His past is making me a mental basketcase!

[Hansi]

Hello friends,

I dont know where to start here, but i know this issue is a very big deal to many out there. I just don't know if anyone is affected by it quite like i am! It is getting so weird, that i am starting to shut down, not wanting to dicuss it b/c it is so rediculous...

We r both 32, and have been together 2.5 years. We've been in bad serious relationships before. This time around however, i am having a terrible time of getting over the fact that he has quite a past-emotional and physically. It's like hello!-we r in our thirties, of course we've been with other people. But, he let's out TMI from time to time, not intentionally, but enough to where i get that gut wrenching, blood boiling feeling. He's apparently been with plenty of women, since he tells me about the ones he's dated, the ones he's messed around with, and the ones he had a serious thing with. For example, he has told me about his last serious relationship, with details about their wedding plans and baby plans, and the house they were ready to buy. TOO many details! Let's just say, i loathe the jeep he owns, b/c he bought it for the baby "they" were gonna have. I want to torch the thing. It's a constant reminder. He's told the feel good story of about how everyone makes mistakes and have regrets-but he goes a step further to tell me about how he slept with his friend's wife long ago while being intoxicated, and how he regretted the whole thing 'cause it ruined his friendship. OUCH! And finally the fact that he used to be a part of a freakshow band that would put on "shows" on stage that involved people getting genital piercings, getting whipped and beat up, being cut and lit on fire, and finally doing live freaked sex acts in front of crowds. But he claims he did not participate in the sex acts, and its all in the past, and it was when he was in his freaky long hair industrial days. But COME ON, that gives any potential girlfriend plenty to think about!!! So here's the obvious problem- I kinda was able to let all this history go in the beginning, but lately, it has led me to drink, get VERY upset, and bothered. I throw nasty jabs about him, and cannot loosen up enough to even get intimate. Now i am not claiming to be any kind of virgin mary here, but all i think about is him and his past women. I obsess, and wonder how "good" they were, if i'm not freaky enuff, and if i really suck in bed as compared to them. I have stalked the x-fiance on Facebook, checking in and writing screwed up messages to her. The sad thing is that he's said nothing bad or negative about me, he constanty tells me how good i am for him, how much he loves me, and how much better i am then them. He supports and trys to help me 110%. But these paranoias are very real, and i'm surprised myself to see what a big problem this is. I'm jealous of his past on an emotional level (he loved someone else enough to marry and have a kid with) and physically (god knows what freaky things they used to do together). I am uncomfortable being naked around him, and have a mental block over dressing up in lingerie(nutty, i know). All i do is picture him doing things with other females. It's awful. So i drink to make it go away, and take sleeping pills to try and stop these thoughts and images. I really do think i have a serious problem. He's reaching his breaking point here, and we're on the verge of calling it quits. But i love this guy so much, he's been there for me like no other, and i deep down want us to work. The past is just wrecking my mind. The images r burnt into my brain! Help! Make them go away, I'm going loco..

[Professor X]

It's kinda obvious that you're suffering from retrospect jealousy.

 

You should seek professional help because you're so messed up that you feel the need to drink your problems away; I'm sorry, but that doesn't solve a thing, that only temporarily makes the issue cloudy enough for you to fall asleep.

 

You really need to fix the problem from its root, and only a professional therapist can do that. I think these forums here won't help you enough.

 

If you won't go to a therapist or any other professional who is certified to help you, than you might as well call it quits now.

[WhisperinnWinds]

If you do see a therapist about the retroactive jealousy, you should first ask if they're familiar with something called Purely Obsessional OCD - or "Pure O" in common parlance. You can search for it, but unlike the usual OCD, people who have Pure O OCD usually have only the obsessions and not the compulsions - so it can remain hidden for YEARS while people quietly suffer. You're also obviously depressed - getting treated for Pure O would probably help that.

 

I have been where you are. In terms of retroactive jealousy, your situation is one of the more rational ones. He went on and on about his past life. I also experienced that. It lends an importance to the past more than what it should have. I also struggle with the associations made with his past.

 

Let this be a warning to everyone out there: if you're done with your past, don't over-indulge your partners with stories. After several dates, I think it's fair to sum up who you dated in a sentence or two - but never divulge sexual details. Never emphasize how important they were to you at the time. Discussing it in detail, as in here, lends it an importance that it should no longer have in the present. If it's rare, occasional, and brief, it's fair to bring up a relevant snippet about an ex if you can't omit her presence. Other than that, it's unnecessary.

 

Jealousy is often the result of two forces - a person predisposed to jealousy and a person who incites the jealous behavior. Often in our society, the jealous person is blamed entirely for the problem.

 

You need to speak frankly with your partner and tell him that discussions about the past end now. He is with you now, so he needs to learn to bury the fiancee with whom he planned to have a child. She's done and over. You also need to get a handle on your drinking - but I suppose first you may need to get a handle on the retroactive jealousy. Don't mix alcohol and sleeping pills. And stop messaging his ex - she has nothing to do with you and never did. You are torturing an innocent woman. Unless she's interfering in your relationship now, she doesn't deserve it.

 

It may be too late to save your relationship - because even if you get treatment for whatever you have, you still know a great deal of details. For me, trying to force myself to focus on my positive points and to rationalize my thoughts really helped. It is VERY easy to get hooked on thoughts of, "He still wants to be with her but this is a lie!"

 

I started writing down common-sense solutions to these obsessive thoughts. When I imagine them having sex, I actually have kept cards around focused on his feelings for me, the relationship we have now, and how unimportant the sex was in the grander scheme of things. Or, I keep cards to distract myself - I'll write down funny stories about friends, family members or myself. Often that can be enough to get my focus onto something else.

 

I hope for the best for you. It is a very painful and very real kind of agony...and, when it gets to the point it has for you, often a mental illness. Good luck.

[novus69]

Hansi, I can relate to your post. In my last relationship it wasn't so bad in the beginning but after story after story of all the women/ girls (some of them a little too young for my taste too….) it started to really bother me and I noticed this growing paranoia within me.

 

To ad to this he also had to tell me about women/ girls that were supposedly coming on to him while we were together as well...I think he intentionally wanted to make me jealous (?) or show of his manhood (he craves female attention)....who the hell knows.

 

In the beginning you discount it and think "wow, this guy is really open and honest" until you reach the point were you think "wait a minute, he did not just tell me that....".....

 

You start adding all these things up in your head and I know exactly what you mean by these images being "burnt into your brain".

 

May be I had this retrospect jealousy too, however, looking back, it was just a bunch of red flags (see my post "the forest of red flags"). May be I watched one Dr Phil episode to many years ago when he said " a good predictor of future behavior is past behavior".....it couldn't have been more true in my case.

 

I did a little extra drinking during and after the break up ☺, however, while living with him I literally started having physical symptoms towards the end as well. Pretty much my whole being was telling me to get the hell out.

 

In my case I had plenty of warning signs that I was just a repeat of his pattern. In your case I’m wondering if he is not over his past and you are becoming very insecure about yourself because of it.

 

I really wish you the best. If you can get therapy, go for it! It is hard to deal with this on your own, you’ll drive yourself crazy. Just be honest with yourself . Has he given you any indication or reason to think he has been dishonest or unfaithful in your time together or are you truly just stuck with his words from his past?

[love4me2c]

Sorry to say this but maybe it's just him? I think we are all a little susceptible to jealousy. Heck if my bf didn't get jealous, then I'd think he didn't love me. But, I do not say or do things to intentionally make him jealous. I"m not so sure about your bf. Some men really get off on making women crazy like this. I think you should consider what life will be like with this man going forward. If he's the type that likes the jealousy etc, that isn't going to be good for you at all. Plus like others have said, drinking isn't going to help you out of this situation. Only you can and with a clear mind.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Agreed with all of you guys - to an extent. I think there may still be some underlying condition (maybe not even pure O) that's causing her to play through this again and again. But her boyfriend is definitely doing some jerky things to her. Some men really are so dense to think that they can talk to their girlfriends like they'd talk to other guys - divulging EVERYTHING. Honesty is not the best policy.

 

Counting off former lovers or describing situations just leads her to realize that you still distinctly recall all of those episodes of your life. Rationally, she knows it. But she'd much rather pretend that they've all long-burned away in the memory bank, and no one remembers anything anymore. No one wants to be another notch on the bedpost, which is precisely how he's made her feel. I can empathize.

 

Your self-esteem will probably be shaky for a while...but at the very least you must have the "no more" conversation with him. And then maybe even a trial separation period to get yourself back together. In my situation, my boyfriend thankfully stopped talking about her - although my obsession to some degree still continues, although only in my head. It is very, very difficult to feel worthwhile, wanted and loved when the partner is so invested in his past like that.

 

With him so invested in his past, how could you not be? That's my reasoning.

[April72]

I know this might be a little late for a post. But girl.... I am so right there were you are!!!. I have not started drinking but I think about it alot... I have though taken sleep aids so that I don't wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and spin out cause it's even worse then.

 

My BF and I are such dear friends we were best friends for a good 6 months before we started dating. So he was very comfortable just not filtering.... not talking to me like a "woman" but a friend. At first it all rolled off of me.... but a 1 1/2 of dating later... I started to feel like just another woman in a very very long line of women. He then dropped the biggest bomb ever and told me about his past threesomes.... OMG I reached my breaking point with that. I told him I could no longer handle it... I'm not that cool. Stop.... why did he think I would want to know.

 

He's been very apologetic promises to quit. Feels really bad he hurt me. He by far is better to me then any other man ever. We connect and it's almost to easy he and I. I love him dearly. But like you the more time that goes by the less I want to be intimate with him. I feel worthless and inadequate and obessessed and NUTS!!! I can't believe that I'm gonna allow things he did 20 yrs ago ruin what we have now... but it's getting there.

 

Being a single mom I can not afford therapy.... nor do I have the time. But I am going to talk to a dr about possible meds. I'm trying daily to pray and work thru it. blogging on here helps some. It's killing me. Your not alone. good luck.