Slow & Steady Wins the Race... An Update

[1784]

Hello Everyone,

 

It's been a while since I've written an update but I feel like it's probably time to do just that. My main thread is here, in case you want to look at it:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270815/?highlight=1784

 

It's closed due to the length of the thing but there's a lot of good advice from a lot of good people throughout the thread. Truly invaluable advice.

 

Anyway, it's been almost 4 months since my ex and I have been officially broken up. During the time since the breakup there has been limited contact and now zero contact. I have never once initiated contact with her. She has sent me two 'care' packages, the last of which I didn't even acknowledge one way or the other. That was a few weeks ago and I haven't heard anything since.

 

How am I doing?

 

It's hard to judge because the present is so obviously clear to you and the past feels fuzzy. When she and I first broke up I certainly was a mess. On a scale of 1-10 (1 being awful and 10 being awesome) I'd say I was a 1. After several weeks I moved my way along to a 3 or 4. There were some snafus in there so I'd teeter between different levels of sadness, anger, frustration, hope, confusion, etc. Eventually I made my way up to a good solid 6.5. I'd say that right now I'm at a 7.

 

7 as compared to 1 is pretty tremendous actually. If you told me I could have felt like a 7 one week after the breakup I probably would have paid you $1,000,000 for it. Everything is relative, though. You feel what you're supposed to feel. You need to go through everything. There's no getting around all of the stages. And if you don't deal with them now they'll certainly manifest themselves in other ways later.

 

So how am I really doing?

 

I'm good. Not great. Not bad. Good. I still think about my ex quite a bit. It's different than it was, though. When we first broke up I felt desperate. Panicked. I felt longing for her. I missed her. I wondered if this was a terrible mistake. I thought she was so very good for me even given the circumstances of our breakup. Anyway, you all know what I mean. We all go through similar stuff. I'm just trying to say that when we broke up I felt what one typically feels - like crap.

 

I don't feel that way anymore. I've very much found my sense of humor again. Oh, it was there, poking its head out from time to time back in March but wasn't as reliable like it had always been. I know people noticed. I noticed. I felt down. I felt achy. Tired. I'd just sort of wander through the day like a zombie. Commute, work, commute, sleep. Repeat. My day to day is not dismal any longer. I'm not wondering what I can do feel better about 'us'. I'm actively doing what I need to do in order to feel better about me. And obviously that's the key. You've all read it hundreds of times. I know I had. But until you actually start doing it nothing is really gonna change all that much. It's true.

 

So what AM I feeling?

 

Well I'd be lying if I said i didn't still think about my ex. I do. But it isn't the same as it was. Whereas I was missing her in my life before now I am just sort of vaguely intrigued by what she is up to. She was part of my life for 3+ years. I don't try to find out what she's doing, though. I cut her from Facebook long ago. We don't really share mutual friends. I refuse to contact her. So she's gone. Gone from my life. And it's better this way, it really is. But like I said, I do think about her and it does still hurt a bit. I wonder if she misses me. I wonder if she'll ever feel that she made a mistake in letting me go. Things of that nature. Thoughts that, of course, do me no good. But I let myself feel them and then try to focus on something else. I don't treat these thoughts as intruders. I just let them come in and go out... as long as they don't stay.

 

I'd also be lying if I said that I'm still not angry. I wish I wasn't. I think I'm getting closer to where I want/need to be. I'm not there yet, though. I still feel bitterness. I still feel slighted. But not quite as much. I think eventually I'll be able to forgive my ex but I know I'll never forget it. That helps me to know why we could never be together again. Acceptance. That is one plateau that I certainly have reached. I no longer feel that we were meant for one another. I realize that I'm better off without her and she's probably better off without me. If we were supposed to be together we would have been. Not to mention, while relationships do take work the should never be THAT hard, ya know? It IS supposed to be enjoyable. I already have a job. I don't want another when I get home.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no quick fix. You have to go through the motions, deal with stuff that you feel, talk to people, etc. But you also have to take action for yourself. You have to move away from the situation. Not because you hate your ex. Because you love your self. No matter what happens in the future you will never be ready for it if you don't work on you. This could be with your ex or a new person. But like everyone says, if you don't feel good about you then no one else will either.

 

I've gone through a roller-coaster ride. It's not over but I've already gone down the HUGE slope, the loop dee loops, etc. Things are really starting to level out. I feel better. I feel happier. My smile is brighter. My outlook is more optimistic. And I know that some days will be easier than others. That's life. But you have to just keep trudging forward. There's no "That was easy" button. It isn't easy. It's hard as hell. But it does get better every single day as long as you let it get better.

 

So yeah, I feel pretty good. My ex may contact me again. She may not. It won't change who I am or what I'm striving for. I won't let her get in my way any longer because it wouldn't really BE her getting in my way. It'd be me. It was always me. You can't blame someone who isn't there anymore. You can only hold yourself responsible. I have stopped "playing the victim" of my failed relationship with my ex - no matter what she did or didn't do. I've decided to take responsibility for my life and my happiness. I think this has made all the difference.

 

That's pretty much it. I'm in a better place. People notice it and I notice it. I'm not without my setbacks but they are minor and fleeting. I still feel sadness sometimes in things lost. But it's just nostalgia. It's not something that's in my present any longer. Just knowing that helps. THIS is my reality now. The present. And in the present there is no ex. There's just me. And I'm doing what I can day to day, minute to minute to make it the best I can. It's all I can do and yet it is everything.

 

Thanks to everyone here on LS who read and contributed to my thread. I wrote this new post for myself but mostly for all of you. I wanted to give you an update on my life and how I've been. I hope all of you are well. Please feel free to drop me a line here. You've all been invaluable to my life and I'll never forget that.

 

-1784

Edited June 15, 2011 by 1784

[Steve11]

I'm in the same position. Together for 3.5 years, split 2 months ago, been solid no contact for 2 weeks.

 

Starting to feel much better, carrying on with life. I do get these times when I think of her & feel down. But would never contact her.

 

I can't wait for the day when I can text her asking how she is & be not feel any emotion. I do care for her.

[TearyEyedPride]

Your post seemed to touch me. I think I needed to be reminded of the fact that you really can't prepare for the future or try to control what you feel. Sometimes to grow you actually have to go through the obstacle instead of trying to find loop holes and ways around it. For me this has been a painful experience. The pain is no longer crippling or panic attack worthy, but it still aches. It is what it is though nonetheless. Hopefully in a few months my testimony will be better as well.

[1784]

@Steve11 - Honestly, right now I am not waiting "for the day when I can text her asking how she is...". I have no intention of ever contacting her again. Not because I hate her. Becuase I just don't think any good can come from it. Perhaps one day I will feel differently. I really AM hoping for indifference but until I actually feel that way (which, who knows, I may never) then I'll certainly keep my distance. That chapter of my life is over and revisiting it is not something I plan on doing. For what? Does that make sense?

 

@TearyEyedPride - It's very tough to let go of control. VERY tough. It's essential, though. When you just let life be life you'll much happier because you'll easily welcome in anything that happens instead of being disappointed by what hasn't transpired. Control, after all, IS an illusion. It's one of the hardest things you can accept. I'm working on it and not doing such a bang up job ; )

 

But yeah, it still hurts, only the hurt is lessening. Knowing that alone should make you feel better.

 

Thanks for the replies. Keep 'em coming.

Have a great day.

 

-1784

[Aqua066]

Excellent post 1784!! A lot of great information... and glad ur doing so well. Just a quick question... have you started dating again? If so, has it helped your healing process...

 

 

Thanks bro. Stay strong!

 

Aqua

[Karala]

Hey!! You don't know me, but I read your whole thread throughout and most of your other posts just a few days ago (yes, I have too much time on my hands), and really wondered where you were now! Thank you so much for giving us the update, I enjoy more than anything reading testimonies from people who have found themselves at 1 on that scale of 1 to 10, and find themselves moving along slowly but surely and much better off now. We all need to remember that there is hope, and that if other people manage to do it we can probably do it too. Thanks!

[1784]

@Aqua066 - I have not started dating again, no. Not yet. If the opportunity presented itself, though, I think I am in a good enough frame of mind to pursue it. I think there will always be lingering effects from my previous relationship but not enough for me to put my life on hold. If I did find that I couldn't move forward with someone else because of my ex, though, I would certainly acknowledge that and proceed take a step back (or to the side).

 

@Karala - Thanks for your feedback. I happen to think that my other thread really is worth the time it takes to read thru it. Not just because of things I said but more because of advice/perspective/shared experiences that others gave. That thread is literally a journey from point A to point T. It shows a lot of progress and all of the pitfalls that a person can go through during their breakup travels.

 

There certainly is hope... ALWAYS. It's tough to live in the moment, recognize it for what it is, acknowledge that it is NOT forever, and proceed forward to the next moment. It's one of the hardest things in the world. It takes a lot of patience and perseverance. But you will always come out the other end a better, smarter, more experienced person. Every time. You just have to see it through. The pain, the anguish, the anger, the self-pity, the introspection, the sadness, the longing and everything else that goes along with it are all necessary in order to get you to where you need to go. And if you didn't need to go there then you wouldn't be on the journey in the first place. It's tough but you have to look at it more like an opportunity for growth more than a visit to Hell.

 

Thanks for all of your responses. It's nice to know you have people looking out for you : )

 

-1784

[0hpenelope]

That was a very popular thread. Something about the topic just triggered a strong response to a lot of users and I watched it with interest.

 

It's good to see you're feeling better, 1784. Isn't it nice on this side of the fence?

[Rea333]

1784, your posts are so helpful, well written, heart felt and inspiring. I broke up with my ex about the same time as you. I never heard from him again. It makes me sad to know he never reached out, never regretted his decision. I think of him most days, but much less than the beginning.

 

I was a "level 1" like you for the first few days. Gradually progressing to I'd say about a 6 now. Maybe even a 7 on a good day. For me, I find the mornings the hardest. I could wake up being a 2 or 3 and end up feeling a 6 by the end of the day.

 

We have no mutual friends (in life and on Facebook) We don't live near one another, so the chances of ever seeing him again are slim. I've accepted it's over and he chose to dispose of me. Think that's the hardest part - the rejection.

 

I look forward to the day I can meet someone else. I think I'm just about ready if the opportunity presented itself, but I don't think I'd go looking for it just yet.

 

Thanks for the update. Good to hear you're doing better.

 

Best wishes, Rea

[1784]

I wish I could say that I was a 'level 7' on all days. Truth be told, I definitely still waver between levels of 'okay'. I guess that's just the nature of things. Nothing is set in stone. Life is dynamic and you have to move along with it.

 

There are a lot of days where I do still miss her. I miss feeling her close to me. I miss the good times we had. But in reality, like I had stated earlier, it's more nostalgia now than anything else. In those moments of remembrance I am choosing to see what I want to see, namely the times I cherished. The reality of it all is that there were plenty of things wrong. These are the things that I try to keep at the forefront of my mind. They're a lot more truthful and way more useful for my own healing and moving on. She showed her selfishness to me time and time again over the course of our relationship. As long as I remember that I easily shrug off those nostalgic sunny moments. I mean, who doesn't have fun on a vacation? It's the day to day stuff that really matters. And that's where she most obviously displayed why she and I could never make it to the finish line. It was never really ever about us, it was about her. I try to always remember that. It helps a lot.

 

My biggest challenge seems to be in the realm of forgiveness. I don't know exactly how to 'work' on that but I think a lot of it has to do with my own life. As I find peace in my own life i feel this will lead to me forgiving her. The thing is, I'd only be forgiving her for my own sake. She'd never know about it. I'd literally be forgiving her for being, well, HER. That's kind of weird. She is who she is. I guess I just need to accept that. The further away I get from the breakup the easier that should become.

 

I've come a long way. I don't hurt like I did at all. There is still some hurt left, though. It's hard to just oust someone who was so very close to you and so involved in your day to day decisions. I'm just trusting that time and space will take care of it. They always do. We all just want the pain to go away so badly that we get frustrated. It's normal. It's natural.

 

Anyway, that's what I have for you all today. I'm definitely feeling better but I'm not fully healed yet. I'm also not really trying to concentrate on just how healed I am. I am whatever I feel that day. Using numbers like a '7' or a '5' is just another way to label things. By doing that we are all limiting ourselves. Just be. Be what you are. Feel how you feel, but move forward anyway. That's what I'm trying to do.

 

I will say this... I feel more like myself than I have in a long time; and this includes when I was with my ex. This gives me yet another reason to know I'm better off without her. She was stifling me. I was conforming to her. It's good to know that I'm more and more how I'm supposed to be.

 

Okay, everyone, have a great weekend. Thanks for contributing. I hope you are all doing better.

 

-1784

[Karala]

I mean, who doesn't have fun on a vacation? It's the day to day stuff that really matters.

So true.

[Sassygirl2]

1784 - Your posts are always very helpful and well written. Thank you.

 

I woke up today feeling very much the way you have described your recent feelings. I love the scale of 1 to 10 to measure how you're doing. I am probably at a 6 most days. My ex and I broke up 2 months ago and have had very limited contact. It's been tough. Like you, I know that we were not great for each other. There were a lot of really good times - when I remember them now, I try to be thankful instead of angry or hurt. I am trying to change my attitude from the "pissed off he left me" to "grateful for the experiences". One of the things that keeps me hung up is letting go of the questions. Is he hurting too? Does he miss me? Is he dating someone else? I guess it's giving up the control of knowing what he's doing all the time. I know that some day our paths will cross as we both have children that go to the same school. I'm just thankful it's summer and I won't have to see him at least for a few more months. Hopefully by then I will be at an 8 or so.

[stopthemadness]

I just wanted to say Thanks for the great post!! Your doing very well in your healing process. 4 months and your this far along. Good for you!! July 7 Ill be out of my breakup 1 year. And I feel like am where your at now. But it took me a whole year and 7 months of seeing a therapist to get here. I was with the ex 8 1/2 years, maybe thats why it took longer? who knows? Iam just glad am here. Maybe ill go back and read your other posts. Thanks again.......and good for you..........

[1784]

I appreciate all of your appreciation. Like I did with my initial thread I figured that if I was honest with myself and all of you on here that we'd all benefit in one way or another. I look at my situation and realize that while it is very personal to me, it's not all that different than so many others' situations.

 

Ya know, we all have different stories but in the end they really are so very similar. Two people meet, they have a relationship and they break up. We all have our reasons but honestly, sometimes I don't think the reasons matter as much as we all think. Our exes did what they felt they needed to do and so did we. There isn't anything else. It's a matter of two people trying to coexist and oftentimes it just doesn't work. When you simplify it you can almost come to grips with it a little bit easier. It it was meant to work it would have. Well, it didn't. It happens all the time.

 

This isn't to say that it isn't difficult. Of course it is. It's been an extremely trying time for me. I don't envy myself, lol. Between my ex, my job situation, my mom's illness, etc, it's been an extreme test of my patience, faith and will. I do know that going through all this will make me stronger and better prepare me for whatever life hands me next. Do I think I deserve a break? Yeah, I really do. I know that there are people worse off than me in this world but everyone has their own limits. I feel like I could use some happy stuff to happen soon. But I am doing my part in trying to coax life into throwing me some positive energy.

 

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I think of myself as "everyman" here. I go through all of this stuff and I guess I hope that people can learn from it, be inspired from it, take knowledge away from it, etc. Why not share the process? I hope you all can gain a fraction of what I've gotten from you. I know that without LS I probably wouldn't be as far along as I currently am. You've always been here for me any time I've logged on. Definition of 'dependable' = LoveShack.

 

All I can say is that it gets better. How could it not? No one can tell you how long it's gonna take. It has nothing to do with these absurd algorithms of how long you were with your ex equaling a certain amount of recovery time. I've never heard something so ridiculous in my entire life. What it does have to do with is you. Your love. Your resolve. Your will. Your discipline. Your acceptance. Your patience. Your forgiveness. If you want to get over him/her then you will. It'll take time but life does move on. You couldn't stay 'here' even if you tried to. Things around you would change and therefore you would change. You are not alone. You are part of this dynamic world. Just let it in.

 

-1784

[radiodarcy]

thanks for posting this 1784! i remember reading the threads when you started posting here. it sounds like your making great progress in moving on. it really is a process. which is why i post so much on loveshack - - i was getting so tired of hearing my family and friends say "everyone gets dumped, get over it!" yes sooner or later we all get dumped/go through break ups but it helps to have a forum like LS where other people are currently going through a break up and can relate to what we're going through.

 

i really think the key to moving on is acknowledging that our feelings for our exes are going to be there for some time. long after they've gotten over us. i've seen people try and deal with break ups by simply "manning up" and cutting off their feelings; refusing to talk about them. but all that does is make the wound fester. it's much better to acknowledge your humanity and admit that your hurting and learn from the heartbreak, than deny the pain and pay a hefty price down the road in one failed relationship after another.

[1784]

Just in the name of continuity I figure I'll give you a minor update on how I'm feeling this morning...

 

Holidays of any sort make me think of my ex for some reason. Father's Day, even though it has nothing to do with she or I in any way, nor do we have any shared memories of it, was no exception. I guess it's mostly because I can almost picture what her weekend consisted of (going home, spending time with her family, etc).

 

Anyway, the good news is that my feelings for her are really dwindling. It actually amazes me. I mean, in one way it's really sort of sad that this person who I used to think the world of, who I would have probably taken a bullet for, has become so inconsequential in my life. A couple of months ago this thought really would have torn me apart. Now it doesn't. Crazy. I find myself feeling less and less for her. I don't feel torn apart from her any longer. Now I just feel separated. Like she has her life and I have mine. I'm doing me things and she is doing her things. There's no "I wish Xxxxx were here" or "Xxxxx and I would have gone here this weekend". I'm back to living my life as if she's not there. Not an option. And it's funny, because of course she ISN'T an option. But for so many weeks she did feel like an option. My brain thought so, anyway.

 

It really is amazing how much better you can feel if you just let time do it's thing. It's very mental and very UN-emotional. Your brain recognizes patterns, rituals, etc. Once the person is gone you just have to let them be gone. To try and think about them as if they were there or hoping they're going to be there is just counterproductive. If you treat the situation as it is - s/he is not there - it makes things so much easier because you psyche responds accordingly. Stupid heart is always getting in the way!

 

Anyway, I just wanted to mention that this morning. It does get better. You just have to let it. It's one of the hardest things to do but it makes such a difference.

 

Be well all.

[1784]

This morning's random thought...

 

ACCEPTANCE

 

It's pretty amazing, I decided that I wanted to update this thread just now but I didn't know with what to update it with. I thought maybe I'd ask you guys a question or have you weigh in on something I wasn't sure about. You know what, though? I think I always knew the answers to the questions I had. I just wasn't willing to accept them nor was I willing to accept her for who she truly is. I spent so much time trying to understand the situation. TOO much time. Because in the end I realize I knew what I know now... the whole time. I mean, emotion is a funny thing. It literally defies logic. But now that I've had an ample amount of time and distance from the breakup I realize that I was right about things all along. It's kind of empowering, being able to trust yourself. Knowing you actually DID have it right the whole time. It just takes time to sink in sometimes because your heart beats so loudly.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that acceptance really is the key to everything. You may feel so very lost and without a clue. That's not true at all. Give yourself a chance. Listen to yourself. You probably know what wasn't right about your relationship if you're really honest with yourself. But you won't truly begin to move on until you trust that what you know is RIGHT. That you do deserve better. That if it was supposed to work it would have. Etc, etc, etc,

 

Acceptance. One of the most difficult 3 syllable words I've ever had to deal with in my life.

[GreenPolicy]

Pain is Pain. Pain + Non-Acceptance = Misery and Agony. I feel like I have reached acceptance. I wouldn't say I'm "happy" though. My relationship with my ex brought me so many great things, or else I wouldn't be missing her/it and would've shrugged off her loss.

 

The feelings I have these days 8.5 months out I would describe as bittersweet. NC really does help in getting yourself to move on. She's still on my mind constantly, but my feelings when I think about her are not nearly as intense as they were a few months ago. In some ways that's a relief, because pining for her is counter-productive and a waste of time and energy. In many ways my heart and head are aligned better than they were at the time of the breakup. I have hope now that I am going to come out on the other side, even though I wouldn't say I'm quite there yet. I've met somebody that I genuinely like. It's very early, I'm not remotely close to being able to commit to a monogamous, exclusive relationship, but things are off to a very good start. She's the first person I've met since the breakup that a relationship seems plausible. You never know when red flags or deal breakers might appear, so I do want to take things slow. So that's the sweet part.

 

I guess the bitter part comes from realizing that I've detached from my ex some, and I mourn having somebody to love and care about intensely. I still love my ex, despite everything, but it's less of a pining "I want you back" love as it is an appreciation of what we had. I think we get so used to being in pain and miserable over the ex that we do not want to let go of that pain, because it means letting go of the ex, and there's a part of us that does not want to let go. I find myself sometimes fighting letting go when I can feel the current in my mind and heart is decisively moving in that direction whether I try to fight it or not.

[1784]

What's really difficult about moving on is that your ex kind of becomes your last frame of reference. This is why it's essential to put all of your attention on yourself; but obviously working on YOU is a lot different than the role your ex played in your life. Very different. So while you can do lots of things to help yourself move on it is pretty hard to truly get to the next step without having another significant other in your life. I'm not saying you NEED one to move on. I'm just saying that the big breakup kind of leaves you with him/her as a pretty inconvenient comparative figure.

[GreenPolicy]

What's really difficult about moving on is that your ex kind of becomes your last frame of reference. This is why it's essential to put all of your attention on yourself; but obviously working on YOU is a lot different than the role your ex played in your life. Very different. So while you can do lots of things to help yourself move on it is pretty hard to truly get to the next step without having another significant other in your life. I'm not saying you NEED one to move on. I'm just saying that the big breakup kind of leaves you with him/her as a pretty inconvenient comparative figure.

 

My problem, if you're familiar with my story, is that it was a very unexpected and abrupt ending. I realize on an intellectual level that even if she called me up today, said all the right things, promised to go to couples counseling, etc, and I took her back, that I would always be walking on eggshells wondering when she'd bail again. I told my story to so many people, here on LS and offline, and the general consensus was my ex has intimacy and commitment issues, and at this point in her life she is not a good candidate for a happy and healthy LTR. And I realize that I need to be in NC for my own good, because it would be hard to resist her even if she did come back. Of course, the chances of this happening are so remote when you get abruptly cut off like I did. But considering I have literally no bad memories of her outside of the day I was dumped, there is this sort of yearning inside of me to go back to Eden. But like it was in the Bible, the way back is barred. It's not an option.

 

The girl in the picture now, I genuinely like her, and I can tell she is very smitten with me. If I keep asking her out, keep doing the same things I have been doing, there's no doubt in my mind that she will want to be exclusive. Normally, I'd be a lot more excited, and for the first time since the breakup, nearly 9 months out, I can see myself in a relationship again. It doesn't seem preposterous. But I think I need to take things slow and not be in such a rush. The only thing that would hold me back at this point is that before I commit to anyone exclusively, I have to be able to answer no to the question "If your ex came back and wanted to reconcile, would you drop this person to be with her again?" I think it's a *****ty thing to overpromise and underdeliver, and end a new relationship to revive an old one.

 

I shouldn't want to reconcile with my ex and she's been gone for so long that it seems silly talking about something that seems as likely as the Browns winning the Super Bowl or Sarah Palin getting elected President, but I've been told to not be surprised if she resurfaces at some point. I don't feel like I can be monogamous with anybody unless I can honestly say I would not drop somebody to reconcile with her. I figure taking it slow, getting to know somebody, and seeing if genuine feelings develop is the best way to start a new relationship. If I develop strong feelings for somebody else then I'll be immunized at being the kind of *****ty person who drops their current person to go back to an ex.

[ganbare]

If I develop strong feelings for somebody else then I'll be immunized at being the kind of *****ty person who drops their current person to go back to an ex.

 

No, no, no, no not good! Another person is not responsible for controlling your immunisation or stability. By saying this you have relinquished control. This is something that has to be internally dealt with. Is your ex a good person for you or not? If the answer is "no" and you have accepted that both emotionally and intellectually then you have your immunity!

[GreenPolicy]

No, no, no, no not good! Another person is not responsible for controlling your immunisation or stability. By saying this you have relinquished control. This is something that has to be internally dealt with. Is your ex a good person for you or not? If the answer is "no" and you have accepted that both emotionally and intellectually then you have your immunity!

 

I have completely accepted it intellectually. Emotionally that is a work in progress.

 

I guess what I'm saying is - if I'm in a satisfying, healthy relationship and the ex pops up, it won't be hard to say no to her. When I was with my ex, I would not have entertained offers to reconcile from the ex-ex. But if I were single, I think I would have. I can be alone, and have spent far more time single than in a relationship, but companionship is nice.

 

It's something I'm working on. I know as much as I have come to learn about my ex's faults, I need to be in NC to protect me from myself.

[1784]

What's trickiest about your situation, GP, is that you've made your ex almost perfect in your eyes... aside for the whole LEAVING YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN thing (which is pretty severe in my eyes). Well, I'm afraid that this is going to have to be good enough for you to chop her right down from that pedestal. Sometimes one wrong thing is enough to undo all of the bright and shiny moments. I think you have your motivation. I realize it's easy to say. I know it's not easy. But it's reality. It's what's in front of you.

[GreenPolicy]

What's trickiest about your situation, GP, is that you've made your ex almost perfect in your eyes... aside for the whole LEAVING YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN thing (which is pretty severe in my eyes). Well, I'm afraid that this is going to have to be good enough for you to chop her right down from that pedestal. Sometimes one wrong thing is enough to undo all of the bright and shiny moments. I think you have your motivation. I realize it's easy to say. I know it's not easy. But it's reality. It's what's in front of you.

 

I know she's not perfect, but I think in many ways I made the relationship perfect, which it wasn't either. I'll put it this way: with my ex-ex, there were issues that would have eventually broken us up (she took a job in another state, so we parted mutually and amicably and remain friends). That relationship was about 75 percent good and 25 percent bad. With my most recent ex, on a day to day basis, that relationship was 90-95 percent good and 5-10 percent bad. The 5-10 percent I had no problem living with. I think it's why I miss her so much.

 

I think your mind and your heart plays tricks on you. I think I have to realize that even if we reconciled, it would not be the same. It would never be as good as what came before. I'd be resentful about how she left the first time, I'd have a hard time trusting her. I doubt she has worked on her issues in the interim, so I don't see how I'd be signing up for anything other than a second helping of inevitable heartbreak. You are right though that I have to stop focusing on what I had with her and more on the manner in which she chose to end things. The bottom line is she's either a jerk (she was using me and didn't care about hurting me) or she's unstable (she has foundational issues that prevented her from continuing with me). Why would I want to be with either a jerk or a flake?

 

I think a big part of it is looks - she's gorgeous and my "physical" type to boot.

[1784]

I hear you, GP. I mean, obviously we would have never been with our exes if we hadn't really loved them, been attracted to them, enjoyed spending out lives with them, etc. But the cold truth of the matter is nothing more than this - if it was so good, if it was meant to be, if it was the right match... wouldn't we still be with them? I feel like a lot of us spend so much time and effort looking for the answer(s) as to why we were broken up with. It's natural to do so. We, as humans, seek answers. We don't simply accept what's in front of us much like animals do. But we sure could learn something from animals. They're survivors. They deal with what's in front of them. If they can't find food in one spot, they move to another. That's sort of what we're dealing with here. Your ex decided to leave for WHATEVER reasons she had. Now you're 'here'. You need to move to another spot. It sounds like you're doing that so that's really great. The point is, though, that you will probably not find any more answers. You don't need to know any more than you already do. She left. My ex left (gave up) too. We only have two choices: 1) spend all of our time thinking about why they left, or 2) go in our own direction and just accept that they left, for whatever reasons they had. Because in the end it simply does not matter why they left. They just did. It was their call. So be it. Your relationship may have been 95% good to you but maybe it wasn't to her. Or maybe she wasn't ready. Or maybe she's a defeatist. Who knows. It doesn't matter. all you really do have to acknowledge is that it wasn't right. Not the right girl, not the right time, etc. it just wasn't right. And you WILL be better off because of it. It's just a simple fact. Because when thing are right, they're right. And you wouldn't be here at LS if they were.