just trying to keep it together

[tonguetied]

This is my first post, I've read here from time to time, hoping to make sense of my situation. I can't remember now how I first came across this board, and can't decide if sharing will help me or not. I need to vent, this eats at me daily and I have no support network for a sensitive situation like this anywhere else. I apologize if this gets long, it's a story that began near 9 years ago now.

 

My (now) Husband and I began dating 9 years ago, and shot ourselves into adulthood at such a rapid rate, be began our family after less than two years being together. We were too young and too new in our relationship to handle the stresses and to know how to work on our relationship properly, the first year as a family was, rough, to say the least.

 

when our child was one, I was sent to a yearly conference for work, it was my first time away from the family, and I met some amazing friends. One of them showered me with attention, he supported me through out all of the workshops, and became a person I could rely on to confide in. I knew the constant showering of attention was what initially drew me too him, especially at a time when I felt so neglected at home, it felt great to feel appreciated. I developed what I called a crush on him.

 

Feeling a little guilty about my attraction to him, I fully disclosed everything to my husband, who took it all in, and was completely understanding. The next year of our relationship was just as trying, I kept in contact with my good friend sporadically throughout the year, and we became good friends. He became someone I could trust, and confide in. I looked forward to seeing my good friend again. The next year our attraction grew stronger, neither of us willing to act on it, I didn't want an affair, and he wanted no part of one.

 

Again we remained close afterward ( I should add we live in different cities, our contact was strictly through online networking aside from our yearly work related time spent together. These get togethers include about 100 people from all over, and a group of about 20 of us have become close, these are no t instances where I am forced alone with my friend. However, over the years, I have come to protect myself and my family (from myself mostly) by bringing close friends and even my husband with me to the social parts of these conferences, to avoid letting any feeling get the best of me and my better judgement.

 

One year I went so far as to completely avoid my good friend, in order to keep myself in line. My good friend and I, (or the OM if you will) have continued our friendship for going on 7 years now, we have discussed our feelings, and agreed that they can and will never be anything we can act upon, and tried our best to remain good friends.

 

Over that time, my H and I have spent a lot of time and work on our relationship, and the last year has been the most amazing. We have a great time together, we now have three children, and great communication. I love him with all of my heart, and we have such a great thing. We have worked hard to get our relationship to such a strong place.

 

But then, over the last year, my feelings for OM have become stronger, and harder to tame. He's always in the back of my mind, and I find myself making time to speak to him, and enjoying the sexual innuendo far too much. He has been such a good man to me, and a great friend. He has allowed me to control every aspect of our relationship, allowing me time when I needed it, and respecting my delicate situation and feelings.

 

My curiosity is getting the best of me, and I often wonder if I am where I am supposed to be, and if I am, then why was he put in my life in that way? I have plenty of great male friends, who I have never felt attracted to, but this man has me hooked, and I can't get enough. I'm carrying on an EA, and trying to make sense of it all.

 

I don't want to have an affair, I love my husband and my family, and things are too great for me to go and throw everything I have away. There are so many feelings and so many people's lives at stake, The OM has strong feelings for me, and I have strong feelings for both him and my H. There is no way to go on in any situation without hurting someone, myself included.

 

Well that's enough of my vent for now, there are 7 years worth of details I could go on about, but in truth I know what the "right and moral" course of action is, and nothing I say or do changes that. I also know there will never be a time when I don't have these feelings for the OM in my life, and wonder how I can possibly go the rest of my life, continuing a plutonic relationship when we do meet up, fighting how we feel.

 

Ugh I don't even know if this is the right forum to be posting in, thanks, if you made it this far!

[Emme]

:bunny:HUG:bunny:... Love is rough. I will tell you that you are doing all the right things as far as using others to help you block him from your path. Does your husband make you feel the way the OM does? The feeling of butterflies in your stomach and your heart racing. You have to figure out why this man has a hold on you. Are you missing excitement in your life? Would you be willing to end all contact with this man to make your marriage work? If both men were hanging off a cliff and you could only save one... who would you save and why? If you can start with answering those questions honestly then you can start to figure out what direction you want to take. If you can't be honest with yourself you will be at a stand still.

[whichwayisup]

I think deep down you know it's time to end the friendship with the OM since it's become a selfish friendship and it's affecting your marriage, what you feel for your H. Having thoughts more and more of the OM isn't good and it's only a matter of time you two DO act upon what you feel for one another.

 

It'll hurt and be hard to do, but if you want to keep your family intact, it's something you have to do, otherwise there will always be a third person to your marriage, on the side, as an EA or possible PA if you two give in to temptation.

[tonguetied]

Thanks everyone. I am an emotional mess with this all. As I've said before, in years past it was so much easier to go on with life with my family normally. I don't know why this year has become so much more intense.

 

Unless one of us leaves our job we will always be at those same conferences together, and working side by side in the workshops. I've come to depend on his support in those situations, and he has as well. I need to be able to have a normal friendship and work relationship with him, and I know, absolutely, that if I told him "enough is enough, we are great friends and we need to be responsible about this" he would absolutely comply with no complaint.

 

There's this huge part of me that knows 100% I need to stop making time to talk to him, that I need to leave our relationship at work for those few time a year and on numerous occasions I have hovered over the delete button on FB, knowing it's in the best interest of my feelings and family. I just can't do it.

 

I see you all ask the "split second decision" questions. (if you had to pick right now him or your hubby? or if you could only save one of them from falling off of a cliff) and I see how easy it is for others to answer and I can't. I can't honestly say I would be able to pick one or the other, I care too deeply about the both of them, it's not a decision I feel I can make.

 

I don't want out of this marriage, it's great here, life is beautiful, but if my husband told me tonight that he wanted out, he wanted to leave, I can't say that I would fight it very hard either.

 

*sigh*

[Owl]

So here's the thing...you know that you're ATTRACTED to this other guy...even infatuated perhaps...

 

...given that knowledge, it then becomes a choice of what you're going to do about it.

 

Realistically, you can choose to do one of three things.

 

1. Choose to protect your marriage, and start changing the situation. You recognize the danger here...so you need to make changes to safeguard your marriage. That means reducing your contact with this other guy to a minimum, or ending it entirely. STOP relying on him for the things that you rely on him for today. Tell him point blank that there will be NO contact of any kind at all other than what is REQUIRED by your job between the two of you. You could also admit to your H that your feelings for this guy have progressed, and you need his help in working out a plan to protect your marriage.

 

2. Pursue the relationship with this other guy. Pretty self-explanatory, and it doesn't require a lot of thought. You know the potential consequences...so it's up to you to risk those or not.

 

3. Do nothing, and see what happens. This is the passive way out. It's a great technique if you want to leave yourself a "mental excuse" for something happening...you can claim you didn't PLAN on it...but still let it happen. Again, passive, avoiding taking control or responsibility. It's easy to do...but the consequences can still be great.

 

The bottom line is that its up to you.

 

You know the risk, you know the rewards...and you've got a good idea on who's gonna be impacted by your choices.

 

All you gotta do is "girl up" and do whatever it is you're gonna do.

 

You CAN do it...you've just chosen not to. Recognize that as a choice...and either change your mind, or own it.

Edited June 17, 2011 by Owl

[Emme]

I see you all ask the "split second decision" questions. (if you had to pick right now him or your hubby? or if you could only save one of them from falling off of a cliff) and I see how easy it is for others to answer and I can't. I can't honestly say I would be able to pick one or the other, I care too deeply about the both of them, it's not a decision I feel I can make.

 

 

 

You have given an honest answer. Perfect. At least you are honest. Now you know you are no longer in love with your husband. If you were you would be willing to save the father of your children. You would be willing to save the man that you love. Now that you know you no longer are in love with him what are you prepared to do to change that. Please don't use a comfortable living as a reason to stay. Do you want to work things out or end it. Is this new man in your life worth loosing all that you have. If you are not willing to loose your comfortable lifestyle... you do not love him. You are in LUST.

[whichwayisup]

You have given an honest answer. Perfect. At least you are honest. Now you know you are no longer in love with your husband. If you were you would be willing to save the father of your children. You would be willing to save the man that you love. Now that you know you no longer are in love with him what are you prepared to do to change that. Please don't use a comfortable living as a reason to stay. Do you want to work things out or end it. Is this new man in your life worth loosing all that you have. If you are not willing to loose your comfortable lifestyle... you do not love him. You are in LUST.

 

This is a great reply! I agree completely.

[Silivren]

Have you ever considered the idea that perhaps this infatuation you have with your OM is a bit romanticized on your part?

 

Let me put it this way... we are all encouraged to believe in "Hollywood Love" where everything always works out in the end and they all live happily ever after. Do you suppose maybe you are hyping your OM up a bit because there is mystery with him?

 

We grow up believing in Hollywood love... in sparks and romance... the whirlwind courtship.. but the movies never show us how the MARRIAGE winds up after the wedding is over. Marriage is actually work. (As you have clearly found).. and there is no longer mystery to your relationship...

 

But I tell you something. As amazing your friend is.. he is just a person too. If you left your husband for him, you would find yourself in a similar situation.. the honeymoon would be over after a few years and it would become work to keep your marriage going..

 

I agree with the other posters on this forum and I really think perhaps your friendship is now harming your relationship.. kudos to you for realizing it, and maybe it's time to step back and start looking at your husband and finding what it was that led you to fall in love and continue to make your marriage work.

 

Good luck!

[East7]

 

I don't want to have an affair, I love my husband and my family, and things are too great for me to go and throw everything I have away. There are so many feelings and so many people's lives at stake, The OM has strong feelings for me, and I have strong feelings for both him and my H. There is no way to go on in any situation without hurting someone, myself included.

 

 

Welcome to LS, TongueTied.

 

fOM here.

 

I can understand your feeling of being torn, you have to look at these two men very differently: you love your H because there is history with him, memories etc, you are 'familiarized' with him so much over the time that the idea to leave him may sound unacceptable. On the other side the OM is the friend of your heart, your confident, you have more connection with him but also more fantasy.

 

Even if you claim that things are great at home, this is, IMO, your way to find justification to stay . You have already chosen to stay with your H, you are not ready emotionally and mentally to take any risk. Things are maybe not so great at home, unless you'd NOT be attracted to someone else, at least not obsessed by an OM.

 

So my conclusion is: stop finding justifications to stay with your H, you don't have to. You want/love to be with him or not, period, no need to justify. You may love him but maybe you aren't in love with him anymore.

 

I agree with Owl: Make a choice NOW or you will be in limbo for years ahead. Whether you want to be with OM or your H, make a choice and stick with it ! If you picture yourself 10, 20, 30 years from now, which is the man you imagine by your side ?

 

And please don't stay with your H for the comfort or just because things look 'great', you will end up regretting it / And if you decide to stay with H and work it out, be fair and honest with OM tell him you need to take your distances.

[tonguetied]

Thanks everyone, the replies have had me thinking a lot over the last few days. Forgive me for not knwoing how to quote the statements I wish to reply to, hopefully I won't feel the need to hang around here long enough to find out how

 

First off, i am in love with my husband. I have no doubt about this. Yes, there is a comfort in being here, but every day I take the time to look, really look, at my husband, and I know I am in love with him.

 

You are all right, it isn't that I can't choose one or the other, in any situation, real or not, it is that I won't. Obviously, up until now I have chosen my husband, time and time again, I have chosen the more appropriate friendship with the OM over risking all that I have. It's been harder this year, and I am just not sure why. He is not worth losing my husband and the family we have built together, but why, if I know this, is it so hard for me to do the right thing?

 

I've never kidded myself into thinking that I want a full our relationship with OM, in fact if I think about it, he's so the opposite of what think I would look for in a (full) relationship. I know I am in lust, and I think our strong friendship clouds my judgement over those feelings.

 

Someone mentioned something, about Hollywood/movie relationships painting an unrealistic picture about romance and love. A bit unrelated, I have to mention, this was a problem I have identified in my relationship in the past! I was craving a fairy-tale love and romance so much it was ruining my relationship with my husband, I spent a long time trying to separate the fairy tale from real life in order to get back to where I needed to be with my hubby!

 

Anyways, there have been a lot of great comments and replies in here, it's helped me to sort through some things in my head, and at least make my emotions a bit easier to sort through.

 

The friendship with OM is a great one, and not something I am willing to give up, I literally have nightmares about losing his friendship all the time. (One, the day of my wedding, standing at the top of the stairs in the doorway of the church, OM standing at the bottom of the stairs in the rain, he waves good bye and walks out of my life forever, actually made me cry) Maybe the fear of losing him altogether is what keeps me from crossing those lines with him. I am scared to death of hurting him, a contradiction I know, because leading him on to thinking something could happen between us would ultimately hurt him more in the end.

 

Anyways, I am babbling now. I thank you all again for your replies.