Next steps?

[Mr.Harris]

I'm not sure that I'm trying to force my wife to suffer additional consequences. There has been no free pass for her in this situation other than the 13 months of selfishness that she's now going to pay for probably indefinitely. I've personally witnessed her misery over it for the last 6 weeks and she knows it's not going to end anytime soon. She and the OM are actively trying to find other jobs. I get regular updates as recently as tonight when I reinforced that I was not willing to remain in a marriage where she continues to work with him. I gave her a deadline. She knew that today marked 45 days. I'm not trying to make her miserable. She already is. And I'm not trying to ruin a lifelong career but that's probably going to happen anyway. I understand if reconciliation didn't work for you but it may be possible for us. You can rant about my lack of manhood if you want but I am focused on making decisions of which I am proud. Giving this marriage one more chance is not impossible. It's ridiculously hard. And maybe it won't work. Maybe you're right. I won't know if I don't give it a shot. I agreed to 90 days as a more-than-reasonable attempt to let her maintain a career. She'll do it or she won't. If not, I'll be gone and I'll have wasted 17 years plus 90 days.

 

Her deadline should have been 45 days ago, not 90 days.

[Kidd]

Touche'. No coddling of the BS here.

[Binster]

I know your geting told loads of stuff here but theirs no right or wrong way with this you just have to find what works for you.

Personally I think them working together is really bad, and like you say one has to get a new job. If your wife leaves her good job to go to a new firm and possible demotion etc then that tells you how serious she is on things.

If she makes excuses and doesn't leave for whatever reason that tells you all you need to know.

No offence But I dont think she'll be changeing jobs.

Also had a look at that site you found on her computor (hotwivesblog) not a good sign.

 

Hope she gets the new job mate good look.

[Owl]

They're not random. They are human just as you are and your view is not higher than theirs.

 

 

 

The post that got deleted because of "popular opinion" was true in every aspect. This guy is making a grave mistake trying to reconcile with someone who isn't even remorseful for what she did to him.

 

No, the post got deleted because it was insulting and personally attacking in nature...and it violated the TOS as a result.

 

Here's the thing...you're posting a "dissenting opinion" now.

 

And I don't have a problem with that.

 

I don't agree with your opinion...but...you're presenting it without attacking the OP, his wife, or any other poster on this forum.

 

You're simply pointing out your opinion, and why you believe it's the course of action that the OP should take, without trying to insult, attack, or otherwise violate the TOS.

 

I have no issues whatsoever with what you've posted. It's the internet...dissenting opinions are expected.

 

Personal attacks and insults are a violation of TOS.

 

Big difference.

 

Thanks for caring enough to post your opinion and advice in a respectful manner that hopefully the OP can take into account...just as I hope he'll take my advice into account as well.

[RobD70]

Kidd, your situation is very close to how mine went down the FIRST time we reconciled (out of 3 total). I see some red flags that you should keep in mind.

 

One, I didn’t tell the OM’s BW and regret that to this day (it’s been over 3 years since DDay for me). In my case my WW moved in with the OM and his BW never knew about it. Even though they eventually D he ended up going back to her when my WW came back to R. She probably to this day doesn’t realize he was living with another woman all that time they were separated.

 

Two, your WW still having some feelings for the OM is bad, bad, bad. The WW has to either hate to be indifferent towards the AP or else down the road they will start idealizing the A and break NC to see what’s going on with them. My WW also had a working relationship with her OM and even though she was basically NC with him for almost 6 months, when he out of the blue invited her out to drinks to “talk” she moved out again that day when I confronted her on it.

 

Had I filed for a divorce when I first found out about the affair even though it was an EA at the time I honestly believed I would had prevent it from turning into a PA and only had one R instead of 2 false R and one real R a year and a half later. Being the nice guy caused me a year of misery and taught me some hard lessons about how to handle cheaters. I didn’t think my W was capable of cheating and we were the exceptions to the rule. I found out thinking you are the exception is a part of the rules.

[What_Next]

I agree that being completely heavy handed is NOT the right approach, but I still feel as though his wife needs to be told. She deserves it.

 

Just my slice.

[Mr.Harris]

OP, I understand why you gave her 90 days to find another job/position. It takes a bigger man to consider her feelings in all of this. Most of the time our reaction is based on our pain and we jump the gun on some things (cut our noses off to spite our face). At the end of the day, she's still your wife, and despite what she's done to hurt you and damage your M, I give you a lot of credit for showing her respect re: her career.

 

That's so warped. This woman has been destructive and irresponsible personally and professionally. Her feelings right now should not be considered since she doesn't even care for her husband's feelings by obviously being unfaithful. Accepting someone back so casually after discovering they've been recently cheating on you is not being a man, that's being foolish.

 

To the people saying that there are no consequences, I disagree. It's not like she's walking away scott free. Simply because OP is not taking the steps you think appropriate in the time span you feel necessary does not mean that this isn't a reasonable road to reconciliation.

 

She is walking away freely without consequences, because every day she's going back to the place and to the person she's been destroying her marriage with for the next couple of weeks. Her continued behavior shows she does not care about anyone but herself, and he should not have to put up with that simply because she's a woman.

 

I think you're wise to hold that card of waiting to tell the OM's W. I'm sure it's motivating OM to help your W make the necessary transfer, and ultimately THAT is what is healthiest for your M.

 

Again this is messed up thinking. Those two are affair partners and the affair is still going on. The OM is not some sincere person who all of a sudden cares about this BH's marriage, and vice versa. If she honestly wanted the affair to stop she would be at home. The OM's wife deserves to know that her marriage has been a lie. Those two in a working environment is nothing near healthy.

[Mr.Harris]

No, the post got deleted because it was insulting and personally attacking in nature...and it violated the TOS as a result.

 

No it was not.

 

Here's the thing...you're posting a "dissenting opinion" now.

 

And I don't have a problem with that.

 

I don't agree with your opinion...but...you're presenting it without attacking the OP, his wife, or any other poster on this forum.

There's no such thing as "attacking" someone on the computer. Sorry if you believe it to be so. The only reason you're calling his post insulting and degrading is because you don't agree with the truth he posted.

 

You're simply pointing out your opinion, and why you believe it's the course of action that the OP should take, without trying to insult, attack, or otherwise violate the TOS.

 

I have no issues whatsoever with what you've posted. It's the internet...dissenting opinions are expected.

 

Personal attacks and insults are a violation of TOS.

Again if you honestly want to get offended over what some unknown man or woman said to you, then that's just you. But if you say varied opinions are expected, then there's no reason for you to even mention "attacking" and "TOS" and other things of that nature.

 

Big difference.

The only big difference here is the folks encouraging this man to easily accept his wife who is cheating on him.

 

Thanks for caring enough to post your opinion and advice in a respectful manner that hopefully the OP can take into account...just as I hope he'll take my advice into account as well.

Honestly I never asked for your approval so......

[John Michael Kane]

That's so warped. This woman has been destructive and irresponsible personally and professionally. Her feelings right now should not be considered since she doesn't even care for her husband's feelings by obviously being unfaithful. Accepting someone back so casually after discovering they've been recently cheating on you is not being a man, that's being foolish.

 

 

 

She is walking away freely without consequences, because every day she's going back to the place and to the person she's been destroying her marriage with for the next couple of weeks. Her continued behavior shows she does not care about anyone but herself, and he should not have to put up with that simply because she's a woman.

 

 

 

Again this is messed up thinking. Those two are affair partners and the affair is still going on. The OM is not some sincere person who all of a sudden cares about this BH's marriage, and vice versa. If she honestly wanted the affair to stop she would be at home. The OM's wife deserves to know that her marriage has been a lie. Those two in a working environment is nothing near healthy.

 

Good post Mr.Harris. He's in shock right now and is most likely acting on his feelings. He'll learn.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm not sure that I'm trying to force my wife to suffer additional consequences. There has been no free pass for her in this situation other than the 13 months of selfishness that she's now going to pay for probably indefinitely. I've personally witnessed her misery over it for the last 6 weeks and she knows it's not going to end anytime soon. She and the OM are actively trying to find other jobs. I get regular updates as recently as tonight when I reinforced that I was not willing to remain in a marriage where she continues to work with him. I gave her a deadline. She knew that today marked 45 days. I'm not trying to make her miserable. She already is. And I'm not trying to ruin a lifelong career but that's probably going to happen anyway. I understand if reconciliation didn't work for you but it may be possible for us. You can rant about my lack of manhood if you want but I am focused on making decisions of which I am proud. Giving this marriage one more chance is not impossible. It's ridiculously hard. And maybe it won't work. Maybe you're right. I won't know if I don't give it a shot. I agreed to 90 days as a more-than-reasonable attempt to let her maintain a career. She'll do it or she won't. If not, I'll be gone and I'll have wasted 17 years plus 90 days.

 

Kidd,

 

I applaud you and the steps you've taken to fix this.

 

My suggestion to you is this. Sit down with your marriage counselor without your wife present and ask him/her to explain the overall counseling plan. Focusing on you and what makes you suck is fine and dandy... but at some point the hammer needs to come down on your cheating wife. If the MC seems to think she gets a free pass on this you need to know now, and I would recommend you be as politely aggressive as possible in forcing the MC to understand what you need!

[rafallus]

If not, I'll be gone and I'll have wasted 17 years plus 90 days.

 

If you learn something from it, it won't be a wasted time.

[Owl]

Honestly I never asked for your approval so......

 

Good thing. Looks like we'll agree to disagree then.

[Kidd]

I appreciate all of the posts, positive and negative. I said some very blunt things to her last night that were honest reflections of what have been said here that I also felt. It was honest but left her a wreck. She knows I have nothing to go on but her word which she has managed to make worthless. Gonna be a long 45 days.

[Owl]

Kidd, one thing you need to balance out here.

 

Can your marriage survive without her income from her current job?

 

Can your marriage survive another 45 days of her working with OM?

 

From my perspective...if you can make it without her income...it's far, far better to have her leave her job now rather than to put yourself through the stress of tolerating this for another 45 days.

 

ANY contact with OM will do nothing but continue to erode any effort put into trying to rebuild trust and reconcile your marriage. There's no way that you're going to be able to make any real headway until after that contact is completely severed.

 

Given that...I think you should sit down with your wife, tell her that point blank...and figure out what your next steps are from there.

 

And...while you're discussing these things with her, explain to her that having been through the pain of what she's done, you feel that remaining silent and not telling OM's W is unacceptable. Tell her that there's just no way that you can see this as the right thing to do...for her, for any of you involved in this situation.

 

Then call his wife, and give her the chance to know the truth and make her own decisions in her marriage.

[Mr.Harris]

Kidd, one thing you need to balance out here.

 

Can your marriage survive without her income from her current job?

 

Are you kidding me? Are you serious? What!?

 

Can your marriage survive another 45 days of her working with OM?

 

From my perspective...if you can make it without her income...it's far, far better to have her leave her job now rather than to put yourself through the stress of tolerating this for another 45 days.

 

Wow man you're actually equating a few bucks to a marriage that has already been destroyed.

 

Given that...I think you should sit down with your wife, tell her that point blank...and figure out what your next steps are from there.

 

And...while you're discussing these things with her, explain to her that having been through the pain of what she's done, you feel that remaining silent and not telling OM's W is unacceptable. Tell her that there's just no way that you can see this as the right thing to do...for her, for any of you involved in this situation.

 

Then call his wife, and give her the chance to know the truth and make her own decisions in her marriage.

 

He doesn't have to sit down and be a nice, good boy to his continually unfaithful wife and politely and gently ask her to stop disrespecting him, as if he's asking his own mother can he go play outside.

 

Call his wife and tell her everything that you know, right now.

[Owl]

Are you kidding me? Are you serious? What!?

 

Wow man you're actually equating a few bucks to a marriage that has already been destroyed.

 

 

He doesn't have to sit down and be a nice, good boy to his continually unfaithful wife and politely and gently ask her to stop disrespecting him, as if he's asking his own mother can he go play outside.

 

Call his wife and tell her everything that you know, right now.

 

I don't recall asking for your approval, so...

[Mr.Harris]

I don't recall asking for your approval, so...

 

Ah yea nice to use my own words dude. Still doesn't change the facts.

[dale_gribble]

" I just don't care about him or his marriage. I have my own problems."- I totally agree with you on this. It actually makes me a bit uneasy that she's still rooting for him though.

[drifter777]

Kidd, one thing you need to balance out here.

 

Can your marriage survive without her income from her current job?

 

Can your marriage survive another 45 days of her working with OM?

 

From my perspective...if you can make it without her income...it's far, far better to have her leave her job now rather than to put yourself through the stress of tolerating this for another 45 days.

 

ANY contact with OM will do nothing but continue to erode any effort put into trying to rebuild trust and reconcile your marriage. There's no way that you're going to be able to make any real headway until after that contact is completely severed.

 

Given that...I think you should sit down with your wife, tell her that point blank...and figure out what your next steps are from there.

 

And...while you're discussing these things with her, explain to her that having been through the pain of what she's done, you feel that remaining silent and not telling OM's W is unacceptable. Tell her that there's just no way that you can see this as the right thing to do...for her, for any of you involved in this situation.

 

Then call his wife, and give her the chance to know the truth and make her own decisions in her marriage.

 

Kidd - I agree with most of this post although I think owl is being too gentle with you. You need to snap out of your funk and start thinking about your own recovery from this nightmare. You say you are committed to trying reconciliation, and I respect that. However, you simply have to put your foot down regarding contact with the OM. She needs to quit her job right freakin' now. Period. Pick up the phone and call the OM's wife right freakin' now. Work with your marriage counselor to set the rules for your reconciliation and make sure they reflect the things you need to begin to recover from this trauma. Your marriage really is secondary to you finding a way to get over the hurt, shame, and betrayal that she has caused.

 

The things you are doing now seem half-hearted and your wife has probably already picked up on your weakness and fear of losing your marriage. What you must understand is your relationship has been killed by your wife's actions and any reconciliation will begin with a new one that has to include new ground-rules to have any hope of success. Reconciliation is harder than anything you have ever done and I would not advise you even try if it wasn't for your kids. Your kids need a father who is confident and happy and able to provide them with the emotional security they need. That will be difficult for you to provide if you harbor anger and resentment for their mother. So, if your wife is not willing to do the things required to rebuild your relationship then you need to divorce her and start a new life for everyone's sake.

[reboot]

I have to agree with Owl and drifter. Any continued contact with the other person is a deal breaker. I commend you on wanting to save your marriage, but it's going to be one step forward and three steps back as long as any contact is maintained.

 

I also agree OM's wife needs to be told. Affairs are like mushrooms, they hate sunlight.

[Kidd]

A clarification that probably won't matter to anyone...

 

On dday my wife did ask me to let the other man work on his own marriage. Later when I gave her my terms about a day later, she modified the request to ask as a courtesy that I let her know if I had to tell his wife so that he would have a chance to do it himself. I told her I had no need to discuss it with her and was focused on us. Short-sighted, I know, especially when I had initially really only related to the OM's wife and wanted her to know. Wife and I haven't discussed this subject since. I definitely wrestle with it daily but truly just don't want to play my only trump card with him now. Mid I believe my wife (a big if), he is trying to find her another role and is looking outside the company for himself. He knows I can out his wife and company. If I play the card now (which feels like reacting with my emotions rather than my brain) then that card is gone. If the fix this by moving on, I don't care about the OMs wife enough to expose. But if they don't, it's coming out. Seems the smart way to play it. Either way, I don't need my wife's permission. I would just do it and tell her later. In regards to the job, I laid it on thick last night. I might have broken her in more ways than one. I want to see the fallout in the next day or two. I still feel that if I go the 45 days, I'll have no question what to do.

[nyrias]

Wow man you're actually equating a few bucks to a marriage that has already been destroyed.

 

And you are equating a 90 days (45 days left) ultimatum to no consequences?

 

Surely it is not the same as asking her to quit NOW but you are seriously suggesting that asking her to quit/transfer job in 90 days is the same as doing nothing?

[reboot]

The fact that you have a plan and are sticking to it is excellent. Most of us muddle around in our misery without doing anything constructive for far too long.

[Mr.Harris]

And you are equating a 90 days (45 days left) ultimatum to no consequences?

 

Surely it is not the same as asking her to quit NOW but you are seriously suggesting that asking her to quit/transfer job in 90 days is the same as doing nothing?

 

The bottom line is that all contact between those two need to stop. She lost her right to negotiate when she mixed pleasure with her job. Irresponsible. But then again it doesn't really matter because she'll never change anyway. At least her mindset won't.

[Mr.Harris]

I think your marriage is finished no matter what you do.

 

I agree. It's just that he needs to get his head in the game and stop taking the continued disrespect his wife is dishing out to him.