Finding strength to leave an abusive relationship, I have lots of issues to deal with

[msshelby]

I need to leave this very abusive and codependent relationship that I have been in for nearly 6 years. I'm n my mid 30's, he is late 40's, we moved in together quickly. I should have ran for the hills a month in, but I keep ignoring all the signs. We were friends first with common interests and he is very charming. The more I got to know him, it seemed we clicked on a lot of levels. After the first time we made love, he confessed to me he didn't know if getting involved with me was a good idea since he has been in love with an ex for over a decade. I should have listened to that, I think he is still in love with her today. He's not really a "looker" per se; I assumed a hot babe such as myself would have him eating out of the palm of my hand and forgetting about her in no time, boy was I ever wrong. Regardless of the details, he has been physically but much more emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. While he may have started things, I've hit him as well. I'm just not as skilled as he is with the cutting cruelty of emotional abuse. Really, the details aren't all that important; the relationship needs to end.

 

Before we met I was a problem drinker, within a year of dating my alcoholism was full blown. Over the last 4 years my depression has gotten deeper and this last month my anxiety is completely through the roof. I have had one full blown panic attack in the last several months, several times I have had to sit in the car for 30+ minutes for the anxiety and panic to pass for me to just get out of the car and try and accomplish whatever errand I was taking care of.

 

Abuse wasn't something he introduced me to. At 7 my parents divorced and my mother gave up custody, major abandonement issues with that. I was sexually abused by a babysitter and several family members from 4 to 17. At 26 I was kidnapped and beaten by a stranger; I was very lucky to escape without being raped. Still, it had appeared that I thrived. I had a very successful career, lots of friends, was very fit, always impeccably dressed and groomed, beautiful apartments, etc. Got to travel with US extensively as well as a few trips to Europe. I'm clearly a shell of that these days. I've gained at least 40 pounds, my house may be clean but disorganized, I don't take care of my appearance and frankly don't want to go out and have the world see what a gross fat slob I've become. I prefer not to leave the house. I have a gym membership I can't manage to use, a list of projects to work on a mile long, and yet I accomplish very little on a daily basis. To keep myself from drinking in the afternoons, often I'll take a nap.

 

A big issue in the relationship wth my boyfriend is money. He is somewhat comfortable financially, his family invested in real estate on his behalf and he also has a trust fund. So when he needed some money quickly and didn't want to turn to family I loaned him the money. It's a very decent amount of money; I attached one of his houses that has no mortgage against it and I charged him interest. I had assumed we would get married and I would forgive the loan. Rather than bringing us closer it drove us apart. I am about to be repaid the money, giving me a nice cushion to land on while I leave the relationshp. But I am completely scared of what comes next. I haven't worked in nearly 4 years, the employment outlook is fairly bleek for those who are unemployed. I want to invest most of the money, not piss it away. I don't know where to move, I don't want to stay where I am. I'm literally researching cities on both coasts and in between. Due to my family issues, I have no desire to be near them. My friends all abandoned me after comforting me one time too many after one of his outbursts. Many people thought I was lowering myself to be with this man.

 

I'm a depressed alcoholic in an abusive relationship. Treatment for my depression hasn't worked, and yet with my depression and anxiety it is too hard to not drink. I've tried therapy but have yet to click with a therapist after working with 4 in the last 3 years. The one I did click with, I had to stop sessions due to an insurance lapse. Since I've had coverage again she won't return my calls. I know I need some sort of treatment, but what? I want to get better, to be physically and emotionally healthy. I'm very far from that now.

 

I don't know where to go, how to get better, what the hell to do. I'm very overwhelmed. I'm frightened of how alone I am going to be.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Sorry you go through all this. It seems like you have taken the decision in your head, that's the first step. The rest is practical stuff, not easy but once you know you have to get out, this will be solved at some point.

 

As far as therapy is concerned, try EMDR. It's a great therapy to work through traumas. You have had your share of those. I am pretty sure that with an EMDR treatment, your depression and anxiety will be much better and consequently you won't feel the need to drink that often. EMDR helped me to overcome an abusive relationship. The abuse was not physical but boy, had that man a vicious character.

 

I hope you will find the strenght to leave this relationship.

[CAFamilyLaw44]

I had tears in my eyes while reading your story, and I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

 

As you already know, drinking in order to avoid anxiety usually doesn't work, especially if you are already on medication to help with the condition, i.e. those prescriptions should not be mixed with alcohol as then that combination can cause severe liver damage.

 

Have you thought of possibly enrolling yourself in an in-patient rehabiliation center? Or if that is not feasible, maybe an out-patient program might be beneficial?

 

In terms of being alone after leaving, remember that you have all the supporters on this forum to depend on when it comes needing advice or a positive boost for the day.

 

Wherever you do choose to go, there are community programs and organizations that exist for the purpose of the people in the particular city being able to have a place to meet and get to know one another. You can also initate a block party barbecue to see your new neighbors, or any other kind of activity that gets everyone involved.

 

Also, try to remember that as bad as it is right now, you can only go up from a down position so you have happy things to look forward to.

 

Best of luck in your situation.

 

CAFamilyLaw44

www.prepyourdivorce.com