Next steps?

[reboot]

Yep. She's mostly dealt with it all already. She doesn't have questions that need to be answered, she was there and knows everything already. The WS doesn't typically have the "movies" (and if they do they're probably not all that unpleasant... yuk). The truth of the matter is, she'd just really like to forget it all ever happened and move forward. That's not mean or cruel or spiteful (necessarily) on her part, it's just the way it typically is, but it's option you don't really have.

 

The WS you have a chance to reconcile with is one that understands this difference.

[PatFinkle]

"Dealt with it all already"?????

 

She caused it.

 

They are not in the same place at all. There is nothing for her to "deal with" because she wasn't victimized.

 

--Pat F

[reboot]

Thanks for clearing all that up.

[reboot]

Just out of curiosity, is English not your first language?

[Tech_E]

Kidd I wish I had a warm and fuzzy post for you, but I don't. In my opinion your only friend is time right now. Do the IC/MC thing if you must, but honestly I think it is all a load of ____. Just time.

 

I am almost 1 year out from my own d-day and I can say yes it does get easier with time. However, some days it is so bad that I want to scream, or just flip out at my wife. Now what makes things worse is I had a revenge affair. Right out in the open. So not only am I experiencing mental torture, but so is my wife.

 

Honestly, I just keep my mind busy with work and hobbies etc, so that if painful memories occur I can distract myself. Sometimes though it doesn't work and I just have to bear them. As my wife must.

 

There is no easy answer, you can read self help books (meh not for me), do the counciling thing (again not for me), drink (works for me... sometimes), or any other number of ways. What I've found is to just try and be in the moment and take it one day at a time.

 

Good luck with the process Kidd.

 

Wow, it's amazing how refreshing it is without the hydra descending on every post.....

[nyrias]

There is no need for you to be sarcastic, "reboot."

 

Your acting as if just because he needs to deal with his wife's affair, so does she. What is it exactly that she has to "deal" with?

 

--Pat F

 

Guilt? Not an uncommon emotion, i may add.

[Kidd]

Welcome to newbie, Pat Finkle with the interestingly unique posting style.

 

So Pat, what are your suggestions on how to move forward with reconciling?

[PatFinkle]

Don't do what you think you "should" do.

 

Listen to what your heart is telling you.

 

--Pat F

[silktricks]

Hmm. Yep. This is now what I've signed up for.

 

Really beginning to appreciate your straight-forward replies, Reboot.

 

I am becoming frustrated that my W is able to have days where she is at peace and I'm still going at this somewhat non-stop. Finding myself avoiding outward triggers and getting resentful that I must continue to be the one to bear the burden of all this. One of the cruel realities for a BS that wants to reconcile, I suppose. The WS will always recover more quickly. For her, I think, she dealt with the guilt a lot during the year of the A and exposure and recommitment is what is putting it to an end. For me, it's just the beginning.

 

It takes time, my friend. You're only a couple of months out.

 

Your wife wants it all to go away. She wants you to recover as quickly as possible so that she no longer has to think about what she did. I used to get so angry at my husband when I'd ask him what he was thinking about and he'd respond with some mundane nothing, when all I'd be able to think about was the huge elephant sitting on my head. Yet, I know that when I've done something that has upset him my attitude is the same - I want it to go away. I'm not saying that the acts are in any way comparable, but the reactions are.

 

Unfortunately, the BS does bear the brunt in recovery, because we are the ones who best understand what we need to be able to recover. The WS is certain that it's all over (without actually doing the hard work to make sure that it really is, of course ). The BS requires a great deal of assurance not only that this particular affair is over, but also that nothing like this will EVER occur again - because if there is any possibility that it will, you're wasting valuable time that you'll never get back. Of course, there ARE no guarantees, and it could occur again - but same-o same-o... if you move on with someone else there are no guarantees there, either.

 

It's a day at a time. Sometimes the days are good and sometimes bad, but gradually, the good overtake the bad, until pretty soon you don't really remember what a bad day was like.

[Kidd]

Kidd I wish I had a warm and fuzzy post for you, but I don't. In my opinion your only friend is time right now. Do the IC/MC thing if you must, but honestly I think it is all a load of ____. Just time.

 

I am almost 1 year out from my own d-day and I can say yes it does get easier with time. However, some days it is so bad that I want to scream, or just flip out at my wife. Now what makes things worse is I had a revenge affair. Right out in the open. So not only am I experiencing mental torture, but so is my wife.

 

Honestly, I just keep my mind busy with work and hobbies etc, so that if painful memories occur I can distract myself. Sometimes though it doesn't work and I just have to bear them. As my wife must.

 

There is no easy answer, you can read self help books (meh not for me), do the counciling thing (again not for me), drink (works for me... sometimes), or any other number of ways. What I've found is to just try and be in the moment and take it one day at a time.

 

Good luck with the process Kidd.

 

Wow, it's amazing how refreshing it is without the hydra descending on every post.....

 

Always appreciate your responses. You should know that you stopped me from having a revenge affair. Your presence on LS has made a difference for someone. I wish you two could call it even. I suppose it's not that simple.

[Kidd]

Don't do what you think you "should" do.

 

Listen to what your heart is telling you.

 

--Pat F

 

Now that was something. My heart tells me that I love her and that she loves me and that we will make it thru this. It's my mind that tells me to worry.

[Kidd]

It takes time, my friend. You're only a couple of months out.

 

Your wife wants it all to go away. She wants you to recover as quickly as possible so that she no longer has to think about what she did. I used to get so angry at my husband when I'd ask him what he was thinking about and he'd respond with some mundane nothing, when all I'd be able to think about was the huge elephant sitting on my head. Yet, I know that when I've done something that has upset him my attitude is the same - I want it to go away. I'm not saying that the acts are in any way comparable, but the reactions are.

 

Unfortunately, the BS does bear the brunt in recovery, because we are the ones who best understand what we need to be able to recover. The WS is certain that it's all over (without actually doing the hard work to make sure that it really is, of course ). The BS requires a great deal of assurance not only that this particular affair is over, but also that nothing like this will EVER occur again - because if there is any possibility that it will, you're wasting valuable time that you'll never get back. Of course, there ARE no guarantees, and it could occur again - but same-o same-o... if you move on with someone else there are no guarantees there, either.

 

It's a day at a time. Sometimes the days are good and sometimes bad, but gradually, the good overtake the bad, until pretty soon you don't really remember what a bad day was like.

 

Inspiring at just the right time.

[Bittersweetie]

B, if you don't mind sharing, was yours a long-term affair? Was there anything that was particularly helpful to your H?

 

No, not long term. About 2 months EA, then 6 months NC, then 4 months EA and briefly PA. My H and I weren't living together at the time because of my schooling and his work being in different parts of the country.

 

What are you looking for in terms of things that were helpful? Things I did? Things he did?

[drifter777]

Sometimes the days are good and sometimes bad, but gradually, the good overtake the bad, until pretty soon you don't really remember what a bad day was like.

 

Really? What kind of drugs do you have to take so that you can't remember what a bad day is like?

 

Kidd: Unless you somehow have your brain erased, you will never forget this incident. It will be a painful memory forever, but it should fade over time and it doesn't have to define who you are. You still have a lot of work to do and you know that.

 

Here's something to think about: What does recovery look like to you? I'll help you - here's what it looks like to me:

 

1) It's no longer the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed.

 

2) The porn movies in my head diminish and the anger and shame start to go with them.

 

3) Most of the time I am able to look at my wife and NOT just see a cheater.

 

I'm sure you have your own list and I'd like to see it. It may even help you to focus on what you are trying to accomplish.

[Kidd]

No, not long term. About 2 months EA, then 6 months NC, then 4 months EA and briefly PA. My H and I weren't living together at the time because of my schooling and his work being in different parts of the country.

 

What are you looking for in terms of things that were helpful? Things I did? Things he did?

 

Yes. What did you that you would say helped him? What did he do that helped you?

 

Did he hide his outward triggers? Or did you discuss it everytime? Did you initiate conversations? What worked? What definitely did not work?

 

I seem to hide my angst until I suffer one more intolerable time that she spends too much time on her Blackberry or just plain being chipper and I seem to need attention to my drama. She "fails" to anticipate my needs, I feel slighted, I get visibly irritated, she tries to compensate for her failure, I feel bad, we are set-back (albeit less than previous), repeat.

 

I need her to anticipate when I'm going to get frustrated and she's not a mind-reader.

 

I am trying to control myself but want her to take ownership of preventing me from being upset in the first place.

 

Some of both, I suppose. We're trying.

[Bittersweetie]

Things I did that helped him, I was transparent. He had access to all my email, FB, laptop. I texted him often during the day. At first this was a requirement, but after a short time I didn't mind doing it because it helped him feel better. I answered his questions and was in IC and discussed with him the things I talked about.

 

He did not hide his triggers. Whenever he triggered, I asked him what he needed from me. If he was sad, I would hold his hand. If he was angry, I would give him space. I always made sure to ask what he wanted, what would help him at that moment. I don't think it's good to hide the triggers and angst, because on your side, it's eating away the inside of you. And from my side, I needed to see the hurt I caused. There was no "moving on" or "sweeping under the rug" because I could see the hurt I caused my H. Those were just one set of consequences.

 

Nobody is a mind reader. I remember thinking, years ago, why doesn't he see this? Or do that? Well, I never asked. And there were situations where he thought the same thing, I should have known that was why he did this or that. So now, we don't mind read. If one of needs something, we say so. Or if something is bothering us, we say so. Sometimes saying those things hurts but I feel that is better than stuffing thoughts inside, letting them fester, and then using them as a justification for making a horrible choice (like I did).

 

We also have a somewhat scheduled talk time once a week, a time to bring up serious stuff. For the first year, it was mostly about my A and the aftermath. We still have our talks, but they tend to revolve more around any serious topic or issue that's been on one or both of our minds. I find it's a good thing to have as I know he will listen when I bring it up then as it is our serious talk time, and likewise. But we do talk about things outside of that time, and if it gets too heavy or whatever, we might say, "Let's come back to this during the talk time."

 

Finally, things he did to help me...he was there. I was just grateful that he was still there with me.

 

Hope this helps,

B

[reboot]

 

1) It's no longer the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed.

 

2) The porn movies in my head diminish and the anger and shame start to go with them.

 

3) Most of the time I am able to look at my wife and NOT just see a cheater.

 

 

I would agree with this, particularly 1 and 2.

[silktricks]

Really? What kind of drugs do you have to take so that you can't remember what a bad day is like?

no drugs just time, hard work and forgiveness.

 

{snip}

 

1) It's no longer the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed.

 

2) The porn movies in my head diminish and the anger and shame start to go with them.

 

3) Most of the time I am able to look at my wife and NOT just see a cheater.

This list makes me feel very bad for you, not because it's an unrealistic list - had I had a list it would probably have matched yours - but because it's been such a long time for you, and you still have the list.

 

I did things differently from the way you did things, though. When your wife said you need to get over it, as I recall you pretty much stopped talking to her about it??? When my husband said that to me (he only said it once ) I told him he had his choice of how I got over it. Either we dealt with every issue every time it came up or I left him. I'm a strong person, but I've never been a "it's my way or the highway" type - with this one exception. I was the one who had been hurt, we were going to fix it my way or I wasn't going to be there.

 

As a result, though, we have a happy marriage. I don't think of what happened anymore - but I did spend about 3 years completely obsessed, and thinking of pretty much nothing else, then probably another year of occasional breakdowns. It's been 7+ now, and I consider myself and our marriage healed. Considering the fact that I'm in the middle of some very serious health issues right now - if I was also dealing with ongoing mental trauma - well, I don't know if I could.

[silktricks]

He did not hide his triggers. Whenever he triggered, I asked him what he needed from me. If he was sad, I would hold his hand. If he was angry, I would give him space. I always made sure to ask what he wanted, what would help him at that moment. I don't think it's good to hide the triggers and angst, because on your side, it's eating away the inside of you. And from my side, I needed to see the hurt I caused. There was no "moving on" or "sweeping under the rug" because I could see the hurt I caused my H. Those were just one set of consequences.

 

Nobody is a mind reader. I remember thinking, years ago, why doesn't he see this? Or do that? Well, I never asked. And there were situations where he thought the same thing, I should have known that was why he did this or that. So now, we don't mind read. If one of needs something, we say so. Or if something is bothering us, we say so. Sometimes saying those things hurts but I feel that is better than stuffing thoughts inside, letting them fester, and then using them as a justification for making a horrible choice (like I did).

Exactly!!! If you attempt to hide what's going one inside of you, the marriage will not heal. The BS must be able to see the consequences of her/his actions. The WS must see that their spouse cares about the pain they are in.

 

Going forward, hurt feelings need to be disclosed and dealt with.

 

Great stuff BitterSweetie!!

[Kidd]

Thanks everyone.

 

After some additional drama yesterday, I'm going to try to reduce my obsession with all this. My W and I are in a good place but obsessing is slowing recovery. I know what we need to do, thanks to much reflection and some good counsel. Visiting here with every free minute is part of the obsession so I'm going to release it for a while. Yes, again. Third time is the charm, I hope.

 

At least this time it's not running away from something. I'll be back to give updates from time to time. I'm grateful for what I found here.

[John Michael Kane]

Exactly!!! If you attempt to hide what's going one inside of you, the marriage will not heal.

 

Simply talking about it doesn't "heal the marriage."

 

The BS must be able to see the consequences of her/his actions.

 

Excuse me, what consequences?

 

The WS must see that their spouse cares about the pain they are in.

 

A WS has no pain for what they've done so your comment should be reversed.

 

Going forward, hurt feelings need to be disclosed and dealt with.

 

Great stuff BitterSweetie!!

 

Again talking about it a few times will not lessen the pain and besides, the WS already knew the insurmountable damage they were causing from day one.

[silktricks]

Exactly!!! If you attempt to hide what's going one inside of you, the marriage will not heal. The WS must be able to see the consequences of her/his actions. The BS must see that their spouse cares about the pain they are in.

 

Going forward, hurt feelings need to be disclosed and dealt with.

 

Great stuff BitterSweetie!!

 

 

Sorry - I got my letters confused.... :lmao:

[drifter777]

no drugs just time, hard work and forgiveness.

 

This list makes me feel very bad for you, not because it's an unrealistic list - had I had a list it would probably have matched yours - but because it's been such a long time for you, and you still have the list.

 

No. This is the list I would have had 20 years ago. I believe I have pretty much "recovered" personally, but the process of ultimate forgiveness goes on. I'm more convinced then ever that I can never forgive (at least my definition of forgive) but I am much more at peace with the incident since my wife has quit rationalizing her behavior and accepted responsibility for her cheating.

[silktricks]

No. This is the list I would have had 20 years ago. I believe I have pretty much "recovered" personally, but the process of ultimate forgiveness goes on. I'm more convinced then ever that I can never forgive (at least my definition of forgive) but I am much more at peace with the incident since my wife has quit rationalizing her behavior and accepted responsibility for her cheating.

 

If you cannot reach forgiveness, at least peace is good. May I ask what your definition of forgiveness is?

[GorillaTheater]

When your wife said you need to get over it, as I recall you pretty much stopped talking to her about it??? When my husband said that to me (he only said it once ) I told him he had his choice of how I got over it. Either we dealt with every issue every time it came up or I left him.

 

This is a great response.