Next steps?

[RepairMinded]

There is no "addiction" and even if that is the case, no BS should have to put up with that.

 

 

Kidd is using Marriage Builders as his guideline. All Marriage Builders says is to "negotiate" terms of reconciliation in a respectful, not angry manner. There is no requirement that the negotiation take days, weeks or months. Simply stating "Quit your job immediately and send the affair partner a no contact letter which I will help you draft, today. Otherwise I will see a divorce lawyer and begin divorce proceedings immediately."

[Mr.Harris]

Have you ever been betrayed by your wife?

 

Yup.

 

What did you do?

 

I kicked her out and divorced her.

[Mr.Harris]

Mr. Harris strong love feelings cause a change in brain chemistry that is similar to addiction to drugs. I respectfully suggest you do some reading on this subject.

 

Those feelings a cheater feels is just lust. And cheaters are not controlled by some natural scent given off by the human body. That's just another attempt to excuse their behavior.

[Kidd]

I could swear I just read that plan a and b are plans to achieve NC between the APs. Plan a is to negotiate for it, plan b is to separate and wait for it. It's irrelevant; I just had the first panic attack of my life realizing that plan a is accepting being a cuckold. Think I've been doing plan a. F-BOMB! Think I'm going to start hyperventilating again. I know I didn't agree to that and I'm not going to take it.

 

Think I'm going to start exposing, maybe today. Now I feel a need to force her out of the house, too. How can I just so drastically change tactics in less than 24 hours? The whole thing is insane. My view of the world is freakin' demolished. I feel like I'm the only person in he world with a moral compass and I'm a dang atheist. What a terrible waste. I hope I can find a new life soon and help my kids thru it.

[drifter777]

I guess it's part optimism, part denial, and part holding out hope for our two kids to have a normal family life rather than the devastation that this will cause. My 8 year old boy is going to blame himself. He smart enough and sensitive enough to see how tough it is for parents. My beautiful 4-year daughter will just cry and never understand why she can't have her mom or dad. I guess I've been willing to hold out every hope for a true reconciliation, sacrificing myself in the short term for the long term goal. Figured it's just another cruel punishment for the BS to bear. SAA would say I should totally expect this phase to occur in her case of a long term physical and emotional affair and to ride out the storm with plan a or b for up to 2 years.

 

Kidd: I understand you are concerned with how your children would react to the end of your marriage. Remember that you are seeing that potential outcome in the worst possible light because your outlook for the future is so dark right now. The best or worst possible outcomes never come to pass. It's always somewhere in between. Obviously, you love your children and are a devoted father and you will do whatever is required to make sure the impact to your kids is minimal. Look at it from your kids point of view; would you rather have a father who is happy & confident and spends quality time with them or the dad you are in your current state of mind. And if you stay with your wife your state of mind is very likely to deteriorate rapidly as new and disgusting facts continue to come to light.

 

It's time for you to make a stand for your own mental health and the well-being of your children. Pardon my bluntness here, but SAA my ass. She's a lying, cheating, slut and doesn't deserve another chance to betray you. Drop a dime on the OM to his wife, pack a bag and start your recovery today.

[rafallus]

You are the type of man that walks away instantly. However, some men want to save the marriage. You may want to try and see another point of view.

 

Seriously, what for?

[Kidd]

Sitting in my car outside the OMWs office building. Gonna call to see if she can meet after work. Last minute advice appreciated. Seems like I'm taking sudden drastic moves on the low end of the rollercoaster. Smart time to make decisions? Seems this one is just overdue.

[rafallus]

Some men may want to stay in the marriage if the wife is truly sorry and wants to rebuild the marriage. Why? I am sure the reasons vary.

 

No, I'm fine with that.

 

But why the one who just dumps cheaters should try taking 'em back for change?

[Mr.Harris]

You are the type of man that walks away instantly. However, some men want to save the marriage. You may want to try and see another point of view.

 

Well you can't even begin to "save a marriage" with someone who destroyed it and feels no remorse about it. So it's a moot point.

[Mr.Harris]

You are correct----it is lust----a form of early love (love has three phases). However, lust with an emotional attachment is very addictive.

 

Sorry if I'm not well-versed in fictional romanticizing novels.

 

I also agree that most cheaters are simply dishonest and not honorable people. In the end it has to do with character.

 

There's no "most" about it. It's ALL cheaters. There are no cheaters in this world who cheat in the cause of good.

[Mr.Harris]

I could swear I just read that plan a and b are plans to achieve NC between the APs. Plan a is to negotiate for it, plan b is to separate and wait for it. It's irrelevant; I just had the first panic attack of my life realizing that plan a is accepting being a cuckold. Think I've been doing plan a. F-BOMB! Think I'm going to start hyperventilating again. I know I didn't agree to that and I'm not going to take it.

 

Honestly that Marriage Builders material is no good in the real world.

 

Think I'm going to start exposing, maybe today.

 

How about right now? Get it over with and stop second guessing yourself. You're the victim here, along with the betrayed wife.

 

Now I feel a need to force her out of the house, too.

 

That would be even better.

 

How can I just so drastically change tactics in less than 24 hours? The whole thing is insane. My view of the world is freakin' demolished. I feel like I'm the only person in he world with a moral compass and I'm a dang atheist. What a terrible waste. I hope I can find a new life soon and help my kids thru it.

 

You're still in a little shock. It's normal. But now you see that your wife is not going to change unless she wants to.

[Kidd]

OMW meeting me in 30 minutes. Testes starting to grow back.

[drifter777]

OMW meeting me in 30 minutes. Testes starting to grow back.

 

Congratulations! You are taking the first step in a long road toward recovery. I am proud of you!

[Spark1111]

OMW meeting me in 30 minutes. Testes starting to grow back.

 

Tell her you love your wife and are trying to save your marriage. Tell her you never wanted to hurt her, but believes she has a right to know as she can then decide what she wants to do about her marriage.

 

Tell her that everything you have read about saving a marriage says NC with the affair partner is of utmost importance.

 

Good luck to you. I know how hard this is. Remember, you did not do anything wrong to warrant this. Neither did she.

[Owl]

OMW meeting me in 30 minutes. Testes starting to grow back.

 

Way to go man!

 

Be honest, up front with what you know, and realize that she may react any number of ways.

 

How she handles it, what she does from here...those are her choices. If she wants to work with you to make sure that the two of them end the affair and seperate, great. But she may also blow you off and call you a liar...some people just can't/won't accept reality.

 

Either way...you're doing the right thing.

[Spark1111]

I guess it's part optimism, part denial, and part holding out hope for our two kids to have a normal family life rather than the devastation that this will cause. My 8 year old boy is going to blame himself. He smart enough and sensitive enough to see how tough it is for parents. My beautiful 4-year daughter will just cry and never understand why she can't have her mom or dad. I guess I've been willing to hold out every hope for a true reconciliation, sacrificing myself in the short term for the long term goal. Figured it's just another cruel punishment for the BS to bear. SAA would say I should totally expect this phase to occur in her case of a long term physical and emotional affair and to ride out the storm with plan a or b for up to 2 years. I doubt many on these boards would support that. Up until now I've been determined to stop efforts if there was TT or a 2nd dday. Now the SAA book has me questioning this approach. I'm right back to a confused state where I feel like the only disadvantage to my patience is suffering more time as a BS until she comes out of the fog by seeing that they're not soulmates after all. At least I think that's most of the SAA theory.

 

That is the theory and it often works with two people giving it their all.

 

You are allowed to decide NOT to decide right now as you are experiencing trauma caused by the affair.

 

Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

 

Prepare for the best while expecting the worst.

 

It's your life. You choose the path you want to take. What have you got to lose?

 

If you love your wife, give this a chance to work. In time, you will know what the right decision is for you and your marriage.

[Kidd]

Meeting TCO. She didnt want to believe at first. Had enough data that she couldn't deny it. She was in shock. 15 years, 2 kids. She wasn't sounding like she was going to reconcile. Gave her my number but she didn't sound like she'd be calling. Got the impression that she thinks my wife is a slut. Not sure where she'd get that idea. Did I mention that she said my wife and kids were swimming with her husband and kids at their house when she came home one day?

[drifter777]

Meeting TCO. She didnt want to believe at first. Had enough data that she couldn't deny it. She was in shock. 15 years, 2 kids. She wasn't sounding like she was going to reconcile. Gave her my number but she didn't sound like she'd be calling. Got the impression that she thinks my wife is a slut. Not sure where she'd get that idea. Did I mention that she said my wife and kids were swimming with her husband and kids at their house when she came home one day?

 

Great, step 1 accomplished. It should make you feel less like a victim now that you have started to take action in response to your wife's sh*t. Knowing your great concern for the well-being of your children, the swimming thing nearly made me vomit. Stay strong and keep moving forward.

[Bryanp]

Excellent job Kidd. Wow. Your wife is a real piece of work taking the kids swimming to the OM's house and not caring when the OM's wife returns home. I would not say that your wife has a broken moral compass but rather it is a smashed moral compass. She clearly does not care how much she humiliates the innocent spouses. She apparently gets some perverse thrill engaging in such behavior but also bringing your children into this is beyond the pale. Absolutely unbelievable!!!

[Kidd]

When I heard it, my whole body imploded as if my soul had left my body/

[Steen719]

Oh, so proud of you! You are on your way (maybe long...maybe not) to feeling better and it is right that OMW knows. Expose them both for what they are, I say.

 

These threads are full of people like us who do not cheat on their spouses and although we are not perfect, we are decent and have integrity. Someday, hopefully not too soon, but someday, you will find a good woman that will respect you and honor you for who you are.

 

Take care and platonic hugs!

[OldOnTheInside]

She clearly does not care how much she humiliates the innocent spouses.

 

This is it. Just replace spouses with "people". There was no rational reason for her to drag both your children and theirs into her own sh*t. And now she has.

 

Where do you think you should go from here?

 

Keep in mind your wife's past and current actions, and that she may, or may not be as sorry as she seems (it doesn't seem like she is does it?).

[OldOnTheInside]

Actually, from an analytical standpoint, having an affair already gets the children involved. Consider the number of potential consequences from an affair that will negatively impact the child's life. By having an affair, you are inviting the consequences.

 

But there is a big difference between potentially affecting your child, and physically bringing them into your affair environment. I don't know how you would be able to forgive the latter, Kidd.

[Kidd]

Yes, Pierre. I don't know if the OMW will confront him tonight. I certainly expect he would call my wife. Counseled OMW to be smart and get her legal and financial affairs in order before following her emotions. We have MC tomorrow morning. I'll tell her then if she doesn't find out first. We'll see if she flips out. What does it really matter? Suspect it will be my wife that calls him with the heads up. OMW said to go ahead and tell her. Said she wants to see what her husband does when he realizes she knows. Going to tell my wife to move out if she can't leave the job immediately. Will move somewhat slow at the separation so we can come together on a plan to make it happen along with what to tell the kids. For their sake, I won't throw WW under the bus. Everything I've read says the kids recover faster when you make it clear that it's (1) not their fault and (2) neither spouses fault (we grew in separate directions, etc). Much longer recovery when one spouse is at fault.

[Mr.Harris]

Meeting TCO. She didnt want to believe at first. Had enough data that she couldn't deny it. She was in shock. 15 years, 2 kids. She wasn't sounding like she was going to reconcile.

 

Well she's in shock right now so it's that's a moot point.

 

Gave her my number but she didn't sound like she'd be calling. Got the impression that she thinks my wife is a slut. Not sure where she'd get that idea.

Well she's in the same position as you are so I don't know why would you think the vibe she gave off about your wife isn't true. Your wife cheated with her husband so of course she's going to be mad. Come on dude.

 

Did I mention that she said my wife and kids were swimming with her husband and kids at their house when she came home one day?

And this is all the more reason you should prepare for an exit and file for full custody. She obviously doesn't care about her own kids and used them to play house with someone else's husband. How utterly disgusting.