Why such pain for BS?

[wheelwright]

OK so forgive me for stream of consciousness and not getting it all right.

 

I've been thinking that the real source of pain for a BS is that an A makes them feel irrelevant.

 

This is a primary mover for the ego of the BS. This is the worst thing that could happen to a community based animal. The soul has to become involved, as there are questions about life path at this point.

 

It is not that someone lies to you. We are lied to from Santa Claus through our dreadful haircuts and fat or skinny behinds. These are lies that put us at the centre, so forgivable.

 

I do not think the real problem with As is the lie, but more the casting aside of importance. This is a big problem for the ego to recover from, and this ego will fight to retain its eminence.

 

It simply wouldn't hurt if we thought we had discovered a lie and needed to move on from it. Lies are common.

 

It hurts because the lie excluded us.

 

I am only saying this, because I think the BS chant of 'don't lie' would be more truthful if it were 'only lie if I am in your heart while you do it'

 

I have been a BS, and I knew the latter was true. It didn't unnerve me much. Just made me think about the character of the WS.

 

I am trying to make sense of the extreme hurt felt in these circumstances, and I know I may be wrong.

 

Just asking for thoughts.

[Snowflower]

Hi WW, it's good to see you again and I'm glad you decided not to leave LS for now. I'm sorry that your marriage didn't work out.

 

I appreciate your well-thought out post.

 

I think you hit on the head with term "irrelevant," at least for me. After d-day I felt so insignificant to my H and the OW. I was in so much pain and it felt like the two of them were already 4 steps ahead of me.

 

That hurt a lot at the time. I didn't deal with the number of flat-out lies that so many BS's seem to deal with so the lying was never a huge factor for me in my situation. Rather than lying to my face that everything was fine, my H just started cutting me out of his life.

 

But the betrayal...the part that hurt the worst was that I and my life and my future (and that of our children) was being discussed and I didn't know anything about any of it. That was the betrayal that cut me the deepest. The other things that my H did were just a part of that same betrayal.

[wheelwright]

Hi WW, it's good to see you again and I'm glad you decided not to leave LS for now. I'm sorry that your marriage didn't work out.

 

I appreciate your well-thought out post.

 

I think you hit on the head with term "irrelevant," at least for me. After d-day I felt so insignificant to my H and the OW. I was in so much pain and it felt like the two of them were already 4 steps ahead of me.

 

That hurt a lot at the time. I didn't deal with the number of flat-out lies that so many BS's seem to deal with so the lying was never a huge factor for me in my situation. Rather than lying to my face that everything was fine, my H just started cutting me out of his life.

 

But the betrayal...the part that hurt the worst was that I and my life and my future (and that of our children) was being discussed and I didn't know anything about any of it. That was the betrayal that cut me the deepest. The other things that my H did were just a part of that same betrayal.

 

 

You are someone who seems to have recovered SF. I want you to recover because you have touched me.

 

I understand what you said above, and it helps me understand xBH

[bentnotbroken]

OK so forgive me for stream of consciousness and not getting it all right.

 

I've been thinking that the real source of pain for a BS is that an A makes them feel irrelevant.

 

Not so for me. I wasn't the one who was irrelevant or felt as such. He was so he needed someone to stroke his ego. He is a NPD so that will always be the case with him. There will never be enough to make him feel as if he is something other than what is going on in his head.

 

.

 

It is not that someone lies to you.

For me it is just that...the lies, the gaslighting, trying to make believe something that wasn't there. Letting me live a life that was a lie. Wasting my time with a person that would never be what I thought he was. That was a decision that was removed from me without my permission and by lying to me.

 

I do not think the real problem with As is the lie, but more the casting aside of importance. This is a big problem for the ego to recover from, and this ego will fight to retain its eminence

.

 

I understand this is your opinion and you are entitled to that...for me it wasn't true and I am not sure why that you believe lying isn't important. If you(general) continue to lie to me, how am I supposed to trust you. If you lie enough, like the boy who cried wolf, whatever comes out of your mouth is just diarrhea like drivel. And I don't know many people who will stand around and allow crap to be spewed at them without being

 

 

It simply wouldn't hurt if we thought we had discovered a lie and needed to move on from it. Lies are common

.

 

Lies are common, they shouldn't be. Especially lies that put the mental, emotional and physical well being of another at risk. That you can never make me believe is alright.

 

It hurts because the lie excluded us.

It hurts because no one was mature enough to me if I felt the need to put my health at risk.

 

 

I am only saying this, because I think the BS chant of 'don't lie' would be more truthful if it were 'only lie if I am in your heart while you do it'

 

Again whatever you need to tell yourself to heal I guess.

I have been a BS, and I knew the latter was true. It didn't unnerve me much. Just made me think about the character of the WS.

 

I am trying to make sense of the extreme hurt felt in these circumstances, and I know I may be wrong.

Yes, I believe you are wrong in more ways than you will ever realize.

[wheelwright]

OK so forgive me for stream of consciousness and not getting it all right.

 

 

Not so for me. I wasn't the one who was irrelevant or felt as such. He was so he needed someone to stroke his ego. He is a NPD so that will always be the case with him. There will never be enough to make him feel as if he is something other than what is going on in his head.

 

.

 

 

For me it is just that...the lies, the gaslighting, trying to make believe something that wasn't there. Letting me live a life that was a lie. Wasting my time with a person that would never be what I thought he was. That was a decision that was removed from me without my permission and by lying to me.

 

.

 

I understand this is your opinion and you are entitled to that...for me it wasn't true and I am not sure why that you believe lying isn't important. If you(general) continue to lie to me, how am I supposed to trust you. If you lie enough, like the boy who cried wolf, whatever comes out of your mouth is just diarrhea like drivel. And I don't know many people who will stand around and allow crap to be spewed at them without being

 

 

.

 

Lies are common, they shouldn't be. Especially lies that put the mental, emotional and physical well being of another at risk. That you can never make me believe is alright.

 

 

It hurts because no one was mature enough to me if I felt the need to put my health at risk.

 

 

 

Again whatever you need to tell yourself to heal I guess.

I have been a BS, and I knew the latter was true. It didn't unnerve me much. Just made me think about the character of the WS.

 

 

Yes, I believe you are wrong in more ways than you will ever realize.

 

 

Bent,

 

I am exploring the options involved in thinking of hurt as something we feel rather than something that is done to us.

 

It can do no harm to think this way as far as I can see. Think about it.

[wheelwright]

wheelwright why don't you just ask your husband why your affair hurt him so much, then go with that?

 

That's where I got this from.

[bentnotbroken]

 

 

Bent,

 

I am exploring the options involved in thinking of hurt as something we feel rather than something that is done to us.

 

It can do no harm to think this way as far as I can see. Think about it.

 

 

WW when I was sitting in a doctor's office every six months for a year getting and HIV test was that something I was feeling or something that was done to me? Before I knew what he was doing and I was having yeast infections and abnormal pap tests resulting in constant testing for me, was that something I was feeling or something that was being done to me.

 

The lying prevented my doctor from discovering what was going on. It kept me having test and biopsies...that was done to me. He nor the OW were laying on a table on a regular basis with their legs in stirrups being poked, prodded and cut.

 

Just for the record...I have (with the help of a counselor) looked at all the possibilities in my situation. The "what ifs" have been explored. The "if onlys" have been examined and they all lead to one thing.....my life is my life and no one has the right to decide the risk I should take with it except me.

[seren]

Hi WW, I will try to answer by bolding but am not always succesful at this, so bear with me. Hope all is good, anticipate a lot of flak for you from the usual, but good questions.

 

OK so forgive me for stream of consciousness and not getting it all right.

 

I've been thinking that the real source of pain for a BS is that an A makes them feel irrelevant.

 

For me, it wasn't the irrelevance, I actually knew that it wasn't a 'love affair' it was the betraying of my trust and the lies. I was prepared for H to leave, if he had wanted that. My own sense of self worth was far too developed to see myself as irrelevant. More that he felt that about himself to do that and without being snarky, to do that with her specifically.

 

This is a primary mover for the ego of the BS. This is the worst thing that could happen to a community based animal. The soul has to become involved, as there are questions about life path at this point.

 

It is not that someone lies to you. We are lied to from Santa Claus through our dreadful haircuts and fat or skinny behinds. These are lies that put us at the centre, so forgivable.

 

I do not think the real problem with As is the lie, but more the casting aside of importance. This is a big problem for the ego to recover from, and this ego will fight to retain its eminence.

 

The lie(s) were the problem, I am inherently honest, painfully so and at my own expense usually. H knew when we first met that I don't tolerate lies. I am brutal in facing things head on and expected that he would know, that for me, lying to me would be likely to cause me to meltdown. I believed him to be an honest man, to find out he wasn't absolutely floored me

 

It simply wouldn't hurt if we thought we had discovered a lie and needed to move on from it. Lies are common.

 

It hurts because the lie excluded us.

 

Well I sort of think that anything that impacts upon how I choose to spend my time, invest myself should be based upon my right to having an informed choice. Lies take away that. I had a long history of trust issues due to SA and people who know me, know that I let few people in to 'me', I understand why I do that, so did/does H. That he could betray that was dreadful. I would/did and still do appreciate the honesty he has shown since D Day. I understand why he did what he did, don't condone it (understatement) but I understand. if I did not, then I sure as hell would not have stayed or remained.

 

I am only saying this, because I think the BS chant of 'don't lie' would be more truthful if it were 'only lie if I am in your heart while you do it'

 

I have been a BS, and I knew the latter was true. It didn't unnerve me much. Just made me think about the character of the WS.

 

I am trying to make sense of the extreme hurt felt in these circumstances, and I know I may be wrong.

 

The extreme hurt was that I loved my H with all that I was and had, yes I still do. We were the couple who had it all, not monetary or things, but we loved and laughed and just had each other's backs. To find out about the A turned my world and my world view upside down. I could not understand, especially as the OW really meant nothing and served to enable him to add to his own feelings of self loathing. I say this not to disparage OP, but it is the truth. I have shared before that H had combat stress and felt like he was not worth happiness as he had lost a number of his close friends in Iraq. I felt hurt that he couldn't come to me for support as I would fight each and every dragon for him, but he felt too low to do that. That hurt.

 

Just asking for thoughts.

 

 

and now to see if it has worked ..

[seren]

 

 

WW when I was sitting in a doctor's office every six months for a year getting and HIV test was that something I was feeling or something that was done to me? Before I knew what he was doing and I was having yeast infections and abnormal pap tests resulting in constant testing for me, was that something I was feeling or something that was being done to me.

 

The lying prevented my doctor from discovering what was going on. It kept me having test and biopsies...that was done to me. He nor the OW were laying on a table on a regular basis with their legs in stirrups being poked, prodded and cut.

 

Just for the record...I have (with the help of a counselor) looked at all the possibilities in my situation. The "what ifs" have been explored. The "if onlys" have been examined and they all lead to one thing.....my life is my life and no one has the right to decide the risk I should take with it except me.

 

 

Unfortunately Bent I can relate to this, I have Lupus and was recovering from OC treatment, the A almost wiped me out. Literally.

[rafallus]

It is not that someone lies to you. We are lied to from Santa Claus through our dreadful haircuts and fat or skinny behinds. These are lies that put us at the centre, so forgivable.

 

I do not think the real problem with As is the lie, but more the casting aside of importance. This is a big problem for the ego to recover from, and this ego will fight to retain its eminence.

 

 

It simply wouldn't hurt if we thought we had discovered a lie and needed to move on from it. Lies are common.

 

It hurts because the lie excluded us.

 

I am only saying this, because I think the BS chant of 'don't lie' would be more truthful if it were 'only lie if I am in your heart while you do it'

Nah, I think it's pretty ridiculous argument.

 

Lies don't hurt just because they bruise ego of person lied to. Lies hurt because person lied to is unable to make an informed decision. In that way liar is just wasting time of the person he/she lies to.

 

As for lies you mentioned, they are "white lies" and made about things that in the end matter very little. It would be pretty psychotic to worry about them.

 

So if someone says that "no, you're not fat" to work your ego when you know you are fat, you can wave your hand and ignore him.

 

If a person has an affair - well, I don't see anyone just waving their hand if they are commited. And if you realize that you spent several years with someone who is different than you thought, and you realize that those years won't ever be back, it's easy to see why somebody would be hurt for reasons other than ego.

Edited June 15, 2011 by rafallus

[Snowflower]

 

 

WW when I was sitting in a doctor's office every six months for a year getting and HIV test was that something I was feeling or something that was done to me? Before I knew what he was doing and I was having yeast infections and abnormal pap tests resulting in constant testing for me, was that something I was feeling or something that was being done to me.

 

The lying prevented my doctor from discovering what was going on. It kept me having test and biopsies...that was done to me. He nor the OW were laying on a table on a regular basis with their legs in stirrups being poked, prodded and cut.

 

Just for the record...I have (with the help of a counselor) looked at all the possibilities in my situation. The "what ifs" have been explored. The "if onlys" have been examined and they all lead to one thing.....my life is my life and no one has the right to decide the risk I should take with it except me.

 

Wow, this is awful, BNB.

 

You know, I wonder if in some cases our bodies know something is wrong even though we don't realize it emotionally/or in our minds. From what you write, it seems like your body "knew" about your H's cheating before you did. I've read about similar cases before where women have unexplained female issues--then they find out their husbands were in long-term affairs.

 

Once they are divorced, their health issues disappear.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you're okay.

[reboot]

I felt a lot of things, but irrelevant wasn't one of them.

[donnamaybe]

"...the BS chant..."

 

Sorry, but when THE one person who is supposed to be the one to catch you when you fall pushes you off a cliff, that hurts like HELL. It has nothing to do with an ego and EVERYTHING to do with how you think as a human being. It strips away your ability to trust. It eats away at your soul.

[donnamaybe]

gee whiz a wandering spouse claiming it is because of ego the betrayed spouse is hurt. Imagine that.

Well, it HAS to be something wrong with the BS, right?

[What_Next]

I'm not going to wade into the whole "BS v WS" which seems to develop. I'll cut to the chase. For some BS D-day can often lead to the feelings of irrelevance, sure and I think that might be normal. It didn't for me. The hurt, the pain, well in my case it came from a central place, and that was loss of trust. The person that I should have been able to trust in this world more than anyone destroyed that trust. It's gone forever and will NEVER ever return. Perhaps a loss of innocence maybe, or maybe that's not quite the right analogy.

 

I have heard the term "blind trust" well many of us BS had just that in our spouses, and you know what, when that gets taken away it hurts, it hurts like hell.

 

Comments like "BS chant", well come on, is that really necessary?

 

Lastly, chanting or demanding honesty and truth, is that so unreasonable, or has our society gotten to a point where moral values and honesty are no longer looked upon as good things? If I were to look around LS I might make that conclusion because many around here lack the ability to be honest within a marriage, heck I am one of them myself.

 

Tough topic, all I do know is that cheating in any form brings with it a whole host of misery and those that seek to justify it or condon it, well I just simply do not understand it.

[xxoo]

WW, if it is difficult for you to understand why the lies are so hurtful in particular, maybe consider a similar breach of trust within marriage that is NOT an affair.

 

For example, consider financial infidelity--a spouse who is gambling huge amts of money, maybe, and hiding it from their spouse, all the while covering up and pretending that all is well and they are still contributing to the retirement acct (in actuality depleted), and paying off credit cards (in actuality, running up thousands in debt).

 

When those betrayals are revealed, and the marriage and spouse the BS thought they had comes crashing down, that is extremely painful!

[bentnotbroken]

WW, if it is difficult for you to understand why the lies are so hurtful in particular, maybe consider a similar breach of trust within marriage that is NOT an affair.

 

For example, consider financial infidelity--a spouse who is gambling huge amts of money, maybe, and hiding it from their spouse, all the while covering up and pretending that all is well and they are still contributing to the retirement acct (in actuality depleted), and paying off credit cards (in actuality, running up thousands in debt).

 

When those betrayals are revealed, and the marriage and spouse the BS thought they had comes crashing down, that is extremely painful!

 

 

This actually happened to a friend. He had no idea his wife was burying them in debt. She was a teacher and she even went to people at her school to help her out financially so he wouldn't find out. When he was contacted by a concerned party...his world blew apart. Not only was his savings gone, he owed credit card bills he didn't make(she forged his name) and he lost his home. He had made financial decisions based on what he thought was true. He knew what he put into savings and other financial holds...but she changed the game and decided not to inform him. He now has no savings for his daughters college and has to work longer than he planned. Same shyt different context.

[donnamaybe]

This actually happened to a friend. He had no idea his wife was burying them in debt. She was a teacher and she even went to people at her school to help her out financially so he wouldn't find out. When he was contacted by a concerned party...his world blew apart. Not only was his savings gone, he owed credit card bills he didn't make(she forged his name) and he lost his home. He had made financial decisions based on what he thought was true. He knew what he put into savings and other financial holds...but she changed the game and decided not to inform him. He now has no savings for his daughters college and has to work longer than he planned. Same shyt different context.

I hope he had her prosecuted for that forgery business. Same thing happened to a gal I know. She wound up with a LOT of their real estate via divorce (thankfully, that had real property) after he charged up HUGE amounts on credit cards that he'd taken out in both their names without her signature buying expensive toys they couldn't afford. He had to give in to her demands in divorce court, or her attorney was going to refer him for charges.

[nyrias]

That may be true in many instances, however, there are times when the wayward spouse simply wants to eat cake and chooses a vastly inferior OM or OW. Obviously this may also cause the betrayed spouse to feel insignificant, but it also points out that the issue is with the wayward spouse.

 

In addition, the actions post D-day are important. If the wayward spouse ends the affair the OM or OW may actually feel extremely insignificant.

 

Is the WS always choosing a vastly inferior OM/OW? Inferior in what ways (except morals)?

 

When you say "the issue is with the WS", you mean the blame? Obviously the BS would have developed a psychological issue after discovering the A.

 

The other question is whether the BS has some control over her own psychology and how circumstances matters. For example, if the marriage is loveless, and the BS is on her way out, he/she may feel more anger than pain and ended things quickly, as opposed to one who would want to work on the marriage.

[ladydesigner]

I'm not going to wade into the whole "BS v WS" which seems to develop. I'll cut to the chase. For some BS D-day can often lead to the feelings of irrelevance, sure and I think that might be normal. It didn't for me. The hurt, the pain, well in my case it came from a central place, and that was loss of trust. The person that I should have been able to trust in this world more than anyone destroyed that trust. It's gone forever and will NEVER ever return. Perhaps a loss of innocence maybe, or maybe that's not quite the right analogy.

 

I have heard the term "blind trust" well many of us BS had just that in our spouses, and you know what, when that gets taken away it hurts, it hurts like hell.

 

Comments like "BS chant", well come on, is that really necessary?

 

Lastly, chanting or demanding honesty and truth, is that so unreasonable, or has our society gotten to a point where moral values and honesty are no longer looked upon as good things? If I were to look around LS I might make that conclusion because many around here lack the ability to be honest within a marriage, heck I am one of them myself.

 

Tough topic, all I do know is that cheating in any form brings with it a whole host of misery and those that seek to justify it or condon it, well I just simply do not understand it.

 

What_Next you summed it up best for myself too. I didn't feel irrelevant at first because I was so angry, but the trust I still haven't gotten that back:(

 

I had blind trust for my H. I let him stay out with friends late, you name it because I did not want to be a hypervigilant wife. Now I am the hypervigilant wife. I check passwords, cell phone, email, facebook, and on and on. I am slowly weaning myself away from spy mode as it is really starting to make me a paranoid and unhappy person. I have to let it go for my own sanity.

[nyrias]

What_Next you summed it up best for myself too. I didn't feel irrelevant at first because I was so angry, but the trust I still haven't gotten that back:(

 

I had blind trust for my H. I let him stay out with friends late, you name it because I did not want to be a hypervigilant wife. Now I am the hypervigilant wife. I check passwords, cell phone, email, facebook, and on and on. I am slowly weaning myself away from spy mode as it is really starting to make me a paranoid and unhappy person. I have to let it go for my own sanity.

 

I find this blind trust thing puzzling. Given the statistics, there is a pretty HIGH chance that your spouse would stray. And it is obviously from this site those who are hurt the most, psychological, were the one who trusted the most in the beginning.

 

So why don't people prepare themselves? We buy car insurance but don't prepare ourselves for the even "worse" accidents? Is it a case of over-confident (my spouse will never stray! ... famous last words) or because of ignorance?

[bentnotbroken]

I find this blind trust thing puzzling. Given the statistics, there is a pretty HIGH chance that your spouse would stray. And it is obviously from this site those who are hurt the most, psychological, were the one who trusted the most in the beginning.

 

So why don't people prepare themselves? We buy car insurance but don't prepare ourselves for the even "worse" accidents? Is it a case of over-confident (my spouse will never stray! ... famous last words) or because of ignorance?

 

 

For me it was neither of these. It was my faith in him and what I believed was his relationship with God. Knowing what a covenant marriage was and living to that standard. I wasn't ignorant as I discussed with him the "what if's" of being attracted to another person. We were married, not dead after all. We agreed(or so I thought) that when that attraction reared it's ugly head we would discuss it and the reasons we felt that something was happening. I did that. I came to him when I felt like I wanted attention from someone else..so that I would be clear as to what the issue was. He lied. Not only did he not come to me, he sought out relationships, actively pursuing other men's wives(not even single women)....that is his issue to bear.

[ladydesigner]

I find this blind trust thing puzzling. Given the statistics, there is a pretty HIGH chance that your spouse would stray. And it is obviously from this site those who are hurt the most, psychological, were the one who trusted the most in the beginning.

 

So why don't people prepare themselves? We buy car insurance but don't prepare ourselves for the even "worse" accidents? Is it a case of over-confident (my spouse will never stray! ... famous last words) or because of ignorance?

 

Yeah I know. I had ex boyfriends that cheated on me in the past too, so it's not like I had never experienced infidelity before. I guess I was over-confident in thinking my H wouldn't cheat.

 

I would never blindly trust anyone again if I were to find myself single again. I would never remarry that I know for sure.

[What_Next]

I would never blindly trust anyone again if I were to find myself single again. I would never remarry that I know for sure.

 

Precisely. My wife and I have spoken about this actually. There is NO WAY IN HELL I'd EVER EVER EVER re-marry again if our current marriage were to end. Just not going to happen.

 

I have lost all faith in the martial bond and I never had all that much to begin with.

 

Blind trust, gone, forever. I never really spent all that much time thinking about it previously. The thought really never occured to me that she would do what she did. Nyrias, call that what you want. I call it innocence lost.

 

Nyrias you seem to love quoting chapter and verse on statistics, studies and other matters academic, I suppose there is validity to that, but reading your posts sometimes reminds me why I left university behind during my masters program. The old saying for me applies, there is lies, damned lies and statistics.... Not that I have any issue with your posts, I don't, this just struck me when I read your last one. We all have our ways of expressing ourselves.

[silktricks]

OK so forgive me for stream of consciousness and not getting it all right.

 

I've been thinking that the real source of pain for a BS is that an A makes them feel irrelevant.

 

This is a primary mover for the ego of the BS. This is the worst thing that could happen to a community based animal. The soul has to become involved, as there are questions about life path at this point.

 

It is not that someone lies to you. We are lied to from Santa Claus through our dreadful haircuts and fat or skinny behinds. These are lies that put us at the centre, so forgivable.

 

I do not think the real problem with As is the lie, but more the casting aside of importance. This is a big problem for the ego to recover from, and this ego will fight to retain its eminence.

 

It simply wouldn't hurt if we thought we had discovered a lie and needed to move on from it. Lies are common.

 

It hurts because the lie excluded us.

 

I am only saying this, because I think the BS chant of 'don't lie' would be more truthful if it were 'only lie if I am in your heart while you do it'

I have been a BS, and I knew the latter was true. It didn't unnerve me much. Just made me think about the character of the WS.

 

I am trying to make sense of the extreme hurt felt in these circumstances, and I know I may be wrong.

 

Just asking for thoughts.

 

Well, yeah. You're wrong. I have to say that I found this entire post to be fairly rude, but the icing on the cake for me was the bolded above.

 

I have extreme issues with lack of honesty, I have had my entire life. My husband was well aware of those issues, so for him to have made the choice to bald-faced lie to me was terrible. I didn't feel then and don't feel now that I lacked importance. If I truly lacked importance, he wouldn't have bothered to lie. The BS doesn't lack importance in the triangle, what she/he lacks is information.

 

I find this blind trust thing puzzling. Given the statistics, there is a pretty HIGH chance that your spouse would stray. And it is obviously from this site those who are hurt the most, psychological, were the one who trusted the most in the beginning.

 

So why don't people prepare themselves? We buy car insurance but don't prepare ourselves for the even "worse" accidents? Is it a case of over-confident (my spouse will never stray! ... famous last words) or because of ignorance?

I don't like the phrase "blind trust" as I don't view trusting the person you have promised to live your life with as "blind". Trust, for me, is the foundation of a relationship. If I cannot trust, neither can I love. The "normal" for recovery after infidelity is about 2 years according to stats. For me it was closer to 5 for that very reason. Until I could once again trust him - completely trust him - I couldn't call our marriage "recovered", as for me it was more of a half-life.

 

I don't think I ever had "blind" trust, but I did have complete trust, and I do have that back.