How do I stop my insecurities pushing him away again... Just want it to work!!

[Daaanz]

Okay, me and my ex broke up a little over a month ago, this being because a few months into our relationship he kissed another girl, really quite minor I know, but it really got to me, broke me down and made me very insecure. However I know he changed for the good but I could just not stop worrying and eventually pushed him away... He came back to me after a month, and in this time he's begun talking to quite a few girls again, which I know I have to accept but the thing is, in a relationship I do trust him. I'm just very insecure and worry a lot, he's always there if I do get upset or something and he reassures me everything is okay which is lovely, but how do I stop these paranoid thoughts in the back of my head?I don't want him to have to reassure me, or make me feel better. They're completely irrational and after the time apart they're no where near as bad as before but there's still little worries from time to time..Does anyone have any advice please? I just want to be able to put my full trust into him, and really make our relationship work because I know it will. And if he does turn around and hurt me, then I guess it'll be my mistake, but how do I overcome the worries?

[Professor X]

Okay, me and my ex broke up a little over a month ago, this being because a few months into our relationship he kissed another girl, really quite minor I know

No, it's not "quite minor" - it's a big deal.

 

but it really got to me, broke me down and made me very insecure. However I know he changed for the good

You can't know this and cheaters rarely do change.

 

but I could just not stop worrying and eventually pushed him away...

Completely understandable.

 

He came back to me after a month, and in this time he's begun talking to quite a few girls again, which I know I have to accept

Wrong again, you don't have to accept anything from that moron.

 

but the thing is, in a relationship I do trust him. I'm just very insecure and worry a lot, he's always there if I do get upset or something and he reassures me everything is okay which is lovely

Which is what all cheaters do after they are caught if given the second chance.

 

but how do I stop these paranoid thoughts in the back of my head?

You don't stop them and moreover, you can't.

You should browse these forums and you will see people who were cheated on posting here with the very same thing or alternatively you will see the cheaters here post something along the lines of: "I cheated, she forgave me, it's been a year since and now she's acting all weird again, bring it up, don't trust me, etc etc..."

 

I don't want him to have to reassure me, or make me feel better. They're completely irrational

Why irrational? He did cheat on you once.

 

and after the time apart they're no where near as bad as before but there's still little worries from time to time..Does anyone have any advice please? I just want to be able to put my full trust into him, and really make our relationship work because I know it will. And if he does turn around and hurt me, then I guess it'll be my mistake, but how do I overcome the worries?

From the dozen of threads I've read here I can tell you that there isn't really a way to over come such a thing.

A trust is a fragile thing and once broken, it rarely ever truly mend again.

You might feel for a short while that everything is okai, but eventually the doubts will surface again.

 

But at any rate, even if I knew of a way, I wouldn't share with you, because you're just blindly in love with him and can't think straight (after being hurt) so it's a recipe for pain for you.

 

Good luck though, if that's what you truly want for yourself.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Cheaters can change - but in your case you can't make him change. He has to find the root cause that's pushing him to cheat. For some men it's the variety, the ego boost, what have you. For still others, it's a way to prove themselves because they feel so insecure.

 

Some can't deal with the emotional closeness of a relationship, despite wanting it; so they unconsciously find ways to distance themselves from the relationship and cause its break-up. I have seen cheaters break up with their partners in the same fashion time and time again. They have two competing thoughts, and unfortunately one always wins.

 

The question is: what did he do after he kissed that girl? Did you just break up with him and was that it? Did he express remorse - did he take action or tell you what he would do to prevent something similar from happening again? Has he been trustworthy in other areas? If you never got closure for that incident...no wonder you're still concerned!

 

Don't try to push those thoughts aside. They're a defense mechanism. All of a sudden he's talking to a bunch of girls again? Finding a man with a single, heterosexual, close female friend is a major turn-off to me - mostly because there's often some attraction or interest there. Finding him with tons of friends in that category is a definite no. He's living a player-sort-of-lifestyle. He kissed a girl and (presumably without having to suffer for his actions) you went back to him. What reason does he have to change?

 

Keep an eye on these friends if you stay. But really, your best bet is probably to walk. He was kissing another girl after only a FEW MONTHS with you. It isn't like it's years later and he got tired out and bored with you.

[Daaanz]

Sorry, I don't think I explained clearly enough, he cheated about a year and a half ago now... Since then he hasn't. We broke up a month ago because I became kinda obsessive and paranoid, I was just everything you wouldn't want and I admit to that. We were broken up for a month, I accept that he would like girls as friends and I don't mind as long as he does nothing to make me feel uncomfortable. But he came back to me after a month away when he could have continued to chase any girl he wanted. But now he's back I would really like to make a proper go of things, im not 100% sure but I really don't think he would cheat again. I just want to be able to trust him so that we can have a healthy relationship, but right now it's not him doing anything to make me feel paranoid or that there is anything I should feel paranoid about, I feel it's all in my head and I just want it gone.

[thatone]

that's why he keeps coming back to you. you're completely irrational in his favor.