Ugh! My sister's husband.

[Brenfy]

Basically, I can't stand him. Actually, aside from my sister, I'm pretty sure no one in my family likes him.

 

He's chauvinistic, rude, inappropriate, pretty much an alcoholic & he thinks a lot of himself. He makes comments about how the men in our family need to regain control.

 

He always insults the food at family functions. He told my 8 year old cousin that the dish he had worked so hard on was inedible.

 

He's made sexually inappropriate comments about me. Gross enough that my husband asked that I make sure I'm never alone with him (which I'd never want to be anyway).

 

And, the longer she's married to him, the more like him my sister becomes, which makes me not like her too much either.

 

Anyway, here is my problem. I've been able to avoid spending time with them, except for family functions. But, recently, my sister has started sending me nasty messages about what a bad sister I am because I never invite them when I do things with my friends.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't stand being around her husband. Am I an awful sister? Should I suck it up &invite them out once in awhile?

 

If I tell her the truth I'm afraid that it'll create a permanent wedge. I don't want to never speak to her again but I also don't want to spend my weekends with someone I can't stand.

[Ouroboros]

Maybe your sister has some pent up ill will toward her family and she picked a guy who would actually voice it.

[LuckyCharm]

Have you told your sister how you feel? does she know about the sexual comment her husband has made towards you and how uncomfortable that makes you?

[Eddie Edirol]

The wedge was already created when your family doesnt like the guy, your sister feels it, and she is becoming more like him. She already knows that youre not inviting her because of him, you might as well torpedo it. She has the choice to make on whether to please her family, or herself, she is choosing herself. if thats what she wants, give it to her. If hes that bad, she might eventually dislike him when she is isolated. You dont want your friends thinking you hang with someone you dont like just to be a people pleaser.

[Brenfy]

I do think my sister has issues with our family but I'm not exactly sure why. She's the youngest & most spoiled. She has always complained about how persecuted she was growing up but I was there & I don't see it.

 

She had always loved drama though. Every girlfriend she had ever had turned into a b1tch, according to my sister. She had to home school in high school because school was just much too stressful. My parents sent her to counseling but that just made her angry at them for thinking she was a "pyscho".

 

She had a serious boyfriend at 15 who she would have married had she been old enough. My parents tried to limit their contact because they were too serious too soon too young. He ended up being a crazy who constantly told her she was the only thing stopping him from killing himself & she better never leave him...she kept this a secret for a long time but once my parents found this out, they contacted his parents & made her cut off contact. She hated them for that, but now she rewrites history & says she never even cared about him.

 

She had one other boyfriend before her now husband. She also wanted to marry him but he wasn't old enough. Also, according to my sister, his mother & sister hayed her and were constantly trying to get him to dump her.

 

Three weeks after they broke up she started dating her husband. I found him obnoxious from the first minute but I was always nice. And my family had always been nice. Even when he was totally rude to our faces.

 

It's funny - when they really dating my sister's husband used to love to talk about how awful my parents were because they made her do the dishes - how could they make her clean up their messes?! The outrage. Now, we've all heard him complain about how bad she is at housework.

 

Anyway, I try not to make it obvious that I can't stand her husband. I'm always nice at family gatherings. I just don't know what to do now that she's started sending me nasty messages. If she had said "hey sis, I miss you. Let's hang out." I would have planned a girls' night or something.

[Tayla]

Brenfy (edited Quote) "Anyway, I try not to make it obvious that I can't stand her husband. I'm always nice at family gatherings. I just don't know what to do now that she's started sending me nasty messages. If she had said "hey sis, I miss you. Let's hang out." I would have planned a girls' night or something./END QUOTE

 

This says so much about how you do deserve to be spoken too.

 

We rarely can choose out childhood family but in our adult years we can chose our adult family....Graciously keep your distance from her. Be socially accomodating when need be , but leave the "blood" lines to the past, you only owe her a straight answer if she ever musters up a confrontation on the real issues. You deserve better then the comments or actions of this family member....

[WhisperinnWinds]

She certainly does sound like a spoiled brat. Sending nasty messages through e-mail or Facebook is something that a teenager would do. Rather than being straightforward and politely asking, "I've noticed we don't hang out together much. Would you like to do something?" or "Hey, I've noticed that we don't do x, y and z anymore. Is something wrong?" would have gotten her somewhere. Instead, she automatically goes on the offensive.

 

I don't think that you owe her an answer. Whether or not you answer her and how honestly you answer her depends on if the rest of your family will back you up. She may well be in denial in a bad marriage, and has slowly grown to be more like him as a result of being around him. He may feed into her negativity about the family. Accept that if you DO say something, you risk permanently alienating her or suffering awkwardness when you are forced to be around her at any family events.

 

If you do confront her, do it privately but in person. I would say, "Jill, I have wanted to talk to you a long time about this because I'm concerned. Jack has made sexual comments about me - he said (bleep). He also told Junior that the cake he made would be rejected even by starving men because of its taste. We would all really appreciate it if Jack wouldn't comment negatively on our family or correct our grammar or anything like that. We love you guys and look forward to seeing you at our next gathering." It's a cordial and gentle way to criticize this buffoon's behavior. But, given your sister's temperament, you risk inciting her even more.

 

Once you've said that, you need say no more - she should get a clue as to why she isn't invited out. Her husband's a jerk and she's becoming jerk #2.

 

But, given that she's choosing a juvenile way to go about the whole thing, I'd say don't respond. If she calls you out in person on it, you can always crack a smile and say, "Oh, I don't open my messages very often. What's up?"