Why such pain for BS?

[Woggle]

When my ex and I bought our house I had such high hopes for our future and our life together. We finally made it out of the ghetto and the sky was the limit for us. Fast forward a year and some change later and I catch her in bed with another man plus I find out that she had plenty of other men. Anybody who is not affected by that is a robot as far as I am concerned. It is also painful because it completely destroyed my trust in an entire gender that I am just now starting to get back. It felt like somebody put my heart in a meat grinder.

 

There is a happy ending because I met a woman who inspired me to have faith in women, love and marriage again but it doesn't make the experience any less painful.

[ladydesigner]

The institution of marriage is only as flawed as the people in each particular R.

 

Very true. I have not witnessed one marriage that is not flawed in some way. It would be nice to at least meet someone who has the ideal of what marriage should be. My parents, friends, friends of family, myself, everyone I know has had a flawed M. It's sad actually.

[bentnotbroken]

Very true. I have not witnessed one marriage that is not flawed in some way. It would be nice to at least meet someone who has the ideal of what marriage should be. My parents, friends, friends of family, myself, everyone I know has had a flawed M. It's sad actually.

 

 

When you have two flawed people in any relationship(sibling, parent/child, work mates) you will end up with a flawed relationship. That is normal. It is how we deal with the flaws, pains, hurts that allow for other stuff to invade.

[ladydesigner]

When you have two flawed people in any relationship(sibling, parent/child, work mates) you will end up with a flawed relationship. That is normal. It is how we deal with the flaws, pains, hurts that allow for other stuff to invade.

 

Right, I see. This is something I would like to explore in my IC. Thanks!

[Woggle]

There is nothing perfect in this world but I have a damn good marriage and while I know some truly horrible ones I also know some great ones.

[xxoo]

There is nothing perfect in this world but I have a damn good marriage and while I know some truly horrible ones I also know some great ones.

 

I agree with every word!

 

There is flawed, and then there is tragically flawed. Marriage can be flawed AND successful.

[silktricks]

Don't assume

 

Honestly, I'm surprised to see you present as an expert in statistics, considering some of the links you've posted.

this is the internet after all. Anyone can claim anything. The rest of us, though, don't need to blindly trust what they say.

[rafallus]

I understand your distrust of statistics if you a lay person. To me, statistics is a lot more concrete and revealing, if you understand it. Surely, it can be twisted, but only to someone who is not trained. For someone who does empirically research, it is not that easy to fool.

Naive little fool.

 

Who cares about statistics?

 

There are, what, 6 billions of people around the world? You can have 99.9% statistic and I could easily be an exception. In fact you could find at least three posting in that very thread. And your statistic falls flat, because thread means A SPECIFIC PERSON is looking for advice. And you don't know how he/she fits into your petty statistic - at best you make a guess.

Edited June 15, 2011 by rafallus

[donnamaybe]

The main flaw that will prevent the others from being dealt with in a way that strengthens a R is lack of communication.

[silktricks]

And that was my entire point.

 

Yeah, I know. I'm just one of those people who need to say something in 40 words when it can be said just as clearly in 4.

[What_Next]

Yeah, I know. I'm just one of those people who need to say something in 40 words when it can be said just as clearly in 4.

 

You must be a consultant, they seem to want to get paid by the word

[wheelwright]

Here is my take on the pain. This applies to my marriage and not to a recent relationship that was dead.

 

The pain had to do with mourning the loss of several things:

 

1. I admired my wife and thought she was a great women, She destroyed that image and acted like someone I cannot admire as a person.

 

2. I lost my innocence. I was one of those that was never betrayed and never considered cheating. Therefore, I trusted blindly. What hurt the most was finding out how naive I was.

 

3. I mourned the death of ALL the good things we experienced as a married couple because those experiences were not valid anymore. There was no validity to what we had because I could not separate when she was truthful and when she was lying. The loss of all those events was very painful. It felt like someone very close to me had died suddenly.

 

4. It hurt a lot because I tried to reconcile and she stated she loved me. I would have experienced less pain if she had just dumped me for the OM, but she did the opposite and having to swallow all that crap was more painful than to walk away.

 

5. My ego was never touched because the OM was not in my same league. He was a complete loser, however, there was another side to that. It made me realized that my wife was incapable of having a special meaningful relationship with me or with her OM (whom she dumped in a heartbeat). In other words my wife showed me no substance. She did not value the relationship as I did.

 

I get the heart in this post. I think I understand what you have been through to a degree, having seen xH go through similar.

 

I see thanks to this post that the irrelevancy factor is just a trigger for H, but the hurt is a lot more as you describe.

[OldOnTheInside]

The institution of marriage is only as flawed as the people in each particular R.

 

Exactly. Saying that monogamy and marriage are the reason that so many relationships fail is akin to blaming guns because people get shot, or Christianity because abortion clinics get bombed. Monogamy, marriage, and Christianity are at the very least physical, social constructs, and at the most physical, pieces of paper with symbols written on them. A stashed away gun is essentially nothing more then a piece of metal. So they have no significant value without human interaction.

 

By blaming them, we are undermining the fact that human beings make the conscious decision to do whatever we do in all of our actions. An individual is 100% responsible for their own actions and that action's consequences. He can choose to ignore the influence of an external factor, or accept it inwards. So let's not blame inanimate objects or metaphysical ideals because humans just so happen to suck at something. In fact, sucking is one thing we don't suck at.

 

To touch on the "blind trust" subject. Wouldn't you agree that all trust is inherently blind to some degree? Nobody knows exactly what another individual is thinking 100%. To be completely insulated, one would have to live a life of utter isolation. Pretty boring life.

Edited June 18, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[nyrias]

Naive little fool.

 

Who cares about statistics?

 

There are, what, 6 billions of people around the world? You can have 99.9% statistic and I could easily be an exception. In fact you could find at least three posting in that very thread. And your statistic falls flat, because thread means A SPECIFIC PERSON is looking for advice. And you don't know how he/she fits into your petty statistic - at best you make a guess.

 

And you don't know that governmental policies, education policies, teaching strategies are all developed by the use of statistics?

 

Surely you don't care. Luckily people making important decisions are not as gullible.

[2sunny]

i have found that it was my expectations vs his lack of ability to be faithful and honest (the agreement WE made at the alter) that disappointed me.

 

i thought i had a man who loved me for 23 years... he wasn't the man i thought he COULD be.

 

in the end... he only loved himself - and it played out so blatantly that he really never did love anyone but himself. still, to this day - even six years after it ended - he's willing to purposely cause harm to his adult kids in order to serve himself.

 

it's sickening how much i never really knew him.

[nyrias]

i have found that it was my expectations vs his lack of ability to be faithful and honest (the agreement WE made at the alter) that disappointed me.

 

i thought i had a man who loved me for 23 years... he wasn't the man i thought he COULD be.

 

in the end... he only loved himself - and it played out so blatantly that he really never did love anyone but himself. still, to this day - even six years after it ended - he's willing to purposely cause harm to his adult kids in order to serve himself.

 

it's sickening how much i never really knew him.

 

Is it that you never really knew him, or that he changed?

 

23 years is a lot time and people do change.

 

When people said their wedding vows and later break them ... is that because they don't know they could not keep the promise, or are they intentionally trying to deceive their partners at the alter?

 

Or a mixture of both?

[2sunny]

Is it that you never really knew him, or that he changed?

 

23 years is a lot time and people do change.

 

When people said their wedding vows and later break them ... is that because they don't know they could not keep the promise, or are they intentionally trying to deceive their partners at the alter?

 

Or a mixture of both?

 

it really doesn't matter... his new wife can spend time and energy figuring out that he's a sociopath.

[nyrias]

it really doesn't matter... his new wife can spend time and energy figuring out that he's a sociopath.

 

Better yet, may be SHE is a sociopath too.

[rafallus]

And you don't know that governmental policies, education policies, teaching strategies are all developed by the use of statistics?

 

Surely you don't care. Luckily people making important decisions are not as gullible.

Let me get this straight:

 

Whenever you are to make a relationship decision, you take a book about statistics, study it all night, take one, that in your opinion is relevant to the issue, and try to fit where you belong in that statistic?

 

Is your relationship per chance a governmental policy? Hello, Mr. President

[OldOnTheInside]

And you don't know that governmental policies, education policies, teaching strategies are all developed by the use of statistics?

 

Surely you don't care. Luckily people making important decisions are not as gullible.

Let's not overestimate the competence of the people running the show. $$ in the pocket happens to overthrow any rationality when it comes to the politics game.

 

Better yet, may be SHE is a sociopath too.

Agreed, something does seem off with her behaviour (even judging by her posts, there is some very curious "logic" being thrown around). WW, I do hope that you are seeing, or considering to see a therapist. Or seeing a counsellor at the very least. I don't doubt that your experiences have left you with a large quantity of baggage that needs to be resolved.

 

Good luck.

[SidLyon]

 

Wow, this is awful, BNB.

 

You know, I wonder if in some cases our bodies know something is wrong even though we don't realize it emotionally/or in our minds. From what you write, it seems like your body "knew" about your H's cheating before you did. I've read about similar cases before where women have unexplained female issues--then they find out their husbands were in long-term affairs.

 

Once they are divorced, their health issues disappear.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you're okay.

 

I would love to see a discussion about this very issue.

 

Within 2 weeks of my H starting his A I started to get heart problems. These included 2 emergency visits 2 hospital, once in an ambulance and numerous tests. No cause was ever found but they subsided after about 3 years which was co-incidentally when the A ended.

 

I got frequent "womens" infections> Not identifiable STDs so much as infections that occur when different "germs" are introduced. My doctor asked if I was cheating on my H and him on me. My doctor did not pursue it when I said no definitely not, but with hindsight she wasn't surprised when I told her and like others I had to go through the gamut of STD tests.

 

I'm not sure if this is quite on topic WW, so I just wanted to say I don't agree with your OP (I haven't got very far yet). The hurt caused to me was extensive, not just my "feelings" and not just bruised ego and being relegated to the background.

[seren]

 

I would love to see a discussion about this very issue.

 

Within 2 weeks of my H starting his A I started to get heart problems. These included 2 emergency visits 2 hospital, once in an ambulance and numerous tests. No cause was ever found but they subsided after about 3 years which was co-incidentally when the A ended.

 

I got frequent "womens" infections> Not identifiable STDs so much as infections that occur when different "germs" are introduced. My doctor asked if I was cheating on my H and him on me. My doctor did not pursue it when I said no definitely not, but with hindsight she wasn't surprised when I told her and like others I had to go through the gamut of STD tests.

 

I'm not sure if this is quite on topic WW, so I just wanted to say I don't agree with your OP (I haven't got very far yet). The hurt caused to me was extensive, not just my "feelings" and not just bruised ego and being relegated to the background.

 

I think that the effect of the constant gaslighting, the not being able to put your finger on what is going on and then being told nothing is, has to have an effect on stress levels and the second guessing of yourself and asking yourself if you are going mad has to impact upon health.

 

My anxiety levels and blood pressure soared when the A was ongoing, I kept asking what's wrong, what's happening and then to be told nothing I seriously thought I was going around the twist. The finding out was a release, I thought, Thank God I am not crazy I haven't imagined it all.

 

Add to this, that I foolishly believed that H was and had been faithful for 20 odd years and so did not use contraception, all but wiped me out. OW had Herpes and Chlamydia, catching this on the tail end of chemo and with Lupus was life threatening and resulted in my taking longer to get 'better'.

 

As for statistics, as someone who helped shape policies including National and Local Government I can tell you that statistics are only as reliable as the premise they are dragged out to support and the integrity of the researcher. Statistics and figures are so easy to skew, they also lack emotion. A qualitative research paper is of far more use to understanding issues that quantative. I would also add, that until you have experienced the sheer hurt of an a, you (general) really can have no understandingof how you will react, how it will impact upon your life or what the outcome will be. It would seem that for most of us the losing of trust and of course the loving someone so much they can have that effect on your life is the 'hurter'.

[wheelwright]

 

I think that the effect of the constant gaslighting, the not being able to put your finger on what is going on and then being told nothing is, has to have an effect on stress levels and the second guessing of yourself and asking yourself if you are going mad has to impact upon health.

 

My anxiety levels and blood pressure soared when the A was ongoing, I kept asking what's wrong, what's happening and then to be told nothing I seriously thought I was going around the twist. The finding out was a release, I thought, Thank God I am not crazy I haven't imagined it all.

 

Add to this, that I foolishly believed that H was and had been faithful for 20 odd years and so did not use contraception, all but wiped me out. OW had Herpes and Chlamydia, catching this on the tail end of chemo and with Lupus was life threatening and resulted in my taking longer to get 'better'.

 

 

I got myself tested before the A. I think people who do this should. I was not in a good space with H, and believed he may have given me something. I did not trust him I suppose. I had my reasons.

 

I am sorry you suffered this.

[blueroses10]

I agree with what What Next said, but I'm going to modify it a bit too.

 

I believe that once you've been betrayed, your "blind trust" in ANY potential partner after that is impossible.

 

To me...it doesn't matter if it were to be with my wife, or with someone else. I now understand a lot more about relationships and reality...I wouldn't "blindly trust" another person anymore than I would my wife now, who has rebuilt my trust in her.

 

To me...trust is ALWAYS earned.

 

You didn't meet your current significant other and hand her your wallet and house keys within the first couple of minutes. You gradually increased your trust in her as she demonstrated her trustworthiness to you over time.

 

And that's how trust is REBUILT too.

 

And once "blind trust" is shattered as completely as it is when infidelity occurs...it never returns completely. Just look at the "bitter" posters that come here...there's no trust at all for strangers in their minds either.

 

 

I agree with everything that you said except the bolded part. Blind trust goes back into effect when you meet a new person who seems worthy of it. If you go into the relationship without trust, usually it doesn't work and no one likes to bear the burden of what another person has done to you in a relationship.

 

As to what the OP said, for me the lies were the hardest to digest along with the choice of AP (a close friend). Had the friend not been involved, I do think the marriage could have been saved.

 

Currently it is still lies that have ruined my marriage. They were not lies about fidelity but just lies in general that didn't need to be told.

[blueroses10]

I agree with what What Next said, but I'm going to modify it a bit too.

 

I believe that once you've been betrayed, your "blind trust" in ANY potential partner after that is impossible.

 

To me...it doesn't matter if it were to be with my wife, or with someone else. I now understand a lot more about relationships and reality...I wouldn't "blindly trust" another person anymore than I would my wife now, who has rebuilt my trust in her.

 

To me...trust is ALWAYS earned.

 

You didn't meet your current significant other and hand her your wallet and house keys within the first couple of minutes. You gradually increased your trust in her as she demonstrated her trustworthiness to you over time.

 

And that's how trust is REBUILT too.

 

And once "blind trust" is shattered as completely as it is when infidelity occurs...it never returns completely. Just look at the "bitter" posters that come here...there's no trust at all for strangers in their minds either.

 

Why was my ex-husband's infidelity so painful?

 

1. The constant lies, the distortion of reality that had me questioning

my sanity.

 

2.our sexless marriage that led me to grovel, beg to demean myself seeking any crumb of affection from my husband

 

3. The number he did on my self-esteem, his insistence that my desiring intimacy after menopause was disgusting, that I was a disgusting old woman

 

4. the fact that while he surfed for porn, paid for web cam girls & cruised craig's list for women, I was working to support him

 

5. That he had the balls to go after & win a generous alimony award, I'll be most likely dropping dead in my office because I can't afford to retire now.

 

and yes, I'd be a LOT happier now if I'd never been married, now I get to spend the rest of my life working to pay for my mistake.

 

I read some of your story in another post and it sounds awful and so unfair. Did you have a good attorney? Is there any way you can go back to court or sue your husband for emotional distress or something that lowers what you are paying him?

 

It seems beyond crazy that he did all these things to you and you are the one paying. He should feel bad.