Unrequited - how do I move on?

[starlings]

I'm in love with a friend of mine. It's been more than a year of that endless cycle of periods of closeness between us -- lots of talking, lots of contact, me feeling exhilarated and hopeful -- and then periods of... well, the opposite. On those days, I actually feel depressed and angry (with myself, with him), just because he hasn't texted or wanted to hang out or whatever.

 

I feel paranoid and low everytime I see him talking to other women. There was a point where he (for lack of a better term) favored me, and only talked to me, and spent all his free time with me. But now I see he befriends lots of women. I wasn't really as special as I thought I was. Now, on top of feeling not attractive enough, I generally feel not good enough, to have not kept his attention.

 

THIS IS STUPID.I can't believe I'm in this space. I never thought I'd ever feel like this, or do this, for anyone! I am also incredibly exhausted, and angry at myself for wallowing in this.

 

Because I am wallowing, just like an idiot. Because there's always that part of you that thinks it's all going to work out, he's going to make a move (because sex! sex will fix this! christ), or I admit my feelings, and it's not a disaster. Ha! Yeah, I'm hurt and bitter. God, it feels like a knife in the chest every time I realize -- fully realize -- that he just doesn't feel the same way.

 

Look, he's a good guy. He's never strung me along, and I should've known what I was getting into. I'm in my late 20's, he's in his mid 30's. We're not kids. But we've been friends for two years; we take classes together, so I've been seeing him regularly for this entire time. This is part of why I can't get myself unstuck -- this guy is now a regular part of my life. We have friends in common, so I can't cold-turkey this, I can't just NC. I can barely pull away because I always pull away in resentment and anger, and that doesn't feel right either.

 

I don't know what I'm asking. Well, no, I do. I'm in love with a friend, but I still want them in my life... but this is unhealthy and I need to move on. I keep praying some other guy will just appear in my life to take this all away, but I can't bank on that. Men I can fall for -- really fall for -- appear so rarely in my life.

 

How do you move on? In little ways, in practical ways. I don't even know.

 

Thanks for reading. I really needed to let it out.

[photogeek]

Time and time is the only thing honestly that helps. I was in the same position, fell for my best female friend after knowing her for like 8 months. Seriously fell for her, couldn't eat and stuff. But that was over a year ago, and I can say I am truly over her. It was difficult, I kept thinking about her, wanting something to grow out of nothing, and so that hope lingered in me. I kept trying excuses to not like her, those didn't help. But eventually I just got over her, started looking at other people, and can honestly say I am over her.

[starlings]

Not to belabor a point, but... how did you do this? Serious question.

 

When she texted, did you stop replying? Stopped hanging out altogether? Are you still friends?

[somedude81]

Does he know you're interested in him?

[cerridwen]

Though you're skeptical you can connect with someone else, best to try.

 

Start trying to date.

Put it out to your friends that you're interested (in case they know someone). Online date, if you're into that.

Open up your awareness of other males in your orbit.

 

To not try and develop an interest in others, is to continue to fixate on this unrequited love.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[WTRanger]

So you are basing this on what you see with his actions with other girls, then making wild assumptions? Have you actually tried to make a move on him? Many times in these situations, both sides are sitting back thinking they are in the friendszone. When in reality, they are just too hesitant to make a move but both want it to progress further.

 

Or, he's just not interested. Better to make a move and get shot down than to never do anything at all. At least if you make an attempt, you know you tried and there just wasn't anything more for you to do. But if you sit back you will be forever haunted by the what-if ghosts.

 

The best way is to ask him out for drinks, have a few, get a little touchy feely with him and see where it goes. If it fails, it was the booze. But at least you'll know for certain instead of guessing.

[photogeek]

Not to belabor a point, but... how did you do this? Serious question.

 

When she texted, did you stop replying? Stopped hanging out altogether? Are you still friends?

 

I would reply, I just would stop getting that anxiety and anticipation of waiting for her to reply, and I kept my initiations of conversations to a minimum. I did the same with hanging out with her, I found myself when I liked her to keep hanging out with her, I would be the one to ask her, so instead of I reversed it. Stopped completely asking her to hang out, but if it was with mutual friends then I would sometimes go. And yep, I would still say we are friends, maybe not as close as we used to be, but still friends, still hang out, still occasionally talk- id prefer this then having completely lost her.

[trueluV]

Hi starlings, thought i was reading my own post!

 

I've posted up 'a lot' on my guy friend, who i am crazy about, and mine is going on for 4 years now...

I know how frustrating it is, and how it puts us on an emotional roller coaster.

I felt exactly what you are feeling, sometimes thinking i am so stupid and wanted to move on so bad, wanted to know how i can detach myself from him.

gosh, it is so hard. last summer, i just had to confess to him i have feelings for him-returned with simply a "thank you", we'll keep a friendship.

actually we are not too intimate, no regular sex, but we do have it like once a while (once a year or two sort of...), so i know he doesn't use me.

I know he cares a lot about me. but..why?? why aren't things progressing as normal guy/girl relationship??

 

i know he's not gonna change now but i have a stupid faith that he'll come to me someday. i tried and tried to meet other people, not contact him, not meet him, tried to date other people, ....but....NOTHING WORKED

 

even i tell myself i want to be really strong this time and not see him so i can detach myself from him, once i see him, even in many months gap, all of my feelings come back.

 

i'm sorry i have no answer for you, but it really feels like you have very intense emotions and feelings for this guy. i'd say cherish it. that's what i am doing....

[leighaxox]

You really need to keep yourself busy. Start dating. I've been in this situation before, and the best thing you can do is date! Once you realise how many amazing (and gorgeous!) men there are out there, you'll be able to move on. Try a plenty of fish profile. Women get so many emails on there. Before you know it, you'll have a new date every night - and who knows?! Maybe you'll find a guy you really hit it off with!!

[DreamerGirl27]

Have I stumbled upon my doppleganger in the form of posts on loveshack?

 

I'm in the same situation, know a guy from college, have had classes with him, though I'm hoping that is ending soon (we have the same major, so we're bound to run into each other) and I have let him know how I feel only to get friend zoned and friend zoned hard. He talks to me almost ever night online, but refuses to call me because he will not call anyone who is not his girlfriend.

 

I guess I am slowly getting over him (I'm lying, I'm not), but more just accepting that nothing is happening. I'll probably never get over him, I feel like he is my first love in a way, at least, the first guy I've ever felt this strongly about. I dream about him practically every night and you can't control your dreams, so that drives me nuts.

 

People have told me to contact, but I nearly almost felt worse when I tried that and that only lasted for 5 days. I took him off my profile and then added him back. I cracked. I couldn't help it.

 

I think I have it worse than you. I've known him for 2 years, been talking for a little over a year and a half and when I met him, it was almost instant that I liked him, though I didn't really know it at first. My first reaction was just, "wow, I have to get to know this guy because what if I don't and I never see him again?" so I blindly went looking for him online and found his profile, befriended him, totally expecting him to ignore me like every other guy in my past has done and he totally shocked and surprised me and started talking to me and hanging around me at school and stuff.

 

So, I definitely made a friend. I just want more and he doesn't.

 

I've spent many nights crying about this and I just can't stop. I don't know what it is about him, but I'm just incredibly smitten.

 

But like I said, I pretty much have a defeatest attitude about it. nothing is happening, nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen.

 

I've pretty much accepted a life time of singledom due to it to, because the thought of any other guy is like pure torture. Guys I like come once in a blue moon and it takes me ages to get over them and the guys I've liked in the past aren't friends and never have been, so it makes this guy that much harder to get over.

 

But like I said...I've just accepted that nothing's gonna happen. If that means I never get with anyone, so be it.

 

Right now I'm at a point where I'm not looking for anyone and if someone falls in my lap tomorrow great, if not....welp, I didn't wanna go through the pain of child birth anyway. Or having to go through that horrible, long, emotional, spectacular day called your wedding. I mean, who the eff wants to go through all that crap?? !!

 

Sincerely,

A Very Bitter Girl