He can't commit

[doubting hope]

Several months ago (november) I told a friend of mine (david) that I wanted to kiss him, I was quite drunk at the time but he told me that he wouldnt, that he was flattered but it just wouldn't work out between us. I'd fancied him virtually since the day we'd met, and at that stage we'd been friends for about a year. The next day, I was regretting it so much, we met up and he just hugged me, told me that it was a huge compliment, but that it wasn't what he wanted.

 

If anything we got even closer since then, I'd call over to his house and we'd sit around talking for ages, even with him arms around me a few times. Going away with college and we'd usually end up sitting beside each other and I'd have fallen asleep on his shoulder. We'd touch hands and just be very close, I'd been repeatedly so tempted to kiss him, but I never did because I felt like I'd made my feelings clear and that I'd just be making a fool out of myself.

 

I've had two boyfriends since them, one in december which lasted a few weeks, and then another which started a few weeks ago. He didn't treat me well, stood me up continually, forgot my name (!!!!!) 4 times in the space of 3 weeks.... and it was david who kept telling me to break up with him and that I deserved better. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago now.

 

Last Wednesday (we're both studying for exams, he has his finals though), I asked david to call over when he was bored with study because my house was empty and it was kinda lonely, he said he'd call me in an hour, but instead he just turned up. We had tea and were sitting down talking, and I was as usual kinda curled up under his arm facing him (his arm around my shoulder)... things got really quiet and he was just stroking my hand and I was touching his face. It was an incredibly intense feeling and we stayed like that for at least five minutes without saying a word, just close together and lightly touching each others faces and hands. I really wanted to kiss him, but I was afraid to.

 

He finally said "we've a very strange relationship don't we?" I agreed, and told him that I just felt completely comfortable with him, which I do. He looked pensive and so I pestered him until he told me what he was thinking. He said that I would really like to kiss me but that he couldnt because he couldnt commit to me emotionally, that he's had issues with commiting to people since his dad was killed in a car crash seven or eight years ago.... I just looked at him and told him it was ok and then I kissed him.

 

He kissed me back and it was wonderful. One of those feelings that you never thought that you could truely feel. We stayed up all night kissing and holding each other. He said he didn't want to hurt me, that he really liked me and that I was amazing, but he didn't know what could happen. I told him it was ok and to just enjoy things as they were, and that in ten hours or ten days, or whenever he decided that he didn't want to be close to me that it was ok and we could just go back to being friends.

 

I had to practially kick him out of the house the next morning to go to college because he kept telling me he didnt want to leave. He called me that night (thurs) to see how I was and to ask if I was hanging around for the weekend. I was. I met up with some mutual friends the next day (Fri) and he met up with us (we never acted as if we were anything except friends.... except a few secret smiles), we wandered around and slowly people left until there was just the two of us, he said he had to study and so did I, so we headed off the in the direction of our houses, when we got to where I had to turn off we just stayed talking for ages, I went to kiss him and he just sighed and looked away... But he said he "should" study and eventually he suggested that he studied over in my house, I didnt jump on the idea because I wasnt sure, but when he said it again a few minutes later I agreed.

 

He came back to my house, I made us dinner and we talked and he kissed me again, I was surprised because things had just been completely normal (friend like) and he stayed in my house till I finally told him to go house about 2am.... I really love kissing him and being close to him. He pulls me into his arms and kisses my neck and strokes my hair and makes me feel like I really matter to him. I asked could I see him the next day and he said yes.

 

I called over the next night (last night, saturday) and we went out for a few drinks, just talking really, and then we went back to his house, we kissed and talked and finally I said I should go home, he asked me to stay. I did. We weren't completely physical but we got very close, and i went to sleep curled up in his arms and I woke up to his kissing my back and neck.

 

I've made small comments about whats going to happen with us, if there is an "us". Joked that this was just a temporary thing, and he said "oh, is that what you think this is?" and then he didnt really say any more, just made me think that it could be more.

 

I'm crazy about this guy and he makes me so extraordinarily happy, but I don't know if I want to just be the girl who he kisses and sees in secret, no one knows about us except my roommate who's leaving college to go home tomorrow. But I've already said that I didn't mind.

 

How can I ask him how he feels without putting pressure on him? He tells me that he likes me and that he's really happy whenever I call over or whenever he's with me. In fact I'm the one who always seperates the two of us, reminding him that he has to study and so do I and telling him that I don't want to be responsible for him not doing well in his exams.

 

He's going to be around college doing a post-graduate course next year, and I've another 2 years of college to go myself. Neither of us are from the area where we go to college, he's 3 and a half hours south and i'm 3 and a half hours north-east.... but both or us are going to be working in different places for the summer (3 hours journey apart) .... what should I do?

[Fedup&givingup]

Wow! What a good story. Seriously, he sounds really confused, and he seems to have trouble with intimacy and getting close to people. I don't think it necessarily has to do with anyone passing away, but I'm suspecting he's been really, really hurt in the past.

 

I am not going to suggest that you retract from this, simply because it sounds and looks like he is getting comfortable with his own self in the progression of this relationship. I think it's wonderful that you had the connection of being friends first.

 

Take things as they come, and if for some reason things do not work out, I am going to use the ol' cliche that it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.

 

GOOD luck with this, I think it sounds promising....be gentle with him, he really comes off as having been hurt really bad in the past.

[doubting hope]

Me again.

 

He is lovely, and I really really like him, and I'm finding myself putting friends off, just in case he calls and wants to do something.... which I know is a terrible way to be. I think I'm obsessing slightly over him and I really don't want to be like that.

 

I wish I could just know what he's thinking..... part of my problem, I think, is that I have self-esteem / self-image issues, and I'm afraid that I'm not good enough or pretty enough for him. (and I know I shouldnt care!) I've always been chubby, but have set myself goals about getting fit and healthy and slimming down, and (in the last 4 months -- yup, a new years resolution i kinda stuck to!) I've lost about a stone in weight and toned up a fair bit and am far fitting than I used to be, and I'm actually enjoying getting fit!!

 

But I'm afriad that I'm not good enough for him and that while I'm happier and more self-confident now (and prettier -- losing even that small amount of weight means that I've cheekbones again!!) that it's not enough.

 

Maybe I'm better off with no boyfriend at all..... I had a lot of long term relationships up until a year ago, and since then I've been single except for a few relationships which barely lasted 4 weeks... and I am happier with myself, but I think I'm so not used to being with someone that I almost cling to them when I do have someone..... hmmm... sorry. I seem to have meandered off the point... maybe it's not him with the issues.... maybe he knows that I've issues myself and thats why he doesnt want to be with me