. I understand you were tricked for a time, but you also continued the RS knowing full well that he was married. What if his wife did that to you because she thought your actions were reprehensible and that you deserved for people to know what kind of decisions you made and your role? You are taking it upon yourself to "out" this man and expose him for being an adulterer but you are guilty of the same exact offense.

 

As others have already told you, you are out of control with your emotions right now. I know you contest differently, but your actions and rants say otherwise. It is okay to be hurt and devestated but nothing is going to make you feel worse about yourself than continuing to let your emotions lead to self-destruction and that is where this is headed. This must have hurt you very deeply and having your trust betrayed like that messes with your head and makes you feel so vulnerable and out of control, but this type of behavior is only going to exacerbate that.

[fooled once]

The letter to the employer is a MOOT point - it is DONE. To continue to give her grief is not productive. It is done.

 

I do agree that right NOW is not the time to confront the wife.

 

Write out what you want to say. But do NOT send it.

 

Rooke, you must take responsibility for YOUR part in this. YOU CHOSE to move. Yes, he lied to you, but YOU made the decision to move to another country to be near a MARRIED man. So what if he told you he was leaving; you should have NOT moved prior to his divorcing. Lesson learned.

 

You have to get this anger and hate out of you before it eats you alive.

 

Write the letter to the wife. Hell, write 17 letters to her - but do NOT send them right now.

 

FOCUS on you and on HEALING within you. Sending notes to anyone isn't going to lesson YOUR pain. YOU have to work through that.

 

Find a silver lining in all this. Stop focusing on all the negativity and 'bad things'. You are living where you are - you can either work towards changing that or accept it and make the best of it.

 

Good luck.

[BB07]

Rooke, I so understand your rage and pain and I have to confess that I came very close to doing something similar. I had it written, all I had to do was click but something stopped me. I wanted that SOB to pay for ****ing with my life with his lies. Anyway.....my point is.........what's done is done but the next thing you are mulling around in your head, hold off on it. What I did, was I would talk myself out of it that day, I would tell myself that my anger was overpowering that it wasn't rationale and that I had to wait until things were clearer. The trick wasn't not telling myself that I couldn't ever do it, but I couldn't do it while I was so messed up. The urges became less and less and then none at all. Now I'm proud I kept my dignity and silence. You can feel that way too, just hang on and don't do the contact the wife thing now. Wait till the rage clears and then make a rational decision about it.

 

Hugs Rooke..........you are gonna be alright.

[chalkfarm]

Right..sorry, but I did say I wouldn't come back to the thread until a certain poster was removed.

Erm ok, starting with your question, obviously I know the area he resides in, although he told me he lived in Bristol but actually it turned out he lived in Bath, which is only about 20 minutes away, but he works in Bristol. I only know where he works because I saw his pass. I do not have his address, it's not like he said "here's my address please feel free to come and talk to my wife"

Whoever asked the question about me ending it, yes I was the one who ended it and I went to the school to ask him to help me leave financially, I felt he owed me that at least.

Also, preach, judge, criticise all you want about uprooting your life for a married man etc etc, this is all old news, like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted, I am well aware of the mistakes and bad decisions I made but picking it apart and analysing it repeatedly isn't going to transport me back in time and undo the mistake.

Oh, I'm not sure what my plans are to contact her and I do have alot to get off my chest, if I'd been able to get it off my chest to him I think I would feel differently.

Lastly, I would like to thank Owl for being the most understanding. Should I have done it? Perhaps not, but I did and only I can know what my feelings were and whether they were justified.

Should I just let go? Yes perhaps but that's not so easy to do when you're stuck somewhere that everything reminds me of him and I have no support system, yes it's on me that I moved, however he knew he was dragging me here on a false promise and should have helped me leave.

Could I have handled it better? Yes perhaps, but none of this makes any difference, it doesn't make me feel less angry or ease the pain.

Lastly, all the speculation about it has actually resulted in nothing, which I knew it wouldn't.

You have every right to be angry. ANGRY! ANGRY! ANGRY! What others don't see is that focusing the anger outward means you can function and make it through the day. Turning the anger around and focusing inward too soon is immobilizing. I trust that that will come (for both of us). But it takes time, or so I am told.

 

You have every right to want him to hurt as much as you do. Boy, do I understand that! It feels unfair that he gets to live his life with little or no disruption. Did he cry? Did he yearn and ache for peace? Probably not. So of course, you want him to suffer as much as you do.

 

As for those who want you to "get over it" - tell them to shove it. They can preach it but they can't live it. It takes a load of control to "get over" something annoying let alone something that is crippling. And right now..... there is little that can harness this kind of pain and sorrow.

 

I am so sorry that some want you to stand as an example for other potential OW. No one wants to become a cautionary tale.

 

Just some random thoughts......

[whichwayisup]

He didn't end it because he wanted to do the 'right' thing, he begged me to carry on. I ended it so that he would do the right thing, it was me who even had to take responsibility for that.

 

 

As for those who want you to "get over it" - tell them to shove it. They can preach it but they can't live it. It takes a load of control to "get over" something annoying let alone something that is crippling. And right now..... there is little that can harness this kind of pain and sorrow.

 

I am so sorry that some want you to stand as an example for other potential OW. No one wants to become a cautionary tale.

 

Just some random thoughts......

 

Noone is telling her to 'get over it' we're just telling her to focus her anger in a different way that doesn't involve revenge and adding MORE drama into her life. She has a choice in how to handle this and she's admitted she hasn't handled it well. What's done is done as in the telling MM's boss what has happened... She CAN take time to really THINK things through before telling the MM's wife. Now isn't the time. Not only because the wife has a new baby, but also Rooke's frame of mind and her emotional state. It's all on raw emotion and people DO things that they later regret.....

[SidLyon]

I think Rooke has done the right thing. Irrespective of her motives the MM "deserves" to have his activities exposed and his BW needs to know everything. If his employer doesn't care (and many don't) then it won't have an adverse impact on his job. If his employer does care then the MM knew what he was risking, and needs the "consequences" people on LS talk about so much.

 

Rooke, what's stopping you from going to your local Electoral Commission Office and checking his address on the electoral roll? You seem to know his name and roughly where he lives, which is often sufficient to locate the address.

[Woman In Blue]

However, why do you want to tell the wife now? Is it to cause further problems for the xOM? Why do you want the wife to know? Is it to spread the misery even further? Please examine your motives for telling her before you write that letter.

Why do her motives have to be the deciding factor in whether a wife is told information she NEEDS to be told? Who cares what Rooke's motives are - does that make this information any LESS important to the wife?

[BB07]

I think Rooke has done the right thing. Irrespective of her motives the MM "deserves" to have his activities exposed and his BW needs to know everything. If his employer doesn't care (and many don't) then it won't have an adverse impact on his job. If his employer does care then the MM knew what he was risking, and needs the "consequences" people on LS talk about so much.

 

Rooke, what's stopping you from going to your local Electoral Commission Office and checking his address on the electoral roll? You seem to know his name and roughly where he lives, which is often sufficient to locate the address.

 

Why do her motives have to be the deciding factor in whether a wife is told information she NEEDS to be told? Who cares what Rooke's motives are - does that make this information any LESS important to the wife?

 

This whole thread is a mess of contradictions and honestly it gets under my skin.

 

Here we have Rooke who yes willingly signed up to be an OW...........BUT she was tricked and lied to (as most are in varying degrees) and then she made some extreme decisions (she moved) based upon his lies. So some posters think she deserves what she got and then others sympathize with her but think she shouldn't vent that anger. Then you have some posters who think that because she contacted his employer that it was bunny boiler behavior and frankly I don't see it as that big of a deal, it's not like she went after him with an ax and hey I've got to wonder how much of the protectiveness that OW's feel for the mm come into play when criticizing Rooke for that.

 

Something else to think about.........just pretend for a moment that Rooke was the BS, no one would bat an eye about her outing him to his employers then, now would they? And...........another contradiction is here you have posters saying no, no, don't tell the BS, (let's put aside that she just had a baby, actually I don't recall if she has had the baby or not but anyway.....back to that contradiction. Some BS's say they don't care how or why someone tells them, they just want to KNOW but yet there are plenty of posters telling her NOT to tell.

 

Anyone else as baffled with the responses as I am?

[Ellin]

As for those who want you to "get over it" - tell them to shove it. They can preach it but they can't live it. It takes a load of control to "get over" something annoying let alone something that is crippling. And right now..... there is little that can harness this kind of pain and sorrow.

 

I believe I've had more than my fair share of abuse from many people in life. I never went out looking for revenge and inflicting more destruction. All I ever did was rage to my friends really.

 

In the end I found peace easier IMO than I would have, had I acted on my emotions.

 

I wasn't preaching, only sharing.

[Ellin]

Something else to think about.........just pretend for a moment that Rooke was the BS, no one would bat an eye about her outing him to his employers then, now would they? ?

 

I personally wouldn't see it any differently.

[Silly_Girl]

I personally wouldn't see it any differently.

 

Agreed!! I wouldn't involve work on either count. No way.

[bentnotbroken]

Why do her motives have to be the deciding factor in whether a wife is told information she NEEDS to be told? Who cares what Rooke's motives are - does that make this information any LESS important to the wife?

 

I am always one who advocates for the BS to be told....I don't care what the motives are. Information is ammo.

[Loni]

I am surprised that everyone is telling Rooke how silly she is for doing what she did. Most BS are encouraged to out the MoFo to everyone. They get ^5'd for doing it all the time. Just as Rooke chose to enter the affair so did the MM man. She took the chance that he was full of ****z and he took the chance that his bunny might get boiled. I do think it was not the wisest thing to do.

 

My husband's EW was encouraged to boil my bunny too. She went to where I work and struck out because everyone already knew. The crazy wife story continues today in our office even years later. She did the same thing to my family. The advice I got from everyone was that I needed a restraining order and she looked like a nut.

 

At the end of the day if a MM feels the need to cheat he really should pick a MW because of mutual assured destruction in situations like this. Having an affair with a SW is a crap shot if you plan on staying married. Never risk what you can't afford to lose would appear to be the moral of this story.