Thinking about him hurts me...

[Still-lost]

Its 2 am right now and I just can't sleep. Everytime I try to; I think about "him". I'm sorry I just really have to pour my heart out because no one in my life truly understand how I feel. I just found this site today and read another womens story that inspired me to right my own experience.

 

I'm currently a junior in high school right now. I know everyone will write me off as soon as they see "high school student" but please don't. I have this teacher his name is "Mr. Smith". I think I might be in love with him... Many people will assume that as a teenager this is just a crush. I've had crushes before this is nothing like any of them.

 

It all started in the first few weeks of school when he began teaching I always said to myself "hey, he's cute". But as time went on I began to develop real feelings for him. I remember he told us he had an open door policy where we can see him if we're ever in need of someone. I never thought of it as anything cause I never really felt like I was ever going to talk to him until something really terrible occurred in my life. I showed up to class depressed and sleep deprived and he noticed. During class he decided to put me on the spot and asked if I was alright and obviously I said yes to avoid any drama but I truly wasn't and at the time I felt lost.

 

So I decided after class I will go to him for help. When I came in he asked if I was really alright I said no. I explained to him my situation and he responded "if anyone ever tries to hurt you like that again just tell me and I'll handle it". At that moment I felt touched but at the same time I just thought whatever he's a teacher their suppose to do that. Eventually overtime I continued to go into his class and try to have long discussions but he would always busy, nonetheless the quick conversations we had I'll always cherish.

 

So my feelings starting flourishing into something I never felt before. I felt so safe around him. I felt so warm in his presence. And I felt just amazing. But as usual he was married and has kids that's why I just assumed that this was a crush but now I feel so something undescribale. I find myself constantly thinking about him. Staying awake because when I close my eyes I see him. It hurts me so much knowing I'll never him. this is gonna sound really stupid but I cried because of this before. I just broke down one day thinking about all my emotions and feelings for him. Whenever I'm alone I just start think about mr. Smith and I get depressed I wish so much I could tell him my real emotions but I know that could never happen. And with me being gay also doesn't help.

 

Recently I've been so depressed but when I see mr. Smith I feel the sun shine again and I feel that my life has meaning. The only reason that I'm even going to school now is so that I can see his warm inviting smile. I try hard because I want to be noticed by him.

 

These emotions have been building inside of me for such a long time and finally telling my story I feel so good but it will never fill the void that's in my life.

Edited June 16, 2011 by Still-lost

[MissBee]

Lost:

 

Your feelings are legitimate even if you are in junior high; however, I will say that it is possible that you are having some displaced feelings about this man. You have not said what the "terrible thing" is that happened to you. You have expressed being lost and depressed over it and it is very possible that you have some unresolved feelings about this situation. Since Mr.Smith has taken you under his wing and is showing you care and attention and being a support for you in this time it actually makes sense that you would start to develop these types of feelings for him or for them to grow stronger. It happens often.

 

I think it is very hard to be sure of your feeling for him as being only that or if your emotional uncertainty and feelings of loss play into it. It's very common and I think perhaps you should find a guidance counselor or some other counselor (maybe not at your school since they know Mr.Smith) to talk to about the problems you're having in your life. You REALLY should! It will help you sort through things.

 

Being depressed over Mr.Smith, IMO is not only about him and the fact that you can't sleep at nights thinking about him etc. is very unhealthy. Even if he was a boy your age, it would still be unhealthy to be so troubled by unrequited love.

 

You may not believe it now...but you will get over this...trust me. Almost no one is still in love with their highschool bf much less someone they didn't have a chance to be with, so this too shall pass. If people can be married and get divorced and fall in love again then you will definitely get over him. I think you should start by talking to someone else about your problems and not him, as the more you talk to him, the more you will develop this obsessional type of desire for him that cannot be fulfilled.

 

I think once you start talking to a counselor and start working things out you may find you like him like that less and less. Trust me. Give it a try. But you're young and have your life ahead of you to love, get your heart broken, love again and be with a man that can and will love you back. Mr.Smith is a nice man I am sure but not the man for you and although it feels like he is and that you're so in love with him..feelings can be deceptive, trust me...even in adult women...if you read around the forums, so even more so in a young girl.

 

You''ll be fine See your guidance counselor about the "terrible thing" that happened or call one of those help lines. They have for depression, sexual assault, eating disorders, grief, anything. This site has various resources with hotline numbers that are in categories...at least one will be appropriate for you to call and just talk to somebody. They're all anonymous and free: http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines

 

Good luck and please keep us updated.

Edited June 16, 2011 by MissBee

[SidLyon]

Lost:

 

Your feelings are legitimate even if you are in junior high; however, I will say that it is possible that you are having some displaced feelings about this man. You have not said what the "terrible thing" is that happened to you. You have expressed being lost and depressed over it and it is very possible that you have some unresolved feelings about this situation. Since Mr.Smith has taken you under his wing and is showing you care and attention and being a support for you in this time it actually makes sense that you would start to develop these types of feelings for him or for them to grow stronger. It happens often.

 

I think it is very hard to be sure of your feeling for him as being only that or if your emotional uncertainty and feelings of loss play into it. It's very common and I think perhaps you should find a guidance counselor or some other counselor (maybe not at your school since they know Mr.Smith) to talk to about the problems you're having in your life. You REALLY should! It will help you sort through things.

 

Being depressed over Mr.Smith, IMO is not only about him and the fact that you can't sleep at nights thinking about him etc. is very unhealthy. Even if he was a boy your age, it would still be unhealthy to be so troubled by unrequited love.

 

You may not believe it now...but you will get over this...trust me. Almost no one is still in love with their highschool bf much less someone they didn't have a chance to be with, so this too shall pass. If people can be married and get divorced and fall in love again then you will definitely get over him. I think you should start by talking to someone else about your problems and not him, as the more you talk to him, the more you will develop this obsessional type of desire for him that cannot be fulfilled.

 

I think once you start talking to a counselor and start working things out you may find you like him like that less and less. Trust me. Give it a try. But you're young and have your life ahead of you to love, get your heart broken, love again and be with a man that can and will love you back. Mr.Smith is a nice man I am sure but not the man for you and although it feels like he is and that you're so in love with him..feelings can be deceptive, trust me...even in adult women...if you read around the forums, so even more so in a young girl.

 

You''ll be fine See your guidance counselor about the "terrible thing" that happened or call one of those help lines. They have for depression, sexual assault, eating disorders, grief, anything. This site has various resources with hotline numbers that are in categories...at least one will be appropriate for you to call and just talk to somebody. They're all anonymous and free: http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines

 

Good luck and please keep us updated.

 

I gather this poster is a young boy, does that change your advice MissBee?

 

Either way I agree that he needs to speak to a school counselor. I am suspicious of this Mr Smith's behavior. Even if the OP "consents" to anything there is still potential for Mr Smith to abuse his position. The OP also will have additional issues with being gay and possibly coming out to family and friends.

 

Lost: Please try to find someone to talk to who will genuinely help you and not abuse you or his position. A class teacher is not always equipped to properly deal with all student problems.

[MissBee]

I gather this poster is a young boy, does that change your advice MissBee?

 

Either way I agree that he needs to speak to a school counselor. I am suspicious of this Mr Smith's behavior. Even if the OP "consents" to anything there is still potential for Mr Smith to abuse his position. The OP also will have additional issues with being gay and possibly coming out to family and friends.

 

Lost: Please try to find someone to talk to who will genuinely help you and not abuse you or his position. A class teacher is not always equipped to properly deal with all student problems.

 

 

I somehow overlooked that part, thanks....but the advice still remains the same in terms of not relying on the teacher, it being displaced emotions, seeking a counselor's help to resolve the prior issue and him being able to move on and live and love an appropriate person for him.

 

There are hotlines, especially now with the new campaign fighting against gay, teen, suicides, that Lost can call for advice. You will find people who are trained to deal with various issues, and those specific to LGBTQ teens and can provide even more resources.

 

There is one such site called: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ that even has a live chat and the help line number, it says

 

If you are a youth who is feeling alone, confused or in crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR for immediate help.

Edited June 16, 2011 by MissBee

[Still-lost]

Honestly I'm fine with being gay I act like it, people know about, not my family but I don't really care. thank you for the advice. I recently confronted him about not caring about my problems and just ignoring them the only thing he said was thats not true. I got REALLY angry because now when I look back whenever I tried to talk to him I get "teacher" responses like "that's life" and what not. It's gonna be so tough trying to move on because I recently found out he was going to be my teacher again next year... For now I think I just might keep my feelings to myself and try to get back on good terms with him because we are good friends and I don't want something stupid like my crazy feelings for him to get in the way of things. It just really hurts when I see him but I guess for now I have to deal with them.

Edited June 16, 2011 by Still-lost