Observation of feelings after Broken NC by exAP

[FightClub]

Something occurred to me today when I woke up, I'm not sure what the dream was about beyond some weird reflections & memories within the dream involving exAP.

 

I believe I've come to a point where I can openly say when my exMW broke contact, a small part of me thought maybe it was a sign of change, that something fundamental had changed, that there was more to it.

 

What's amusing is I see that now, a few weeks after the fact that nothing had truly changed. While pieces of 'closure' were coming through in the letter, it was just filled with doubt, mentioning songs about lost love soul mates, doubts about her choices and more questions rather than any real significant answers

 

When I was younger and without the vast knowledge of experiences and support I've had here on LS, I believe I would have responded not knowing it would provide the exAP temporary relief for whatever she was feeling in the moment, selfishly or not. The hurt is still there, sometimes the memory picks up again and the end result is the same, intentional or not she made a choice to stay.

 

Recognizing that some people are unhappy no matter the living arrangements, single or married, I believe you truly have to live with yourself and be comfortable with that inner silence to be with the right person.

 

I see that about her now, regardless of how things would have happened, part of me thinks even with me she would still have had a problem being with that silence. I don't know if that would have been enough to sustain a LTR with her given those thoughts in hindsight.

 

Sometimes it's true that affairs can be circumstantial, you meet someone and share a great connection and when one or both parties has a moment of vulnerability or weakness, you make poor decisions without proper boundaries.

 

Neither she nor I can take back those hours and days of communication or the night we spent together, but I can't help but feel my No Contact helped me find clarity to start moving further towards the life I want.

 

It does sadden me to mourn the loss of the fantasy, reality and the love I felt with this woman. Some days I do miss the conversations, the connection and what I felt and then I remember the pain when suddenly it was all gone, though I also see how selfish I was in continuing knowing she married, I accept my part in the affair after seven months, I continue to forgive her & myself for our choices.

 

Walking away from her when she made a choice hurt a lot, walking away I was hurt but I do feel that it was necessary to do in order to move on. I don't know what the world has in store for me as time goes on but I can only hope someone even better comes along one day and we can have an amazing relationship without the restrictions that affairs provide.

 

In the end, if you can't do something good, do something right and even though the pain creeps in every so often, I did what was best for both of us.

 

Hopefully one day, the pain will continue to fade and in it's place will be new memories, good memories...good memories that can save your life.

 

-FC

Edited June 16, 2011 by FightClub

[MissBee]

Lovely post....great for you!

[East7]

Hey FC,

 

I hear you my friend.

 

It hurts like hell ! the whole thing....what-if's, why did she chose to stay, that amazing feeling that is gone forever...

 

.

 

What's amusing is I see that now, a few weeks after the fact that nothing had truly changed. While pieces of 'closure' were coming through in the letter, it was just filled with doubt, mentioning songs about lost love soul mates, doubts about her choices and more questions rather than any real significant answers

 

I have been through that too. You give a second chance, a third, a forth....hoping that things have changed and she has made up her mind to leave and be with you. You receive so many ILYs, miss-you's but nothing of that is transformed in actions, only rambling, supporting her through- what in fact is - just a withdrawal.

 

Recognizing that some people are unhappy no matter the living arrangements, single or married, I believe you truly have to live with yourself and be comfortable with that inner silence to be with the right person.

I'm not sure about this. As my friend TigerCub says "No one is where they don't want to be" - She is staying because she is comfortable, she is where she WANTS to stay. Facing the reality that she picked her H, no matter how bitter it is, is the indispensable step you need to take to heal.

Why she decided to stay doesn't matter ! only the result counts.

 

It does sadden me to mourn the loss of the fantasy, reality and the love I felt with this woman. Some days I do miss the conversations, the connection and what I felt and then I remember the pain when suddenly it was all gone, though I also see how selfish I was in continuing knowing she married, I accept my part in the affair after seven months, I continue to forgive her & myself for our choices.

Again I understand you so well...It is normal to mourn it because thats how people move on. You miss the love you had for this woman, because you were real. You were not cheating, sneaking around, you were not the one to keep 2 persons hostage of your selfish feelings.

 

Walking away from her when she made a choice hurt a lot, walking away I was hurt but I do feel that it was necessary to do in order to move on. I don't know what the world has in store for me as time goes on but I can only hope someone even better comes along one day and we can have an amazing relationship without the restrictions that affairs provide.

 

In the end, if you can't do something good, do something right and even though the pain creeps in every so often, I did what was best for both of us.

She had no benefit to stp it or let you go. SHe was having it all. You did the right choice becauause you were having nothing but crumbs while she had it all, an official partner and a hidden one.

 

Hopefully one day, the pain will continue to fade and in it's place will be new memories, good memories...good memories that can save your life.

 

-FC

It does fade away. Time heals the worst ordeals. When you will be with someone else you will realise how painful and torturing a R with someone married is. It gives you small amazing moments that are wonderful but that you pay so expensive, 1 day of joy with 100 of pain.

When you will have someone 100% for you it will make a BIG difference.

[chalkfarm]

Hey FC,

It does fade away. Time heals the worst ordeals. When you will be with someone else you will realise how painful and torturing a R with someone married is. It gives you small amazing moments that are wonderful but that you pay so expensive, 1 day of joy with 100 of pain.

When you will have someone 100% for you it will make a BIG difference.

Isn't this just conjecture? An assumption? An "ideal"?

 

What if it never fades? What if there is never a 100% relationship?

[Breezy Trousers]

Isn't this just conjecture? An assumption? An "ideal"?

 

What if it never fades? What if there is never a 100% relationship?

 

The problem in all relationships -- affairs or not -- is when we make something outside of ourselves responsible for our happiness.

 

The point is to have a 100 percent relationship with yourself (in the highest sense). When you get that, your attachment to having a 100% relationship with someone outside of you will fade. (And that's usually when a 100% relationship pops up. Precisely when you don't need it or particularly want it.)

 

Having a relationship with a married person is like trying to drive a car with your foot on the brake. It won't go anywhere. Not usually. For most married people, that's precisely the point.

 

I liked FightClub's quote:

 

In the end, if you can't do something good, do something right and even though the pain creeps in every so often, I did what was best for both of us.

Infidelity/affairs/betrayal can cause you so much pain that you're forced to have a deeper relationship with yourself (FightClub's "inner silence") -- or you can avoid all that and continue to focus outside yourself and repeat unconscious patterns.

 

FightClub is "losing" but, by losing, everyone is winning --- most of all, FightClub, who is connecting with that inner silence as a result of the experience. To me, that's the only point of these experiences.

 

That's how I interpret this, anyway ... Cheers, FightClub!

[MissBee]

The problem in all relationships -- affairs or not -- is when we make something outside of ourselves responsible for our happiness.

 

The point is to have a 100 percent relationship with yourself (in the highest sense). When you get that, your attachment to having a 100% relationship with someone outside of you will fade. (And that's usually when a 100% relationship pops up. Precisely when you don't need it or particularly want it.)

 

Having a relationship with a married person is like trying to drive a car with your foot on the brake. It won't go anywhere. Not usually. For most married people, that's precisely the point.

 

I liked FightClub's quote:

 

In the end, if you can't do something good, do something right and even though the pain creeps in every so often, I did what was best for both of us.

Infidelity/affairs/betrayal can cause you so much pain that you're forced to have a deeper relationship with yourself (FightClub's "inner silence") -- or you can avoid all that and continue to focus outside yourself and repeat unconscious patterns.

 

FightClub is "losing" but, by losing, everyone is winning --- most of all, FightClub, who is connecting with that inner silence as a result of the experience. To me, that's the only point of these experiences.

 

That's how I interpret this, anyway ... Cheers, FightClub!

 

I couldn't agree more!

[chalkfarm]

 

The point is to have a 100 percent relationship with yourself (in the highest sense). When you get that, your attachment to having a 100% relationship with someone outside of you will fade. (And that's usually when a 100% relationship pops up. Precisely when you don't need it or particularly want it.)

 

This is crap-ola. The old "when you least expect it" scenario. The "when you aren't looking" bull*****. How many people have knocked on the door of a single person and presented themselves as the person they have been looking for (sorry - NOT looking for)?

 

These are fairy tales made up to make the single person, the ugly girl, feel better. "Honey, if you just stop looking and listen to your inner silence, you will find the right guy". BULL*****!

[Emme]

FC that was a great post. I have my days where the pain is just crippling and what makes me move forward is to know it's all for the best. No matter how much anger tries to creep up into my senses I fight it. No negativity... just positive reinforcement. The past is the past and that's exactly where I'm leaving it.

[Breezy Trousers]

This is crap-ola. The old "when you least expect it" scenario. The "when you aren't looking" bull*****. How many people have knocked on the door of a single person and presented themselves as the person they have been looking for (sorry - NOT looking for)?

 

These are fairy tales made up to make the single person, the ugly girl, feel better. "Honey, if you just stop looking and listen to your inner silence, you will find the right guy". BULL*****!

 

 

Nope. Speaking from experience here. I was doing work on myself for two years and absolutely wasn't interested in dating anyone when my roommate nudged me, pointed to a guy at our New Years Open House and said, "Isn't he hot?" I told her the guy was good looking, but not my type. That guy and I have been together for 22 years now. Love of my life. Soul mate.

True story.

[East7]

This is crap-ola. The old "when you least expect it" scenario. The "when you aren't looking" bull*****. How many people have knocked on the door of a single person and presented themselves as the person they have been looking for (sorry - NOT looking for)?

 

These are fairy tales made up to make the single person, the ugly girl, feel better. "Honey, if you just stop looking and listen to your inner silence, you will find the right guy". BULL*****!

 

 

This is kind of harsh... I agree to some extend with Breezy.

 

I don't want to T/J but i need to make my point.

 

When I 'met' xMW I was not looking for someone, she and I were friends for about a year before the A, I knew she was married and I was kind of indifferent. After one year there were things that triggered the attraction and we become closer. I also think that it was the point when her marriage was really dysfunctional which eased the process. I would never think in a zillion years I would have something with her. I did have..

 

From my life experience, I always have met women and had my best relationships when I least expected it !

It was a proven rule for myself. Maybe because it was when I was the less needy, being myself without trying too hard to get attention.

 

I am not saying that OP needs to sit there and wait, I'm just saying it is worthless to try too hard to date. Having an active life, going out, having hobbies and socializing are the best recipes to meeting women in a natural way.

[FightClub]

I have to agree with BreezyTrousers & East7,

 

When my exAP and I were talking more frequently and getting deeper in our conversations, at the same time I was involved in a loveless relationship that I ended and exMW was having issues at home with her H.

 

If one or two of those things never happened, I don't think it would have triggered the deeper interest in each other; We both thought to ourselves, what if this person is a much better choice than the partners we were with? Of course, I figured that out way after the fact, but I know it's a question we subconsciously asked ourselves with vague, indirect questions to each other verbally.

 

We were testing the waters, seeing how each other would react.

 

It's interesting being able to recognize that now as opposed to not seeing it when I was deep in the EA.

 

As always, the input is incredible guys!

 

-FC

[chalkfarm]

This is kind of harsh... I agree to some extend with Breezy.

 

I don't want to T/J but i need to make my point.

 

When I 'met' xMW I was not looking for someone, she and I were friends for about a year before the A, I knew she was married and I was kind of indifferent. After one year there were things that triggered the attraction and we become closer. I also think that it was the point when her marriage was really dysfunctional which eased the process. I would never think in a zillion years I would have something with her. I did have..

 

From my life experience, I always have met women and had my best relationships when I least expected it !

It was a proven rule for myself. Maybe because it was when I was the less needy, being myself without trying too hard to get attention.

 

I am not saying that OP needs to sit there and wait, I'm just saying it is worthless to try too hard to date. Having an active life, going out, having hobbies and socializing are the best recipes to meeting women in a natural way.

Breezy is saying that you can have a 100% relationship when you stop looking. You weren't looking and you got a crumbs only relationship. I wasn't looking and I got EVISCERATED. We were not looking and we still got the wrong, bad, hurtful, painful, lonely, crappy, lying relationship. Not that fantasy 100%.

 

The old adage of getting the relationship of your dreams when you aren't looking is a fairy tale!! It is told to us when others are tired of hearing us bemoan our situations. People want to shut up others when they are feeling lonely.

Edited June 18, 2011 by chalkfarm

[Breezy Trousers]

Breezy is saying that you can have a 100% relationship when you stop looking. You weren't looking and you got a crumbs only relationship. I wasn't looking and I got EVISCERATED. We were not looking and we still got the wrong, bad, hurtful, painful, lonely, crappy, lying relationship. Not that fantasy 100%.

 

The old adage of getting the relationship of your dreams when you aren't looking is a fairy tale!! It is told to us when others are tired of hearing us bemoan our situations. People want to shut up others when they are feeling lonely.

 

I'm saying: If you have a relationship with your true self, you won't need to look for any relationship. You won't believe that someone outside of yourself will be the source of your happiness because you've already found it within yourself.

 

I feel lonely sometimes, like everyone else. But I still agree with a teacher, Byron Katie, who said it's not possible to be lonely -- people are everywhere -- on the TV, on the street, in the grocery store. You can't get away from us! It's our concepts in our minds which cause us to believe in loneliness and separation. Connection is always available to us once we see through the concepts that block our awareness of this fact.

As long as we believe the concepts, we will suffer. It's an undoing of these concepts that brings us peace, not a getting a special relationship, or more stuff, more attention, more success.

 

Of course, it's easier said than done. The world teaches an entirely different curriculum from the truth. We all get sucked into it.

 

I wasn't looking, either, yet MM approached me. If I had the self-awareness and knowledge in 2008 that I have today, it's unlikely I would have been attracted to him. In fact, I think I was attracted to MM so I could learn these lessons. That was the entire point of MM coming into my life. As I've taken responsibility & learned more of what I needed to learn this year - and the learning has been intense & ongoing -- my anger toward him has gradually evaporated. He's increasingly a neutral figure in my life. I hope someday I can bless him and mean it. It's very likely. Just not today.

 

If we don't learn the lessons now, they'll just visit us again in a different form later on. I'm convinced of that.

 

Of course, people are likely to disagree with this viewpoint and dismiss it as airy fairy. No harm there.

[chalkfarm]

I'm saying: If you have a relationship with your true self, you won't need to look for any relationship. You won't believe that someone outside of yourself will be the source of your happiness because you've already found it within yourself.

 

This is an assumption. Many of the OW on this board classified themselves as intelligent, thoughtful, introspective, happy, and successful before the MM appeared. The MMs presence and promises left these women shells of their previous selves.

 

According to other threads, the strength and resolve (boundaries) of the OW melted due to poor timing (huge problems at work, death of a loved one, illness, etc) not a need for happiness outside of "self".

[Breezy Trousers]

This is an assumption. Many of the OW on this board classified themselves as intelligent, thoughtful, introspective, happy, and successful before the MM appeared. The MMs presence and promises left these women shells of their previous selves.

 

According to other threads, the strength and resolve (boundaries) of the OW melted due to poor timing (huge problems at work, death of a loved one, illness, etc) not a need for happiness outside of "self".

 

 

My experience supports what you write. I had a significant loss the year my experience began. However, affairs tempt us with the notion that the AP can provide us with something we are lacking, even if we're not conscious of that "lack" at the time. In my case, it was flattery by a powerful man at work, and work was where I felt insecure & depressed at the time. And I was thrilled and easily flattered by this man's pursuit and wanted more of that, believing he was the source of those positive, exciting feelings. Really, the stories I was believing about him were the source of those feelings, and the stories were lies, and the lies were all mine. Yes, he pursued, but I responded. Turns out he was far from a knight in shining armor out to rescue and protect me. Believing that illusion was my fault, not his.

 

There are no true victims if we had an affair knowing AP was married. We signed up for it. That's the hardest thing to acknowledge.

 

Not every experience will be the same, of course. I understand that.

Edited June 19, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[chalkfarm]

My experience supports what you write. I had a significant loss the year my experience began. However, affairs tempt us with the notion that the AP can provide us with something we are lacking, even if we're not conscious of that "lack" at the time. In my case, it was flattery by a powerful man at work, and work was where I felt insecure & depressed at the time. And I was thrilled and easily flattered by this man's pursuit and wanted more of that, believing he was the source of those positive, exciting feelings. Really, the stories I was believing about him were the source of those feelings, and the stories were lies, and the lies were all mine. Yes, he pursued, but I responded. Turns out he was far from a knight in shining armor out to rescue and protect me. Believing that illusion was my fault, not his.

 

There are no true victims if we had an affair knowing AP was married. We signed up for it. That's the hardest thing to acknowledge.

 

Not every experience will be the same, of course. I understand that.

There is absolutely a victim in some affairs. Yes, the OW is generally knowingly involved but she is lied to and promises are made. She is manipulated.

 

I think of it as a con equatable to stories of the elderly being taken for there life savings by a smooth talker. Yes, the older person gave the money away but they were conned. They were victimized. Why are we so forgiving of the person losing their life savings but we vilify the OW who has sacrificed her self worth and personal value?

 

In my mind, I refuse to allow my xMM to get off scott free. I refuse to continue to make him that "perfect guy who just happened to be married". From my perspective, by not allowing an OW to feel used, abused, and yes, victimized she will potentially live with this guy in her heart/mind as the perfect yet unattainable man.

 

This is something I am having a terrible time with - I feel I wasn't good enough. I know intellectually that this is not true but emotionally I feel I wasn't up to par. I have to believe he was a flawed user..... a victimizer, an abuser. Otherwise, it was all me.

[growingpains]

Sometimes it's true that affairs can be circumstantial, you meet someone and share a great connection and when one or both parties has a moment of vulnerability or weakness, you make poor decisions without proper boundaries.

 

Neither she nor I can take back those hours and days of communication or the night we spent together, but I can't help but feel my No Contact helped me find clarity to start moving further towards the life I want.

 

It does sadden me to mourn the loss of the fantasy, reality and the love I felt with this woman. Some days I do miss the conversations, the connection and what I felt and then I remember the pain when suddenly it was all gone, though I also see how selfish I was in continuing knowing she married, I accept my part in the affair after seven months, I continue to forgive her & myself for our choices.

 

Walking away from her when she made a choice hurt a lot, walking away I was hurt but I do feel that it was necessary to do in order to move on. I don't know what the world has in store for me as time goes on but I can only hope someone even better comes along one day and we can have an amazing relationship without the restrictions that affairs provide.

 

In the end, if you can't do something good, do something right and even though the pain creeps in every so often, I did what was best for both of us.

 

Hopefully one day, the pain will continue to fade and in it's place will be new memories, good memories...good memories that can save your life.

 

-FC

 

FC I can identify with this bit so much. And know that these decisions are not easy on either side.

 

The pain that creeps in would probably only be worse if we gave into those feelings.

 

I'm hoping it fades too but I'm sure someone that can give you the relationship you deserve will come along soon, once the fantasy of what was starts to slip into the background.

 

GP

[FightClub]

Growingpains,

 

It's interesting you mention that it's not easy on either side of the breakup, something occurred to me the other day that I must have forgotten.

 

When I was tempted to respond for a moment, to clarify to her, I remembered that she already knew where I stood on my feelings about her and us, as a matter of fact the last thing I wrote her when I was in her hometown was that everything felt 'very real' to me and that I cared about her and understood, that from that point on I was going to head home and not look back.

 

It took me a few weeks since that e-mail she sent to really put things in perspective and learn from my continued NC, I'd venture to say I've learned more in these eight months about my life with her, why things played out a certain way and grown to the point that I did it without having to talk to her about it.

 

Therefore it wouldn't of been necessary to tell her again, she already knows. I think a big part of a her was trying to clarify ( for herself ) in that e-mail how she felt, that it was very real for her but not enough to make the changes for her own life, that she was guilty because she wasn't confident enough to make decisions without seeing the damage that it would cause everyone.

 

A big part of me is very confident and happy, I have 'the sight' now, I can clearly see where I'm going from this point on and I can easily look back on everything I learned in hindsight, she was a big inspiration & support when I was in the darkest time in my life, slowly making my way forward to where I am going now.

 

For that I will never be ashamed and I will always be thankful for the time I spent, I felt passionate about life again, I can only hope things work out for the best on both ends.

 

In some ways, I'm okay just knowing what it feels like now, I've never felt that strong of an emotion until now.

 

I have faith that everything happens for a reason, we have to choose to do what's right for ourselves and those we love in order to find happiness, forgiving our past and looking forward to the future.

 

Purpose, it's what defines who & how we are going to change the world or more specifically...our own personal world.

 

-FC

Edited June 25, 2011 by FightClub

[growingpains]

FC, thanks for posting this. It's very encouraging to know that you've come this far and are now able to look at it this way.

 

I completely get the bit where you've said you don't have to tell her again, she already knows. This is how I feel and what I keep reminding myself when my mind starts tricking me to just respond and be 'civil'. I know I've said everything before, maybe not that recently, but they know the issues and nothing is really going to change that until the situation itself changes.

 

I've had some rough moments in the past week about it all but I'm so glad to say I read here and got through it. I'm feeling stronger as time goes on.

 

I hope you continue to too.

 

GP