Next steps?

[Bryanp]

Do not tell her that you will be exposing to the OM's wife. If you tell her she may tip him off and he will tell his wife that you are some type of wacko. Never tell her in advance....just do it!

[Entropy3000]

We have MC on Wednesday.

 

1 I am going to reinforce the need for a job change but not dwell on it. She knows it is make or break, period.

2. I'm going to insist upon the normal transparency stuff. She has already agreed but has been pissy about it. She needs to accept it without resentment and know that this jean opportunity to reestablish trust.

3. I'm going to tell her I am telling the OMW and that she needs to leave it alone.

 

If she can do these three things in addition to everything else she is and has been doing, I can and will give 100% and we can make it.

 

Good stuff. I also think however it is something you should just do in informing the OMW. This prevents any extra drama plus confirms to her that you are strong and can take actions separate from her. No point in having a discussion about it. You made up your mind. Act. It is the right thing to do. This then leaves you with points one and two which should be the focus.

[Mr.Harris]

We have MC on Wednesday.

 

1 I am going to reinforce the need for a job change but not dwell on it. She knows it is make or break, period.

2. I'm going to insist upon the normal transparency stuff. She has already agreed but has been pissy about it. She needs to accept it without resentment and know that this jean opportunity to reestablish trust.

3. I'm going to tell her I am telling the OMW and that she needs to leave it alone.

 

If she can do these three things in addition to everything else she is and has been doing, I can and will give 100% and we can make it.

 

The bold tells you everything you need right there. Her reaction is pure evidence that the affair is still going on and she is completely unremorseful for what she's doing to you. Do not waste your money on biased "counseling." It will be a waste of time. The only thing she needs to be accepting right now is that you will no longer put up with her and her attitude. Throw her out and expose this to those high up in the food chain at her job. If she loses her job then too bad. She should've learned to be professional at work and serious about her marriage.

 

Do not tell your wife that you'll be notifying OM's wife. If you do both of them will do everything in their power to stop that from coming to fruition.

 

Trying to force her to leave is a waste of time also. You should not have to tell her how she's supposed to act, as if you're her father. She knows what she should've done before this happened, and she knows what to do now but as evidenced consistently, she does not care about her marriage and would rather fluck around at work with him.

 

Get your ducks in a row and consult with your lawyer.

[Kidd]

Mr Harris and Dale Gribble,

 

You are wasting your time typing your posts to me. Try to "help" so

someone else. No offense is intended. I think you're both man enough to take it.

 

Everyone else, in terms of discussing the OMW with my WS first, I see this as as test to see if she will keep her mouth shut and prioritize is rather than him. If she shuts her mouth, good. If not, I'll know that the OMW just found out. I don't need my WW's permission and won't present it that way. They could try to make me sound crazy but I do have enough on them that there would be no denying it. I've got emails from him meeting with me, emails from my wife about the A, etc.. Might not be enough to have him dead to rights at work but the spouse won't question. I know I was too flexible in the beginning and I am grateful for the posters with tough messages. I'm just not sure that feedback from those that would never support reconciliation are of use to me anymore.

[nyrias]

Mr Harris and Dale Gribble,

 

You are wasting your time typing your posts to me. Try to "help" so

someone else. No offense is intended. I think you're both man enough to take it.

 

Everyone else, in terms of discussing the OMW with my WS first, I see this as as test to see if she will keep her mouth shut and prioritize is rather than him. If she shuts her mouth, good. If not, I'll know that the OMW just found out. I don't need my WW's permission and won't present it that way. They could try to make me sound crazy but I do have enough on them that there would be no denying it. I've got emails from him meeting with me, emails from my wife about the A, etc.. Might not be enough to have him dead to rights at work but the spouse won't question. I know I was too flexible in the beginning and I am grateful for the posters with tough messages. I'm just not sure that feedback from those that would never support reconciliation are of use to me anymore.

 

You seems to be pretty rational and see through Mr Harris and Dale Gribble's agenda of maximally punish the cheater, without any regard to reconciliation. They are probably bitter people who want all the cheaters be dumped and punished. It is not wrong to have such a goal since the BS is the one who was betrayed but it is wrong on Mr Harris & Dale Gribble's part of not being up front about their intentions and cloaked their posts as "advice".

 

Back to the issue. Have you think about the timing of your wife's job move? Is it possible to move it up? You seems to have communicated the urgency to her, but there does not seem to be a concrete plan of making it better for you. I gather the 45 days is now too long.

 

Also, I applaud your willingness to work on your marriage even though you don't have to. You did show compassion to your wife ONLY demanding what is needed to repair your marriage and not being overly punitive.

[dale_gribble]

When did I ever tell him to do "this or that?;" I'm only pointing out and voicing what many of the other posters are are saying- She needs to get another jod ASAP! I never told him to move out, or did I? As long as she still works with OM, and he refuses to tell BW, this won't be over by any means- BELIEVE THAT.

 

"I have a feeling that my wife has been true since d day but clearly the doubters are having their influence over me."- Don't blame anyone else for YOUR own doubts, bro. You are your own man, and the decision ultimately lies with you. Just because some of us here don't sugar-coat the situation doesn't necessarily mean we're detrimental to his work toward R. Like I said, he is the one who has to live with the decision. I have no other intentions other than for Kidd to be on his toes at this point.

 

nyrias- You really got some nerve talking out of your ass. If he doesn't wnt to take our advice, then so be it; but for you to make a generalization about our "intentions" is laughable at best.

[Mr.Harris]

Everyone else, in terms of discussing the OMW with my WS first, I see this as as test to see if she will keep her mouth shut and prioritize is rather than him. If she shuts her mouth, good. If not, I'll know that the OMW just found out. I don't need my WW's permission and won't present it that way. They could try to make me sound crazy but I do have enough on them that there would be no denying it. I've got emails from him meeting with me, emails from my wife about the A, etc.. Might not be enough to have him dead to rights at work but the spouse won't question. I know I was too flexible in the beginning and I am grateful for the posters with tough messages. I'm just not sure that feedback from those that would never support reconciliation are of use to me anymore.

 

You can't even begin talking about reconciliation unless you have a remorseful wife, which is not even evident in this case.

[Mr.Harris]

You seems to be pretty rational and see through Mr Harris and Dale Gribble's agenda of maximally punish the cheater, without any regard to reconciliation. They are probably bitter people who want all the cheaters be dumped and punished. It is not wrong to have such a goal since the BS is the one who was betrayed but it is wrong on Mr Harris & Dale Gribble's part of not being up front about their intentions and cloaked their posts as "advice".

 

It is advice, nonetheless, whether you agree with it or not.

 

Back to the issue. Have you think about the timing of your wife's job move? Is it possible to move it up? You seems to have communicated the urgency to her, but there does not seem to be a concrete plan of making it better for you. I gather the 45 days is now too long.

 

Just a few posts ago you were talking about how the man needs to respect his wife's job, and how he should work on her time. Now you're concerned about his well being now.

 

Also, I applaud your willingness to work on your marriage even though you don't have to.

 

He can't even work on his marriage with an unremorseful wife. So it's moot.

 

 

You did show compassion to your wife ONLY demanding what is needed to repair your marriage and not being overly punitive.

 

What do you mean only what is needed? He didn't even demand what he truly wanted instead he let his wife out negotiate him regarding telling OM's wife, and when she will leave her job. And even then if he did he couldn't force her to do anything.

[Kidd]

Dale- your comments here are fair. And to be fair, your previous comments have been helpful for me to understand that I was valuing her far above valuing myself. I've needed a more aggressive stance, period. You've gotten me to man up and I needed some advice without the sugar. I honestly wish I could help you as much. Your own situation is as dire as my own when it comes to the betrayal, mind movies, etc.. I think preventing others from being the same suckers as we were is probably helpful to you but there has to be something more healthy for you to do in your own situation besides watching her squirm. It's clear you wouldn't consider R, and I completely get that others would never choose my path. So what are you going to do?

 

Drifter, I definitely haven't shared a lot of my feelings in my posts. I was a lurker here for quite a while when I was devastated. I leaned on a lot of people in my circle, went to IC, did a LOT of reading, etc.. After a few weeks, I found that this affair really wasn't about me. It was about my unhappy wife failing to talk to me, making an emotional connection with someone else, making selfish decisions, being too afraid to fess up when it started, AND thinking that she wouldn't ever get caught (and thus would never hurt me) and trying to find a way to end it. But then she was busted. It wasn't about me being inferior or her trying to hurt me. Now she knows that she wasn't that smart and that her decisions DID hurt someone terribly and irreparably. I believe "once a cheater, not always a cheater; twice a cheater, always a cheater.". There will be no more third chances. If she can do what is necessary, there may be a chance for us to create an affair-proof marriage. In the meantime, my emotional reactions don't serve much purpose. No doubt I have anger, disgust, resentment, and a lot of grief over what was lost and may never be regained. My MC and IC recommended that I write down the things I was angry about and then throw the paper away. What ridiculous nonsense. Im not angry at a piece of paper. I brought my anger to her and told her my mental movies, lack of belief at anything she says, and so on. She has taken it every time, cried, apologized, answered all questions, asked what she can do, done what I've asked, been affectionate, immediately stopped discussing anything to do with justifying the affair or blaming me. It's been impressive what she has been able to take. That goes a long way and I think few people get that. We still have 3 big issues: no contact, transparency, and exposure. I get that these are non-negotiable and should have been sooner. I didn't have a playbook and neither did she. We both make corrections and are still doing it. So far, no lies, no trickle truth. Wish me luck on Wednesday.

[Kidd]

Nyrias, thank you and I didn't mean to cut your legs out from under you. Just trying to give the tough guys credit where it's due and you've recommended a more aggressive stance as well. I don't know about the 45 days. I know everyone needs to have something personal in their life which makes them personally proud. For her, it's the nearly 20 years she's spent moving up in this company. She will lose the biggest piece of who she is if that has to go. It will be as devastating to her as the affair was to me. I think it will break her. She's going to take every opportunity to transfer before Aug 1, knowing it's not likely, and that she may have to take a demotion or leave the company. To keep my word, I don't want to move the deadline unless I just can't take it. I've spent three days harping on how the daily vulnerability is brutal. I got it off my chest and I think it was necessary and that she now gets it. I can tell she has a greater sense of urgency. I'm going to do what I can. I envision the tough part will be sticking to my guns when she has done everything but this one thing and inevitably asks to extend the deadline on Aug 1st. I'm going to have to say no and then she'll have to quit, take a demotion, or get divorced. For now, I'm not hinting at even the slightest willingness to bend but am trying to honor the remainder of the time.

[drifter777]

...my emotional reactions don't serve much purpose.

 

Kidd: you are so wrong regarding your feelings and emotional reactions. I can understand why your counselors have given you exercises in an attempt to get you to face your true feelings. Writing things down on a piece of paper may sound foolish, but they are simply trying to get you to face your emotions now rather than let them continue to simmer within you. Don't even try to tell me that your case is somehow different because your wife seems to be trying so hard to save you relationship. All cheaters are full of remorse when the truth comes out, and your wife is still seeing the OM on a daily basis. I know it's probably pointless for me to keep trying to help you when you obviously are not ready to hear what I'm saying, but it's hard to "stand by" so to speak and watch you set yourself up for more misery and heartache.

 

The steps you have taken since d-day may or may not be enough to save your marriage - there are no absolutes and no guarantees. However, compartmentalizing and ignoring your feelings now will lead to disaster down the road. That is an absolute, sure-fire fact; I guarantee it. You are focusing your energy on the wrong things right now and I implore you to start paying attention to the emotional aspect of your wife's infidelity.

[Gartabla234]

Thanks a lot..

[Kidd]

Drifter-

 

Your comments are not pointless. I value the opinions because I am missing the playbook. Everyone says anger sets in at 6 months. Reconciliation at maybe 2-5 years. Christ. I'm at like 6 weeks. I should have my SAA and HNHN books tomorrow. I'm definitely getting more task focused; it's my tendency. I wrote down my anger stuff about a week ago. Felt like I got my anger organized into categories. Lovely. Definitely not much of an expert on what to do with the emotions. Figured I had suffered enough and tried to start using my brain instead. Came to LS for practical advice. Feel like keeping my head in the game was what had gotten me this far. Confronted WW with most of my anger list (a lot of triggers) and she made positive changes but the big three remain. Don't feel much need to revisit old subjects but to Dale's point, its not like Im at peace either. Just figure it is all gradual from here. Trying to temper both the highs and the lows. I know EVERYONE says this is going too fast. So, what next?

[reboot]

Going too fast for who? Them? You're doing just fine Kidd. Whatever gets you to sleep at night is the right thing. No one here can tell you how you feel.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Nyrias, thank you and I didn't mean to cut your legs out from under you. Just trying to give the tough guys credit where it's due and you've recommended a more aggressive stance as well. I don't know about the 45 days. I know everyone needs to have something personal in their life which makes them personally proud. For her, it's the nearly 20 years she's spent moving up in this company. She will lose the biggest piece of who she is if that has to go. It will be as devastating to her as the affair was to me. I think it will break her.

 

She used her position in that company to cheat on you. Personally, I don't see as how you could possibly be happy with her continuing to work there. Every company function... Christmas party, picnic... ect. Those two will be there talking behind your back.

 

Have you read ANY of the threads by women who had an affair with a guy they work with? It never ends... they are ALWAYS in contact. Even if they switch departments... either one or the other restarts contact a few months after everything blows over.

 

What's more important... money or your family? At this point... Can you really have both?

 

I'm sorry that your situation sucks this bad... but maybe it's best you ask your wife to quit her job. It may show just exactly how much she cares for you. Especially if she says No and chooses divorce.

[Kidd]

Not that this is any guarantee (or sadly that there are ever any guarantees which is a big problem) but this company is literally the largest single site employer in the US. It is very conceivable that they would never see each other. Short of moving cities, how can anyone guarantee NC? It's obviously a problem but atleast if she changes locations, I'll have the same problem as most BS's and not this 5 day a week, in your face, vulnerability. I don't see he transfer happening and then she will have to make that most difficult choice. How many days now?

[Kidd]

And yeah, I couldn't care less about the money. Ready to live in a double-wide. If a divorce happens, that kind of change is bound to happen. Yep, this sucks.

[John Michael Kane]

Honestly Kidd, you're trying to reconcile with someone who is still actively cheating on you. The "vulnerability" you speak of, occurs because you allow it to happen, not because the tide won't change. Instead of taking this woman's direct disrespect, you can take control of this situation and turn it around.

[Entropy3000]

Kidd:

 

Money becomes moot after discovering infidelity.

 

Wife needs to do two things:

 

1. She must be in favor of telling the wife of OM. Any resistance from her part implies she is still in the affair.

 

2. Since money is moot she needs to quit the job.

 

Absolutely.

[What_Next]

And yeah, I couldn't care less about the money. Ready to live in a double-wide. If a divorce happens, that kind of change is bound to happen. Yep, this sucks.

 

Amen to that. I could not agree more with that statement. Money is money, I never really did care about it, and now it means even less to me. You make it, you spend it, who cares.

 

Kidd, this road you are embarking on is going to be one of the hardest you'll ever likely endure. Honestly, I am not 100% sure her affair is really over and the fog she was in was lifted. If it isn't then this is all pointless. If she has and she is willing to be 100% commited to everything that needs to happen then it is indeed possible. However, be aware so very few make it.

 

One great feature of LS is the ability to add particular posters to your ignore list. It will help their posts simply not appear to you, it is a fantastic way to filter out those that you do not want to deal with.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Not that this is any guarantee (or sadly that there are ever any guarantees which is a big problem) but this company is literally the largest single site employer in the US. It is very conceivable that they would never see each other. Short of moving cities, how can anyone guarantee NC? It's obviously a problem but atleast if she changes locations, I'll have the same problem as most BS's and not this 5 day a week, in your face, vulnerability. I don't see he transfer happening and then she will have to make that most difficult choice. How many days now?

 

The point isn't to be 100% certain that they don't have contact... the point is to make it difficult for them. Look, if your wife believes you are serious about this... then it shows two things... first that you care enough about her to fight, and second that you are not a pushover.

 

So get access to her work email!

 

My cheating X/GF works for a company with 50,000 employees on-site. One month after I caught them in a hotel together... I caught them again doing lunches together. I found that practically everyone they worked together with knew about them and helped them hide it from higher management.

Eventually one friend contacted me to tell me the whole story, but it was only because she was interested in dating me.

[Kidd]

Wednesday will be a big day. Telling her that I'm telling OMW and that she is to leave it alone. If she can't, I'll know that the OMW just found out. Deal breaker. Telling her I need her work email stuff. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. She's been uncomfortable feeling investigated but has provided whatever I requested and said she understood. Should have requested this particular stuff sooner. Was to eager to create an environment of reconciliation. Fixing that now. Third is revisiting the deadline. While I may permit it to continue, I have to know that she will take a demotion or quit if she can't transfer. I'm not convinced.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Wednesday will be a big day. Telling her that I'm telling OMW and that she is to leave it alone. If she can't, I'll know that the OMW just found out. Deal breaker. Telling her I need her work email stuff. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. She's been uncomfortable feeling investigated but has provided whatever I requested and said she understood. Should have requested this particular stuff sooner. Was to eager to create an environment of reconciliation. Fixing that now. Third is revisiting the deadline. While I may permit it to continue, I have to know that she will take a demotion or quit if she can't transfer. I'm not convinced.

 

How soon do you plan to tell OMW? How do you plan to do it? Phone? Email? Coffee? Personally, I would do it by phone without any real details and provide her an offer to meet for coffee if she wants more.

 

Get access to all email accounts WELL before telling OMW... There is a chance they will re-initiate contact to try and get their stories straight. He may not know how much detail you have and will have a huge desire to spin things. Also... if he throws your wife under the bus and she finds out... it may help her get over him. It has for many OW.

 

The way I see it... You drive this process. There is no "right way"... just keep in mind that there is probably still an "affair fog" in your wifes brain. If you are a doormat you lose, if you are too uncaring... you lose.

 

I've been through this twice. Good Luck!

[Kidd]

I was going to tell OMW basically as soon as I can after Wednesday. Thought I would stop by her desk at work at the end of a workday so we could walk and talk. Thought I should show her some things I have to help reinforce that it's true. Advantages to other approaches?

[Owl]

Why wait til Wed?

 

Realize that you do not have to ask your wife's permission to do this.

 

I'd also suggest that you tell his wife in some fashion not connected to the workplace, if your intent is to allow your wife to "leave gracefully".

 

Call her, email her and setup a phone call...but don't do it in a public workplace.

 

If you're wanting to delay to give your wife a chance to warn OM, to see if she's going to do so or not...I can understand that, but would suggest that you have a PLAN IN PLACE to address either outcome of that...her warning him, or not.

 

But...either way...don't ask your wife's permission...tell her what you're going to do if you want to...but you're not required to do either...you can just go straight to OMW and tell her the truth, and then let your wife know what you've done and why.

 

Remember...YOU are the one who controls what you do...no one else.