Soul Survivor Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I met T when I was 20 and he was 27 and married one year. He was stationed at a military base, while his wife stayed on at their home in a neighboring state. We were together (lived together) and in love for about six months, and at that point he completed his service time, and went home. I was so young, and fresh out of my parents' hellish homes. I was afraid of my feelings for him, very self-protective, and never told him how much I wanted him to stay. Too, I felt I had no right to ask him for anything because I knew he was married from the start, and I initiated our relationship, 28 years ago. He was my only soulmate. I've carried momentos from our time together all these years, throughout two marriages. I love my husband dearly and I am and will forever be grateful for him, but I have always carried a torch for T and always will. As we all do, I guess, I thought someday there would come a time when I would make contact with him again, but, because I didn't hear from him, I thought he was probably happy and established and I didn't want to interfere. Through the years I have searched for T online, only to find very basic info about him. Last month I found his obituary online. He died two years after I knew him (at 29) in a very self-destructive, public manner. I have been beside myself with this delayed grief and have not spoken in depth to anyone about it. The very strange part of the story is that, as it turns out, his nephew is somewhat famous and I've seen his videos on YouTube...he is almost the same age T was when I knew him. They look so much alike and it's a very strange torture that I know I am bringing on myself. I don't know how to cope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Survivor Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 Thanks for any advice, perspective or commiseration in advance, it is appreciated... Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Oh SS, that's awful. Quite a complex grief that few people can identify with. I think sometimes it hits us hard when it's someone from way back. There was a boy I was good friends with all through school, we were born on the same day. Finally tracked his sister down on FB and found out his heart had given out some 10 years before. It oddly felt like a real shock. Not the same situation as you, I know, but it's surprising how strong the impact can be. Sometimes these things become even more emotional because they trigger us to take stock of our own lives and feelings. I hope you feel better soon. Keep posting. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Survivor Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 It means so much to be able to talk about it without being judged or dismissed. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 (edited) I can't even imagine how this must feel While I was in my OW scenario, I actually thought about that and it was one of the "reality slaps" that made me end it, because I asked him what would happen if God forbid something happened to him? Where would I be? I wouldn't have a legitimate place in his life, I would probably not even know about his funeral and if I did find out even being there while his legitimate gf is at the front grieving and being comforted, would be further torture. No one would acknowledge me and I would be ALONE with what we had...exiled...never being able to express it like she will be able to, never having someone feel as bad for me and acknowledging me at his funeral, having to grieve in silence or without the whole world finding it acceptable...that scared me so much, kept me up at nights and broke my heart to think of that possibility. I knew I couldn't keep it up when I thought of that. I figured if we broke it off and were just friends or didn't speak then the blow wouldn't be as hard as if we were actively involved. Now you're living a similar experience and I can just imagine the pain. Perhaps having your own ritual to kind of get closure would help. Writing him a goodbye letter, allowing yourself to cry and to just speak to his spirit and say your feelings about him and then do something symbolic to close that chapter. That may help for you to not only come to terms with his death but also with the ending of the relationship. Edited June 16, 2011 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Survivor Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 I'm at the stage where I talk to him quite a bit, to clarify everything I left unsaid... And I'm learning that I can't let that happen again, be too afraid to express what I feel. The amazing thing about this board is that once I got it out, and I felt as if I was understood, the pain was so much less! It's a wonderful thing, to be heard... Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Hi Soul Survivor, I'm so sorry for your pain. That is such a sad sad story. I think you're doing well by talking to him. It helps to say what needs to be said. ***HUGS*** Link to post Share on other sites
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