1 year marriage and considering divorce due to broken promises

[1yearmarriage]

Today is our one year wedding anniversary and our marriage is on the rocks. No, we are not celebrating; actually, we have not been on speaking terms for two days now. Here are the reasons:

 

When we got married a year ago we only had a civil ceremony in his town, only my father attended and no family members from his side as his whole family lives abroad. However, we announced to his family that we will travel abroad as soon as possible for the wedding and reception with the whole family. I waited patiently until he was financially prepared to cover the costs. A year later, that is recently, I booked our honeymoon for next month with my financial resources (I am paying for it) and he made me cancel it this week. Although his family have been really looking forward to our visit and the wedding, this week he just told me that we are not going anywhere and also that he is not taking the two-week honeymoon trip next month that I booked.

 

I feel extremely disappointed; since a year has passed and I didn’t have the promised wedding, honeymoon, and dream wedding ring set (he gave me a provisional $350 wedding set, until he could buy me a better one of $4,000). He argues that he doesn’t want to deplete his $30,000 savings and that my behavior is selfish and don’t think about the future.

 

On the other hand, I feel disappointed that my childhood dream of a beautiful ring, wedding and honeymoon has been broken. Yes, I do have the financial resources from my savings to pay for all that myself but hey, if I have to pay for my own ring, wedding, and honeymoon, why marry right?! I might as well marry myself! I don’t know if my argument is right, but truly, I feel that conforming is cheating myself and giving up my dreams. I feel I sold myself short in this marriage. Since we can’t agree on this, we are considering divorce.

 

What do you think? Any advice is appreciated.

[GorillaTheater]

I think you may be more enamored with the idea of a fairy tale wedding than you are with your husband.

 

Forget the wedding business for a moment. How is your relationship? How's your communication? Have you met his family? Have you discussed whether he's reluctant for some reason for his family to travel where you are?

[CAFamilyLaw44]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, especially on your one-year anniversary.

 

Though it may be hard to give up the dream that you have, you have to ask yourself if it is truly worth it to stay in a marriage where you have already cancelled your honeymoon and where your spouse seems to be so obstinate and unrelenting on his position.

 

Does he even care that he is disappointing his entire family by making the decision to not travel and visit them for the wedding and reception?

 

If you really want the dream of the fairy tale wedding and strong marriage afterwards, maybe it is time to leave your husband and thus give yourself a chance to find the person you deserve who only wants to love and cherish you and treat you like the queen that you are.

 

On the other hand if you do want to work it out with your spouse, maybe try couples' counseling? Much insight can be gained from that process if you choose to try it.

 

I hope this helps, and best of luck with your situation.

 

CAFamilyLaw44

www.prepyourdivorce.com

[coolheadal]

Times are bad are it is, why are you want him to spend so much. You should happy with things. Sound like you care more about showing off what you have. Why did you settle on such a wedding you should have waited and a grand wedding if that's what you had wanted.

[willowthewisp]

I'm guessing it is not the wedding but rather what not having the wedding, the honeymoon, the rings represents? It represents that he does not value you, does not appreciate you and does not think enough of you to show you he cares by first, delivering on his promises when he knows how much they meant to you, secondly, not striving to provide the best he can to make you happy.

 

Guys, I can see why you came to the conclusion that this about a shallow thing of having the fairy tale day rather than it being about being married, the wedding is one day, the marriage a life time. BUT, that's just it, this about the marriage because these things or rather the lack of them and the lack of his appreciation and promises shows the underlying problem in the marriage.

 

Am I right OP?

 

I felt kind of similar with my ex, he and I were together nearly 20 years and despite being engaged he never married me, he left me after we finally did book our wedding. He was committment phobic i think, but it made me feel very unloved at the time, very undervalued. I would look at how other peoples husn=bands treated them and wonder why i was not worth the same effort.

 

A wedding, the honeymoon, these are things a women has thought about since she was a little girl, we are bought up to beleive that when a man a truely loves you, truely values you he wants to provide that, he wants to commit and he wants to do all he can to make you happy.

 

I am guessing OP that if he had never had any money, that he never had it now, you would have had a modest wedding, but with your family and friends there and then a modest honeymoon and it would have meant as much as a big do? It's not about the material aspects is it? It's about what it represents?

[1yearmarriage]

Dear Willowthewisp:

 

Thank you for the reply. You are totally right. Not accomplishing my childhood dreams makes me feel unappreciated and that I am not worth it. At least, not for him. I just want what every woman expects to have. And yes, I can tell from the responses, the gender of the person that replies, as apparently men, think of it as mostly material nonsense. But, as you said, the wedding, honeymoon and rings represent are gestures of appreciation and how much a man values you.

 

Thank you.

[willowthewisp]

Ok 1 year, so the question is what do you do from here?

 

You obviously did love him to marry him and now that love has probably taken a beating due to how his behaviour is making you feel, but perhaps he does just not get it either? Maybe he doesn't see the underlying issue and if he realised he would feel dreadful? Not defending him, just saying it could be the case possibily.

 

Talk to him? If you have trouble communicating it to him then maybe suggest you go to a marriage counsellor to help the two of you communicate things in a better way? See if it can be fixed first, try and work it out and maybe things can be back to a good place where they were when you married?

[scaredandalone1223]

I can relate to how you feel but is it really worth risking someone who loves you to put on a show. My husband and I had a small service with only our maid of honor, best man, my parents and our 3 month old in attendance. For years I wanted to renew our vows with a big ceremony, but it never happened. I received a small ring and had to wait 10 years for my big diamond. At 13 years we still have not had a big ceremony and are looking at 15 years but quite frankly would rather spend the cash on a nice belated honeymoon. I got so caught up in the resentment of not having a service that I failed to see the loving husband I had in front of me. After last year, and our near divorce, I had to take a step back and look at what was really important.

 

 

We are just as married as couples/who spent $20,000 on a lavish wedding. !s a matter of fact 60-70% of our big wedding friends are now divorced. Don't get me wrong I know what childhood dreams mean, but it's not about the dress or the venue or the size of the ring. It's about the vows and the day in, day out love that you share that really matters.

[Just A Joe]

A lot of women carry those lifelong wedding dreams. Some of you had the wedding plan books. Am I right? My wife had dreamed of the songs that would be performed, wedding dress ideas, etc. I guess guys have it simple with the rented tux, show up with ring and badda bing.

 

What others are saying her to you is right. Look at the man in front of you. Maybe you don't have that diamond ring you wanted, the honeymoon and the wedding dress (that you'd wear once). Do you really need all of that?

 

The business about him not taking you to see his family threw me though. Is it a cost thing or is he trying to shelter or shield you from them or them from you? You mentioned another country. Perhaps he fears they wouldn't approve of his choice or you would be embarrased by them.

 

Try talking before you hit the courtroom. You'll save a lot of money and grief. (Believe me.) If this is really eating you, let him know. If he loves you, he should be able to at least compromise to a degree. Don't nag and whine if he won't though. If you insist and it goes nowhere, you'll need to jump off that train.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[trippi1432]

How's your relationship?Do you still love him?Are you happy with him?If not..it's better to have a divorce.Free yourself from him.. Divorce is the end of an old life and the beginning of a new life.

 

DivorceMentor - wouldn't mind seeing your own story here on LS, would help to relate the advice you give to see our own dynamics and understand your advice.

 

OP - in most cases, divorce costs twice as much as a marriage..both emotionally and financially. My first ex told me this when he had to pay for the divorce..I paid for the wedding, he paid for the divorce...we were married for less than 2 years but together for almost 6 years....we had been together since high school.

 

In my second marriage...I paid for both, the wedding and the marriage...guess what..it's true!! Divorce costs twice as much...financially and emotionally. Think things through together. Isn't there a greater value put on the emotional value of your marriage rather than the financial aspect of it?

 

We all want the fairy tale wedding..the vow..the emphasis..but in the end, is that as important as the wanting the value of still being together 40 years later...50 years later...60 years later. While I can agree that this places a significance on the value you feel, other than the wedding and the want to be included in his family that lives abroad...how else does he show you that he values you?

[1yearmarriage]

Just a Joe:

 

Yes the wedding was suppose to take place in another continent. I believe is a financial issue, but also, since the relationship is not okay, he may be thinking 'why put on a show and involve the family?'

 

Thus, you may be right.

 

This is the day 2 we are not talking. Usually we sit down and talk again on day three or four. I appreciate the support of everyone in this forum and post a final note about how we solved the issue or how everything ended.

[robf1971]

He argues that he doesn’t want to deplete his $30,000 savings and that my behavior is selfish and don’t think about the future.

 

He's got a good point.

[imagine]

Girl, diamond rings and holidays abroad are just stuff. Not talking for two days is spiritual and undermines the vows that you made as a married couple.

 

The husband undertakes to love his wife. Does wearing a sparkler that you can share with the other girls do this for you. I guess partly, but did you marry the other girls or your husband.

 

Cecil John Rhodes successfully marketed the diamond as a sign of eternal marriage. Thanks to him our country is so much richer. Will you sacrifice your marriage for a brand.

 

What's the difference between you and a prostitute.

 

Marriage is about communication, trust, sharing ideals, meeting each others emotional needs. I recommend that you read the book: Five languages of love by Gary Chapman.

 

God bless!

[1yearmarriage]

I just wish to thank everyone who participated in this thread. Thank you all for your support. We did manage to find common ground and solve the conflict. Actually, on the 4th day, we argued again and agreed to go on our honeymoon trip as planned (paid by me), and he will pay for the wedding. So, we split costs. The dream wedding ring is still pending, so will be wearing the one that I have for much longer. Hopefully next anniversary will be better.

 

Thank you,

 

1yearmarriage.