Why such pain for BS?

[blueroses10]

Very true. I have not witnessed one marriage that is not flawed in some way. It would be nice to at least meet someone who has the ideal of what marriage should be. My parents, friends, friends of family, myself, everyone I know has had a flawed M. It's sad actually.

 

I think that's because we as human beings are imperfect. We grow up with the idea that we can achieve perfection and that there's always a fairytale ending to every relationship or story so it sets us up for failure.

[Gracie7]

1.) I don't know that I believe that you can love someone and cheat, therefore I don't know that he loves me. Talk is cheap, and actions show one's true feelings. This is just how I feel.

 

2.) He vowed to forsake all others... He didn't do that. He gave away to a woman in a bar on multiple occasions something that was special and set apart for each other alone.

 

3.) He texted her hundreds of times over the course of a month. He never did that with me even when we were dating.

 

4.) She was not pretty, and she was fat. Sorry, but it's true. No, I didn't deny him. The sex was great and often. This is just what I feel.

Edited July 25, 2011 by Gracie7

[browndog319]

I think it's the combination of the sins involved with the A. Sure, there is the sex. But think about everything you've seen lately on EAs versus PAs and how many believe EAs are more difficult to recover from than those where sex is involved because of the intimacy that was violated, the time that was taken from the BS, and the lying associated with it. "They are just my friend!" is the rallying cry of the EA and on immediate inspection, it is what it looks like. But soon Emails are being deleted. There are communications you would not want your spouse to hear. There is dishonesty.

 

And these are often easier to take underground bc there are pay-as-you go phones, secret free Emails, etc.

 

And the emotional bond created in these EAs are deeper than sexual bonds. They are addictive.

 

Trust has been broken and therefore, the lying is almost the worst part because you cannot truly know if your spouse is finished with the A. And you haven't really been able to trust them for awhile.

[nyrias]

1.) I don't know that I believe that you can love someone and cheat, therefore I don't know that he loves me. Talk is cheap, and actions show one's true feelings. This is just how I feel.

 

2.) He vowed to forsake all others... He didn't do that. He gave away to a woman in a bar on multiple occasions something that was special and set apart for each other alone.

 

3.) He texted her hundreds of times over the course of a month. He never did that with me even when we were dating.

 

4.) She was not pretty, and she was fat. Sorry, but it's true. No, I didn't deny him. The sex was great and often. This is just what I feel.

 

1) It obvious depends on how you define "love". If you define it as the fuzzy feeling when you see the person, the desire to be with the person, affection, and even some level of care (like worry if they are hungry), then you can love a person and cheat. If you define love as total honesty, and total exclusivity, then no.

 

2) I wonder if that is the most severe source of the hurt ... breaking of a vow. Remember that the wedding vow is also supposed to be "forever". Thus, any divorce, technically, even when there is no A, is a breaking of the vow. Does it hurt the same? or Less when there is no A involved?

 

(3) & (4) are just vanity and has nothing to do with As. If you are dumped, and your ex hooked up with someone else, (3) and (4) can still apply.

[NoIDidn't]

 

I got myself tested before the A. I think people who do this should. I was not in a good space with H, and believed he may have given me something. I did not trust him I suppose. I had my reasons.

 

I am sorry you suffered this.

 

I'm not clear on what you are saying here. Are you saying that people that intend to enter into affairs should get themselves tested first?

 

I happen to agree with you, but seeing it written, or my interpretation of it gives me pause. It seems to be even more deceptive (is his even a word, lol) to go out and make sure you don't have any STDs to keep your affair hidden. Don't get me wrong, I think singles should get tested before sex as well, but not because they are planning to deceive someone.

[nyrias]

Yes, it means the affair was pre-planned and therefore a considered, conscious decision rather than 'it just happened', 'we were carried away in the heat of the moment'. I personally feel that a cold, calculated choice to have an affair is a brutal thing. Even evil.

 

And evil things are known to happen.

 

Interestingly, a pre-planned affair is legal (as in, not a crime) in this country although illegal in some middle east countries, and probably only for women.

 

I also doubt pre-planned affairs are that uncommon, given all the internet services that promote affairs. Every user would be pre-planning affairs, by definition.

[nyrias]

Oh, that's ok then.

 

Why would that be ok? I think you have a problem with logic. Something is prevalent does not equal to something that is ok.

 

Oakland is the murder capital of CA. Does that make murder OK there?

 

This is interesting though. Whenever some evidence, about cheating is prevalent, is posted, some people here automatically equate that with the poster is justifying cheating.

 

WHY??? Does people lose the ability to reason and apply logic just because they hate cheating?

[reboot]

WHY??? Does people lose the ability to reason and apply logic just because they hate cheating?

 

I could think of a lot of words I could substitute for the word "cheating" in that sentence and still my answer would be, yes, many do.

[rafallus]

This is interesting though. Whenever some evidence, about cheating is prevalent, is posted, some people here automatically equate that with the poster is justifying cheating.

 

WHY??? Does people lose the ability to reason and apply logic just because they hate cheating?

Because everyone has their own biases and are good at spotting biases of others.

 

Don't delude yourself into thinking of pure 100% logic, it will never be achieved, especially not in interpersonal issues. And quadruply especially if people take it personal.

 

Hell, both sides take it personal.

 

Once you see just two sides of people with biases glasses throwing **** at each other, tranquility ensues (sth I really failed to mention in my last lengthy post).

[nyrias]

I could think of a lot of words I could substitute for the word "cheating" in that sentence and still my answer would be, yes, many do.

 

Sure. No disagreement here. Internet is not known for the prevalence of logic and reasoning.

[Memphis Raines]

Hell, both sides take it personal.

 

ya well one of the sides can go to hell;)

[Equinox]

Because everyone has their own biases and are good at spotting biases of others.

 

Don't delude yourself into thinking of pure 100% logic, it will never be achieved, especially not in interpersonal issues. And quadruply especially if people take it personal.

 

Hell, both sides take it personal.

 

Once you see just two sides of people with biases glasses throwing **** at each other, tranquility ensues (sth I really failed to mention in my last lengthy post).

 

Fack yes. You'll find that the internet is a cesspit of this sort of stuff.

 

Better to acknowledge your own biases and work on them, than claim to be unbiased.

 

ya well one of the sides can go to hell;)

Hell isn't so bad. The mood is fantastic. Edited July 28, 2011 by Equinox