still.....

[Windblue]

well, we are still together for the moment. It's almost been 2 years now. I don't know how far this will go, but I love my still mm and he's showing he loves me...kinda? because no divorce or legal separation has happened YET...Not sure what to make of it. I'm just trying to enjoy the moment, and if he leaves he leaves, he stays then he stays. thanks for reading. just needed to speak on it.

[carrie999]

well, we are still together for the moment. It's almost been 2 years now. I don't know how far this will go, but I love my still mm and he's showing he loves me...kinda? because no divorce or legal separation has happened YET...Not sure what to make of it. I'm just trying to enjoy the moment, and if he leaves he leaves, he stays then he stays. thanks for reading. just needed to speak on it.

 

You're not new here, but relatively quiet. I'm used to people posting either affirmations of their new affair or affirmations of NC. I'm not used to the "in limbo" post, so I'm not sure how exactly to respond, since you didn't exactly ask for advice. I'm just wondering where you are in this limbo.

 

I'm in a similar situation, or at least I think I am. He plans to leave her, but there is no set date. There was no DDay....at least, not yet. Their marriage has been crumbling for years, and he used to work hard at reviving it with romantic gestures, date nights, etc., and he's stopped doing so in the last few months. He's just allowing them to drift further and further apart to the point where he can point out that it's not working because NEITHER of them is trying. But he's not coming out and just stating he's unhappy, either. He did that a few years back and nothing changed. It troubled him then, but now he's counting on it as an easy way out.

 

Cowardly, maybe, but maybe not the worst way to go, given that he tried with no avail before. The cowardly (and unethical) thing here is his infidelity.

 

What's your story? What is he thinking? Do you know where he stands? Is there an exit plan?

[Gentlegirl]

If we can believe them, statitics show that the longer an affair goes on the longer the married partner will stay with the spouse.

 

They feel comfortable in both relationships and why the hell should they put themselves out of their comfort zone??? YOu are providing some of their needs and it isn't costing them anything axcept ia bit of charm perhaps.

 

I was in the A for 3 years and he was not making a move anywhere. He said it worked for him and didn't give a flying..... about me or his wife.

 

Gentlegirl

[MissBee]

If we can believe them, statitics show that the longer an affair goes on the longer the married partner will stay with the spouse.

 

They feel comfortable in both relationships and why the hell should they put themselves out of their comfort zone??? YOu are providing some of their needs and it isn't costing them anything axcept ia bit of charm perhaps.

 

I was in the A for 3 years and he was not making a move anywhere. He said it worked for him and didn't give a flying..... about me or his wife.

 

Gentlegirl

 

It quite makes sense....

 

If I happen to meet my future husband or soulmate while he is married to another woman (I am pretty sure I won't )....that would be my test of it it were "meant to be". I would set my boundary from day one and tell him that I would love to pursue a relationship when he is no longer tied up in his "situation". If this man disappears...then clearly it was not meant to be. If he is still around and continues to try to pursue me and only has excuses pertaining to the marriage....not meant to be. The ONLY action that would convince me that this scenario is worth my while and that this man is SERIOUS and that this is some type of "once in a lifetime" "soulmate" connection....is if he is moved enough to do all he can to make the environment right for us to pursue something worthwhile...regardless of if it takes 2 weeks or 2 years.

 

If it is truly "meant to be" then I believe mountains will be moved...and if not...I can just find another, single man to have a romance with. Nothing loss. *shrug* I don't believe anyone has one true love...I believe that there are a number of people that can be good for you, if one of those people happens to be married, then to me, you should pass them up and just go back to the pool of suitable people. Kind of like the house analogy I gave in another thread or even your dream car. If you see someone driving your dream car it would be rather irrational to insist that you MUST have that particular car that someone else owns. There are other cars like it, although they are not it, that you can be happy with, so it only makes sense to find one for yourself than get hung up about this already spoken for car and to figure out how you can get it or to arrange for that car owner to let you borrow it. It's too much especially if there are other cars that can very much fulfill that need (unless ofcourse you convince yourself that only that particular one will...which is plain false but we're good at making ourselves believe we must have a certain thing, even when often times life proves that nope...you can be very happy without this thing you insisted on having and sometimes, many times even, another thing comes along that is even more suited for you than the original thing you were fixated on). If one true love doesn't exist then it only makes sense that if someone you feel a connection with is already spoken for, you say "Aww shucks...too bad but good thing there are others".

 

The good thing too is that if somehow they happen to be just the one person who can make you happy and you indeed need to be together...then setting that boundary BEFORE things get entangled, will not affect it. How would you lose out by stepping away and allowing things to unfold in a most likely less messy way? Getting into an affair, because of your magnificent, unique connection, esp those hoping for the person to leave the spouse, is like walking on freshly cemented sidewalk before it dries; messy!!! Why not wait until it dries so that you can walk on it without your shoes getting stuck and mucking everything up? If it is real...the metaphorical sidewalk will still be there when the cement dries...and if not, then what kind of sidewalk and cement was it anyway? Not one you needed to be walking on for sure. If you feel you need to hold on to it for dear life,, twist and turn and accept an awkward situation (running, walking and hopping all over wet cement)....then that connection and love may not be so pure after all but built up around fears and quite transient.

Edited June 16, 2011 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

Miss Bee, you cover (or not) something that I see mentioned frequently on this board and the infidelity board. "When"?.

 

When you bump in to your soulmate is it across the ice cream at the supermarket? Or maybe you're seated next to each other at a seminar? Or you pitch up tents near each other at a festival?

 

Are you permanently on the look-out? Ruling in/out potential suitors for marriage?

 

Because for a lot of people the situation has grown over time and they genuinely didn't notice it (because they weren't searching it out in the manner I describe above). Maybe they get on better with that person than the others at the meeting, or end up working together on a project and really respect their work and enjoy their company. Maybe a neighbour moves from the status of acquaintance, to pal, to good friend.

 

It's extremely hard to pinpoint a moment when that speech you talk of actually needs to be made, if that's the intention. Yeah there's all the smart-a$$ comments like 'if he's got his d**k in you it's inappropriate'. That's the easy stuff...

 

I wish I could remember who it was but I read a great thread where a BS said 'you own up and say you feel something more than you should and you give your spouse the chance to end things' and 2 other BS's asked some really pertinent questions about when EXACTLY that point is. And it's the same here, on the OW side of the fence. Lots of OW seem to become involved with MM who were already in their work/social circle in some way and they weren't seeking anything. I am not saying 'people don't know what they're doing', I'm asking you when/how you choose the time to say 'you mean a hell of a lot to me, leave your wife or leave me alone'.

 

[MissBee]

Miss Bee, you cover (or not) something that I see mentioned frequently on this board and the infidelity board. "When"?.

When you bump in to your soulmate is it across the ice cream at the supermarket? Or maybe you're seated next to each other at a seminar? Or you pitch up tents near each other at a festival?

 

Are you permanently on the look-out? Ruling in/out potential suitors for marriage?

 

Because for a lot of people the situation has grown over time and they genuinely didn't notice it (because they weren't searching it out in the manner I describe above). Maybe they get on better with that person than the others at the meeting, or end up working together on a project and really respect their work and enjoy their company. Maybe a neighbour moves from the status of acquaintance, to pal, to good friend.

It's extremely hard to pinpoint a moment when that speech you talk of actually needs to be made, if that's the intention. Yeah there's all the smart-a$$ comments like 'if he's got his d**k in you it's inappropriate'. That's the easy stuff...

 

I wish I could remember who it was but I read a great thread where a BS said 'you own up and say you feel something more than you should and you give your spouse the chance to end things' and 2 other BS's asked some really pertinent questions about when EXACTLY that point is. And it's the same here, on the OW side of the fence. Lots of OW seem to become involved with MM who were already in their work/social circle in some way and they weren't seeking anything. I am not saying 'people don't know what they're doing', I'm asking you when/how you choose the time to say 'you mean a hell of a lot to me, leave your wife or leave me alone'.

 

 

 

I think that attraction is definitely not a choice. You're attracted to who you're attracted to. Loving someone, being infatuated with them and becoming attached to them is a more conscious process. To use your bumping of supermarket carts example, you can have an attraction to someone who you've bumped carts with and think "Man he/she is so fine..." but that is a very fleeting thing and you can easily go on about your life and not pursue it. Developing an attachment and love for someone though takes conscious decisions to spend time interacting with this person, it has to grow and be built and is not an instantaneous thing like attraction.Your point about it growing over time is exactly my sentiment and exactly why you actually do have a measure of control because you can see and feel it coming on and it is not some lightning bolt thing like bumping into someone at the supermarket and being suddenly smitten.

 

 

Attraction precedes love/like and affairs. It may have not started out that way (if the person you're in an A with was a friend or acquaintance first) but at some point it came to light that you're attracted to this person...which is the precursor to you spending time with them and so on and developing those bonds.

 

When I was an OW...I allowed myself to build up emotional bonds with a man I should not have. I didn't just meet him and instantly fall for him and went into some uncontrollable love affair. No...I opened myself up to it by allowing him to call me, having lengthy, intimate conversations at night, allowing him to call me "Baby" and other affectionate terms and doing all manner of things that build that intimacy and increases feelings and overtime we fell in love. It wasn't happenstance...

 

The problem is...one of us should have stopped it or not even started it at all. For his part, knowing he was taken, he should not have pursued me and when I found out he was taken I should not have continued to entertain him, knowing I was attracted to him and therefore susceptible to sliding down that slippery slope. Once I became attracted and he started the calling and I found out he was taken...that's the ideal time for that boundary to be set of saying "Hey...truth be told, I'm attracted to you. But you and I both know you're taken so I can't talk to you like this anymore until that's sorted out. We can still be cool but I don't what things to get weird so lets keep it friendly ". I could have done that but nopes.. I continued putting myself in a position to fall inlove then tried to mask it by saying we're just friends, when I was interacting with him in a totally non-platonic way and then I was hurt and mad when I did fall in love and I was now in some mess with him and already attached and in justification-to-keep-the-attachment mode . You gotta nip it in the bud before you get to that point of attachment where you will do anything to keep the interaction going....

Prevention is better than cure. If you are friends or acquaintances with a man, then most likely you know his relationship status so therefore you don't need to put yourself in compromising positions esp once your attraction to him is apparent to you. Kind of like as a teen, with the whole "petting" thing. Kissing, "necking" and petting in a dark room will most likely lead to increased sexual arousal and that will lead you down the path to sex in a hot minute...so if you are not planning on having sex (and that is a boundary you have set for yourself from beforehand, which is the problem too, many people have no boundaries from beforehand so anything goes) then maybe you should just avoid that.

 

If a taken man wants to go to dinner alone with you? No thanks...He wants to call you at night time and have deep convos...no thanks and you can be straight up about if if he asks why not? You can tell him you're attracted to him, he's taken, you don't do taken and therefore you'd rather not put yourself in a position for things to escalate beyond friendship and if he wants more then he has to be single. His choice. It's like those unwritten rules and boundaries that you have for opposite sex friends who are married or taken. For example, I have male friends who I might have called up on the spur at 11 pm or text and ask a question when they're single, but once they get a gf, I realize it is kind of inappropriate and out of respect for this person they're dating and their relationship I am not going to do that. Or normally if I would invite him somewhere, now that he is taken, I extend the invitation to his S/O as well so that everything is on the up and up. That's what it's about IMO...being forthright and making your actions transparent instead of lying to yourself (which is the worst) and others and then acting surprised.

 

If you don't know a man and don't know his status and you fall for him, then that is a whole other matter...but it still comes down to once you find out, you make the choice to not proceed further. Also in this case, the reason you didn't know his status was because he didn't tell you. He knew it... so he was willfully misleading you...and therefore do you even need to be considering messing with him? Probably not.

Edited June 16, 2011 by MissBee

[TigerCub]

You're not new here, but relatively quiet. I'm used to people posting either affirmations of their new affair or affirmations of NC. I'm not used to the "in limbo" post, so I'm not sure how exactly to respond, since you didn't exactly ask for advice. I'm just wondering where you are in this limbo.

 

I'm in a similar situation, or at least I think I am. He plans to leave her, but there is no set date. There was no DDay....at least, not yet. Their marriage has been crumbling for years, and he used to work hard at reviving it with romantic gestures, date nights, etc., and he's stopped doing so in the last few months. He's just allowing them to drift further and further apart to the point where he can point out that it's not working because NEITHER of them is trying. But he's not coming out and just stating he's unhappy, either. He did that a few years back and nothing changed. It troubled him then, but now he's counting on it as an easy way out.

 

Cowardly, maybe, but maybe not the worst way to go, given that he tried with no avail before. The cowardly (and unethical) thing here is his infidelity.

 

What's your story? What is he thinking? Do you know where he stands? Is there an exit plan?

 

I'll bet she'll offer to try when she's at risk of losing her M (especially if they have been married for a long time)

 

Fear is a funny thing that way - when we're faced with what we could potentially lose - all of a sudden we bargain, and make promises and try ever so hard.

 

We usually mean it at the time, but eventually we forget that exact same feeling and things slip back.

 

I really hope that's not the route it takes if you're investing your all into this "plan".

 

I like your honesty Carrie. You call it like it is and I hope you don't get hurt in the end.

 

[half_ofa_heart]

I think that attraction is definitely not a choice. You're attracted to who you're attracted to. Loving someone, being infatuated with them and becoming attached to them is a more conscious process. To use your bumping of supermarket carts example, you can have an attraction to someone who you've bumped carts with and think "Man he/she is so fine..." but that is a very fleeting thing and you can easily go on about your life and not pursue it. Developing an attachment and love for someone though takes conscious decisions to spend time interacting with this person, it has to grow and be built and is not an instantaneous thing like attraction.Your point about it growing over time is exactly my sentiment and exactly why you actually do have a measure of control because you can see and feel it coming on and it is not some lightning bolt thing like bumping into someone at the supermarket and being suddenly smitten.

 

 

Attraction precedes love/like and affairs. It may have not started out that way (if the person you're in an A with was a friend or acquaintance first) but at some point it came to light that you're attracted to this person...which is the precursor to you spending time with them and so on and developing those bonds.

 

When I was an OW...I allowed myself to build up emotional bonds with a man I should not have. I didn't just meet him and instantly fall for him and went into some uncontrollable love affair. No...I opened myself up to it by allowing him to call me, having lengthy, intimate conversations at night, allowing him to call me "Baby" and other affectionate terms and doing all manner of things that build that intimacy and increases feelings and overtime we fell in love. It wasn't happenstance...

 

The problem is...one of us should have stopped it or not even started it at all. For his part, knowing he was taken, he should not have pursued me and when I found out he was taken I should not have continued to entertain him, knowing I was attracted to him and therefore susceptible to sliding down that slippery slope. Once I became attracted and he started the calling and I found out he was taken...that's the ideal time for that boundary to be set of saying "Hey...truth be told, I'm attracted to you. But you and I both know you're taken so I can't talk to you like this anymore until that's sorted out. We can still be cool but I don't what things to get weird so lets keep it friendly ". I could have done that but nopes.. I continued putting myself in a position to fall inlove then tried to mask it by saying we're just friends, when I was interacting with him in a totally non-platonic way and then I was hurt and mad when I did fall in love and I was now in some mess with him and already attached and in justification-to-keep-the-attachment mode . You gotta nip it in the bud before you get to that point of attachment where you will do anything to keep the interaction going....

 

Prevention is better than cure. If you are friends or acquaintances with a man, then most likely you know his relationship status so therefore you don't need to put yourself in compromising positions esp once your attraction to him is apparent to you. Kind of like as a teen, with the whole "petting" thing. Kissing, "necking" and petting in a dark room will most likely lead to increased sexual arousal and that will lead you down the path to sex in a hot minute...so if you are not planning on having sex (and that is a boundary you have set for yourself from beforehand, which is the problem too, many people have no boundaries from beforehand so anything goes) then maybe you should just avoid that.

 

If a taken man wants to go to dinner alone with you? No thanks...He wants to call you at night time and have deep convos...no thanks and you can be straight up about if if he asks why not? You can tell him you're attracted to him, he's taken, you don't do taken and therefore you'd rather not put yourself in a position for things to escalate beyond friendship and if he wants more then he has to be single. His choice. It's like those unwritten rules and boundaries that you have for opposite sex friends who are married or taken. For example, I have male friends who I might have called up on the spur at 11 pm or text and ask a question when they're single, but once they get a gf, I realize it is kind of inappropriate and out of respect for this person they're dating and their relationship I am not going to do that. Or normally if I would invite him somewhere, now that he is taken, I extend the invitation to his S/O as well so that everything is on the up and up. That's what it's about IMO...being forthright and making your actions transparent instead of lying to yourself (which is the worst) and others and then acting surprised.

 

If you don't know a man and don't know his status and you fall for him, then that is a whole other matter...but it still comes down to once you find out, you make the choice to not proceed further. Also in this case, the reason you didn't know his status was because he didn't tell you. He knew it... so he was willfully misleading you...and therefore do you even need to be considering messing with him? Probably not.

 

OMG MissBee... You nailed it! I truly did not go looking for a MM (or any man for that matter) and I didn't instantly fall head over heels in love but there was an attraction at first but I knew he was married and consiously made an effort to keep those feelings at bay but he was very charming and we got to be very good friends before I lost control and could no longer control those feelings. I was vulnerable at the time in that I had sacrificed my own needs for 5 years and concentrated on my kids after I divorced so I missed having someone in my life. Then here comes this guy whom I had gotten to know who was paying attention to me. Saying very nice things and a family man. At first, I was able to keep it real but within a month or so, I fell and fell hard. It's been 2 years and if I knew then what I know now, I would have turned and RAN the other way.

 

So here is my problem... hind-sight is 20/20. I know what I shouldn't have done. I know all the places I went wrong and I take complete responsibility for my role in this and regret my boundaryless actions but... now that I'm here, I'm having one helluva time getting out. This love I have (and he has for me) gets in the way of doing the right thing.

 

I've been given soooo much GREAT advice from lots of you LS'ers and applied lots of it only to get right back where I am now - still in love with a MM. Does this mean I am a weak person with no self confidence??? Am I soo stupid that I cannot see things for real??? Have I sacrificed myself so much that now I'm a doormat??? I don't even know who I am anymore. I never would have believed in a million years that I would ever allow myself to be an OW and yet here I am... pathetic!

[Windblue]

so I'm glad to get responses. Yes, I am very quiet on here, because I read and learn from lots of the mistakes made on this site. I don't have an exit plan, as he lives with me. I have told him that when I feel that he's not progressing that he will have to move out. My reason for posting is that...yes...I am in limbo...and yes...usually these posts the relationship is either beginning or ending...I know no one cares, but I just thought Id give my update and see if anyone out there was in the same situation as me. My mm is not seeing his wife, at all...period...I do understand and agree that I have made a mistake of sticking around and letting him get comfortable, however I figured that all the other moves he made to leave his home all together was on him. We discussed him going home a few times, but I can't force him to do that, and I never asked him to leave his wife...He was already leaving. If you read my previous post...this didn't start as your average affar. We are friends first.

[Windblue]

I am just waiting around like other OW here. I wish I would've started out like OWoman...(who got married to her man) becuse she apparently didn't tolerate any of it until he left and divorced.

[MissBee]

OMG MissBee... You nailed it! I truly did not go looking for a MM (or any man for that matter) and I didn't instantly fall head over heels in love but there was an attraction at first but I knew he was married and consiously made an effort to keep those feelings at bay but he was very charming and we got to be very good friends before I lost control and could no longer control those feelings. I was vulnerable at the time in that I had sacrificed my own needs for 5 years and concentrated on my kids after I divorced so I missed having someone in my life. Then here comes this guy whom I had gotten to know who was paying attention to me. Saying very nice things and a family man. At first, I was able to keep it real but within a month or so, I fell and fell hard. It's been 2 years and if I knew then what I know now, I would have turned and RAN the other way.

 

So here is my problem... hind-sight is 20/20. I know what I shouldn't have done. I know all the places I went wrong and I take complete responsibility for my role in this and regret my boundaryless actions but... now that I'm here, I'm having one helluva time getting out. This love I have (and he has for me) gets in the way of doing the right thing.

 

I've been given soooo much GREAT advice from lots of you LS'ers and applied lots of it only to get right back where I am now - still in love with a MM. Does this mean I am a weak person with no self confidence??? Am I soo stupid that I cannot see things for real??? Have I sacrificed myself so much that now I'm a doormat??? I don't even know who I am anymore. I never would have believed in a million years that I would ever allow myself to be an OW and yet here I am... pathetic!

 

Yep hindsight is 20/20 and thank God for it...because now that I know exactly what happened and how, I'm pretty sure I'll never put myself in such a situation again.

 

I believe the situations and people you attract reflect your inner reality and where you are emotionally and spiritually.

 

It's not about looking at yourself as a weak person or stupid...it's realizing that maybe things are not exactly where they should be for you. I have always been a confident, outgoing, well spoken, intelligent person and would have never questioned my self worth....but the things I was doing in the realm of men and relationships painted a very different picture. That's actually the reality of many women. In every other sphere of their lives they are in control and have it together but in the realm of love and interpersonal relationships, it's a mess. It feels like a contradiction because intelligence and emotional intelligence are not the same at all. We don't learn good relationship habits and we don't develop subconscious beliefs about ourselves through schooling....we learn it inadvertently through our familial relationships and messages from society and it is no wonder that half the time it is messed up and you have to go through B.S. and actually consciously learn these things late in life. I'm glad I'm learning all these things now...

 

There's a great book called "Loving Him Without Losing You" by Beverly Engel. It is very insightful and explain this problem that many talented, gorgeous, intelligent, women face. It also provides tools on how to overcome that. It's not a thing to be ashamed about. We live in a broken society, half of marriages are gone to shyt so it is no surprise really that good examples for loving and being loved are hard to come by. People don't know and make stuff up as they go along or many people act from a place of lack and need and don't know how to fulfill that need so go about it in very misguided ways, doing the best they can but sometimes falling far off the mark. Many people go out in the world, educated, degreed and accomplished but have a void within them that no amount of money, prestige or outer relationships can fill...but by golly they'll try to make these things fill it and often do a fine job of making things even more messed up.

 

Learning about yourself and learning what good relationship habits are, how to love and be loved, uncovering the subconscious beliefs you have, assessing your relationship patterns and just exposing the inner you to the surface you and really SEEING yourself is so important...and it's something I try to do everyday and it is a process and sometimes it is ugly because you just can't believe the picture you're seeing. I realized that learning how to love and be loved and how to LOVE YOURSELF, foremost, are skills to be learned and practiced consciously like every other skill. It seems like it would be inherent and people never think they need to learn it, they just accept it as given and go on making a muck of their romantic life and even other love relationships.

 

I'm beautiful, intelligent and accomplished and I'm in my early twenties, and look forward to more years of being phenomenal and I am not ashamed to say that I have lost myself in relationships, I have had horrible relationship habits, I held subconscious beliefs about being unworthy that I didn't realize I held, I gave my power to men, I felt a relationship could fulfill me, I settled for crumbs from men, I accepted ridiculous things so as not to rock the boat so I could keep a man, I've been inauthentic, I've been an OW, I've overall been less-than the Queen I need to be and I've been ignorant of the fact that something was wrong. BUT...I accepted it, admitted it, and chose to do something different and to realize that it's something I can work on and something I SHOULD work on. I have worked on it, am working on it and will continue to work on it.

Edited June 16, 2011 by MissBee

[Loni]

I am just waiting around like other OW here. I wish I would've started out like OWoman...(who got married to her man) becuse she apparently didn't tolerate any of it until he left and divorced.

 

 

I tolerated it for quite a spell and when the date for action came and went with him not filing papers I kicked him out. We are married now.

 

There is absolutely no reason for a MM to divorce if his OW is not bugging him about it. The worst that can happen is that you force him to make a choice. Maybe that choice won't be you but at least you know where you stand.

[2sunny]

make a list of what YOU want - for YOU. and FROM YOU.

 

stick to your priority list - always keeping your best interest in mind.

 

IF he's not within the scope of that plan... he needs to move on.

 

you move forward...

[carrie999]

It quite makes sense....

 

Kind of like the house analogy I gave in another thread or even your dream car. If you see someone driving your dream car it would be rather irrational to insist that you MUST have that particular car that someone else owns. There are other cars like it, although they are not it, that you can be happy with, so it only makes sense to find one for yourself than get hung up about this already spoken for car and to figure out how you can get it or to arrange for that car owner to let you borrow it. It's too much especially if there are other cars that can very much fulfill that need (unless ofcourse you convince yourself that only that particular one will...which is plain false but we're good at making ourselves believe we must have a certain thing, even when often times life proves that nope...you can be very happy without this thing you insisted on having and sometimes, many times even, another thing comes along that is even more suited for you than the original thing you were fixated on). If one true love doesn't exist then it only makes sense that if someone you feel a connection with is already spoken for, you say "Aww shucks...too bad but good thing there are others".]

 

I like the car analogy, but it's very flawed if we're looking at it in terms of relationships. If you love a car THAT much, it has to be one you own, and it will require so much maintenance to keep it going for your lifetime that most people would think you're insane for putting in the time, effort, and money. I think I'd like the house analogy more because it fits better...though the only way to borrow a house is to rent it...yikes ;-) Either way, clever idea.

 

[ If it is real...the metaphorical sidewalk will still be there when the cement dries...and if not, then what kind of sidewalk and cement was it anyway? Not one you needed to be walking on for sure. If you feel you need to hold on to it for dear life,, twist and turn and accept an awkward situation (running, walking and hopping all over wet cement)....then that connection and love may not be so pure after all but built up around fears and quite transient.

 

That analogy I really like :-)

[LilyBart]

I am just waiting around like other OW here. I wish I would've started out like OWoman...(who got married to her man) becuse she apparently didn't tolerate any of it until he left and divorced.

 

Let me point out to you that OWoman (I'm pretty sure but I'm not positive, so someone correct me if I'm wrong) was involved with her MM for three years before he managed to get divorced......

[Silly_Girl]

Thanks for replying Miss Bee, I did feel there were some differences between your initial post and when you expanded, but not contradictions as such, just not more of the same. In your recent reply you talk of prevention, and not choosing a certain path, but initially you spoke about what you would say to your soulmate, so I was curious. Cheers

[Windblue]

points well taken. I just hate nagging...but your right...because he'll just sit around and do nothing further if I continue on. See the problem is that I'm starting to find out things that I dont like about him, things that he does things due to his experiences or just setting into his ways. So I'm havent been pushy about it. so I'm being careful what I wish for, (do I really want to be with him) I dont know. I've known him for a long time, and can't fall for him because of the type of "relationship" this is. and am kind of pulling back "resenting" him because he's taking his time to do whatever he needs to, to be with me. I will however have to make a move soon, I mean if it doesn't work, I really truly feel like "ok, oh well, we have to try this again meeting someone else" and just do it. I enjoy my time with him, he buys me things and gives me money, and sex is there, but rarely. maybe because he misses his wife, I don't know. But, one time we went a full month with no sex, and remind you we live together. Geez.

[MissBee]

Thanks for replying Miss Bee, I did feel there were some differences between your initial post and when you expanded, but not contradictions as such, just not more of the same. In your recent reply you talk of prevention, and not choosing a certain path, but initially you spoke about what you would say to your soulmate, so I was curious. Cheers

 

Well I was being facetious initially about the soulmate thing, saying that if a man is married to another woman, I am pretty sure he is not my soulmate but if somehow he is (or if I have convinced myself of such), then me not pursuing a romantic relationship while he is with another woman would not some how negate the soulmate thing and I can wait for him to sort that out before getting entangled in it.