Almuric Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color]Hi all. My wife of 18 years (lived together 6 before that) wants me out of the house by May. Says she "dosesn't feel the same about me anymore" and the only only only way is for me to go. Damnedable ouchie! I've been a stay at home Dad for our 5 yr old twins (B & G) since they were born. She went back to work and I went part time to weekends and on-call nights. I am totally devoted to and crazy about them (and her too). This is unbearable pain. I CANNOT be away from them. I'm addicted to my kids. She says shes tired of being a crutch for me. She has alwas made more $$$ than me. I've got a long history of comming up short in the career department. (Defense industry in the 80s(layoffs), medicine in the 90s (Clintons), but I always corrected my course and pushed on. I never abused, cheated, drank. But she is very unhappy and tired of working so hard (hotel sales). She is a AAA perfectionist personality and requires House Beautiful. I attempt to accomodate. Meanwhile, my Father died on Father's day last year while he was on vacation. I brought my Mom and his ashes home on my birthday (June), boxed up their house and sold it (August), found and moved her into an apt.(Sept), had hernia surgery (Nov). and started my own business(Feb), put that on hold to move her into a condo after painting it and installig a new floor ("but you had better paint our front room before you start on your mom's new place!!") and took care of the kids and had this house spotless and dinner cooked or cooking when she got home from work. During this whole time she has emotionally and physically CUT ME OFF, and now she tells me to get out and get my $^%* together. At one time long ago, we were best friends. Now we are less than room mates. Man, it hurts. A little Help? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 The worst situation is the one in which one person is determined to end a relationship and refuses to entertain any hope of reconciliation. I'm very sorry this has happened to you, but it seems that it is really the end. You can ask her to try counselling, but it sounds as though she's already set her mind to this course of action. It is possible that you could get custody of the kids since you've been doing most of the parenting. Talk to a lawyer fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Almuric Posted April 18, 2004 Author Share Posted April 18, 2004 That would be great but I dont make enough $$ to support them now. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I am sorry for what you are going through. I don't know that there is much to do to help your marriage unless your wife is willing to try... and it just doesn't sound as if she wanting/willing to do. Is it possible to try counseling? Will you have a place to go if she is seriously wanting you to move next month? If she was the main provider of the family, I do know that you can get alimony in a divorce settlement (I made 2/3 of the income for five years and when we filed, he was told that I could have to pay him to help him maintain his living... although in his case he had a severe dislike for work of any kind, lol). Also if you had custody of the children, she would have to pay child support to you. It sounds as if you have had a very rough year. Do you really want to stay with someone who would cut you off emotionally as well as physically when you are dealing with such tramatic things? I think you already have your $h!t together, but I do feel bad that you are in this situation. I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Fandango Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I have full custody of my kids, and I have no money. Well...have in the past found myself with no money, now I have a great job, but I don't think that's really what the courts look at. If you were the mom, and your spouse put you out, well, you'd go on income assistance wouldn't you? Until you found work...I really can't imagine they would not consider you for custody. Then again, this world is one messed up place. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Almuric, I certainly empathise with you and your wish to turn back time. We cannot. If she wants out then why doesn't SHE leave? Why hasn't SHE found the lawyer? I'm not faulting you in the least, but it sounds like she's asking you to do a lot of her work for her. Counselling would be worthless, especially since she's already made up her mind. See a lawyer and find out how you should proceed: Look before you Leap. Link to post Share on other sites
Fandango Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Actually, it's your house too, can't you refuse to leave...therefore forcing her to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Almuric Posted April 18, 2004 Author Share Posted April 18, 2004 She says" It's MY HOUSE and I'm NOT going anywhere!" I think all I do is certainly as valid and valuable as what she does. I just don't get paid. She dose'nt want me out next month, she wants me out BY next month. We are have some counciling, couple and me personally, but it is the same old "communication" stuff. Not very helpful. Believe me, she's communicating fine. She has agreed to see a counciler on her own too, but I don't see the effort to. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Well, you don't want to leave, so don't. Whatshegonna do? Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 She is the one wanting out of the marriage, you are home taking care of the kids, if she wants out so bad... let her be the one moving out. You have all the rights that a "housewife" would. It isn't up to her who the house belongs to, it doesn't matter that she is the one working~ you are working on making it a home. Best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I agree with the rest. Don't budge. It's the marital home and you have every bit as much right to be there as she does. Don't kowtow to this. Stand your ground. Link to post Share on other sites
Fandango Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Jeezuz, can you say double standard? If you were a woman, and the man was trying to put you out because you were not working and (the nerve) just stayed home all day chasing kids, cleaning and cooking for his fat ass....there is no judge in the world who would side with him. Does she make enough to support the whole family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Almuric Posted April 19, 2004 Author Share Posted April 19, 2004 Thank you all so much for your replies. If I'm not out by May, she will file for D. She says she needs this time apart to get her mind and heart together. But she will not leave the house. I want to help her. I still love her. There's still hope for us I think. I want to try to save this family and I will do anything I can to do that for my sake and the kids sake. Even if it means some time away from it. I would still be here for the kids during the day, then bug out at night, I guess. I don't want this to get ugly if it does'nt have to. Not yet. If, after the seperation(which is cemented in her mind that it HAS TO HAPPEN) she still wants to file, I will have a lawyer and I'll be ready to get what's mine. But I want things to stay as cordial as possible for now. We are still friendly to each other, and I think that is a good place to rebuild from. That and seeing a professional marriage councelor who's goal is to save them, not make the break-up easier like the geaser we have now. She's agreed to that so I still see some hopefor us. She does not make enough to support the family alone. I do work part time and make some $ but not $$$ like her. If the D were to happen the house would go and all the other changes would happen too. Our investments, my moms condo (she is paying the mortgage for our investment but would not want to continue that if her son's heart is broken). Then there would be child care, which is what we wanted to avoid in the first place. Forgive me but could this all be pre-menopausal? She is in her mid 40s. Hormones are so powerful, don't ya know. If it is I hope it passes soon, I can't wait and deal with this untill she's 55. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 Forgive me but could this all be pre-menopausal? She is in her mid 40s Absolutely! Perimenopause can start in the mid-thirties and it affects some people pretty heavily. A lot of women know about menopause but know little about perimenopause. I dont' know how you could bring it up easily, but it is definitey worth looking into, particularly if you find that her behaviour has changed quite a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 Well, I think you need to hire a couple of large guys that can handle a straight jacket. The ask her if she might be pre-menapausal and see who they suit up first. Link to post Share on other sites
bluebells2 Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 I can see her point of view. A man's place is to support the family and if she has been put in that position for most of your marriage she may be sick of it. It means she has lost respect for you. Could you think of getting your carreer started again. The kids are 5 and in school, should be the best time to do that. Try proving to her that you take her seriously. If you move out and care for your children and make a move towards starting a carreer she may realize how much she loves you. It is very hard. Yes if the situation were reversed yada yada, but it is not...you are the man. It is hard for a woman to be put in the role of being the man. Since this has been going on for so long it may not work to get back together. Think about from her point of view...she is responsbile for all men responsbilities that are financial, taking care of the house and making sure it is clean etc, because that is the womens role, then what her family and co-workers think about the situation, then the children on top of it. I can tell you...I have been doing it on and off for my husband and it gets on my nerves like you would not believe! Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Almuric Posted April 21, 2004 Author Share Posted April 21, 2004 I've definately been seeing her point too. More and more, recently. I truly may have come up short of my potential in my crumbled carreer past. And I really am focused on my own new business now. But I know: 1. It will take some time to grow to success. B. I will, no doubt, make some mistakes on the way. and 4. (see what I did there?) This whole separation thing is a major distraction, a black hole of fear, an emotional drain, but allbeit a neccessary one for her and yes mabey for me too. I may be starting to realize that now. Sometimes change may be the easy part. Realizing you NEED to change is the hard part. Assuming more responsibilty (for mistakes of the past and hope for the future) might be what she needs to see me do to help her remove some walls . If it gives me a hammer and a chizel, I'll start from my side. Daddy may need to leave the cave, go out and get the woolly mammoth, bring it back and show it to her and say "See! I can be a success. Ugg!" I think I'm ranting now. I'd better stop. PS. I'm the one who keeps the house in pristeen order Link to post Share on other sites
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