Update

[Glinda]

Here's my take.

 

Stop limiting yourself to just calling.

 

All you're doing is denying yourself from ALL of what you want.

 

Limiting contact to just calling WILL NOT reduce the emotional devestation and trauma his wife will experience when she finds out that the two of you are still communicating. She's still going to see this for what it is...a continuation of the affair.

 

Given that...from her perspective...nothing's changed. He's still "with you".

 

Given THAT...why bother going through all this heart ache and stress trying to limit contact, when it's not going to change anything?

 

I say go for it.

 

Kick it all back into gear.

 

Why not?

I disagree. If crazy wants the woman's H, she should pick up the phone and tell her so.

 

Why keep sneaking around? Couldn't be because WS would drop crazy in a second should another d-day occur would it?

[Owl]

I disagree. If crazy wants the woman's H, she should pick up the phone and tell her so.

 

I can agree with this too.

 

From where I sit, there's no reason not to view this as a continuation of the full blown affair, only CC is still miserable.

 

His wife is going to be devestated when she learns that contact is still ongoing regardless...so why NOT give her a call and help him make up his mind?

[Crazy chick1]

Here's my take.

 

Stop limiting yourself to just calling.

 

All you're doing is denying yourself from ALL of what you want.

 

Limiting contact to just calling WILL NOT reduce the emotional devestation and trauma his wife will experience when she finds out that the two of you are still communicating. She's still going to see this for what it is...a continuation of the affair.

 

Given that...from her perspective...nothing's changed. He's still "with you".

 

Given THAT...why bother going through all this heart ache and stress trying to limit contact, when it's not going to change anything?

 

I say go for it.

 

Kick it all back into gear.

 

Why not?

 

I know it's ultimately what MM wants but he is building up to it gradually, as if that makes things better somehow for his W!

 

I am not pushing because I am afraid that the bond I have with him will be strengthened once again because I cannot have sex with a guy & not feel close to him emotionally. It doesn't help that we both are almost torturing ourselves with reminiscing about our times together. I have mentioned to him that I'm not convinced that his W will be able to accept that we aren't having sex together & even whether that would matter, as I'm fairly certain just talking would be seen as bad enough from her point of view.

[Owl]

I'm not trying to be rude.

 

I just don't understand what it is you're hoping to accomplish with the "limited contact" that the two of you are maintaining right now.

 

It's not going to change what happens to her when she finds out.

 

It's not working towards ending contact which is going to be the only viable solution for her.

 

It's not working towards him ending his marriage to pursue a relationship with you.

 

DO, OR DO NOT.

 

Either end contact between the two of you...or pursue the full blown relationship you're wanting.

 

Anything less than either of these is going to lead to nothing more but more pain, without helping to resolve any issues.

[Crazy chick1]

Owl, I guess we're trying to do the right thing by not having sex together again. However, if we keep the contact going, I believe it is inevitable that we will end up in the full-blown A because the forbidden fruit is far too tempting. Things will not carry on as they are for much longer, that is one thing I am sure of.

 

I am going to really try to find the strength to keep away from him because I accept that he will not choose me over his family (rightly enough) & even if she kicked him out (possible), I really do not want him just because he can't have her.

Edited June 16, 2011 by Crazy chick1

[Owl]

CC, I get that you're trying to do the right thing. The downside is that you know that the physical side of this...while "wrong" from most viewpoints...isn't the biggest issue here.

 

It's ANY kind of contact between the two of you. You know that, you've realized and admitted it.

 

Here's the thing. The only way to "find the strength to keep away" is to take ACTIVE MEASURES TO CHANGE THE SITUATION.

 

Tell him it's over. Block his normal methods of contacting you (block his number, his emails, etc...). Remove him from your contact lists so that its not easy for you to just push a button in a moment of weakness.

 

Talk with your friends and family. Get someone you know in person who can help you stay strong, do the right thing...be a "support" for you through this.

 

And then DO IT. Don't try...do.

 

It'll be hard at first...but there are things you can do to fill that void until the pain clears and you're able to think clearly.

 

Don't try...do.

 

Start taking a step now, while you're thinking along these lines.

[fooled once]

Owl offers great advice.

 

Crazy, I do not understand what you mean when you say

I know it's ultimately what MM wants but he is building up to it gradually, as if that makes things better somehow for his W!

 

What is it that he wants? To be free of you? To end his marriage? It can't be to end his marriage because he had the opportunity to do that, to be HONEST with his wife and he wasn't.

 

Why does he pursue you? because you willingly let him. Because you praise him up and down, tell him how great he is, buy a special phone to call him (really, that is pretty sad that you did that .... and that you can't see how needy and sad you look because you "can't" end an affair that you know is wrong and is causing you so much pain).

 

He loves how needy you are and how you just won't tell him to pound sand and get lost. He knows you are hurting, and he doesn't care. He has told you he cares more about his wife's feelings (which that alone should make you tell him to f off).

 

Of course his wife is NOT going to be okay with you and him being friends. Not sure why you think she would be okay with that. Heck, even teenagers know that.

 

You state you are a confident, intelligent woman; yet this guy seems to have control/power over you and you will do just about anything to stay in contact with him.

[Crazy chick1]

Owl offers great advice.

 

Crazy, I do not understand what you mean when you say

 

What is it that he wants? To be free of you? To end his marriage? It can't be to end his marriage because he had the opportunity to do that, to be HONEST with his wife and he wasn't.

 

Why does he pursue you? because you willingly let him. Because you praise him up and down, tell him how great he is, buy a special phone to call him (really, that is pretty sad that you did that .... and that you can't see how needy and sad you look because you "can't" end an affair that you know is wrong and is causing you so much pain).

 

He loves how needy you are and how you just won't tell him to pound sand and get lost. He knows you are hurting, and he doesn't care. He has told you he cares more about his wife's feelings (which that alone should make you tell him to f off).

 

Of course his wife is NOT going to be okay with you and him being friends. Not sure why you think she would be okay with that. Heck, even teenagers know that.

 

You state you are a confident, intelligent woman; yet this guy seems to have control/power over you and you will do just about anything to stay in contact with him.

 

The bit about building up to something was in regards to MM wanting the PA back but getting there gradually (as if that would hurt his W less somehow). Obviously only my take on it though.

 

Just to reassure you all that although I am being completely honest about my feelings on here, I am not revealing them to him (& he has noticed this). I feel so hurt & afraid that I could be hurt again, that I have backed off from showing him my emotions. Purchasing the cheap phone was something we'd discussed previously & part of 'being driven further underground' as he put it. It was something we both knew was necessary & not just me being sad, I just happened to be the one to get it.

 

I will be speaking to him again today & know that I can't & won't just tell him what he wants to hear. Either I have to end the A (right answer I know) or at least make it more favourable for me. At the moment it is just getting me down.

[bentnotbroken]

The bit about building up to something was in regards to MM wanting the PA back but getting there gradually (as if that would hurt his W less somehow). Obviously only my take on it though.

 

Just to reassure you all that although I am being completely honest about my feelings on here, I am not revealing them to him (& he has noticed this). I feel so hurt & afraid that I could be hurt again, that I have backed off from showing him my emotions. Purchasing the cheap phone was something we'd discussed previously & part of 'being driven further underground' as he put it. It was something we both knew was necessary & not just me being sad, I just happened to be the one to get it.

 

I will be speaking to him again today & know that I can't & won't just tell him what he wants to hear. Either I have to end the A (right answer I know) or at least make it more favourable for me. At the moment it is just getting me down.

 

 

No it wasn't necessary. It was only part of the script that allows A to continue. It is part of the roles you both have chosen to play and this play sucks...at least for his wife.