Next steps?

[Tech_E]

It was a joke. You said you like my posts cause they make you laugh. I was just trying to kid around and make you laugh with a funny joke.

 

I find no humour in you openly mocking pain in a marriage, as you seem to like to on a regular basis.

 

 

My my. No sense of humor anymore? Where are all your bunny rabbits now you whiny little b*tch?

 

Interesting, you feel as though you can call anyone whatever you like while violating the rules?

 

This post has been reported to the moderators.

[Tech_E]

Mz. Pixie I applaud your efforts but it is obvious that this poster feels as though he is above reproach and sees fit to call people liars, losers, and a mix of other slanderous names. He seems to find joy and humour in discecting the pain and suffering of people in distress and I find it absolutely disgusting. He is free to do so but I will not stand by and allow him to do so without commenting on it. Sentence by sentence by sentence notwithstanding.

 

Kidd has already been in communication with those of us that are willing to actually help him in private, and that is precisely where the conversation will stay as long as nonsense like this is allowed to continue.

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree Tech- it is disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I have been nothing but helpful to people here for years and years but yet he fails to see that.

[Kidd]

Oh well. Just to point out...

 

RepairMinded, my biggest problem with you and your "logical" assumptions, accusations, and insults is that you are simply wrong.

 

You have thrice quite foolishly (and humorously) accused me of using an alt. I have no alts. I would know. Perhaps I am just in denial about my alts? Or perhaps I am now a liar, too.

 

I have had conversations via PM with Mz. Pixie at my request. Guess she wasn't lying after all.

 

These are but two examples. Otherwise, you are just fundamentally wrong and as I have indicated before, you lack wisdom.

 

If logic indicates anything, it is that reading of anonymous cheaters and liars on an internet forum and research of "other" literature is inadequate to authoritatively apply those learned stereotypes to complex human behavior. Yet you go a step further with insulting name-calling (endearing terms like, cuckold). I know...you were helping. Long story short, Mr Spock you ain't.

 

Not that I would value relationship advice from Mr Spock anyway.

[Kidd]

For those that would like an update...

 

This won't be comprehensive but a short version.

 

This has been a challenging month as I knew it would be. My W and I drove to see my family in early July. We drove with the kids in tow, two days travel to and from. It was challenging being in the car for those four days without being able to discuss things. As well, it was a challenge for my W to face so many of my family members that knew and she had a terrible cold which precluded a lot of the affection and intimacy that we both wanted. We had two tough arguments on that trip, made good with one another and then discussed in MC.

 

We did the beach weekend with about 15 ppl altogether and had a good time together (and with the group) and again had two altercations, one of them fueled a lot by alcohol on both sides. Again, we discussed it together, made good with one another, and then discussed in MC.

 

Then I went out of town for a week on business. I felt good when I left and was somewhat miserable while I was there. With the stress that we both suffer, I was nervous about a resumption of the A in my absence. Suffice it to say that my W jumped on the opportunity to be more transparent with her time and I'm able to say in hindsight that the paranoia was just that and to top it off. My W and I had a deep conversation discussing the xOM, the withdrawl she experienced, and how brief it was because the fantasy had simply been shattered.

 

Then this week we are on a beach vacation, just my W and I and the kids. We've had two nice days here without drama and have 6 more to go. This is serious repair time for us. I knew if we survived this month, that we can survive anything. We had another wonderful talk tonight, both of us reaffirming for one another our commitment and confidence about getting where we need to be.

 

We know we're not there yet. She just ended a year-long relationship with another man and I have to get to a point where respect and trust is re-earned. The fact that we both get that and are prepared to have the patience with one another to accomplish it makes it worth the journey. It's going to be harder than I expected. I have profound sadness for what we have become, the distance I never knew about. I don't need much in life; I needed one person to care enough to always be there and protect me. That was betrayed. And by definition I am a cuckold...a man married to an unfaithful wife. Difficult thing to accept. But ultimately what I am accepting is that it is in the past and that I now have a choice to give her a second chance at that position or to move on. I chose to give her, my kids, and myself a second chance at a life together. I have pride in that. It is not weakness to show mercy and to forgive. It is a strength. And my strength will be what carries us forward and makes R possible.

 

Is it still early? Sure. I've suffered the worst 4 months of my life. But to those that care, my resolve is not shaken, and my W and I both continue to move toward one another. The skeptics can be skeptical. It ain't up to them. This is my life. I get that you can't ignore the statistical data. You gotta be smart. But ultimately, reconciliation is not about what you read in books or on LS; it is about the two people involved and no one else. I am proud of my decisions, myself, and quite frankly, my wife. We will make it thru this successfully and as far as I am concerned, we're well ahead of the curve. I know the risks, have taken precautions, and I am prepared to move on with life no matter what happens.

 

As for RM, I will no longer attempt to "ignore" him. It's like trying not to watch a trainwreck. But I might as well be ignoring him because his advice is simplistic, amateurish, and lacks depth. Real life and real people are complex and I know my situation better than he, regardless of how much I was fooled before. I consider his continued posting on this thread to be harrassment of myself and others that are known to be in a temporarily weakened state but I certainly understand that he can and will do whatever he wants on a public internet forum. Even when it is the wrong thing to do. For you others that can be adults, hit me up anytime.

[reboot]

But ultimately, reconciliation is not about what you read in books or on LS; it is about the two people involved and no one else.

 

Brilliant. Keep up the good fight Kidd.

[heartinlove]

Thanks for the update Kidd. You sound very level headed in how you are approaching this. Your wife is very lucky to have you.

[silktricks]

So glad you're back, Kidd. It looks like our last hydra head got chopped, so we may have a reprieve for a few hours at least.... Glad you had a good weekend. Maybe the next time you have to take a business trip your wife can come along....

[Tech_E]

silktricks I think you may be right, well I pray you might be right...

 

Kidd; siktricks brings up a great point. A few months ago I had to go out of town on business and I arranged it so that my wife could come along. It was a GREAT time and we really re-connected.

[Kidd]

Thanks for the update Kidd. You sound very level headed in how you are approaching this. Your wife is very lucky to have you.

 

I took a few mins to read the beginning and end of your thread. Sorry to see that we're probably hoping for opposite outcomes in our situations. I appreciate that you have been supportive while probably quietly rooting for the OM in my case. From what I've read, it's pretty rare for a WH and OW to make it long term, and that's if you manage to get out of limbo. The WH just can't admit that he has so many needs met by the BW (and then you add guilt, children, and so forth). In my case, I think my W realized quickly after Dday that the OM fantasy was in fact no real replacement for what she had at home that just needed some repair. Of course, now it needs serious repair.

 

I hope you find some peace in your situation.

[Kidd]

So glad you're back, Kidd. It looks like our last hydra head got chopped, so we may have a reprieve for a few hours at least.... Glad you had a good weekend. Maybe the next time you have to take a business trip your wife can come along....

 

It's certainly something to consider. I wrestle with how far I need to go but this last trip had me seriously considering it for next time. I think I'll know better by the time the next trip comes around. In reality, I have less fear about this affair continuing but wonder about the propensity for this behavior in the future. I suspect it is easier to get started again the second time around. My plan is for us to meet each other's needs so neither of us ever consider a need to look outside the marriage. Recognize that doesn't always work so transparency will have to remain longer than I like. At least she doesn't object.

[Kidd]

And RM will be back in one form or another. I think a few days to process things has me in a much better position to handle him from here on out. He's extraordinarily good at taking advantage/manipulating someone in a vulnerable position but I'm less vulnerable day by day. The shock is wearing off and my rough week out of town has ended.

 

I'm focused on just getting my W and I comfortable around each other again and otherwise keeping my head in the game, knowing how quickly and easily these things can go south.

 

In any event, I've rediscovered the strength I've had in other disastrous situations in my life. Albeit in different situations, I've rebuilt my life twice before. This is the third. I enjoyed the 17 year hiatus from that. I can rebuild with or without her. For the sake of all four of us in our family, I hope it is with her.

[silktricks]

It's certainly something to consider. I wrestle with how far I need to go but this last trip had me seriously considering it for next time. I think I'll know better by the time the next trip comes around. In reality, I have less fear about this affair continuing but wonder about the propensity for this behavior in the future. I suspect it is easier to get started again the second time around. My plan is for us to meet each other's needs so neither of us ever consider a need to look outside the marriage. Recognize that doesn't always work so transparency will have to remain longer than I like. At least she doesn't object.

 

IMO, if you two do the real work of fixing the problems - and your wife does the really difficult work of resolving the issues inside of herself - there is less likelihood of problems in the future.

 

If she truly takes in the extent of the damage she caused (and if she is at heart a good person, which I believe she is), then she won't ever want to be the cause of such pain again.

 

But, regardless, what's the big deal with transparency? I didn't cheat on my hubby, but I have complete transparency to him. He has the logon to my email accounts, and I to his. He doesn't have my work email account as that would be against company policy, but if he ever asks (and he has in the past) I will logon and let him read whatever he needs so that he can feel completely safe.

 

I'm a bit of a privacy nut in some ways - but with my husband? No. That just feels wrong. We married so that it could be "us". If I have issue with him reading or knowing something that is going on with me, than there are problems in our lives.

[heartinlove]

I appreciate that you have been supportive while probably quietly rooting for the OM in my case.

 

HI Kidd. Not at all, not even the slightest bit. I am rooting for you and your wife to make it work and I really appreciate your approach. I am hoping that your wife never contacts OM again.

 

Just because I am the OW in my situation doesn't mean Im going to root for the OM.

 

I am rooting for where there is real love. Everything you describe about you and your wife is that there is real love and she got off track with her OM. It never appeared to me that you're wife and OM thought of any future together or believed what they had was true love. It appears from what you have written that true love is what your wife has with you. That is why I am rooting for your marriage. I also admire your ability to understand that people can be forgiven, can be remorseful, and that marriages can heal.

 

My situation is different in that my MM is really in love with me and sees a future with me and thats why its been so difficult for him. I have always said to him that if he felt he could heal his marriage he should end it with me and heal the marriage. If he chose that, I would not have further contact with him. He doesn't believe thats possible, and therein lies the difference.

 

That is partially why I wanted to comment on your thread. It just seems so clear to me that your wife truly is remorseful and sees her life and her future with you. She made a mistake. People do that at times. And now she recognizes it and is doing the work to repair the marriage, and you are giving her a real chance. That I find really remarkable.

 

So again, I am truly rooting for you and your wife to make it, and to one day have an even stronger marriage than before the affair. And thanks for wishing me peace. I wish the same for you.

[heartinlove]

Just wanted to add one more thought. Part of why i believe your wife is sincere is that awhile back you posted that you said to her she could have an amicable split if she wanted and it would be peaceful in relation to the kids as well. Cant remember exact wording. She responded that she was clear she wanted to be with you and to heal the marriage.

 

I believe when you give people a choice a real choice, meaning telling them you're not going to punish them or hurt if they tell you what they really want, then they are going to tell you the truth. I believe that is true of most good hearted people which it sounds like your wife is. When you asked her in that manner the answer was she clearly chose you.

 

That is why I believe what she is saying is real.

[Kidd]

HIL,

 

Two very thoughtful posts. Thanks for the support.

 

In particular, I appreciate the reminder of why I believe what my wife tells me. It is hard to decide if the woman to whom I am married is the one I knew for the first 16 years or the one I discovered I was married to for the last year. And the answer is...yes. She is both. Forgive me, I'm joking and doing a poor job of it.

 

Seriously though...there are about a million reasons like the one you listed where she could have chosen to hide something that I never would have known, where she could have made up a much easier answer than the truth, or where she could have left freely and didn't.

 

It may not last but for now, it's real. Thanks for reminding me.

[Mz. Pixie]

What is that sound??? Is that the sound of one of the hydra missing??????? It's blissfully quiet in this thread today. Wonder how that could have happened?????;)

 

Kidd-what your wife had with OM was nothing but a fantasy-a fantasy that would never stand the test of time that a marriage does under bills, and kids and schedules, and household chores and such. That is the difference. What you have with her will stand the test of time. I truly believe that.

[GorillaTheater]

You're all a bunch of cuckholds. And doormats. And stuff.

 

Oops. Wrong browser.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hilarious!!!!!!!

[Kidd]

God forbid anyone want to read my thread and hope to understand. Half the dialogue is missing.

 

Ok...new (sort of) question.

 

How do I get past (or otherwise deal with) the anger/bitterness/resentment that is setting in? Tonight I was woken from my brief sleep experience to a whole new mental movie.

 

My W will do just about anything I require and wants to know what more she can do. I would like to go back in time and have her obey one of the stop signs that popped up during her 30 or so sexual exploits with this man over the course of that year. That isn't going to happen. I've also discarded the notion of a "revenge" affair. I have no interest in hurting her and while I would enjoy having my own fantasy fulfillment, I don't want the long term implications that woiuld bring. I'm not into the lying or a whole new set of damages to my fragile marriage. I see three options:

 

(1). Divorce

(2). Stay miserable

(3). I have no freaking idea.

 

For those that don't know me, I don't need additional encouragement on option 1. It has been presented before as the only logical choice. If that's the only choice you see, don't bother posting. I know it's a choice. It may happen. I want to know what else can be done.

[Bittersweetie]

Kidd,

 

I think you need to take it one day at a time at this stage. My H and I are almost two years from d-day and he continues to feel anger and resentment. And this is with me, like your wife, remorseful, doing everything asked. Your d-day is fairly recent. My H says at first, he had no good days. Then, most days were bad, and a few were good. Then they slowly moved the other way, and now, most days are good, but he still has bad days. Are you in IC? I know some people aren't into that, my H wasn't really, but found someone he liked he does go periodically. He said it really helped deal with and talk through specific aspects that he was having difficulty with. Maybe that would be a benefit for you, and a place to release thoughts.

 

Hope this helps,

B

[Kidd]

Thanks B. Will try to keep focusing on one day at a time.

 

Yes, I have an IC. Been a rough month though because I've either been out of town and somewhat trapped with the W and kids (and usually other family members) and the one other week I was out of town on business. Barely any IC or MC this month. And I'm not sure that there's much more for my W to say or do. Time is moving slowly and I grow weary of being miserable. I deserve better.

[Kidd]

B, if you don't mind sharing, was yours a long-term affair? Was there anything that was particularly helpful to your H?

[reboot]

Kidd, I think I've said this, probably more than once, but you have to give it time.

 

I can confirm Bittersweetie's post. At first my days were almost all bad, but as time passed, I had more and more good days. It took about 3 years, but finally the bad days became quite rare (not gone entirely mind you, but rare). I even developed the ability to beat back the "movies" before they could get started good. It's a process, a long process.

 

I'll answer the question you asked of Bittersweetie, in case you want to know the same from me. It was a fairly long term EA, very brief PA. Not sure what difference that makes though.

[Kidd]

Kidd, I think I've said this, probably more than once, but you have to give it time.

 

I can confirm Bittersweetie's post. At first my days were almost all bad, but as time passed, I had more and more good days. It took about 3 years, but finally the bad days became quite rare (not gone entirely mind you, but rare). I even developed the ability to beat back the "movies" before they could get started good. It's a process, a long process.

 

I'll answer the question you asked of Bittersweetie, in case you want to know the same from me. It was a fairly long term EA, very brief PA. Not sure what difference that makes though.

 

Hmm. Yep. This is now what I've signed up for.

 

Really beginning to appreciate your straight-forward replies, Reboot.

 

I am becoming frustrated that my W is able to have days where she is at peace and I'm still going at this somewhat non-stop. Finding myself avoiding outward triggers and getting resentful that I must continue to be the one to bear the burden of all this. One of the cruel realities for a BS that wants to reconcile, I suppose. The WS will always recover more quickly. For her, I think, she dealt with the guilt a lot during the year of the A and exposure and recommitment is what is putting it to an end. For me, it's just the beginning.