Next steps?

[Kidd]

I am indeed testing my wife to see if she can keep her mouth shut since she had previously asked if I would agree to tell her first so she can have OM confess on his own. That request was basically on dday and we havent discussed since. I want to see if I am her priority or him. I she can't agree to the exposure or does notify him first, I think I have my answers. Suppose I have to commit to divorce at that point. Sounds wishy-washy, huh? I don't see any other option but D. I can't R while she protects him this way. Either way, I can tell you that I am not asking permission. This is happening.

 

You're probably dead-on about the workplace. Feel a need to meet personally and it's all I could think of. I think both spouses work a regular workweek so it would be tough to call her at home. Have her work # but that seems cruel. Otherwise, why would she meet a stranger for coffee? Just new territory for me. Infidelity...the gift that keeps giving.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I was going to tell OMW basically as soon as I can after Wednesday. Thought I would stop by her desk at work at the end of a workday so we could walk and talk. Thought I should show her some things I have to help reinforce that it's true. Advantages to other approaches?

 

I agree with Owl. You don't have to give anyone advanced warning of this. However, if you feel it's the right way to go... then I urge you to do what you think is right. Just don't expect your wife to be grateful or think better of you for it.

 

I also agree with Owl that telling her in the workplace is a bad idea. I would reach out to her quickly and set something up. She may already know about the affair... at which point it might be important for the two of you to just compare stories.

 

Just keep in mind that this will probably begin a sh**storm in OM's household. You really have no idea how this woman will react.

[Kidd]

Just read the first half of SAA. Couldn't have spoken more to virtually my exact situation. But those folks have way more patience than even I have been showing. Not going to alter my plans for this week but really gives me a new sense of focus. Owl, I think you're the one to thank for that suggestion way back at the beginning of this thread.

[Mz. Pixie]

Kidd-I just wanted to weigh in and let you know that I think it may be a mistake to allow her to weigh in-test or no test-on whether to tell his wife or not. It's all about giving him notice for damage control.

 

He didn't give you notice that he wanted to sleep with your wife did he? Why should he get notice that you're going to tell his wife? You're giving him common courtesy he didn't extend to you?

 

Exposure to his wife is the price they both pay for what they did- along with her job change. The element of surprise would be your best bet, IMO but you feel free to handle it the way you choose fit.

 

Keep posting and let us know what happens.

[Kidd]

By the way, I now suspect that there is a much greater likelihood that she has been continuing the affair than not. Damn. Anyone wanna say that they told me so?

[Untouchable_Fire]

By the way, I now suspect that there is a much greater likelihood that she has been continuing the affair than not. Damn. Anyone wanna say that they told me so?

 

I told you so's don't matter. The real question is... What do you plan to do about it?

[Kidd]

Hear you, Pixie. Reevaluating. Would like to have seen if she passed the test. That seems more important to me than any damage control he might try to do. I have a few emails between the two of them that make it pretty undeniable. What can he do to stop me? Just asking. Maybe I'm missing something. I guess me telling her out of the blue removes any chance for him to preempt the conversation/let her know first. I'd like to have her as an ally if possible. I still have to reevaluate now that I think the continuance of the affair is more likely than not. This takes me right back to investigations mode like I was in after dday. Unreal this drama. Better than a soap opera. I feel like I can't wait to see what can happen next. Now I might have to play the stupid BS role in MC this week just to keep my intent on the DL.

[Mr.Harris]

By the way, I now suspect that there is a much greater likelihood that she has been continuing the affair than not. Damn. Anyone wanna say that they told me so?

 

You need to realize that you need to turn this situation around by starting to protect yourself legally and emotionally. She won't change her ways unless she wants to and you can't control her, only yourself. You have all of the evidence and clues you need: From her continuing to work with the bastard, her getting an attitude about doing what is necessary to pay attention to the marriage, etc. Expose this then get your ducks in a row. How much more do you need to see that she's not going to change on a whim?

[Kidd]

Welcome back, Mr Harris.

 

No question I'll expose to OMW. Don't think I'll give her the preview. Man, I was pretty set on a strategy to figure her out. Gotta keep thinking my way thru. Just want to know the truth at this point.

 

Not much of a way to protect myself legally...no fault state. How freaking' screwed up is that crap? Something else I should do in this regard?

[OldOnTheInside]

You need to realize that you need to turn this situation around by starting to protect yourself legally and emotionally. She won't change her ways unless she wants to and you can't control her, only yourself. You have all of the evidence and clues you need: From her continuing to work with the bastard, her getting an attitude about doing what is necessary to pay attention to the marriage, etc. Expose this then get your ducks in a row. How much more do you need to see that she's not going to change on a whim?

 

Agreed, it is not about her well-being but your own from here on out.

 

There is little need for you to be merciful at this time. The other parties involved in the affair certainly weren't.

 

But I do think that you need to ask yourself: How far are you willing to go?

 

You plan on telling OMW, but what happens next? Plan far ahead before making your move.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Welcome back, Mr Harris.

No question I'll expose to OMW. Don't think I'll give her the preview. Man, I was pretty set on a strategy to figure her out. Gotta keep thinking my way thru. Just want to know the truth at this point.

Not much of a way to protect myself legally...no fault state. How freaking' screwed up is that crap? Something else I should do in this regard?

 

No fault is really just a way for Divorce Lawyers to make crazy amounts of money. When New York went "no fault" the bar association estimated it made divorce lawyers an extra BILLION!

 

The court may take cheating into account so long as you get the right judge and lawyer.

 

Not to pry... but what makes you believe that they are still continuing? Just a gut feeling or some solid actions?

[Kidd]

My story is the classic textbook example in the SAA handbook. I bet she never got over the withdrawal because she starts at square 1 every workday. Believe she's tried and probably very conflicted which explains everything else. Just a hunch but the same kind of ah-ha moment I had when I suspected the affair and GPSd her car. That was missing until today. Lots of little things adding up now. I could be wrong but accept that this is the much more likely scenario. Guessing I have dday #2 coming up if I'm clever enough to discover it. Dang.

[Mr.Harris]

Welcome back, Mr Harris.

 

No question I'll expose to OMW. Don't think I'll give her the preview. Man, I was pretty set on a strategy to figure her out. Gotta keep thinking my way thru. Just want to know the truth at this point.

 

Not much of a way to protect myself legally...no fault state. How freaking' screwed up is that crap? Something else I should do in this regard?

 

Yea trust me I know how messed up it is.

 

For now I'd probably take your half from all joint accounts and keep all other accounts hidden if you have any. If your wife is the major earner, most likely you could clean her out. May have to speak to your lawyer for more details.

 

I'd also start doing a 180 on her. The term is on this site but if I find it I'll post it or someone else can. It's just generally ways of isolating yourself from all of the negative drama your spouse gives off.

[Mr.Harris]

My story is the classic textbook example in the SAA handbook. I bet she never got over the withdrawal because she starts at square 1 every workday. Believe she's tried and probably very conflicted which explains everything else. Just a hunch but the same kind of ah-ha moment I had when I suspected the affair and GPSd her car. That was missing until today. Lots of little things adding up now. I could be wrong but accept that this is the much more likely scenario. Guessing I have dday #2 coming up if I'm clever enough to discover it. Dang.

 

Trickle-truth.

[Kidd]

Familiar with the 180 concept. Pretty much already started.

[Mr.Harris]

Familiar with the 180 concept. Pretty much already started.

 

Good......

[Spark1111]

My story is the classic textbook example in the SAA handbook. I bet she never got over the withdrawal because she starts at square 1 every workday. Believe she's tried and probably very conflicted which explains everything else. Just a hunch but the same kind of ah-ha moment I had when I suspected the affair and GPSd her car. That was missing until today. Lots of little things adding up now. I could be wrong but accept that this is the much more likely scenario. Guessing I have dday #2 coming up if I'm clever enough to discover it. Dang.

 

FBS here....What you are describing is a pretty normal occurrence. You do not have to forgive it, just try to understand it.

 

The hormones that are produced are very similiar to a substance abuse....and we all know there is no such thing as a little crack cocaine to and addict.

 

The judgement is skewed, the perception is totally wrong, and the drama level after DDAY is off the charts.

 

I asked him to leave. Everytime I discovered contact, I threw him out and told him to go be with his soulmate. I wouldn't stand in his way. I was moving on.

 

I exposed it, to his family and some trusted members of mine. I did not realize it at the time, but I did the classic 180, and I did need support. I did believe he was pretending to want to stay married to me while continuing this-oh-so-dramatic over the top communiques with her.

 

Got my ducks in a row. Started to create a life for me; saw old friends, hit the gym (very important for mental health) saw an IC.

 

I refused to talk of us. I always treated him with respect.

 

I did not expose it at work (They too were co-workers.) I would not hurt a child, any child, so why try to destroy a person's livelihood?

 

She was divorced. Had she been married, I would have exposed it to her spouse too.

[Binster]

Hi mate I've just been catching up with things and want to say I think your doing a lot of things right ok.

spill things to his wife

get the full transparency thing

and push for job change-what has she actually done on this

 

also consider exposing to the firm

 

If you think soethings still going on try vouce activated recorder in the car or flexispy on her phone good luck.

[Kidd]

Pretty bummed about suddenly from fairly confident in her to almost no confidence. Sucks that I have to go back into investigator mode. Had wild, crazy sex last night and again this morning. I couldnt even finish last night and it shouldve been the best of my life. Left feeling that it was all to instill false confidence in me that all is well. She didn't finish either, think she was too busy faking it (which I've never suspected before). This crap is brutal and without some kind of proof, I could be totally wrong. I was thinking about a voice-activated digital recorder for her car today and so I think I'll try that next. F*ck.

[Richard Friedman]

Why do you do this to yourself man? You already know what you're going to find. We're only young for what, 20-25 years? Just stop wasting your life on this undeserving women and move on.

[Mr.Harris]

Why do you do this to yourself man? You already know what you're going to find. We're only young for what, 20-25 years? Just stop wasting your life on this undeserving women and move on.

 

Agreed........

[Kidd]

I guess it's part optimism, part denial, and part holding out hope for our two kids to have a normal family life rather than the devastation that this will cause. My 8 year old boy is going to blame himself. He smart enough and sensitive enough to see how tough it is for parents. My beautiful 4-year daughter will just cry and never understand why she can't have her mom or dad. I guess I've been willing to hold out every hope for a true reconciliation, sacrificing myself in the short term for the long term goal. Figured it's just another cruel punishment for the BS to bear. SAA would say I should totally expect this phase to occur in her case of a long term physical and emotional affair and to ride out the storm with plan a or b for up to 2 years. I doubt many on these boards would support that. Up until now I've been determined to stop efforts if there was TT or a 2nd dday. Now the SAA book has me questioning this approach. I'm right back to a confused state where I feel like the only disadvantage to my patience is suffering more time as a BS until she comes out of the fog by seeing that they're not soulmates after all. At least I think that's most of the SAA theory.

[RepairMinded]

The problem is that as long as they are working together, in daily contact or potential contact, that has to be regarded as an on-going affair, even if there is nothing physical, because long term affairs have an emotional component.

 

You cannot begin to repair things (assuming you want to) if the affair is still in progress.

 

Basically instead of thinking in terms of how to monitor or control her behavior, you need to think in terms of your own boundaries and what you are willing to continue to accept.

 

Right now you are willing to accept that your wife is actively still engaged in at least an on-going emotional affair with her boss, with your consent and approval.

 

You are a cuckold. Before it was hidden but now it is not hidden, yet you continue to tolerate your diminished status.

 

Why is this state of affairs acceptable to you? That is the question that you must answer.

[RepairMinded]

I guess it's part optimism, part denial, and part holding out hope for our two kids to have a normal family life rather than the devastation that this will cause. My 8 year old boy is going to blame himself. He smart enough and sensitive enough to see how tough it is for parents. My beautiful 4-year daughter will just cry and never understand why she can't have her mom or dad. I guess I've been willing to hold out every hope for a true reconciliation, sacrificing myself in the short term for the long term goal. Figured it's just another cruel punishment for the BS to bear. SAA would say I should totally expect this phase to occur in her case of a long term physical and emotional affair and to ride out the storm with plan a or b for up to 2 years. I doubt many on these boards would support that. Up until now I've been determined to stop efforts if there was TT or a 2nd dday. Now the SAA book has me questioning this approach. I'm right back to a confused state where I feel like the only disadvantage to my patience is suffering more time as a BS until she comes out of the fog by seeing that they're not soulmates after all. At least I think that's most of the SAA theory.

 

You are talking about plan a or b so I assume this is from Marriage Builders. I am not an advocate for that website but if that is what you are referring to, you are seriously misinterpreting it. Harley very clearly states that before you can even get to plan a or b the wayward spouse and the affair partner must be completely separated from each other with not even casual contact permitted.

 

See link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

 

So obviously you have some serious issues you need to address as to why you are willing to tolerate what is being done to you and why you are apparently wilfully misinterpreting these marital recovery concepts.

[Mr.Harris]

The addiction to OM does not end instantly. It may tale 12 months of no contact before she starts to feel OK about losing OM.

 

There is no "addiction" and even if that is the case, no BS should have to put up with that.