""I am not interested in a relationship with anyone at anytime"

[WasThereNowHere]

Hi, my bottom-line question is - when a man basically says "I won't love anyone ever again" - is that always true?

 

I am a woman in my 50's, and have been friends thru a social group with a man in his late 50's. We've known each other as friends for over 2 years.

We have similar upbringings, from the same city, and the same political & social views and even most hobbies.

 

He has never married. I am divorced (10 years) with 2 grown children. I lived with a guy for a few years, ending 4 years ago, but it didn't work out and I left. I've dated some other guys, but none long term. I never seemed to have much in common with them, and they never wanted to have a monogamous relationship with me.

 

Last winter, this guy asked me out on a real 'date', as in dinner at a nice restaurant, just the 2 of us. It seemed to go really well, until the very end, when he seemed like he wanted to get out of there as fast as he could.

When we parted in the parking lot, I touched his jacket (his chest) and he didn't respond at all. He just said bye, turned around, and got in his car.

(He has since said he was "cold").

 

I didn't hear from him again, so I first tried to figure out what I had done wrong, then after a while figured it was pointless. I didn't see him for a couple of months, then when the group started events again in the spring he was still with the group. He again acted as 'just a friend'.

 

Then suddenly, in the course of an online conversation just over a month ago, he made a sexual comment (funny in the context of the conversation), to the effect that if our team won, he would, um, go down on me if I wanted.

I wasn't sure if he was joking so I called his bluff and said "Sure!". We then proceeded to have a very sex laced conversation online, about things we like to do. I still wasn't sure if he was serious, & he has since said HE wasn't sure if I was serious!

 

Anyway, since then, we've gone out just the 2 of us a few times for lunch or dinner, fooled around in the car but no further so far, e-mailed & phoned daily (he usually calls me if he hasn't heard from me all day), & also have been to group events too, where he will always sit next to me and touch me on the leg or arm (as a boyfriend would do).

 

I asked him why he never called me back after that dinner last winter, and all he'd say was "I knew I'd see you again soon enough at a club meeting", and that he'd grown to like me even more thru our club meetings & Facebook posts.

 

BUT - and here's the problem - in one of our e-mail conversations, he said

his heart had been broken in COLLEGE (30+ years ago), & has been afraid ever since of rejection, and THEN he said "I don't know if I am capable of falling love...funny because I used to be the biggest romantic in the world. All I hope for nowadays is having a good friend with benefits...someone whom I intellectually enjoy, makes me laugh & who I can have good sex with, and I would offer back those same qualities." He's also told me he won't do one night stands, so that at least is good.

 

BUT, then again, he ALSO has said "I am not interested in a relationship with anyone at anytime...all I want is a friendship...but I am selective who my friends are".

 

I wouldn't take the above so seriously if I didn't know that he never has married.

 

I guess he hasn't TOTALLY ruled out falling in love ("I don't know"), but he has managed to go 35 years without falling in love, so I don't see how much chance I'd ever have. He's had girlfriends, but I don't know how long term any were, and he has said he never lived with anyone since his 20's.

He also said he hasn't gone out with anyone in over a year.

 

I don't want to remarry, BUT ideally, I'd love to live with someone again. And he has also said he doesn't want to SLEEP with me (as in overnight) due to sleep apnea & such. It seems he's pretty much ruled it out. I would really love to at least wake in the morning to see someone else, sometime again in my life.

 

So...my question is, do I cut my losses NOW? I could easily fall in love with this guy - he has ALL the qualities I'd want in a man, except that I don't think he'd ever love me back or even want to live with - or even sleep with - me.

 

I've heard that if you have to ask the question, it means you already know the answer. That makes me sad.

[Ouroboros]

I've heard that if you have to ask the question, it means you already know the answer.

Yes, that's pretty close. By the time they come to us they have already made up their mind.

 

I've noticed no one really wants advice. They want a green light or consensus.

 

As soon as you saw him possibly as a loss to cut it was over. You might never find someone who comes as close to what you want but he lacks something critical you are seeking.

[spiderowl]

BUT - and here's the problem - in one of our e-mail conversations, he said his heart had been broken in COLLEGE (30+ years ago), & has been afraid ever since of rejection, and THEN he said "I don't know if I am capable of falling love...funny because I used to be the biggest romantic in the world. All I hope for nowadays is having a good friend with benefits...someone whom I intellectually enjoy, makes me laugh & who I can have good sex with, and I would offer back those same qualities." He's also told me he won't do one night stands, so that at least is good.

 

BUT, then again, he ALSO has said "I am not interested in a relationship with anyone at anytime...all I want is a friendship...but I am selective who my friends are"

 

Sorry but there are lots of red flags here if you are hoping for a loving relationship with this guy. He has never married or lived with anyone for any length of time. He has said all he wants is friendship (which seems to equate to a bit of fooling around and then going home before morning) as well as taking up your time. He didn't seek you out earlier when he could have if he'd been interested. The fact that he's interested up to a point now doesn't convince me at all. He is still offering nothing but a cold, fooling around relationship.

 

I don't get the impression this guy cares for you. What has he said or done that implies he cares for you, as opposed to wants to fulfill his own needs?

 

I'm afraid I have no sympathy with guys who say they had their heart broken and so will never get involved again. This to me is a crap excuse for what they know to be true, that they are do not have any deep feelings for the other person. Everything this guy says that you have reported suggests a cool detachment and a knowledge on his part that he simply doesn't fall in love. I think he might become used to you and attached to you in the sense that you are familiar and convenient to him, but I doubt he is capable of empathy which is what you really need. Don't you want someone who genuinely cares about your feelings not just his own?

 

I have met guys like him and it's all about them - their feelings, their needs, their lack of commitment. You can end up being thrilled with some small gesture of affection without realising that you can have so much more with someone with empathy!

[manoj1980]

Yes, that's pretty close. By the time they come to us they have already made up their mind.

 

I am very much agree with your comments. I can feel your pain; its realy overwhelming my heart. But I can't return back your lost things.

 

I have also fell in love with a very cute girl. But at last she got married with another guy on 26-01-2011 (Wednesday), I can't forget her face althorugh and I can't fulfill her loss in my life again.

 

But she didn't understand my feeling ever.