Next steps?

[Kidd]

Mr Harris, I think you missed the sarcasm when I said I wondered where the OMW would get the idea that my wife was a slut. Come on, dude.

[Spark1111]

Kidd, congratulations for taking control of your life and informing the other innocent party in all of this.

 

What next? What is your plan? What will it take for you to either reconcile or divorce?

 

What changes will she have to make for you to hold on to your marriage?

 

You need to spell that out in very concrete terms.

[RepairMinded]

I wonder if they snuck inside to have a "quickie" while the kiddies were frolicking in the pool. Cheaters do things like that.

 

Also it would be very hard for me to believe this guy is the first one your wife ever cheated with. She seems pretty callous.

[John Michael Kane]

Kidd, congratulations for taking control of your life and informing the other innocent party in all of this.

 

What next? What is your plan? What will it take for you to either reconcile or divorce?

 

What changes will she have to make for you to hold on to your marriage?

 

You need to spell that out in very concrete terms.

 

He doesn't need to spell it out to her. She knows what she needs to do and even then most likely it won't even be enough. Plus she's not even remorseful and she's still cheating so all that doesn't even matter. She's probably been fooling around with many more men.

[RepairMinded]

We don't really know if she has done this before. We don't really know if she had a quickie when the kids were swimming. Speculation like this does not solve anything and is hurtful to the OP.

 

Pointing out the implications of his wife's infidelity is not in itself "hurtful" to the OP--it's only "hurtful" if she did it, and if so, that's on her, not on anyone else.

[Binster]

Well done mate you really grew a pair.

 

Have to say taking your kids to see him is well out of order.

 

I would now contact work and make an appointment to see the personel manager and tell all, or just explain on the phone. This should help them get seperated at work, if one or both get fired tough.

 

Go with a voice activated in her car if you can. It may give you an idea what her plans really are.

 

DO NOT leave the house if you end up divorcing it could look bad. If she moves out thats up to her.

[John Michael Kane]

She's been keeping a lot of things from you. Divorce her quick.

[Kidd]

She did not go ballistic about the OMW. She gets it and I wish I had just pushed this more sooner.

 

On the swimming subject, it took me a while to recall that I had known she went over there with the kids one day last summer. I hadn't given it any thought at the time. She hadn't re-disclosed it because she figured I already knew. She got several minutes of "What the F were you thinking bringing our kids over there to play house?!" She just cried.

 

She again agreed to all transparency and will give me whatever I need.

 

As far as the job goes, she still clings to the 21 years she's spent there. She has been doing her best to transfer and has been focused on Aug 1st. I told her Aug 1st is no longer relevant. I cannot stay in a marriage where my wife continues to work for her AP. Said if she cannot completely separate herself from him that we need to take the next few days to discuss how to separate and discuss it with the children. She has focused exclusively on a transfer and I pointed out all of the other options that she is leaving out with this tunnel vision: taking a demotion, a leave of absence, looking outside the company.

 

I got her to further discuss her contact, relationship with, and feelings for the OM. She continues to maintain that they have not resumed anything since dday, and that while she has missed the relationship at times, she doesn't look at him that way anymore, she could never return to what she was doing, and that both are trying to move.

 

I know that I will receive no support for R with some on this forum butthe reality is that her words and actions have been consistent since dday. I haven't found one lie, trickle truth, or evidence of a continued affair. I will get the voice recorder so I can try to verify. Some people say she shows no remorse but I have seen an immense amount of remorse and a lot of changes to recommit to the marriage. The only 3 things left for me were willing transparency, exposure, and NC. Two down, one to go.

 

The MC tried to suggest that there must be some third choice besides separation and her quitting. Wife tried to suggest moving her office further away, arranging opposite schedules, further limiting their contact, calling or texting me more frequently. By the time we left, I started to waver, just saying that maybe there was another way.

 

I won't expose them at work. That would just put my alimony and the money for the kids in jeopardy. If the intent would be to separate them so we could R, the separation would work but my wife would likely be fired and any hope of R would be gone. The only other reason to expose at work would be revenge. That's no good for me and even if we divorce, I need to have an amicable relationship with this woman until the kids are 18. I will not seek full custody. This is not one of those cases.

 

I may take a break from posting on LS for a while. I'm not sure. I'm very appreciative of the perspectives I've received here and know I've found a better, more assertive way to look at this, and I've taken better actions as a result. But I also think it convinced me that my wife continued the affair when I really don't believe it is true. The continuance of her role is unsustainable but I have to find my own path. I've learned that I can trust but must also verify and take steps to respect myself. Not sure what the future holds. Maybe S tomorrow, maybe R over the long haul. Need some time to reflect and discover on my own if a third choice exists.

 

Please keep posting and I'll give updates from time to time.

[What_Next]

Kidd, you've done incredibly well considering the situation. Stepping back from LS is also not a bad idea. The emotions in these threads can easily boil over. Especially from those who have been hurt so badly by cheating. They often cannot see past their own hurt and they project their anger on to the WS.

 

Keep perspective. Read posts for perspective, but use your own judgement as well. It's your life, and you control it. I know I am being somewhat captain obvious here, but sometimes it needs to be explicitly said.

 

From my chair reading these posts I think your wife is taking the right steps. The fact that she did not come to OM's defense is a good sign as far as I am concerned. Also she seems more than willing to agree to your terms.

 

I for one do not agree that exposing the affair to the workplace is a good idea. I just don't. My reasons are my own.

 

With all that being said, dig, dig, dig. Don't believe what she says because she says it. Look for verification of anything and everything she says.

 

Once she transfers away from the OM you can being proper healing, whatever that might be.

 

Good luck.

[drifter777]

I may take a break from posting on LS for a while. I'm not sure. I'm very appreciative of the perspectives I've received here and know I've found a better, more assertive way to look at this, and I've taken better actions as a result. But I also think it convinced me that my wife continued the affair when I really don't believe it is true. The continuance of her role is unsustainable but I have to find my own path. I've learned that I can trust but must also verify and take steps to respect myself. Not sure what the future holds. Maybe S tomorrow, maybe R over the long haul. Need some time to reflect and discover on my own if a third choice exists.

 

Please keep posting and I'll give updates from time to time.

 

The feedback you get from those of us on LS is just food for thought. The reason many of us either warned you about the possibility that the A was ongoing is the continued daily contact - that's HUGE red flag and will always attract posters who will expound on the dangers of that situation.

 

Your MC is working to help the two of you find middle ground on all issues you discuss. That's because they are trying to teach you that there are always other options available and should be examined by the two of you. It doesn't mean your counselor thinks that a third or fourth option is necessarily a better option, it means he/she is doing their job.

 

Finally, you seem terrified at the prospect of divorce and are willing to accept a "Pollyanna" justification to most of the ugly facts of your wife's betrayal. The swimming thing that you are so quick to dismiss is a prime example. In the end, this may be a key to your ultimate reconciliation. Ignorance is bliss; and if you can't be ignorant then denial is often a viable replacement. All of this is to say that you blindly love your wife and are willing to do nearly anything to keep your current life. I think you should do some examination as to why even false security is more desirable than stepping forward into the unknown.

 

I'm fear for you because of the emotional mountain that is going to come crashing down on you someday - I hope I'm wrong. I'm also pulling for you and hope you are able to find true peace.

[Spark1111]

Kidd, there are others here who have successfully reconciled from infidelity.

 

I am happier in my marriage than ever before, because similiar to your wife, my fWH changed himself in ways I could have never imagined and we work daily to keep us and the relationship strong.

 

While I lived with doubt and insecurity and some ambivalence for a very long time, today, over 3 years later, I am very happy I gave that man a chance.

 

Keep talking to each other! Keep reading about affairs and learning what it takes to have a healthy relationship. Discuss everything with each other.

 

I too took frequent LS breaks. Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

Good luck to you!

[Spark1111]

"I am happier in my marriage than ever before, because similiar to your wife, my fWH changed himself in ways I could have never imagined and we work daily to keep us and the relationship strong."- Why does it take an affiar to make a marriage "better?" What a joke.

 

Because unfortunately for some people dale gribble, they do not realize what they are about to lose until they have almost lost it all. And they change themselves, their perceptions and their behavior in ways that make a relationship stronger.

 

The affair did not make the marriage better. The discovery of the affair made my H take whatever steps were necessary to be a better man.

 

Big difference.

 

My point to Kidd is that I stayed to witness the changes and I am happy I did for both myself, our marriage, and our children.

[John Michael Kane]

"I am happier in my marriage than ever before, because similiar to your wife, my fWH changed himself in ways I could have never imagined and we work daily to keep us and the relationship strong."- Why does it take an affiar to make a marriage "better?" What a joke.

 

Dale I agree with you. The denial in these betrayed spouses talking about how their marriages are better than ever after an affair is ridiculous. Don't worry you won't get a straight answer out of them.

[John Michael Kane]

She did not go ballistic about the OMW. She gets it and I wish I had just pushed this more sooner.

 

On the swimming subject, it took me a while to recall that I had known she went over there with the kids one day last summer. I hadn't given it any thought at the time. She hadn't re-disclosed it because she figured I already knew. She got several minutes of "What the F were you thinking bringing our kids over there to play house?!" She just cried.

 

She again agreed to all transparency and will give me whatever I need.

 

As far as the job goes, she still clings to the 21 years she's spent there. She has been doing her best to transfer and has been focused on Aug 1st. I told her Aug 1st is no longer relevant. I cannot stay in a marriage where my wife continues to work for her AP. Said if she cannot completely separate herself from him that we need to take the next few days to discuss how to separate and discuss it with the children. She has focused exclusively on a transfer and I pointed out all of the other options that she is leaving out with this tunnel vision: taking a demotion, a leave of absence, looking outside the company.

 

I got her to further discuss her contact, relationship with, and feelings for the OM. She continues to maintain that they have not resumed anything since dday, and that while she has missed the relationship at times, she doesn't look at him that way anymore, she could never return to what she was doing, and that both are trying to move.

 

I know that I will receive no support for R with some on this forum butthe reality is that her words and actions have been consistent since dday. I haven't found one lie, trickle truth, or evidence of a continued affair. I will get the voice recorder so I can try to verify. Some people say she shows no remorse but I have seen an immense amount of remorse and a lot of changes to recommit to the marriage. The only 3 things left for me were willing transparency, exposure, and NC. Two down, one to go.

 

The MC tried to suggest that there must be some third choice besides separation and her quitting. Wife tried to suggest moving her office further away, arranging opposite schedules, further limiting their contact, calling or texting me more frequently. By the time we left, I started to waver, just saying that maybe there was another way.

 

I won't expose them at work. That would just put my alimony and the money for the kids in jeopardy. If the intent would be to separate them so we could R, the separation would work but my wife would likely be fired and any hope of R would be gone. The only other reason to expose at work would be revenge. That's no good for me and even if we divorce, I need to have an amicable relationship with this woman until the kids are 18. I will not seek full custody. This is not one of those cases.

 

I may take a break from posting on LS for a while. I'm not sure. I'm very appreciative of the perspectives I've received here and know I've found a better, more assertive way to look at this, and I've taken better actions as a result. But I also think it convinced me that my wife continued the affair when I really don't believe it is true. The continuance of her role is unsustainable but I have to find my own path. I've learned that I can trust but must also verify and take steps to respect myself. Not sure what the future holds. Maybe S tomorrow, maybe R over the long haul. Need some time to reflect and discover on my own if a third choice exists.

 

Please keep posting and I'll give updates from time to time.

 

You say you haven't found one single lie or clue that this affair isn't going on still and yet you've discovered things your wife haven't even told you about, and she's still here complaining about leaving her job. No one cheats and then automatically becomes remorseful in such a short amount of time, especially when she's not even putting in the full effort. It's good you're being more vigilant towards this but the hood is still pulled over.

[Snowflower]

Kidd, I've been following your thread and I think that you've done a great job with handling this situation.

 

Like you've mentioned, it's not like you were given a guidebook on how to handle the aftermath of infidelity. You've been doing the best that you can and if you later decide that some of your earlier actions weren't the right ones, then correct it as best you can. And, give yourself some slack for dealing with a very difficult situation the very best that you could AT THAT TIME.

 

I just wanted to ask you a question and you don't have to answer it here but IMO it is something you should ponder: just yesterday (I think it was yesterday) you were having serious concerns that your wife had continued the affair. Now, you are saying that you feel she has been honest ever since d-day and that the affair is over.

 

Why have your feelings changed about what you thought she was doing? Just something to consider and think about on your own.

[reboot]

Dale I agree with you. The denial in these betrayed spouses talking about how their marriages are better than ever after an affair is ridiculous. Don't worry you won't get a straight answer out of them.

 

JMK, I was a BS, my marriage is not better than ever, it is in fact over for all practical purposes. I, however, refuse to become a bitter, bile spewing, shell of a human being that some here seem to be. I tried to reconcile, it didn't work out. I'll never be sorry I tried. The hatred I read here is astonishing.

[What_Next]

I, however, refuse to become a bitter, bile spewing, shell of a human being that some here seem to be. I tried to reconcile, it didn't work out. I'll never be sorry I tried. The hatred I read here is astonishing.

 

Reboot, that is a good point and I 100% agree with you. A question though, during your initial anger stage, if you had been posting here do you think that you might be projecting that anger onto BS and threads about cheating? I suspect you might have. I also suspect at least some of these posters that you are referring to are still deeply into their anger phase and thus they are simply seeing red.

 

It's the ones that never really do deal with the anger that often stand out from the rest. Luckily in most cases posters can see that and their bitterness shines like a diamond.

 

FWIW my wife and I are also attempting a reconciliation and even if it does not work out, as it did not in your case reboot, I won't be holding on to anger. I will deal with it the right way so that I might continue on and enjoy my life.

[reboot]

A question though, during your initial anger stage, if you had been posting here do you think that you might be projecting that anger onto BS and threads about cheating? I suspect you might have.

 

You may very well have a point there.

[Owl]

Dale I agree with you. The denial in these betrayed spouses talking about how their marriages are better than ever after an affair is ridiculous. Don't worry you won't get a straight answer out of them.

 

The denial that amazes me is that of those that come on here bitter that their own marriage failed and so end up convinced that it's impossible to reconcile that they're completely unable to accept that any other outcome than what happened to them is possible.

 

It amazes me that you're convinced that those that recover a marriage are somehow broken...when the people who clearly DIDN'T heal from their own experiences are a different set of posters entirely.

 

THAT, my friend....is denial.

[RepairMinded]

I don't really think Kidd's wife is upset by the prospect of losing Kidd. I think what's upsetting to her, really, is the prospect of losing access to her affair partner, and/or perhaps the embarrassment/damage to her career she feels would result from exposure or enforcement of other consequences such as having to leave that job.

 

Some of you talk about the BS's anger stage.

 

What about the wayward wife's "nasty" stage? That hasn't hit yet, but only because she still has access to her affair partner. I don't think Kidd has been exposed to what a cheating wife is truly capable of, at least not yet. His wife hasn't really had significant consequences imposed, she's just been buying time.

 

It's just a matter of time though. Once kidd really starts to follow through with trying to impose consequences for the affair, and make them stick, he may see a very ugly side of his wife that he never knew existed.

[Binster]

I think maybe you can make it who knows, like the idea that there hasn't been any trickle truth also her reaction to you telling this guys wife is a plus.

 

Big down side is the continued contact, that just has to give and then maybe you can make it.

 

Would also keep a close watch on things in future just in case.

 

Good luck hope it works out.

[Spark1111]

The denial that amazes me is that of those that come on here bitter that their own marriage failed and so end up convinced that it's impossible to reconcile that they're completely unable to accept that any other outcome than what happened to them is possible.

 

It amazes me that you're convinced that those that recover a marriage are somehow broken...when the people who clearly DIDN'T heal from their own experiences are a different set of posters entirely.

 

THAT, my friend....is denial.

 

Owl, i am shocked at the number of people who do not research, educate and learn about the stages of an affair and what people can and will experience after a DDAY.

 

I am in agreement, that if you KNOW with total certainty that you will not/ cannot forgive your spouse, then divorce is the only option available to you and I support you.

 

But, if you think you want to wait it out and spell it out -the steps your spouse must take to regain your trust--and if they are truly remorseful, transparent, and willing to do the work necessary to try to reconcile....

 

then why not?

 

If you still love them and think you can, in time, forgive them, then why not try to reconcile?

 

And why not support me when I did and it worked out successfully?

 

Posters here do not know nor have they taken the time to understand my story if they must paint their viewpoints with broad brushes onto my opinions.

 

If Kidd believes he has a chance, he may very well have a chance to successfully reconcile.

 

And I support him in that attempt.

[Spark1111]

Dale I agree with you. The denial in these betrayed spouses talking about how their marriages are better than ever after an affair is ridiculous. Don't worry you won't get a straight answer out of them.

 

I wish I had the luxury of denial. Denial would have made many things so much more bearable during reconciliation.

 

There were many times I had a bag packed and contemplated divorce. It wasn't easy for either one of us. So, if that is what you decided to do, I support you in your decision. I understand it, I really do.

 

Why are you so incapable of understanding or supporting mine?

[rafallus]

There are people who got married when 18 or earlier and are happy (at least on the surface), so that's plausible are people who can be happy after an affair (again, at least on a surface).

 

I'm not one of them and positively never will be. But whatever floats their boat.

[Spark1111]

There are people who got married when 18 or earlier and are happy (at least on the surface), so that's plausible are people who can be happy after an affair (again, at least on a surface).

 

I'm not one of them and positively never will be. But whatever floats their boat.

 

Great! Good for you! So do you think you'd be the best person to offer advice or support to man who WANTS to attempt reconciliation with his wife?

 

Who has stopped posting here because of the people, like you, who could not or would not do it?

 

...just asking....