My Parents - the Burdens they Are

[WhisperinnWinds]

I'm in my mid-20s and I'm the younger of two children - my brother is about 5 years my senior. My mother and father are 51 and 58, respectively. Both weigh more than 350 lbs. - my mother is 380 lbs. My mother's an engulfing narcissist, so living with her was absolutely miserable. I was never good enough as the scapegoat.

 

Later on, my dad would join in on her attacks so he could 'belong.' For the past few years, they only spoke to me when they wanted/demanded something or to complain about my personality, job, looks, relationships, friendships, etc. My mother even convinced herself that I was an alcoholic, and freely told everyone we knew, because I would have a few glasses of wine a month. Literally maybe a drink or two per week.

 

When I moved out, regardless, it was a relief. I am low contact with my mother. Unfortunately, this means 1 - 2 phone calls per week of a few minutes hearing all about everyone's problems and how 'miserable' this is for her.

 

They're both in relatively bad health. My mother (I suspect, by her symptoms) has untreated diabetes. My dad has terrible knees. My mom can't stand for long without back pain. Both expect their kids to just drop everything and work for them.

 

My brother was suckered into replacing their steps in front of the house - a job that turned out to be more than 10 to 15 hours. Meanwhile, they argued about how they weren't going to pay him - when he had to miss work because of injuries from it - because they felt entitled. For the record, he's not skilled in anything like that. My mother expects me to shop with her and haul all of her groceries in every week.

 

I feel like I get dumped on with all of my mother's emotional problems. She has been calling me over the last several weeks about my dad's job. He's never been a model employee - it always seemed that at least once a week, he came home upset about how a manager scolded him.

 

This morning, I learned that a new manager was hired. My dad often keeps a chair just off the factory line so he can sit down, rather than walking to the cafeteria. He claims the new manager is 'picking' on him - the manager demanded the chair be removed. After some arguing, it came back. The manager insisted again, and my dad went to complain about it. Apparently the manager told him to go home before he said anything he regretted. He also told my dad that he hasn't been doing his job that well. This isn't the first time this has been mentioned.

 

My dad's got seniority in the factory - the most of anyone there, really - but he earns about 50% more than all of the new hires. Given the fact that he is older and in bad shape, I see no guarantee that he will keep his job. Moreover, my mom hasn't worked in 30 years. She has no skills and no one would hire her in the shape she's in. Neither of them bother to stop stuffing their faces (...the man alone can eat two large pizzas in a single sitting, if allowed) or get up off the couch once in a while.

 

I'm heavy myself - far be it from me to cast stones. But they've gotten themselves into a horrible shape that's still affecting my life. I am terrified that my dad will lose his job and my mom will come crawling to me (as her only daughter) demanding a place to stay.

 

Thankfully, we live in a one-bedroom apartment...maybe she'll hit up my brother first. But since we're better off than my brother is, I worry that if we ever move into a bigger place, we would be hounded to death by these people.

 

I am very angry at my parents for the abuse they subjected me to so very unapologetically. I deal with them primarily to keep myself from feeling guilty about 'abandoning' them, or from losing other family members who may not understand our situation.

 

In the past, in simple conversations about if I would support her or not if my dad died, I joked that I wouldn't. She went into a rage that persisted for days. When she's angry about something else, she'll always reference that joke somewhere about how even her "own daughter" won't take her in. She was miserable to live with the first time around. I really do not want to entertain a second round.

 

Is it wrong to feel this way? I find myself often terrorized by the possibilities - of either of them dying (which means the other becomes my automatic burden) or my dad losing his job. At times, I'll have nightmares about it and feel myself getting scared again. When I lived at home, I was always anxious, nervous and scared because invariably I would be ripped into about something or another.

 

Has anyone else ever taken steps to prevent having to support their parents? I would do as much as I could to help...but no...I never want to live with either of them again. I'm not going to take more abuse. I'll help pay for food, medicine, whatever, but I do not want them under my roof. How did others deal with the fallout from other family members who didn't understand why you'd let 'poor mom and dad' to be left out in the cold?

[Eve]

OP, I think that you should carry on phoning your Mum once or twice per week because I think you would feel guilty otherwise. Keep the topic on positive things as far as possible. If she diverts the topic to a negative source weigh up whether it is worth arguing or not. I think you know it probably isn't.

 

The most important aspect is that you must learn to put down the conversation and not carry it with you. I think that being exposed to such dialogue has made you susceptible to do the same sort of thing as your parents but just not as extreme. I mean they got into the state they are in somehow didn't they? I say obsessing over trivialities and things which they can't control has probably got them where they are instead of simply losing weight and facing their problems.

 

So, my advice to you is to do what they couldn't. Be yourself and don't internalise their nonsense.

 

As for looking after them in your own home. No, I am sure there are other options. Maybe look into this now to put your mind at rest? Find out what is in your area.

 

Some parents never should have been parents in the first place but they are. You seem to be able to rationalise pretty well and your brother seems a good enough person to want to help them out so maybe they have succeeded in a way they just cannot fathom?

 

Well done you for what you have managed to do for them. I think you need to hear that.. they should be boosting you up and telling you sweet things about yourself! But girl, don't follow their way of dealing with life. Be what they couldn't be.

 

Chin up.

 

Hope this made some sense.

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve x